Checking In

Many people have met John Candy, the rotund star of the late-night "SCTV." But few have had the convulsive experience of meeting his alter ego Johnny La Rue--entertainment mogul, taxi dancer and close personal friend of tens of women. Robert Crane caught up with the always-looking-over-his-shoulder La Rue in Toronto. He reports, "La Rue was relaxed and outgoing. And wouldn't say one word without his attorney present."

[Q] Playboy: Despite your reputation as a sleazemeister, there are always at least four women around you. You even have a special name for them: Gerbils. What is their attraction to you?

[A] La Rue: Women like being with me because they see me as their knight in shining armor who will lead them out of the poverty. When they're with me, they know they're safe. They trust me. It's my money.

[Q] Playboy: You have a reputation for borrowing a lot of money and not paying it back.

[A] La Rue: That's not true. I've borrowed money, yes, but everyone has been paid back. Well, maybe I haven't paid everyone back. Pretty damn close. Sure, there are a few outstanding debts. Everyone's got them, but I'm a man of my word.

[Q] Playboy: Who are your idols?

[A] La Rue: Spiro Agnew was a big influence on me. The man was way ahead of his time. He would have made a fine President.

[Q] Playboy: What's more important than girls?

[A] La Rue: Money, and I mean that sincerely.

[Q] Playboy: The other famous womanizers in show business--Dean Martin, Aldo Cella--have their techniques. Describe yours.

[A] La Rue: Be available. Always. If a girl wants to go out with you, be available. Don't get picky. Good hygiene is very important. Personality, charm. It all goes back to money. If women see that you have money and you flaunt it properly--and there's a way of flaunting, carrying the right wad of money, not enough to choke a horse but you know it could--let them see you for what you are. Show your jewelry. Wear the perfumes. Wear the proper clothing. All the best.

[Q] Playboy: What do you look for in a Gerbil?

[A] La Rue: I look for a woman with brains and a body that goes with them. If she's smart, she'll show it. She has to be tall or short; it doesn't matter. As long as she's got a good body. What I'm offering the Gerbils is a chance to learn about life. I teach them the good things--that you don't have to be poor, you don't have to suffer, life can be a big party. This is a big strain on me. I'm looking after more than 40 girls at present.

[Q] Playboy: Do you know where a Gerbil's G spot is?

[A] La Rue: I've known about it for years. Why do you think I have 40 women right now? It's there. Men don't take the time. That's the important thing. When you've got 40, 50 women, you've got to take time.

[Q] Playboy: How do you tell a girl she's not a Gerbil anymore?

[A] La Rue: You take her out and leave her. Four of us will go out for dinner, and then three of us will split and leave her sitting there. It's cruel, but it's the only way you can handle it. In the beginning, I had more of a heart. I would talk to them a little bit. It's a very hard thing for them. So I find it's easier just to leave them in the restaurant. I pay the bill. I don't stick them with the bill. I'm not that much of a cad.

[Q] Playboy: What kind of ceremony occurs when a girl becomes a Gerbil?

[A] La Rue: It's a big party. The Gerbils and the pledge Gerbils come in. We have fun with them all week--spankings, dressing up, mud wrestling. It's like a little Olympics. They have to go through the different events, feats that they must accomplish. I leave that to your imagination. We have a secret ceremony where the girls are brought into a room--a very dimly lit room--and the Gerbils are all chirping. We're thinking of putting out an album of their songs.

[Q] Playboy: How do you respond to people who call you fat?

[A] La Rue: This weight is for a reason: I intimidate. I could lose this weight tomorrow. Then I'd be nothing. You need size, you need presence. Women want to see that. They want to see you coming. They don't want some skinny little wimp. They want a man.

[Q] Playboy: Do fat guys feel comfortable in bathing suits?

[A] La Rue: I have a summer outfit that's very similar to the winter outfit--a silk-pajama thing. I could go swimming in it. I don't, but I could. I usually hire people to do that for me. I'm very busy. I have someone who exercises for me. I have a swimmer. I have someone to get my tan. I have someone to break in my shoes. It comes with money.

[Q] Playboy: We picture you as one of those guys who wear black socks and sandals on the beach.

[A] La Rue: What's wrong with that? They're very comfortable, and the black really doesn't pick up the heat. I don't know about yours, but my ankles are sensitive.

[Q] Playboy: Have muscle men ever kicked sand in your face?

[A] La Rue: No. Someone once threw a harpoon at me, which really pissed me off. I couldn't find him, either. I believe it was some Korean terrorist. The last thing I remember was, "Thar she blows!"

[Q] Playboy: Do you have a summertime seduction technique?

[A] La Rue: Again, it's the money. If you get the number-one deck chair around the pool, women are going to walk past you. You're going to have the money around. They're going to see it. They're going to want to be there. Just radiate. That's the key. Exude. Show them wealth.

[Q] Playboy: Do you have an exercise regimen?

[A] La Rue: Just my daily chores are exercise enough for me. The rituals of waking up, getting dressed, taking my clothes off and showering. I do those little extra things, those little extra moves. My TV exercise show will be back again, by popular demand. We've been getting a lot of mail on that. Simple things around the house: opening the refrigerator door, reaching way in. If you're an executive, you don't have time for exercising. I'm in the kitchen a lot. A lot of my business is done there. I'll reach way into the back and grab something. That's stretching. That's using the muscles in your arms, your back. Bending down--that's good for you. I like to drink out of a heavier glass than normal. I've worked my way up to a five-pound glass. You lift that a number of times in the course of an evening and you've worked out your arm. You feel good. I don't sweat, so I'm looking good.

[Q] Playboy: What is the La Rue philosophy?

[A] La Rue: Stay happy, stay young, stay rich. If you can master all three of those, you're on top of the world. It's a simple philosophy, but I think I've set the way.