morganna, the kissing bandit, gets our vote for m.v.p.
In response to the pressing question (the one asked by every doubting Thomas, Richard and Harold who literally presses her for an answer): Yes, they're real. No silicone sawbones has ever laid a hand on Morganna's 60-24-39 frame. And, yes, hers is the biggest bust ever featured in an exclusive Playboy pictorial. It should retain that title as long as gravity holds sway over human hydraulics.
Morganna (like Cher, she works sans surname) got her first inkling of greater things to come at the age of nine, when it became apparent she was filling out more than tests in school. "The other girls hadn't started developing yet," recalls baseball's near-legendary Kissing Bandit. "The boys were definitely starting to wonder. They'd run up and grab me by the chest."
It hasn't all been painful mammaries. Once her C cups had run over and she'd lost sight of the floor, Morganna's fortunes rose as quickly as that developing bust. First, she got work as a demure teen go-go dancer. Then, she parlayed her visible assets, along with less palpable ones--a fast smile and a down-home wit--into a life at the rail of celebrity. Today, you can catch her musical-comedy act in many cities. But her lifework consists of sprinting onto baseball fields to smooch the superstars.
"Pete Rose was my first," she remembers with a smile that only the non-breast-fixated ever see. "It was in Cincinnati in 1970. Pete was the only player who hadn't noticed me in my box seat. Everybody else had at least spit tobacco in my direction. It's a ballplayer's way of flirting." A few friends dared her to scamper out and plant a kiss on Rose's Aqua-Velva'd cheek. Little did they know they were about to become footnotes to baseball history. "He was playing center field that day. I had to run all the way out there, so lots of people noticed. Still, they didn't throw me out of the park. That's how boring the game was."
No one remembers who won the game, but Morganna's career was off and running. Among her other victims have been Steve Garvey, Mark Fidrych, Mike Schmidt, George Brett (twice), John Candelaria and Len Barker. Garvey and Brett are her favorites. Reggie Jackson's a little miffed at being 37 and never kissed by the Bandit. She plans to get him this year.
The various teams are never in on Morganna's appearances, so ushers and security guards are her occupational nemeses. She buys a ticket like everybody else, then waits for her moment.
"A lot of times, it's hard to get a box right down by the field," she laments. "For one game, my seat was on the second level and I got to the box seats by carrying a hot dog and some popcorn. I told the usherette, 'I have to take these to my crippled father down there in the front row.' I went down and handed the hot dog to an elderly gentleman and said, 'Would you hold this, please?' Then I jumped the fence. He must have wondered if he was supposed to hold on to it the whole game."
A player with Morganna's flair for the sublimely ridiculous would be a hot dog himself, but she's just a fan with a plan:
"This is going to be my biggest year in baseball. I'm going to get all the teams I've missed so far, so watch for me. I think my disguise is pretty good. I'll disguise myself as Ronald Reagan."
That one may not fool anybody. It's obvious that Morganna's younger than the President.
