The Beer-Hunters

Playboy: Describe that special moment--the first beer of the day.

Bob: OK, like, the first beer of the day comes at different times, eh, 'cause sometimes you sleep late 'cause you had too many beers the night before. Some of us have beer instead of orange juice. Others of us, and I won't mention any names, have beer instead of tooth paste.

Doug: I use the first beer of the day to brush my teeth, eh, which is beauty, 'cause it's a disinfectant 'cause of alcohol content. Also, the rest of it that's left over after brushing your teeth you use to get rid of a headache.

Bob: So that's our first beer of the day. Good day.

Playboy: What do you think is better, the first beer or the last beer?

Bob: Oh, jeez, good question.

Doug: Who can remember the last one, eh? Not me.

Bob: Yeah, like, the last beer is the last beer you can handle, so you usually can't remember it. But sometimes, the last beer is the last one you've got, and that's real sad, eh. But you know what the best beer is? The first one of a new case at the beginning of a day or at the end of a day if you ran out and already had your last one. Jeez, I'm real confused now. I need a beer.

Doug: What was the question?

Playboy: What is the nutritional content of beer?

Bob: What does nutritional mean?

Doug: It's something to do with food, eh. Look at it this way: If you drink nothing but beer, you'll get fat.

Bob: Look at him, eh. But, also, if you're starving and you drink beer, uh, you'll get full. So it must have good ingredients in it. Like, some beers are made with pure spring water and all beers have barley, hops, malt--important things like that. That's nutrition. The most important thing is alcohol, which is real good. Have you ever rubbed alcohol on your body? It feels great. Same with the insides.

Playboy: What has been the ecological impact of beer bottles and cans?

Bob: Jeez, well, bottles; empties have made us rich, 'cause after car races and rock concets, we go to parks and pick up empties and take 'em back. We get ten cents each. But cans--if my brother was a goat, he'd eat 'em.

Doug: If you take hundreds of cans back, don't they crush 'em down and make cars out of them? Bottles are beauty, but cans are the way of the future.

Playboy: Which summer sports are you into?

Doug: Bob likes sittin' around on his backside. That's his great sport. As you can see from the most developed muscle on his body, he exercises it well.

Bob: Take off. I'm gonna tell everyone what my brother's favorite sport is. Have you heard of Olympic beer? That's the closest he comes to sports.

Doug: Take off. Car racing is my sport. Formula Fords, eh. You'll find me in the pits.

Bob: Yeah, more like the pits of depression after too much beer, 'cause you got a speeding ticket. That's the closest to car racing you got--getting a speeding ticket on our van. Stop lyin'.

Playboy: When you're at a lake or a beach and you have to go, what do you do?

Bob: You can go swimming.

Doug: Yeah, and sometimes that'll make you stop, eh. If the water's real cold, you won't want to go. If it's real warm, you'll do what my brother does, and that is, just go right in the water.

Bob: Yeah, that's what I was thinkin'.

Doug: But you know what he does? He doesn't wait till he gets in up to his neck. He goes when he's, like, up to his knees, eh. So it looks real dumb.

Bob: What's real funny is sometimes, right after I go and he doesn't know, he's down there fillin' up a pot with water to make some hot chocolate late at night, campin', and I won't have any.

Playboy: In summer, does the body's need for beer increase?

Bob: Yeah, 'cause you sweat and you lose rich bodily fluids.

Doug: Picture a beautiful summer day and you hear a fly maybe buzzin' and you hear the wind sort of blowin' some leaves, eh, and then, what is the next best sound to that but a beer being popped open and the creak of your chair as you lean back to slug it into your throat, eh?

Bob: Jeez, you're like a poet. You actually made me thirsty by that.

Doug: Really?

Bob: Yeah.

Doug: Oh, then you're buyin'.

Playboy: Explain the correct beer-cooler procedure. How do you keep a case of beer cold?

Bob: OK, what you do is you take it out of the case--each beer, eh--and then you take your cooler and put ice in the cooler, then you lay your beers down in the cooler and put more ice on top.

Doug: That's the old-fashioned way. The new way is they now have battery-powered fridge coolers.

Bob: Take off.

Doug: Yeah. I swear. Honestly, I've seen 'em. You can take 'em with you. You put batteries in and they have a little motor circulating cold through little pipes.

Bob: I think he's lyin'.

Doug: I am not. It's true. Really. Trust me.

Playboy: Why don't you have one of those?

Bob and Doug: They're too expensive.

Playboy: Which is better, beer in cans or in bottles?

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Bob: I personally prefer it in bottles--dark little Canadian bottles. With no offense to our good American friends, I don't like the American green see-through taller bottles. I like the Canadian short brown bottles better than anything.

Doug: I don't like cans, 'cause the beer tastes sort of weird. Tastes metallic.

Bob: Cans are only good for beerhunter.

Playboy: How many layers do you take off for summer?

Doug: Uh, one, two, three. Three layers. T-shirt, shirt and coat is next; and toque and ear muffs would make five if you wanted to count them as different layers--and socks and boots is seven. Yeah, seven layers.

Bob: I only take my toque off to go swimmin', and then I put on my plastic toque. I never take my boots off.

Playboy: How do you protect yourselves from getting burned?

Doug: Well, for one thing, we don't usually get up till around four. So that means we miss the bad sun in the early morning--like around ten till two. We skip breakfast and lunch and wake up in time for beers and dinner. So we never really get a burn. Once. Bob got his forehead burned when we were sleepin' out at a car race and he had the blanket up to his eyes but not over his forehead, and he looked stupid for about a week.

Bob: Yeah, it hurt a lot, but we just put beer on it and it healed up real quick.

Playboy: Tell us some fun beer party games.

Bob: Jeez, we were gonna ask you if you knew any others. We were getting a little bored with beerhunter. Spin the beer bottle.

Doug: Pin the beer on the donkey. Rivet it with a bolt.

Bob: There's bottle top, which you just call heads or tails. It's like coins but with tops. There's count your empties, which you do loaded and try to get the right number.

Doug: Name that beer. You know: "I can name that beer in one sip; I can name that beer in five sips." Most people can do it in five. A person who can name that beer without sipping, just by whiff, is an expert. That's what I can do.

Playboy: Do you think nicknames for beer are cute?

Doug: No, beer is beer. Nicknames for girls are cute but not for beer.

Bob: Yeah, we had a friend who used to come up with nicknames for beer. He used to call it brew or he used to say, "Do you want a short brown one?," and we never knew what he was talkin' about. So now we don't talk to him anymore. We just call it beer.

Playboy: How do you ask for beer in a restaurant?

Bob: "Give me a beer."

Doug: Yeah.

Bob: "Can I have a beer? Hey, can I have a beer now? Where's my beer? How come my beer's takin' so long? Hurry up with my beer. Oh, jeez, now I need another one."

Doug: If you're real smart, you'll say, "Yeah, could I have three beers, please?" They'll say, "Are you expecting friends to join you?," and you'll go. "Yeah, they're on their way, eh. I swear it."

Playboy: What are some signs of beer abuse?

Bob: Well, if you see someone with a deep cut in his head, he may have taken a snap tab right in the head playing beerhunter. Also, discoloration of van carpeting from beerhunter spray.

Playboy: When do you know you've had too many beers?

Doug: When you can't talk. When people ask you questions and you don't hear them.

Bob: Or when you can't find the opener 'cause you're too loaded. That's when you've had too many. Or when you can't find the beer store.

Doug: Openers disappear, anyway. You can buy a new one and it'll be gone in an hour.

Bob: Yeah, but, like, if you've got one of those belt buckles with a built-in opener and you still can't find it, then you've had too many beers, eh.

Doug: Plus, you should check to see if you still have your pants. If you lose that belt buckle, there's a good chance you'll be draggin' your drawers.

Playboy: What is the longest you've gone cold turkey from beer?

Doug: From when we were born until about 12. Twelve years without a beer is a long time. We've made up for it, though.

Bob: Since then, three New Years ago, just 'cause we slept for three days; that was the longest we went.

Playboy: Which of you can hold more beer?

Doug: In his hands?

Bob: If you're askin' me, I'll say Doug. If you're askin' him, he'll say Doug. So it depends on who you're askin'.

Playboy: Name some Canadian summer hot spots.

Bob: The Riviera, which is our uncle's car, which is great to sit on in hot weather, 'cause, like, it reflects. Beauty, eh? Also, it doesn't run, so the tires are off. It's on blocks in his back yard. He's a great guy. He brings out beers all day long.

Doug: London is beautiful at that time of year.

Bob: London, Ontario.

Doug: Yeah. Stratford. You can go to see plays and swans.

Bob: He's never seen one Shakespeare play, ever.

Doug: Yeah, I have.

Bob: What? Hamburger Hamlet? Is that what you saw? I bet you got thirsty there, eh?

Doug: It was beauty. Yeah, Hamburger Hamlet is the one I saw.

Playboy: What is better than beer?

Doug: After long soul searching, nothing.

Bob: Jeez, I don't know, like, maybe $1,000,000. But we'd just buy beer. Maybe a perfect bowling score. But then, your friends will just buy you beer.

Doug: Yeah, all roads lead to beer in our book.

Playboy: Why did God invent beer?

Bob: He was thirsty and he was bowling.

Playboy: How does your body tell you it needs more beer?

Bob: First thing is your mouth is dry. Second thing is your tummy is screaming out from inside.

Doug: Third thing is you wake up and go lookin' for it, eh.

"have you ever rubbed alcohol on your body? it feels great. same with the insides"

"A person who can name that beer without sipping, just by whiff, is an expert. That's what I can do."