Checking In

Robert Crane caught up with rotund writer/comedian Pat McCormick at his North Hollywood house on Klump Street (he lives there because he thinks the name of the street is funny). McCormick turned off his oversize video screen, fixed a drink and spilled over the sides of a chair not quite large enough for his bulk.

[Q] Playboy: You have a reputation as a no-holds-barred comic lunatic. What are some of your more memorable incidents?

[A] Mc Cormick: I streaked The Tonight Show. For some reason, I thought that was necessary to be pure. Why I thought that, I don't know. The only thing I had on was a Johnny Carson mask. As I ran across the stage, I came within a foot of running into the brass section of the band. Those guys were terrified when they saw me coming. Some woman screamed. I guess she recognized me despite the mask.

I've been thrown out of restaurants because people bet me that I couldn't hit the back of somebody's neck with a ball of rice. It was usually a friend I was throwing at, but some of the sushi places still won't let me back in.

I've dropped my pants from time to time. I usually pick my spots. You know, in Westminster Abbey or while going through Customs. There's a big difference between being silly and being kind of an ass. I hope that I have enough sense to know the difference.

[Q] Playboy: You've worked for The Tonight Show for many years. Which routines did you create and write?

[A] Mc Cormick: I was in on the creation of Floyd R. Turbo. I can take credit for the Edge of Wetness idea. I've embellished others and helped them grow. Carson keeps doing some of the desk spots I thought of.

[Q] Playboy: Tell us the sickest joke you've ever written.

[A] Mc Cormick: I don't know whether this is the sickest, but once, I saw a newsreel of F.D.R. in the rain and said, "Let's go watch his braces rust."

[Q] Playboy: Who have been some ungrateful victims of your comedy?

[A] Mc Cormick: There's one I'm not sure of, but I'll tell you about it, because I'd love to hear from him. One time, I did a roast for Glenn Ford and my angle was that we all know him as a leading man and a kind of hero, but actually, he's a closet weirdo. I said, "I followed him around one day and watched him steal the safety belts off Mickey Rooney's toilet seats." I was looking out of the corner of my eye, and Glenn wasn't laughing.

I'm currently doing an X-rated game show for pay television, called Everything Goes, the idea being that when you miss a question you have to take off a piece of clothing--down to practically nothing. And we have three holes in a wall and you have to try to recognize a person you've just met from his ass. I pointed to one ass and said, "That's where I park my bike." At one point, the audience booed when a guy decided to take his shoes off instead of his pants. I said, "Wait a minute. Don't get mad. That's where his pecker is." I think that's an example of being able to say certain things without people's getting offended.

[Q] Playboy: Some people find you offensive. Whom do you find offensive?

[A] Mc Cormick: I don't get offended by anything. A group of comedy writers wondered how they could blackmail me and they figured there was no way. If I walked out of a motel with a boy scout, people would say, "Oh, that's Pat for you." If I came out of a Ramada Inn with a mule, they'd say, "That's Pat. He's doing one of his things." Or, you know, if I put an air hose under a nun or something. I can't think of anything that would really offend me. I'm not touchy about anything.

[Q] Playboy: When isn't it funny anymore?

[A] Mc Cormick: When people start to lecture. Or, when people get too cornball and do things that may make their wives laugh but that don't have any punch to them. It's not funny when people don't sweat it out enough.

[Q] Playboy: Who has a more active sex life, you or Paul Williams?

[A] Mc Cormick: I'd say Paul, because he has no.... I guess if you include animals, me. Otherwise, Paul, because he had a baby lately, so we know there's been at least one time.

[Q] Playboy: What are your requirements for a fulfilling sexual experience?

[A] Mc Cormick: I think heavy foreplay. I consider rape foreplay. If you slough the foreplay, you'll never get an "Oooo" or an "Ahhhh" out of anybody and you'll be able to use the same sheets over and over again.

[Q] Playboy: What kinds of women are attracted to you?

[A] Mc Cormick: Girls who like to laugh and have fun. Maybe some of them like the fact that I have an Aztec sun god tattooed on my back.

[Q] Playboy: Are there comedy groupies out for a cheap laugh?

[A] Mc Cormick: Yeah, there are. They just love comedians of any kind. That's how Jackie Vernon makes out.

[Q] Playboy: How does one learn the manly arts?

[A] Mc Cormick: Being a Peeping Tom is a very good idea. There are people who put feeders out for Peeping Toms. They put out little water-cress sandwiches and stuff. Also, there are schools that tell you 101 ways to use butter during sex.

[Q] Playboy: What is something that, when you start eating it, you can't stop eating?

[A] Mc Cormick: Peanuts, bacon and Joan Crawford.

[Q] Playboy: When you go out with the boys, who are they and what do you do?

[A] Mc Cormick: I have friends who know how to be friends. We take our girls or our wives to dinner, take a private room and play tapes of a roast or play a guy's new album. We'll talk about what's been going on. Laughing is the first order of happiness. That's not a deep or an analytical thing. I took philosophy courses at Harvard and I know that area and I'm not avoiding it. Still, those nights you're having fun are the best payoff.

[Q] Playboy: OK, some word association: Girl scouts.

[A] Mc Cormick: Hang gliding over them.

[Q] Playboy: White-cotton briefs.

[A] Mc Cormick: Something black people would never wear.