The First Playmate Play-Offs

Jim Mckay wasn't there. It's his loss, because the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat never were more memorable than on that mid-October day when Playmates gathered at Playboy Mansion West, as Howard might say, "to bring the competitive fervor into the idyllic groves amid the cogent contours of that unique landscape." But Howard wasn't there, either. What he missed was the sight of 20 unquestionably physically fit girls from around the country gathered for the first, and probably annual, Playmate Play-offs--to pit muscle against muscle, sinew against sinew, thigh against thigh in a series of the most diabolical athletic events ever devised. The three-day extravaganza was video-taped for broadcast on The Playboy Channel, so, naturally, everything had to move in clockwork fashion. Sure. What was immediately apparent was that there were two different athletic philosophies at work, one group following the Simmons-Fonda ethic of bean sprouts and stretching, the other adhering to the tenets of modern Marxism. Groucho, not Karl. What was also clear was that, in the words of any football announcer, these girls came to play. When it was over, our gorgeous Playmates sported bruises, numerous bumps and scrapes; four had made visits to UCLA Medical Center's emergency room.

The participants had been divided into four teams. The Lavender team, captained by 1979 Playmate of the Year Monique St. Pierre, consisted of Miss January 1980, Gig Gangel; Miss August 1967, Dede Lind; Miss October 1981, Kelly Tough; and Miss December 1982, Charlotte Kemp. The character of the Lavender team can best (Continued on page 189) Playmate Play-Offs (Continued from page 130) be summed up in the oft-shouted battle cry of Captain Monique: "Where's my team? Has anybody seen my team?"

The Pink team lucked out by having Miss March 1981, Kymberly Herrin, as captain. Kym is a writer, a fitness instructor and a health-magazine cover girl. Her team included Miss August 1981, Debbie Boostrom; Miss April 1979, Missy Cleveland; Miss January 1982, Kimberly McArthur; and Miss March 1974, Pam Zinszer. Despite valiant efforts, injuries forced this team into the division cellar.

The Jade team, headed by professional cheerleader and human grenade Lorraine Michaels, Miss April 1981, fought its way to the finals in spite of team members Linda Rhys Vaughn, Miss April 1982; Marcy Hanson, Miss October 1978; Lisa Sohm, Miss April 1977; and Crystal Smith, Miss September 1971. Their success was largely due to innovative training methods that we'll tell you about shortly.

The winning team, which surprised no one, was the Turquoise team, captained by Miss August 1980, Victoria Cooke. Cooke holds a black belt in fitness from the School of the Amazons. She led her team with the skill of Tom Landry and the firmness of Mr. T. Under her whip--er, guidance--were Miss November 1980, Jeana Tomasino; Miss May 1982, Kym Malin; Miss March 1982, Karen Witter; and Miss March 1979, Denise McConnell.

The events were designed by Rube Goldberg, with an assist from the Marquis de Sade. For instance, the Greased Pigskin was a slalom race with a very slippery football, Pie in the Sky was a relay race with cream-filled pie tins and Shark Bait asked the girls to cross a greased log placed over the swimming pool while the other team tried to knock them off with a punching bag.

The Hump Relay, also known as the Dreaded Humps, required the ladies to run at full speed over several widely spaced, waist-high, padded and very slippery humps in a course on the Mansion lawn.

The Staple Chase was an obstacle course the main feature of which was a large and, ultimately, inviting mud pit. The finale was a Tug of War, straightforward and grueling.

Sharing the hosting chores for the television audience was a trio of cutups: Chuck McCann, actor, comic and full-grown Teddy bear; Chuck Woolery, he of the game shows, a man used to maintaining his composure in the midst of chaos and a man who failed miserably in this case; and Vicki McCarty, lawyer, television personality and Miss September 1979. Vicki provided insight into the competitive psyche of the modern Playmate, analyzed strategy and stayed as far away from the actual events as she could. Vicki's mother didn't raise a foolhardy daughter. Her prudence was justified: The competition was no holds barred.

Victoria Cooke explained it this way:

"A lot of people had the feeling that we were just going to be out there having a good time. I don't think they suspected how competitive these girls would get!"

Granted, there were incentives--cash, prizes and trophies to the winners--but the real push came from the team spirit. Once the teams were organized, friendships were put on the back burner.

Said Victoria, "Our first opponents were the team captained by Kym Herrin, who is a close friend of mine, and we all were wondering if our friendships were going to get in the way. But when the stakes are high, you're talking about women who come on like lionesses. We get out there and defend what's ours, and we put everything we've got into it. As it turned out, we actually found out more about one another through the competition than we ever thought we could know.

"I, and most of these girls, have been into modeling and commercials and being a Playmate for a couple of years now. And when you're doing those things, you're always looking at yourself, making sure your make-up is perfect, that your hair is in place, checking your body language and the way you carry yourself. Well, one of the things I like about sports is you can be yourself. I don't care if my hair is stringy or if my mascara is smudged. That's the fun of it. It really took a few days, I suppose, for the girls to get used to not going back and forth to the mirror!"

Truth was, there wasn't much time for mirror gazing, because the action was so heavy. The girls were really pumped up, and it was no surprise when Jeana Tomasino collided head on with Missy Cleveland during the Hump Relay. "I don't know what happened," said a witness. "I saw Missy on the ground, and Jeana was over her, saying, 'I hit her. She's knocked out. I knocked her cold!"'

Jeana had little more of an explanation: "Victoria was screaming that we absolutely had to win this race. I figured facing the Humps was better than having to face Victoria, so I took off at top speed and ran headlong into Missy Cleveland coming the other way. I thought I'd killed her!"

Missy, as they say, had her bell rung but survived to compete again. Jeana received her comeuppance a little later, when, during the Staple Chase, an impromptu mudwrestling match broke out. It was hard to tell just which culprits had started it, since they were soon covered head to toe in the slimy goo. Onlookers were shocked when the first bikini top flew out of the mud pit, but when other clothing followed, the scene held their rapt attention. Chuck Woolery was at pitside with his microphone, doing the play-by-play, when a muddy hand reached up and pulled him into the melee. Quick-thinking Jeana, seeing a chance to break into sportscasting, grabbed the mike from Woolery and began to do color commentary.

"Then," she recalled, "I made the mistake of saying, 'How's the mud feel, Chuck?"' The next thing she knew, she was flying head over heels, still holding the mike, right into the center of the fray. In retrospect, Jeana found the experience fun but costly. "It cost me my fingernails. I broke every one of them."

Of course, you have to expect that kind of thing when you're on Victoria Cooke's team: She plays to win. Lorraine Michaels' team wins to play.

Team member Marcy Hanson did her best to explain the unique training philosophy of the Jade team: "All the other teams took it very seriously. They did their stretching exercises and took their vitamins and special diets and were in bed by ten o'clock. We did things a little differently. We did so well the first day that we treated ourselves to a party. All the girls piled into my 'Vette and we went out on the town. Luckily, one of the girls was small enough to sit in the boot if she let her Nikes hang out the window. Well, we partied all night. The problem was, we had a nine-o'clock call and we really didn't get to bed until eight. But we won that day. I don't know how.

"You have to understand that, first off, I don't believe in physical exercise. I don't think you're supposed to do those things with your body. It's not natural to sweat like that. If God had wanted us to sweat, we'd all have been born in Arizona. So, naturally, when the whipped-cream fight started, I ran; when the mud was thrown around, I wasn't there. I'm glad that there are some girls who like to play in the mud, but I'm not one of them."

As it turned out, the advocates of hard work met the advocates of good times in the concluding event, the Tug of War, for the championship. Casualties now numbered three. Besides Missy's collision, Debbie Boostrom had pulled a quadriceps traversing the Humps and Lisa Sohm had dislocated her knee going through the pillow cage in the Staple Chase. The loss of Lisa put the Jade team at a disadvantage in the Tug of War, so one of the Turquoise-team members had to be dropped. Although there were complaints that the member dropped was some 30 pounds lighter than Lisa, the event proceeded. Both sides gave it all they had left. Lorraine even injured her arm, becoming the fourth casualty. They were so evenly matched that it seemed a winner would never emerge.

"It was terrible," Victoria recalled, "going against a team as strong and competitive as they were. They wanted to win. You could see it in their eyes. I never want to go through something like that again. I mean, you really have to like pain. That rope just wasn't moving at all."

The Jade team was motivated by its depleted party coffers. "By then," Marcy said, "we were in it for the money. We wanted the winners' share. The others wanted the fun and the competition, but our attitude was: If you can't bank it, we don't want to deal with it."

Alas, in the end, Victoria and her cleanlivers pulled it off. They walked away with the big trophy. But, since the competition really did go down to the wire, the Jadeteam members were not swayed in their belief that a little tomfoolery is useful in dispelling the tension of heavy competition. "So our trophies are just a little bit smaller," Marcy said. "It was worth it. We had a great time."

Would she consider changing her training methods?

"I think the next time, we may exercise a bit more," Marcy concedes. "We'll ease up on the champagne and try to get in by at least two or three. It's the L.A. air; what can I say?"