The Personal Touch

Seed Catalog--toss; Acme flier--keep for Mary; Sports Illustrated--keep; phone bill, electric bill, gas bill--keep, keep, keep. Damn it. Subscription-renewal notice to Snoop--toss. ...

Joe Priddy tossed, but the envelope landed face up, balanced on the edge of the wastebasket. He was about to tip it in when he noticed the words Personal Message Inside on the lower-left front.

Personal, my ass, he thought, but he picked it up and read it.

Dear Mr. Pridy,

We have not yet received your subscription renewal to Snoop, the Magazine of Electronic and Personal Surveillance. We trust that, after having been a loyal subscriber for 9 months, you will renew your subscription so that we may continue to send SNOOP to you at 19 Merrydale Drive.

We do not have to remind you, Mr. Pridy, of the constant changes in surveillance technology and techniques. We are sure that in your own town of Sidewheel, NY, you have seen the consequences for yourself. So keep up to date on the latest in surveillance, Mr. Pridy, by sending $11.95 in the enclosed postpaid envelope today. As one involved and/or interested in the field of law enforcement, you cannot afford to be without Snoop, Mr. Pridy.

Best regards, David Michaelson, Subscription Director

P.S.: If you choose not to resubscribe, Mr. Pridy, would you please take a moment and tell us why, using the enclosed postpaid envelope? Thank you, Mr. Pridy.

Joe shook his head. Who did they think they were fooling? "Pridy," said Joe to himself. "Jesus."

Mary's brother Hank had given Joe the subscription to Snoop for his birthday. "As a joke," he'd said, winking at Joe lasciviously, a reference to the evening he and Hank had watched the Quincy girl undress in the apartment across the courtyard with the aid of Joe's binoculars. It had taken some imagination to satisfy Mary's curiosity about Hank's joke, and Joe still felt uncomfortable each time Snoop hit his mailbox. And now they wanted him to resubscribe?

He was about to toss the letter again when he thought about the P.S. "Tell us why." Maybe he'd do just that. It would get all his feelings about Snoop out of his system to let them know just how he felt about their "personal message."

Dear Mr. Michelson,

I have chosen not to resubscribe to Snoop after having received it for 9 Months because I am sick and tired of computer-typed messages that try to appear personal. I would much rather receive an honest request to "Dear Subscriber" than the phony garbage that keeps turning up in my mailbox. So do us both a favor and don't send any more subscription-renewal notices to me at 19 Merry-Dale Drive in my lovely town of Sidewheel, NY. OK?

Worst regards, Joseph H. Priddy

P.S.: And it's Priddy, not Pridy. Teach your word processor to spell.

Joe pulled the page out of the typewriter and stuffed it into the postpaid envelope.

Two weeks later, he received another subscription-renewal notice. As before, Personal Message Inside was printed on the envelope. He was about to throw it away without opening it when he noticed that his name was spelled correctly. "Small favors," he muttered, sitting on the couch with Mary and tearing the envelope open. Could they, he wondered, be responding to his letter?

Dear Mr. Priddy,

Christ, another word-processor job. ... At least they got the name right ...

We received your recent letter and are sorry that you have chosen not to resubscribe to Snoop, the Magazine of Electronic and Personal Surveillance. We hope, however, that you will reconsider, for if you resubscribe now at the low price of $427.85 for the next nine issues

$427.85? What the hell? What happened to $11.95?

we will be able to continue your subscription uninterrupted, bringing you all the latest news and updates on surveillance technology and techniques. And in today's world, Mr. Priddy, such knowledge should not be taken lightly. You'll learn techniques similar to those that led New York City law-enforcement officials to the biggest heroin bust in history, that told members of the FBI of a plan to overthrow the state government of Montana by force, that alerted us to your own four-month affair with Rayette Squires.

Wha----Joe could feel the blood leave his face.

You'll get tips on photographic surveillance, as well, and learn techniques that will let your own efforts equal that of the enclosed 2 by 2 showing you and Miss Squires at The Sidewheel Motel in the lovely town of Sidewheel, NY.

Joe dove for the envelope, which was lying dangerously close to Mary's McCall's. He peeked as surreptitiously as possible into the envelope and found, between the slick paper flier and the return envelope, a well-lit color photo of him and Rayette in a compromising and fatiguing position. His wife looked up in response to his high-pitched whine, and he smacked the envelope shut, giggled weakly and finished the letter.

We sincerely hope, Mr. Priddy, that you'll rejoin our family of informed subscribers by mailing your check for $427.85 very soon. Shall we say within 10 days?

Regards, David Michaelson, Subscription Director

Joe got up, envelope and letter in hand, and went to the bedroom to get out the shoe box he'd hidden--the one with the money he'd been squirreling away for an outboard motor, the money even Mary didn't know about.

When he counted it, it totaled $428.05. Which made sense. This time, the return envelope wasn't postpaid.