Reagan of the Lost Art

The Scene is the Oval Office, President Ronald Reagan sits behind his desk, staring into a TV camera.

Audio Engineer: Can we have a level for sound, Mr. President?

Reagan: Sure. Shucks...golly...well....That enough?

Audio Engineer: Once more, please.

Reagan: Gloryosky...leapin' lizards....Is that your nose or are you eating a banana? I've seen better heads on a glass of beer. I don't know what I'd do without Haig--but I'd certainly like to try. "My kind of town, Washington is.

[Sings, Sinatra impression]

"Yes, my kind of town. Washington! Washington! Washington!" Did you get that? That was Frank. Frank's one of my best friends, but he's more than that: Frank is a model to me. And you know why? Frank did it his way. That's the ticket. Go! Go! Go, Frank! Now, when I think of all the people out there--no get up and go, no gumption. What I mean, people who don't do it their way, but the Government's way, the Government's way, the Government's way. Yich! Well, I see red. It makes me so mad I could puke. But (concluded on page 254)Reagon of the Lost Art(continued from page 143) Frank doesn't whine or cheat or expect special favors. No, siree, you betcha! Frank has true grit, as Duke Wayne used to put it, God rest his battered old soul. Duke. Duke did it his way. Drank and cussed a little too much, maybe, but he drank and cussed his way--not OSHA's way or the FTC's way. Not Duke. Not Frank. I used to be able to do a great Duke. Let me see--

[John Wayne impression]

"Pilgrim, if you don't hightail it out o'here--" No, that's not right. I can do Hank Fonda. Hank did it his way.

[Henry Fonda impression]

"Ma, wherever you see a man without a job, or a hungry child, or a cop beatin' up a striker, you'll be a-seein' me." I don't necessarily agree with Hank's sentiments, but they're his. They're not the GAO's or GETA's. His way! Go, Hank!

[Walter Brennan impression]

"Johnny, a man wants a piece o' bottom land. That's how a man knows he's a man." Walter Brennan. That says it for me. In spades. Walter--God bless his clear, departed soul--he knew. He was never a major star. Not because he wasn't a great actor--oh, yes, Walter Brennan was a great, great actor. As good as any star in Hollywood. Better! Better than me. And maybe he'd have made a better President.

[Walter Brennan again]

"My fellow Americans, a man ain't a man if he got to take Government handouts. If a man don't earn his bread by the sweat of his brow...." No, Walter did it his way. And he was Coop's best friend. In how many movies was Walter Gary Cooper's best friend? And if not Coop's, Bogey's. Bogey. His way. His way. Frank was Bogey's best friend. I wasn't that close to Bogey, but I was president of the Screen Actors Guild. Whose best friend was I? Errol Flynn's. Errol wasn't Coop, he wasn't Bogey, and I wasn't even his best best friend. Alan Hale and David Niven were his best best friends. Who cares? He was lousy to be a best friend of. You remember how Cagney always stuck up for Pat O'Brien? That's what a best friend is supposed to do. Stick up. Stick up! If you have a best friend, he helps you out when you need it. And you help him out when he needs it. And when the Government comes along and says, "Boys--no, no, you don't have to do that. I'll do that," well, then, the strength that comes to you from having a good best friend gives you the guts to say to the Government, "That's bushwa. Shove off, Government! Go peddle your papers, Government!" That's what Cagney and Pat O'Brien would say: "Go peddle your papers." That's what Coop and Walter Brennan would have said: "Go peddle your papers." But not Flynn. Flynn wouldn't say that. Because with Flynn, a best friend never knew where he stood. He was always fooling around with girls. Girls! Girls! Girls! How can you be best friends with a guy who likes girls better than he likes best friends? And I don't mean just me. He liked girls better than Alan Hale, or Bruce Cabot. Well, up yours, Flynn! Where'd it get ya? Where'd it get ya? I don't wanna speak ill of the dead, but he was a crummy best friend. And he couldn't act, either. I mean, if I wasn't any good....I think maybe Nancy dated him once. I asked her, "Nancy, you can tell me. I mean, it was before we were going steady--right?" Who cares? I wish she had gone out with him, because then I'd be better off, because make a comparison--Flynn and me. Say, if you had to vote for Flynn or me, who gets your vote? Me--steady and reliable, easygoing, good-natured, responsible, conservative. And Flynn--spendthrift. You know what Flynn would do? He'd throw dollars at problems. He didn't give a damn. If he had it, he'd give it away. Other people's money! Toss it to this agency and that bureau. Yeah! Sure, he'd beef up the military. But with Flynn, we'd have been at war by now. Twice, three times over. Because Flynn didn't negotiate. He didn't compromise. The son of a bitch always had to do it his way! His way! His way! Stubborn asshole! Well, fuck you, Flynn!

Director: We're ready to tape, Mr. President.

Reagan: I'm not up to it. I think it's the wound.

Director: Shall we cancel the taping?

Reagan: Well, let Bush do it. Bush can do it. He's a friend. Sure. Let George do it. He's my best friend. George? George? Are you there, George?

[The President reaches for his intercom and starts pushing buttons]

Fade Out.

"'Shove off, Government!' That's what Cagney and Pat O'Brien would say: 'Go peddle your papers.'"