A Guide for Prospective Husbands

Since the subject of this article deals with a secret intended for men only and requires a mental effort that is utterly beyond many ladies, I request fathers, husbands, officers of the law, et al., to ensure that it is never read by ladies and young maidens. The principles of this guide are not the product of a single mind but constitute the quintessence of all existing oracles, physiognomical studies, cabalistic tracts and perennial discussions with experienced husbands and with the most competent proprietresses of fashion houses.

Introduction

The married state has many good sides. Without it, daughters would spend their whole lives hanging around their fathers' necks, and many musicians would have nothing to eat, as there would be no weddings. Medicine teaches us that bachelors generally die insane, whereas married men die without having had time to go out of their minds. A bachelor's tie is tied by a maid, whereas a husband's is tied by his wife. Marriage is also good because it is available to all. Rich, poor, blind, young, old, healthy, sick, Russian, Chinese--they can all marry. Only imbeciles and madmen are exceptions. Fools, blockheads and brutes can marry to their hearts' content.

Principle Number One

When courting a girl, first of all pay attention to her appearance, since appearance is a clue to a person's character. Observe the following: color of hair and eyes, height, walk and distinctive marks.

Women are classified by hair color as blonde, black-haired, brown-haired, etc. Blondes are usually well behaved, modest and sentimental; they love their mommas and poppas, weep over novels and are kind to animals. They are upright in character, strictly conservative and not terribly bright. To the loves of others, they are sensitive; yet in their own love lives, they are as cold as fish. In the most romantic moment, a blonde may yawn and say, "Don't forget to send for calico tomorrow!" They turn sour, put on weight and go downhill soon after marriage. They are fertile, love children and cry at the drop of a hat. They never forgive their husbands' love affairs but readily become involved in their own. Blonde wives are generally mystical, suspicious and prone to seeing themselves as martyrs.

Black-haired women are less rational than blondes. They are lively, fickle, capricious, hot-tempered; they often quarrel with their mommas and slap their maids. By the age of 12, they have learned to "pay no heed to wicked men." They study poorly, hate their teachers, love novels--but skip descriptions of nature and reread declarations of love five times. They are ardent and passionate and love recklessly, madly, breathlessly. A black-haired wife is like a full-scale inquisition. On the one hand, there is passion that would sicken the Devil himself; on the other, caprice, love of finery, daredevil logic, screaming and whining. They are quickly reconciled to their husband's adulteries and pay them back in kind.

Brown-haired women are like neither their fair-haired nor their black-haired sisters. They constitute a middle plane between the former and the latter but think of themselves as dark brunettes.

Redheads are cunning, false, evil, deceitful--they do not understand love without deceit. They are usually very well built and have a splendid rosy skin all over their bodies. It is said that demons and fiends are sure to marry redheads. Where there is deceit, there is also pettiness and cowardice. You need only raise your voice and say to a redhead, "I'll fix you!" and she will cringe and crawl over to kiss you.

The hairdo is of no little consequence in choosing a wife. Smoothly combed, sleek hair with a white part denotes simple-mindedness and limited aspirations. This hairdo is most often seen on seamstresses, shopkeepers and tradesmen's daughters. Bobbed hair pulled down over the forehead indicates frivolity, a small mind and lust. Women usually wear such hairdos in an attempt to hide a low forehead. Chignons and assorted ringlets of false hair show lack of taste, no imagination and Momma's meddling in the coiffure. Hair combed back to front suggests a desire in a woman to be attractive not only from the front but also from the back. If that hairdo does not look like a heavy Tower of Babel, then it indicates taste and an easy disposition. Curly hair points to playfulness and an artistic nature. A careless, tousled hairdo suggests doubt or mental laziness. A woman's way of thinking is hidden under her hairdo. If a woman is gray or bald and still tries to marry, it means she has lots of money. The fewer hairpins in a hairdo, the more resourceful the woman is and the more certain one can be that it is her own hair.

Now to eye color. Blue, languishing eyes denote faithfulness, submissiveness and gentleness. Blue, bulging eyes are most often found in thieving and mercenary women. Black eyes signify passion, quick temper and deceit. Note that intelligent women rarely have black eyes. Fashionable women, gigglers and simpletons usually have gray eyes. Hazel eyes suggest love of gossip and envy of another's wardrobe.

Select a woman of medium height. Tall women are somewhat coarse, and they hit hard, whereas little women tend to be fidgets and like to scream, scratch and sting. Avoid hunchbacks: They are wicked and spiteful.

A hurried walk with a backward turn of the head bespeaks flightiness and levity. A lazy gait is usually found in a woman whose heart is already taken--you won't find your supper there. A woman who walks like a duck, waddling and wagging her bustle, is kind, complacent and, sometimes, dumb. One finds a proud, swanlike walk in ladies of a certain kind and in kept women. The haughtier the walk, the older and richer the keeper. When young girls walk like that, it is an indication of conceit and narrow-mindedness. If a lady does not walk but glides like a peacock, then turn back--she'll feed you, comfort you but will be sure to keep you under her thumb.

Distinguishing marks are not numerous. Dimples denote coquetry, secret peccadillos and a good nature. Dimples and squinting eyes promise much but not for the Platonic lover. A little hair on the upper lip points to infertility. Long nails can, of course, be seen on fine ladies. Eyebrows that run together mean that the person concerned will be a strict mother and a rampaging mother-in-law. Freckles are found most often on redheaded demons, crybabies and born slaves. Plump and appetizing ladies with puffed cheeks and red hands are naïve. They do not know how to spell, but they quickly learn how to bake tasty pies and sew velvet jackets for their husbands.

Principle Number Two

Never marry without a dowry. A marriage without a dowry is like honey without a spoon, Santa Claus without a beard or a ship without a sail. Love is one thing and dowry another. Ask at once for 200,000 rubles. After you have stunned the bride's family with the figure, start bargaining, put on airs, stall for time, but make sure you receive the dowry before the wedding. Don't accept any promissory notes, bonds or shares; feel and sniff every ruble note and hold them all up to the light, because it is not unusual for parents to pay counterfeit money for their daughters' dowries.

Besides the money, try to grab for yourself as much as you can. Even a bad wife should bring with her: (A) as much furniture as possible and a piano; (B) one swansdown bedcover and three quilts-- silk, wool and cotton; (C) two fur coats, one for holidays and another for weekdays; (D) an ample supply of dishware, e.g., a tea service, dinnerware, cooking pots, kitchen accessories, etc.; and (E) 18 chemises of the best Dutch linen, with trimmings; six bed jackets of the same linen, with lace trimmings; six nankeen bed jackets; six pairs of bloomers, also nankeen, and six of English chiffon; six skirts of brocaded silk with edgings and insertions; a peignoir of Victorian cambric and four demipeignoirs of ditto; six pairs of striped-muslin bloomers; sheets, pillowcases, bonnets, stockings, fustian skirts, garters, tablecloths, kerchiefs, etc., in sufficient quantity.

Check all of this yourself, count every item, and if something is missing, demand it immediately. (Don't take children's clothing, since this is a bad omen: Where there are children's clothes, there are no children; where there are children, there are no children's clothes.) Instead of dresses, the fashion of which changes quickly, ask for material in yards. Don't marry without silverware.

After you marry, be firm and just with your wife; don't let her forget herself. And in every misunderstanding, tell her, "Don't forget, I've made you happy!"