The Playboy Advisor

I am a 29-year-old businessman very happily married to a woman of the same age. My problem concerns our sexual relations---or at least my fantasies about our sexual relations. There's something missing from our sex life that I constantly fantasize about and would dearly love to experience: spanking---that is, my spanking her. This obsession may sound rather absurd, but my particular "perversion" doesn't seem to be quite as rare as I once imagined it to be---at least from what I've read and heard. My wife came from a rather conservative family and was sexually naïve when I married her, but she has since, I think, come to enjoy sex and has been willing to try new things. My problem is, how do I ease spanking into a regular part of our sex life? Do women ever fantasize about being spanked? This particular need of mine has been with me ever since I was an adolescent but has had no outlet for satisfaction other than in fantasies---I was simply afraid, as I am now, that if I told a woman about this, she'd pack up and leave. Mind you, I wouldn't dare hurt her. It's just that whenever I see her gorgeous, slightly plump little ass wiggling around the house, I have an enormous hard-on and fantasize for the next week about taking her over my lap, pulling down her jeans and panties and paddling her with my bare hand or a ping-pong paddle. There are variations on this, of course. All this, I'm sure, does make me sound like a sadistic pervert. Maybe I am. But assuming no one gets hurt (and I have no intention of hurting her beyond mere light spanking), what's the harm? Any suggestions?---S. S., Chicago, Illinois.

Don't be so timid. Show your wife this letter. Say, "Gee, it takes all kinds to fill the free-ways, doesn't it, honey?" Then pause and ask her if she's ever had a fantasy about spanking. (You may be surprised by her answer.) As a means to an end, you might simply confess to your own fantasy and ask for her cooperation. A marriage should include the sharing of fantasies. That has to cut both ways. Maybe you'll wind up on the receiving end.

I bought a TV set that's supposed to be cable ready. I can get some cable channels, but the picture is completely scrambled. I recall that on my old TV, there was a horizontal-hold control that could straighten out the picture. There's no such control on my new one. Are the TV-set manufacturers in cahoots with the cable operators to force us to pay for a cable converter?---B. N., San Diego, California.

To begin with, the term cable ready is some-what overstated. It would be more to the point to describe the new, electronically (digitally) tuned TV sets as cable compatible, which means that they can receive the basic channels of a cable system without a converter and also permit the use of a remote-control accessory. You still have to subscribe to the cable system, however. And you still need the converter to get the "premium" channels that are scrambled. The horizontal-hold control has nothing to do with it. The use of microprocessors for tuning simply obviates the need for that control. The scrambling of the premium channels is done generally by either of two techniques. One is known as sync suppression, which tears up the picture. The other is video inversion, which makes blacks white, and vice versa, and also messes up the color. You could fiddle all day and night with a horizontal adjustment and get nowhere with such scrambling. Note, too, that getting some kind of descrambler on your own is illegal. As things stand, you must get that device from the cable company.

This is a true story, no matter how incredible it may seem. Three weeks ago, my girlfriend abruptly and unexpectedly broke up with me. I believed we were having a happy, understanding relationship. Her final words were, "I have only one life to live. I'd like to experience different things." I was crushed. I persistently tried to win her back---with roses, chocolates, cards and anything else you can imagine. It was no use. Anger began to set in, and I was determined to discover the man who had swept her off her feet and away from me. I rented a car and parked down the street from her house on a day I knew she would go out. Sure enough, she came out and entered her car. She had gotten dressed up and was very beautiful. I followed her to an apartment complex not far away. The sun had just dipped below the horizon as she went up a few steps and knocked on a door. I got out of the car and watched from behind a tall hedge. To my tremendous surprise, a tall and attractive brunette who must have been about 35 or 40 years old opened the door. They kissed each other briefly on the lips. And as the door closed behind them, I saw the brunette grab and squeeze my ex's buttocks. I left quite disgusted and disappointed. I have nothing against gays, but I can tell you my girlfriend sure wasn't one. She's 22, and maybe she was lured by the other woman. The mystery woman is not only gay but about 15 years older than my ex. Is this a passing thing? I still love my girlfriend very much and would do anything to be with her again. Any tips on how I could win her back? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.---T. S., Seattle, Washington.

We suppose a sex change is out of the question. Come back as a lesbian and you might win your ex's heart. But then, this may just be a phase she's going through. There you'd be, empty, uh, handed. She's moved on. Face that and get on with your own life. You are in love with a memory, with the habits of a good time. They say that the only cure for a woman is another woman. Find her.

I have a rather embarrassing problem: Whenever I am around women, I get a huge hard-on. I try not to think about it, but it swells and really hurts. This happens up to three times a day, and the women I work with really notice. Now no one will go out with me, even to lunch, because everyone thinks I'm a pervert and very horny. That's not it at all. In fact, I am a normal guy. What can I do to control my "bulging muscle"? I am nine inches, so it's a problem.---J. L., Butler, Pennsylvania.

Ahem. Maybe you should wear looser clothing. It works for us.

Recently, for some obscure reason, a group of us found ourselves discussing the proper manner of urinating while wearing Jockey shorts. Much to everyone's surprise, we were unable to reach an agreement and would appreciate your advice and hearing whether or not you have any survey background on this subject. It appears that the categories involved are three: (1) those who use the flap built into the front of the Jockey shorts; (2) those who pull the leg of the Jockey shorts to one side; (3) those who pull down the waist band in order to relieve themselves. The conversation was quite hilarious; all of us involved have been asking our friends and we have found that there is a great diversity of opinion on the matter. We originally thought that the purpose of the flap was to facilitate such matters and that that would be the over-all winner of our informal poll. Much to our surprise, the pull-the-leg-to-one-side method seems to be most prevalent. We would appreciate hearing your comments.---P. S., Shirley, New York.

It's always nice to hear what men are concerned about in Shirley, New York. Seriously, though, we know of no formal surveys on this matter, but we would lay odds that most men do, indeed, pull or adjust their briefs to one side to facilitate urinating. You're correct in assuming that the flap was built into the shorts for this purpose, but we honestly doubt that very many men use it.

My fiancée, a divorcee, and I are both employed at a local TV station and must frequently work different hours and contend with on-call assignments. She recently persuaded me to sell my condominium and move in with her, as we are serious about getting married. All had been going very well until her 15-year-old daughter decided to return from the West Coast, where she had been staying with my fiancée's ex-husband. The girl is extremely cunning and provocative toward me, to say the least. Whenever I'm at home and her mother is at work, she'll do practically anything she can think of to turn me on---walk around in bra and panties; come into the bedroom when I'm asleep and tickle my feet teasingly---and will often sit on the bed, seeming to implore me to make it with her. It's gotten to the point where she reacts jealously to my relationship with her mom and is no doubt striving to compete with her for my affections. I would never even consider any form of relations with the girl, not only because of her age but because I do have high personal esteem and, above all, a genuine desire to marry my fiancée, for whom I have the greatest respect. How do I handle the present situation? I really don't want to foul up the relationship between my fiancée and her daughter and would prefer not to have to confront the girl directly. I would rather ignore the situation and hope the flame will burn itself out eventually.---F. P., Miami, Florida.

It's not your job to act as a father, but it is your responsibility to act as an adult. If and when you marry your fiancée, you are going to have to work together on a number of problems, including child rearing. Confer with your partner to be. You may have to seek counseling for your new family. Understanding, not silence, is the answer.

In 1983, I was presented with a baby granddaughter. This year, my son and his wife are expecting another child, I'd like to do something for them besides the usual setting up of trusts and the like. I remember that at a European wedding I attended, the father toasted the couple with wine of his daughter's birth year---wine he had laid down for her when she was born. What wines of the 1983 and 1985 Bordeaux vintages would be at their peak around 2005--2010? And how can I order some?---R. J., Hartford, Connecticut.

The early barrel-tasting reports of the 1983 vintage are in. While not so spectacular as those of 1982, the wines promise to be very good, indeed, and should hold well into the next century. At this point, you will have to buy 1983 futures in Bordeaux; the deal is that you pay full price on receipt of order and take delivery in 1986. The good side is that by 1986, the wines will likely have appreciated considerably. If you want to go top flight, some suggestions include the usual, premiers crus: Châteaux Lafite, Latour, Margaux and Mouton. All of them are about $480 a case now. For more modest drinking---but still very good---you might consider Châteaux Palmer, Léoville-Las-Cases and Figeac (all about $240 a case). For a still more modest taste, try Châteaux Gloria and Angludet (about $120).

I am a 35-year-old, six-foot-tall woman with a good figure and long blonde hair. I think I am attractive. My husband is a very practical man, a good provider and a loving father. My problem is that he is content with a not-so-exciting sex life crammed into a couple of minutes at the end of the day. I want to expand into acting out fantasies. I have tried to act out different roles---a hooker, a stripper and others---but he gets very embarrassed. I want to set moods for lovemaking and spend more time at it. All this is so threatening to him that now, if I put on a sexy nightgown, I can see panic in his eyes. I have tried to explain to him that I have difficulty shifting gears from talking about kids, finances, etc., to lovemaking. I need more preparation, more fantasies. His worst practical statement, which blew the entire night, came when the lights were low and soft music was playing: He announced, "Don't forget, the garbage goes out tomorrow."

Sometimes I think I would like the excitement of an affair, but I want to be faithful to my husband. If he pretended to be someone else, I would get that excitement. My dream is to make love to a Paul Bunyan type of character, with boots, a flannel shirt and low-cut jeans. When my husband works in the yard in jeans, I am all over him; but being very practical, he never quits working and gives in to me. He contends that after you have been married awhile, you should expect your sex life to settle in and be comfortable. I find that boring. I think you should be constantly looking for ways to spice it up. Most lovemaking takes planning to make it exciting. I still love a quickie, too, but a planned lovemaking session would be terrific. Am I expecting too much? Should I be content with having a good man who loves me? I am open to any hints.---Mrs. D. R., Allentown, Pennsylvania.

We don't like to take sides in marital disagreements, but we will say that in theory, at least, we prefer your approach to sex. Wild, imaginative, sweaty, reciprocal sex is the heart of marriage. What you have at present is a stalemate brought on by conflicting sexual attitudes. Counseling could help resolve that stalemate, but we have a hunch that your husband isn't interested in seeking help---largely because he doesn't think there's a problem. If that's the case and your frustration is severe enough to warrant it, we think you might benefit by going for help alone and talking out your feelings with a trained professional. There may be no way to change your husband; but at the same time, we don't think you should have to keep your fantasies and desires under wraps. We hope the two of you find a middle ground.

My question is about orgasms during dreams. My husband discontinued our sexual relations about seven years ago. At various times of the month, because of an inactive sex life, I have erotic dreams, usually involving a climax. Often, I will awaken during it or immediately before reaching the full climax and my physical position will be that of the woman in the missionary position---supine and with legs apart. I fail to understand how I can reach a climax with no stimulation to the genitals (my hands, blanket and pillows are never involved). If the climax is semifinished, I have to turn on my side and rub my legs together to reach completion. This is my usual method, but it involves pressure on the clitoris caused by the leg position. Is it possible for the mind to bring on an orgasm? I have had a discharge from viewing erotic movies or pictures, but there were never the orgasmic spasms that are present in these dreams. Can you enlighten me?---Mrs. K. S., Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Women, as well as men, have nocturnal orgasms. There's nothing abnormal about you; this is just your body's way of letting you know that it's functioning properly. If and when your sex life improves, your nighttime episodes are likely to occur less frequently or even to stop. And we would suggest seeing a therapist. Seven years without sex produces an itch of a different kind---spiritual as well as physical.

All reasonable questions---from fashion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating problems, taste and etiquette---will be personally answered if the writer includes a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The most provocative, pertinent queries will be presented on these pages each month.