The Year in Movies

It was a year for music, monsters and action. Old pros like Albert Finney and Pat Morita turned in magnificent performances. Newcomers such as Adolph Caesar (as the black technical sergeant and murder victim in A Soldier's Story) were brilliant. An unknown, Dr. Haing S. Ngor, gave the performance of his life in The Killing Fields. But 1984 will be remembered as the year the kids from Saturday Night Live figured out movies. Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy redefined box-office bravado. Ghostbusters, a movie that Columbia executives had thought would do poorly, ate all the other summer films (including two from Steven Spielberg) alive. And as we went to press, Beverly Hills Cop was closing in for the kill. It was a year for comebacks--what can you say when you see two old friends, HAL and Spock, brought back from the dead? And as for Clint Eastwood, well, he pulled a hat trick with Sudden Impact, Tightrope and City Heat.

Hollywood seemed to get into a groove, or maybe a rut. Sally Field, Sissy Spacek and Jessica Lange were great in the Barnyard Trilogy-- Places in the Heart, The River and Country. Next year, we will have the sequel, Places in the River Country. It seemed as if the world's screenwriters were reading the same phone-booth wall: For a good time, Call Carmen. In 1984, there were five Carmen films--the opera version with Placid Domingo; Carlos Saura's dance version with Laura del Sol; The Tragedy of Carmen, by Peter Brook; First Name: Carmen, by Jean-Luc Godard; and something en route from Paris called Carmen Nue, which is a skin-flick title if we ever heard one. Let's give it a rest, OK, guys?

The rash of break-dancing movies created a national health hazard. The Journal of the American Medical Association reported that break dancing had contributed to broken arms and collarbones, torn knee ligaments, severe sprains of the ankle and thumb, patchy baldness and back injuries. Also, the does warned, the fad was associated with twisted testicles, which could prove a real problem if left untreated. Twisted testicles? We thought that was how those guys learned break dancing--first you wound 'em up like rubber hands, and then you danced.

Hollywood Hotline

We love Hollywood stories, especially the ones about "there but for the grace of God go I" casting-couch blunders. Word has it that Columbia wanted to cast Sylvester Stallone in the title role of Beverly Hills Cop. He rewrote the script, turning it from a comedy into Mad Max at Ma Maison. Thank God for Eddie Murphy.

This year's Butch Cassidy Sundance Kid Award goes to the casting director of The Terminator. Originally, Arnold Schwarzenegger was going to play the hero. (The role went to Michael Biehn instead, and Arnold made B-movie history as the heavy.)

And, finally, a Bushman in the can is worth two in the.... In the South African comedy The Gods Must Be Crazy, a Coke bottle falls out of a plane, conks a native and sets off a chain of screwball-comedy gags as the Bushman tries to return the bottle to the gods. The producers are trying to find the Bushman to make a sequel, but their star, it seems, has vanished in the veld. Have they checked Ma Maison?

Magic Moments

The year was filled with wonderful moments: The final fight in The Karate Kid. John Candy trying to play racquetball in Splash. Arnold slitting his eyeball in The Terminator. Our award for most daring bit of casting goes to the guy who called up Bubba Smith and offered him the role of an ex-florist in Police Academy. The contest for best musical moment in a year of movie music is a hit of a tossup. We liked the upside-down Mozart in Amadeus. We liked Tony Perkins playing Get Happy to a trussed up Kathleen Turner in Crimes of Passion. We liked Kevin Bacon teaching his friend how to dance in Footloose. Our Popcorn Award goes to the hauntingly beautiful, elegant, sensitive piano solo in This Is Spinal Tap called Lick My Love Pump.

Probably the best moments of the year came from scene stealers. Bronson Pinchot as the trés gai gallery aide Serge nearly upstaged Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop. Prince's main man Morris Day gets the Grand Theft Award for being spectacular in Purple Rain.

Sexual chemistry

Where arc Tracy and Hepburn when you need them? Bill Murray and Sigourney Weaver, as the ghoul next door, were hot in Ghostbusters. (Our favorite dialog takes place when he shows up and finds she's possessed: "Are we still going out?" Later, when she moans that she wants him inside her, he refuses. "No, I can't. Sounds like you've got at least two people in there already. Might ... be a little crowded.")

In Police Academy, Steve Guttenberg flirts with Kim Cattrall: "I'd give anything to see. 'our thighs. I don't suppose you'd describe them for me?"

"Well, they're tan, of course. Very supple, well rounded and luxuriant to the touch."

We have a special Yeah, But Will It Work in Real Life? Award for the sexual repartee in Purple Rain: When Apollonia asks for Prince's help, His Royal Badness replies, "Well, for starters, you have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka." Right. And later he says, "Don't get my seat all wet." Just try those lines with a girl. Then send us the address of your hospital.

Best Lines

We go to the movies for philosophical concepts and psychological insights--and to meet chicks. Our favorite moments of dynamic dialog follow.

Melanie Griffith in Body Double: "I do not do animal acts. I do not do S and M or any variations of that bent. No water sports, either. I will not shave my pussy, no fist-fucking and no coming in my face."

Robin Williams in Moscow on the Hudson: "I also sell vitamins. True Nature. It's a six-pack of health. It's great for sex. Gives you the dick of death."

Steve Martin in The Lonely Guy: "We can go to motels and listen to other people have sex."

Gregory Itzen in Hard to Hold: "It's tough bein' a star. Everybody thinks it's all tits and champagne."

Faye Dunaway in Supergirl: "I can make the sky rain coconuts with pinpoint accuracy, but I still can't control men's minds...."

From All of Me, Lily Tomlin: "I'm going to come back from the dead."

Steve Martin: "And, uh, what makes you think you can do that?" Tomlin: "Because I'm rich."

Pornucopia

Americans spend an estimated seven billion dollars a year on pornography, roughly equal to the amount of money--give or take a billion or two--that Caspar Weinberger resisted trimming off the military budget. You don't suppose he buys all the X-rated videos for the Armed Forces, do you? Maybe Woodward and Bernstein should look into this. According to Adult Video News, the top ten best sellers of the year were Insatiable II, Taboo III, The Young Like It Hot, Fleshdance, All-American Girls in Heat (Part II), Firestorm, Dixie Ray, Hollywood Star, Surrender in Paradise, Every Woman Has a Fantasy and Suzie Superstar. We asked the Playboy Advisor for his favorite films. His list, in no particular order, consists of Nightdreams, Smoker, Every Woman Has a Fantasy, All-American Girls in Heat (Part II), Stud Hunters and The Terminator. He realizes that the last is not a porn flick, but since Bruce Williamson didn't include it in his ten best, the Advisor had to find a place for it.

Bruce's Best

All of Me: Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin getting their bodies and souls mixed up in a madcap farce about reincarnation.

Amadeus: Music, music, music, with Tom Hulce starring in Milos Forman's superlative Mozart bio, based on the play by Peter Shaffer.

Careful He Might Hear You: Adult drama about a child-custody case, the best Australian import since Breaker Morant and koala bears.

The Killing Fields: Compelling true story of friendship between a New York Times journalist and an Asian colleague in war-torn Cambodia.

A Passage to India: It's no Lawrence of Arabia, but David Lean's adaptation of the E. M. Forster classic is traditional veddy British movie-making on a grand scale.

Romancing the Stone: Generally hilarious high adventure, with Kathleen Turner as a romance novelist whose wildest dreams come true with Michael Douglas.

A Soldier's Story: Murder in an Army camp way back when. Eyes right on Adolph Caesar, who walks away with it as the victim.

Splash: Wild, wet and generally wonderful, with Daryl Hannah and Tom Hanks generating sexy up-scale chemistry. If you prefer Ghostbusters, be my guest. It's a close call.

A Sunday in the Country: From France with amour, a grand human comedy for all seasons, by Bertrand Tavernier.

This Is Spinal Tap: Irresistible deadpan spoof of every pop-rock follow-the-boys movie since the Beatles made it big in A Hard Day's Night.

Viva La Violence

The inventiveness quotient for blood and guts was pretty high in 1984. Parents objected to the thug-gee ritual in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom in which a priest removed a live, beating heart from a victim's chest. Spielberg scored again in Gremlins when Mom threw a pesky critter into the blender for a little monster mash and nuked another in the microwave. Who needs the MX missile when everyday kitchen appliances will do?

But when it comes to armaments, we do have one unexplained scene: In Red Dawn, a group of teenaged kids outfit themselves with weapons from a sporting-goods store and harass the whole Red army. The next scene has them ambushing a Red column with a couple of mines. Now, we don't know what kind of sporting-goods stores they have in your part of the world, but land mines are not part of the standard hunting gear. What do you use 'em on--armadillos?

Creature Quiz

They don't give Oscars to gizmos, gadgets and glops. We can see why. It was hard to decide which was the most disgusting organism to grace the silver screen in 1984. With Clint busy, Burt in bed, Bill in the Himalayas and Eddie unavailable, studios turned to creatures. Below, clockwise from far right, we have the stars of 1. C.H.U.D., 2. The Last Staifighter, 3. Gremlins and Return of the Jedi, 4. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, 5. Ghostbusters and 6. Dreamscape. Yecch.

Bruce's Bombs

Best Defense: A real dud, with Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy (paying his dues and collecting high interest, later, with his smash-hit comedy Beverly Hills Cop).

Bolero: A lot of hull. Even Bo Derek's generously displayed hide couldn't save it.

Cannonball Run II: Good reason to keep Burt Reynolds off the road--and this time, he carried a couple of dozen celebrity chums along for his annual multivehicle mishap.

Dune: The worm turns, but probably not excitingly enough to turn a profit. Even if you have read the books, this over-budget, overwrought s-f saga's a loser.

Hard to Hold: Out of General Hospital's suds into the sludge, pop star Rick Springfield hit all wrong notes in his big-screen debut.

Micki & Maude: Our man Dudley proving once again that Moore may well be less as a leading man.

The Razor's Edge: On a whim, Bill Murray does his Tyrone Power imitation. A close shave for Maugham readers.

Red Dawn: The 1984 war lover's handbook, assembled by John Milius, who spills everyone's guts in a bloody valentine to violence.

Rhinestone: The Sly and Dolly show, a classic mismatch set to music, sort of.

Sahara: Blood and sand and Brooke Shields, a blooming beauty who-- as usual-- deserves better.

Our First Auuual Creature-Feature Quiz Can you name the movie? Answers above.