Why Sex is Still Worth It

Aaaarrgghhhh!

as the poet said, let us count the ways

We recently overheard a man ask his dinner date, ''Give me one good reason to have sex.''

''Well,'' she said, ''it's one of the few times you can get your toes cleaned.''

Maybe that guy belongs to the Moral Majority. Maybe he has read one too many articles about herpes. Quite frankly, we've never been at a loss for reasons to have sex. Just consider the following:

There's the basic question of language. Tennis is like sex. Skiing is like sex. Sailing is like sex (''Prepare to come about''). If you don't have sex, you won't know what people are talking about. Sinking a putt will become just that--sinking a putt. A ridiculous form of behavior for an adult.

Sex is one game no one can cheat on. Unlike masturbation, which you can do with (continued on page 232)Sex is Worth It(continued from page 145) one hand tied behind your back, sex requires all of you. In fact, sex is the only way you can exercise certain muscle groups that would otherwise be neglected. It's not jogging (thank God; what is?), but it does give your heart a workout--in one way or another. Sex is the equivalent of climbing several flights of steps; it burns 125 calories.

Sex is one of the few forms of entertainment for which you don't have to stand in line, deal with rude waiters or try to figure out the amount of a tip. A non-English-speaking person will not appear at your elbow to ask. ''Feenished?''

Sex doesn't show up on your incometax form. In most cases, you don't have to keep a receipt. You don't have to make change or carry around a pocketful of quarters. If you give up sex, you'll have to find a replacement. In all likelihood, you will have to pay to join a club, where you will pay more to take lessons. Sex is one of the few physical activities in which (at least since the Sixties) you don't deal with a pro--someone who is better than you and always will be.

Sex lets you laugh at yourself; it lets you laugh at someone else and get away with it.

Sex requires no expensive equipment yet provides vast information suggesting birthday and Christmas presents.

In most cases, you won't fall down and get hurt while having sex.

Sex helps rub off loose body hairs and flaky skin. It generates body heat, thus lowering heating bills in winter.

If you don't have sex, how can you ever hope to comprehend such country-song lyrics as ''I've got the horse and you've got the saddle,'' by Mel Tillis, or ''I'm having daydreams about night things in the middle of the afternoon,'' by Ronnie Milsap? By the way, The Bellamy Brothers may be on to something with Lovers Live Longer.

Sex is the one thing you can still tell your parents they are wrong about.

As for the national economy (a little Battle Hymn of the Republic, please), sex justifies billions of dollars' being spent on hot advertising every year, which, in turn, stimulates sales, expands the market place and preserves the American Way. Now, if we all lose interest in sex, how are they gonna get our attention?

Sex extends the life of your vibrator's batteries.

Sex lets you repay your dog for those five-A.M. emergency romps in the rain. Hey, just park Spike outside your locked bedroom door and listen to him whine while you're occupied inside.

When you're on a diet, sex gives you something to think about besides food.

Reserve plenty of time for sex and you probably won't have to learn how to dance.

During sex, you can freely say things that would be prohibited in almost any other venue--except, perhaps, a slamdancing bar. Examples: ''Beat me, baby, with your rhythm stick.'' ''Tongue me, tongue me with your leather lapper.'' You get to say things like, ''Baby, you're sooooooo beautiful,'' ''Far fucking out!'' and ''Aaaarrgghhhh!'' without feeling stupid. And during sex, you can say, ''Please put your titties in my mouth'' and quite reasonably expect that your wish will be granted.

Sex is the only reason young people have to leave home and get a place of their own.

Without sex, the term drugs and sex and rock 'n' roll would be rendered meaningless. Drugs, backgammon and rock 'n' roll just doesn't make it.

Sex is the only sure way to miss Charlie Callas on The Tonight Show.

Sex keeps you off the streets (at least theoretically), thereby decreasing the odds that you will be the victim of a mugging or be injured in an auto accident. Since you don't use your car, you save gas and, thus, take a firm stand against Arab oil cartels. It is also unlikely that you are wasting other precious natural resources, killing whales or butchering baby seals.

We understand if you think we're biased, but listen to the impartial opinions of the scientific community. Researchers claim that sperm prevents certain types of infections in women. Regular sex reduces the chance of prostate enlargement and, apparently, of certain types of cancer in males.

According to sex researcher Helen Singer Kaplan, ''Sexually attractive opportunities, stimulation and activity tend to be associated with an increase of the blood testosterone level,'' which causes people to ''eat more, become stronger and more muscular and act more energetically. The individual is less likely to be intimidated, more likely to enter into competitions and, most interestingly, more likely to win. . . . A low androgen level is likely to reduce the person's anger, aggression and energy . . . and make him more sensitive to odors, pain and touch.'' In other words, sex keeps you from being a wimp.

Sex will relieve testicular congestion, or blue balls. It will get your heart started in the morning, and at night, it will relieve tension and act as a mild sedative, contributing to a deeper, more restful sleep (the equivalent of one Valium?).

Sex is the only way to prevent Koros syndrome, an ailment described by Richard Milsten in Male Sexual Function. It seems that a shy male who suffers from sexual deprivation may experience acute anxiety attacks that last for hours. He becomes firmly convinced that his penis is shrinking. He holds it to keep it from disappearing and, indeed, is afraid to let go. That confirms something we've always suspected: If you don't use it, it will fall off.

While we think one of the most useful aspects of sex is that it inspires us to change our sheets and buy sexy underwear, there are others who can't resist the excuse to do shtick at the drugstore counter when they're selecting condoms: ''But, honey, this one's got Magic Stimu-Fingers!''

Best of all, maybe, sex gives you something to talk about. How else are you going to get through lunch?

''Sex helps rub off loose body hairs and flaky skin. It generates body heat, thus lowering heating bill.''s