Ultimate Pleasures

part two of an article

Last month, we showed what easily orgasmic women bring to the act of love and that every woman is the product of her sexual past. Orgasm is in part the result of individual experience, in part the result of creativity. Ecstasy is the meeting of attitude and attention. Technique is only part of the story. This month, we explore the realm of fantasy and sex itself.

Today, men are focused on your clitoris, like, "Oh, God, look! I found the magic spot!" But wait a minute, boys---there's still a lot of territory out here, and it's all connected! ---Coral

On one level, sexual arousal and orgasm are natural and simple; on another level, they are learned and complex. For clarity, we have divided Part Two into a section describing primarily physical aspects and a section describing primarily mental aspects. In life, there is no such distinction. A woman's body and mind are exquisitely blended at orgasm---perhaps as a prerequisite to orgasm.

Making love is sharing, and lovers delight in the feelings of joy experienced by their partners. In the interplay of excitement, there is no clear division of pleasure, but there are moments when one or the other takes or is given erotic stage center. And an easily orgasmic woman makes sure of such moments---when a man focuses his energies on giving her sexual pleasure. Sexually, there is "more" of her, a more intricate system---her entire erogenous body, her extensive genital network, her mind, particularly her emotions. Usually, she is slower than a man to become sexually aroused and, ideally, more actual lovemaking time is expended upon her pleasure. And, once thoroughly aroused, she has a greater orgasmic capacity than a man---the potential, bestowed by nature, to reach another climax more quickly. "You feel everything," one woman told us. "The whole body is erotic, and a lot of men don't know that."

When a woman communicates her sexual needs and cues her partner to her state of arousal, it's little to ask in return that he be a considerate lover. Even when she prepares herself for sex---and even when she's easily orgasmic---a woman wants time for romantic affection and foreplay and for making herself ready for orgasm. And, for a number of women, fore-play---manual or oral stimulation---is one of the best parts of lovemaking and may be the only way in which they are consistently orgasmic.

When they are slow to become aroused, 20 percent of the women in our study are best aroused through caressing---ears, lips, buttocks, toes, anything but their genitals. Kissing is a nice way to start: "I enjoy kissing more than any other fore-play." And stroking the skin can be especially erotic: "I want hands over my whole body." "Full-body contact arouses me." "Caress everything." Caress "the undersides of my arms," "my shoulder blades, abdomen, top of the mons," "my buttocks, the back of my knees," "inside my thighs, my legs." Kiss, nibble, suck or massage "my ear lobes, the nape of my neck, my eyelids," "my back, belly and thighs," "the whole of my feet, my toes." For ten percent of the women, feet and toes are a prominent focus of erotic turn-on.

One woman is orgasmic when her husband simply holds her---"Sometimes, after I've come once or twice, we talk and he holds me without other contact, and I come again in his arms"---another, when her lover kisses the small of her back or either side of her neck; and another, from kissing one side only: "A neck kiss on only my right side can bring my first or a later orgasm. The feeling starts at a spot on the side and trills down my back to my pelvis and vagina."

"Tits are sensuous---I need them handled, kissed and massaged."

"Cup the whole breast; for me, the outer edges are a place of major turn-on."

"I fondle my own breasts at orgasm---and wish that men did more of it."

For many women who are aroused by breast stimulation, the nipple is especially sensitive: "Circling my nipple and areola is the most erotic preliminary."

"My hard nipples are fabulously sensitive."

"If he gently sucks on my nipples, the feelings travel through my body."

Some notes of caution: A few women find their nipples too sensitive, particularly during the minutes following orgasm, and prefer that they not be stimulated. Further, some women simply do not enjoy breast or nipple stimulation, or enjoy it "depending on the quality of touch." And, finally, some partners overdo a good thing---they continuously stimulate the area, rendering it too sensitive or painful. Unless partners know otherwise, the best approach is an intermittent touch, with lips, tongue or fingers nipping, brushing or gliding in circles, perhaps gently intensified as a woman nears her orgasm.

Of the women in this study, 20 percent have been orgasmic from breast stimulation alone: "Every now and then, I can start right off by telling my partner to keep on nibbling, with little bites and caresses, until I come."

"Just before I come, my mind concentrates on my vaginal area, even if [the stimulation] started at my nipple."

Another woman says, "I like both a soft and an aggressive touch, on my nipples or on my full breasts, and sometimes I feel there's a wire from my breasts straight into my vagina. A straight pipeline---all he has to do is touch me there and the feelings go straight down. I have orgasms that way. I'll be still, relaxed, concentrating on the feelings; and all of a sudden, my whole body will shake involuntarily from head to toe, with rushes, chills and quivers."

For a number of women, the labia, both inner and outer, are an area of exquisite sensation. Partners should always add them to clitoral stimulation. Several women are orgasmic from primarily labial (with a little clitoral) touch.

Ninety percent of the women report being orgasmic from manual-genital stimulation. The ways women prefer it vary greatly.

Ginger: "I love it with my clothes on, through underpants or jeans."

Coral: "Mainly with my labia, and deep inside my vagina."

Other women: "Whole-hand pressure on the area." "All at once---clitoral, vaginal and anal." "I prefer fingers inside me, very little clitoral." "Vagina, clit and my whole pubic mons." "Vaginal, in and out, clitoral, side to side---and please throw in a tongue!" We recall Coral's statement that men seem focused on the clitoris. With manual stimulation, particularly, many women prefer the vagina or a combination of vagina and clitoris---or a partner's simultaneous use of mouth, fingers and limbs, all the while caressing the woman's entire responsive body.

Eighty-five percent of the women are orgasmic from cunnilingus, and a few others, though it does not bring them to orgasm, thoroughly enjoy the feelings. For several women, a genital kiss gives them their favorite sensations. As one says, "I'm orgasmic from everything, but if I had to give one up, oral or intercourse, at this point I'd stay with oral."

A woman's complete, abandoned enjoyment of cunnilingus usually takes both time and experience. Ingrid: "I was always orgasmic from manual and oral sex, but I thought oral was very different. For one thing, I figured that if a partner did it to me, I'd have to do it to him, and I didn't want him coming in my mouth. But also, for a while, I just thought it was terrible---that of all the times you shouldn't be orgasmic, it was during oral love. I had a real taboo feeling about that for a long time. I felt I should warn my partner that I was ready to climax, to let him pull away and have regular sex. But he never seemed to mind---so I never said anything."

Constance: "At first, I wasn't comfortable and would not allow myself to relax, to enjoy the feelings. Then I had a very considerate partner. He let me know he enjoyed it and that he'd never done oral love with just any passing acquaintance. That's quite flattering to a lady, that a man is that intimate with you and wants to make you that happy. He would make love to me orally for almost an hour to bring me to orgasm. After that, I learned to relax, and it became easier, quicker ... real easy! Sometimes you have to kiss just my thighs."

And a few women, though they have come to enjoy oral sex, still have substantial reservations. We are reminded of Emily, who always showers when oral sex is likely. These are the feelings of another woman, from a fundamentalist Christian background: "I guess it's because as women, we're so often brought up with the idea that that part of us is dirty. For a long time, I just couldn't believe that the person stimulating me orally was really enjoying it himself. Once I believed that, it allowed me to enjoy it---but I still have few orgasms orally."

There are other reservations:

"My husband likes it more than I do. I prefer him face to face, up here with me."

"I can't help it. I still think putting his mouth on my pussy is dirty."

"The stimulation is just too intense, and men don't know how to do it."

When a woman is slow to become aroused, oral sex is mentioned most often as the form of physical stimulation most likely to get her started.

Clitoral stimulation, manual or oral, is an art requiring a partner's talent---yet no matter how intuitive or experienced he may be, without a woman's feedback, his success is, at best, erratic. As Tracy stated, the focus of pleasure is a "moving hot spot," differing from moment to moment and never alike in two women. Of course, many men are insensitive and assume that all women are similar, or simply have no knowledge of how most women function.

Dorothy, a peppery redhead, exclaims, "I can tell you exactly the difference between a good one and a bad one. If a man goes down on you and the first thing he does is take your clit in his mouth and suck---that's a bad one! If he would just take his tongue and soothe my clit lightly---that's all he has to do! For some reason, they like to suck on it. But it's like a woman's giving a blow job---she wouldn't just suck; she knows better than that. It's different if you're close to orgasm; then he can use some suction, but before that, it's only irritating."

About half the women we surveyed preferred direct stimulation of the clitoris. By direct, we mean stimulation of the tip of the glans, where it protrudes from the hood or covering membrane.

Here are some examples of a preference for indirect stimulation, usually involving manual touch:

"I like it around the sides of my hood as well as along my labia. The glans and the top, where the hood blends into my labia, are always much too sensitive."

"Light pressure and more spread out, with the palm in a circular motion. Most men get too direct and intense."

The area at the top of the hood, covering the spot where the clitoris enters the pubis, is often one of extreme sensitivity. For many women, it is much too sensitive for comfort; for a small number of other women, however, when they are well advanced toward climax, stimulation of that area can trigger multiple orgasms.

Here are examples of preferences for more direct stimulation, usually involving oral sex:

"Direct, with pressure on the whole area. I love it when he takes his tongue and sweeps from back to front, from my tush through my vagina, across the tip of my glans and up to the top of my clitoris."

"After a while, I want it all---direct lapping, off-and-on vibration with his full tongue and sucking on my clitoris."

"Direct and very firm on my glans. It's a little painful at first, but I still like it."

Naturally, a substantial number of women desired both indirect and direct stimulation. A distinct trend emerged. Almost every woman who desired both wished to begin with a light, indirect sensation and touch, then move to more directness, more intensity and pressure, only as she neared her orgasm: "An easy, circular pressure and touch---but then, at orgasm, steady and direct on my glans, please."

"Back and forth, lightly across the hood and even the sides of my legs, then, near orgasm, pressure right on the tip."

This is hardly a rule, however---one woman likes the opposite: "I like the feeling in the middle of the hood, left, right, the sides, in a firm, circular motion. But then, at orgasm, I like more indirect pressure, spread to the entire vulval area."

Timing and touch are critical. If a lover dwells too long on one spot or returns to it too quickly or applies too much intensity too early, pleasure soon turns to annoyance or discomfort:

"I like it strong, and directly under the little hood---but surely not constant, in one place only."

"I prefer direct stimulation---but after a big orgasm, please don't touch me for at least five minutes."

"Vary the touch and area. Use some movement---and a lot of imagination."

Half the women in this study freely caress their own bodies while making love, and many partners find it highly arousing. The other half rarely, if ever, caress themselves while making love with a partner. The reasons are varied. A woman may feel that touching her body is purely her partner's province. Many feel inhibited---shy is a common word---and several feel that caressing themselves reduces their sensuous aura: "Sometimes I'd like to, but I'm embarrassed, and if I did I feel that I'd lose some seductiveness." Other women are mainly concerned with a partner's adverse reaction: "I'm afraid he'd feel threatened, that he'd construe it as meaning he wasn't good enough by himself." "I'd fear he'd think I'm too kinky, or more into myself than him." And a woman who never masturbates is unlikely to touch her clitoris, though the very same woman may lovingly touch her breasts.

But a woman is often highly aroused by touching her skin and parts of her body. Particularly when using a rear-entry position for intercourse or when she needs extra clitoral sensation to be orgasmic during intercourse and a partner fails or finds it awkward to adequately provide it, a woman may find that self-stimulation gives her total enjoyment.

"I love to caress my clitoris when his tongue is in my vagina or along my lips and inner things. When he takes me from behind, I cup myself with both my hands for stimulation and pressure."

"I'm open about touching myself. Even when I'm riding on top, I need a lot of moistness and clitoral stroking and pressure, and I'm never shy about helping my partner get me to come---he should enjoy my pleasure. Most partners like it---I've noticed it gets some wildly excited---but frankly, it they don't, I couldn't care less."

The anus is a region of highly erotic sensation. When stimulated, its muscles transmit sensation to adjoining areas. Anal muscles contract when a woman experiences orgasm. The anus, however, can be an area rife with prohibitions---some emotional, some aesthetic and others based on considerations of hygiene or past unpleasant experience.

More than two thirds of the women sometimes enjoy anal petting as a part of their lovemaking episodes. We emphasize Sometimes, because anal stimulation is a very quixotic pleasure:

"Odd, but sometimes it arouses me and sometimes it grosses me out."

"Sometimes a finger slipped in my tush can help bring me to orgasm, yet sometimes it only distracts me."

"It's a very sensitive area, and I like it within my control, not someone else's." So a woman's enjoyment of anal stimulation often depends on her partner, her mood, the situation, her state of arousal. Caring partners respect her decisions.

Anal petting encompasses a variety of stimuli, from light external caressing to slight penetration with finger or tongue or full, deep finger penetration; and, as noted above, a woman's desires are variable. Whatever the degree of stimulation, the purpose is increasing a woman's arousal, not indulging her partner. Some men fantasize about deep anal penetration of a woman as the expression of their dominance and her absolute loss of control, her willing and eager submission. This hardly helps most women reach orgasm.

In any event, a woman who relishes anal stimulation usually enjoys it in combination with other stimuli or mainly as a boost across her orgasmic threshold:

"Of course I like an external touch---it's part of making love and a nice added stimulus. I do it to my husband, too."

"No hang-ups here, but deep finger penetration can smart for a while until your bottom adjusts to it---then it's fantastic in combination with cunnilingus."

"A finger inside is a powerful boost to building sexual tension, and I'm particularly orgasmic when it comes near the end of intercourse. I feel so wide and extended that my body just opens and comes."

Before any type of anal penetration, a woman should be substantially aroused and more than abundantly lubricated. Any entry should be made with care. Gentleness, hesitation, a slow, gradual increase of pressure, with frequent pauses and even withdrawals, can aid penetration. The anus is unlike the vagina; quickly discard notions of a thrusting entry. It is usually also advisable to keep penetration shallow. In a healthy, natural state, the anal muscles are tightly constricted, and the rectum is unaccustomed to sudden, thrusting intrusion. A woman needs time to relax her muscles and let her mounting erotic feelings overcome pain. Even women who are orgasmic during anal intercourse have to get past discomfort or pain to get to arousal.

Provided they obtain additional clitoral or other stimulation, ten percent of the women we talked with are orgasmic during anal intercourse. An additional ten percent of the women report having been orgasmic when full anal intercourse was their only stimulation.

For many women, anal intercourse is simply an arousing fantasy, not to be confused---by men---with their wish to actually do it. Few women completely enjoy anal penetration, and those women who do have usually obtained a very high pitch (continued on page 174) Ultimate Pleasures ((continued from page 136) of prior sexual excitement, if not one or two orgasms.

To be orgasmic, a woman must never accept, and a partner must never press, any sexual activity that undermines her arousal. For most women, anal intercourse fits that description. However, if the thought is intriguing, it's important to know thoroughly your partner's past sexual habits. For aesthetic and practical reasons, before anal intercourse, an experienced woman, in privacy, thoroughly cleanses her rectum, and a novice should always use a copious amount of lubrication.

Easily orgasmic women tell their partners what gives them physical pleasure. But there is another side to sex---the mental scenarios that accompany physical pleasure.

"We've done it where I've always wanted to---on the beach, in bathrooms at parties, slyly at outdoor concerts. My favorite was in a private room at a very elegant restaurant, after a candlelight supper."

"I gave him a lovely gift and arranged for two massages---a woman for him and a man for me. Then two others, barely clothed, served us hors d'oeuvres and champagne. Then we scattered rose petals over the bed...."

Acting out fantasies may sometimes include an element of the forbidden or the possibility of being discovered. Any such adventurous sex, including sex with a couple or a person recently met, or acting a role or developing shared scenarios, may add arousing thoughts to pleasing physical acts: "We take turns. Maybe he's the doctor and I'm his seductive patient, or maybe I'm his teacher and he's in need of discipline. Sometimes we'll dress the parts, and we'll probably play the scene until we've both reached climax...."

The actual visual experience of love is often highly arousing. The entire love-making scene can be a source of excitement, or a woman may prefer to notice particular visual aspects:

Grace: "Watching our bodies making love is amazingly arousing. Bodies are surprisingly sensuous."

Bernadette: "It excites me to look at my breasts---the fact that we don't have clothes on, to see and feel him holding my breasts, to see my nipples erect."

Rita: "I look at my partner to feel more love and closeness. I like to watch penetration, or his tongue between my thighs.... It's also a turn-on to watch in mirrors---I have two close to my bed."

Among easily orgasmic women, we discovered two types of images, the prevalence of which has largely escaped popular and professional notice. These images are rooted in the ongoing moment of lovemaking---a woman's sexual activities with her partner and her body's responses. As such, they are not only highly arousing but entirely faithful to the moment and a woman's relationship with her partner.

We term one of these images a third-person-observer image. A majority of the women report this erotic experience. As if she were a movie camera, or another person watching, a woman has varied images of what she and her partner are actually doing, though some women change it a bit or add a touch of fantasy. However, an orgasmic woman is never detached, never a passive spectator, aloof from her sexual experience---detachment often characterizes nonorgasmic women. Although aware of the image, orgasmic women remain immersed in simultaneous sensations. Further, arousal is usually more intense when a woman senses herself within the picture.

Many women are aware of their state of physical arousal. Awareness is a subtle, fully involved immersion in bodily sensations. Arousal begets arousal:

"I'm aware of my nipples, my lubrication, my clitoris and labia engorging, and I'm conscious of a rising feeling---I recite each sensation."

Ginger: "Sometimes I'm like a third person, watching myself from out of the bed. I see what I'm actually doing, see my own body on top or rear penetration---and yet my focus is always on me, for my own sexual pleasure, and I'm absolutely feeling everything that's happening."

Rita: "What I see is bodies. For instance, during oral sex---and it may not even be exactly what is happening---I see my body stretched out on a bed and a man's body kneeling by mine. My legs are probably up, and my hands are along the sides of his head. It's just the image and feelings, a very soft, very beautiful image. And I see the body movements, but I don't see the details ... just the scene, very soft lights and images and me."

Natalie: "I've always watched what we're doing at that moment. And I can imagine other men---never women. Yet I never imagine their faces but only parts of their bodies, such as abdomens, rear ends and thighs---and mostly extra hands. Hands become large; I see details such as their nails ... hands inside my vagina, touching my nipples, my clitoris, bottom ... hands all over my body. Maybe that's how I have breast orgasms, by imagining lots of sensations."

These third-person-observer images blend to form a different type of image, that of specific body parts. Among women who have visual images, there seems a progression during lovemaking, a tendency to move toward body-part images as a woman nears orgasm. Occasionally, a woman will take a fantasy or a role image right through the peak of orgasm; but more frequently, as erotic arousal mounts, her focus begins to shift toward third-person and body-part images---closer to pure sensation.

A Substantial majority of women in our study frequently have these images. We say frequently because a woman who is aware of having one of these images usually has many. And we suspect that the actual incidence is greater than that uncovered by our interviews: Many of these images are fleeting impressions, quickly forgotten after lovemaking.

What do we mean by body-part imaging? Simply, a woman will have close-up images of her own body parts or her partner's while she is making love. These images seem to be natural, usually spontaneous, extremely arousing---and, for several women, almost essential to orgasm.

Jennifer is 21 and single, a recent college graduate: "Visualizing my clitoris or the parts of my body being touched is important. That helps me a lot for orgasm."

Iris: "I very definitely see images of my body as it's aroused. I think that's a necessity, very important. You have to realize how each of your body parts feels to you when it's being touched. To reach orgasm, I enjoy many layers of stimulation."

Kate describes a common experience:

"When a man is making oral love to me, sometimes, in my mind, I actually see my clitoris growing. I can feel it getting hard and I think, My God, it's just like a man's penis! I can feel it start to stick out, and when he has his lips on it, I see and feel the hardness."

Although most body-part images have a visual component, some are purely kinesthetic, a recall or recognition of arousing bodily feelings. Tracy, who has a visual orgasmic image, has images of only sensation during her arousal: "Something may cue a memory, and past sensations pop in." And Emily, who never has visual images, relates, "My first orgasm was shocking. It kind of scared me, but I knew right away I liked it. Then I got worried that it wasn't going to happen again. So I touched myself more and went back in my mind through the entire sexual experience to see what made me feel good, trying to capture whatever sensations I went through. Now I think about how I'm feeling and concentrate on where he's touching. I can help control it.... I'm familiar with the feelings of arousal."

What does a woman see when she has visual images of body parts? Let us try to fathom the scope of one woman's experience. Grace is aware of her images: "I'm a visual and tactile person. I watch our loveplay [third-person images], but later on I see areas. I see my husband clearly--- I'm a chest-shoulders-and-butt woman---or his genitals, face, mouth or tongue, his head between my legs. But I see myself as a vague form, especially when there's intense feeling, as when his mouth is upon my breast. Then I see my nipples, my pelvis, clitoris, thighs---and particularly my vagina. I focus on vaginal, insertion. As if I were inside my vagina, I see his penis start to descend as if it were coming toward me. I only sense my vaginal walls, but his penis is hard and powerful. I see and feel it ripple and glide. When I'm feeling the gliding and impact that way, I feel very pink and open."

Most body-part images are visualizations of contact, with both the woman's and her partner's parts in felt-and-seen combinations. Realistic or somewhat abstract, the images have extremely strong, immediate sensations: "I visualize sensations." "I see what feels intense or arousing." A common image is of the penis within the vagina, usually seen in a cut-away view, "from the side, like looking through a window."

Many women have images of ejaculation: "I see his penis throbbing, then spurting inside my vagina." But even before they touch, a woman may see parts of her partner's body, particularly his penis, face, chest, hands---whatever she may value as a source of erotic stimulation.

A woman may also anticipate desired stimuli. Alice is single, in her late 20s: "During oral sex, I sometimes jump ahead in my mind and see myself in intercourse. If I'm going to peak, especially if I've had one orgasm and the same tongue or kissing is building toward another, I'll let my partner know that I feel an urge to have intercourse. I often see quick side views of his penis inside my vagina. When I need deeper thrusting, it helps me establish a rhythm and to know how to move him to get where it feels good."

A woman's imaging usually stops in the moments just before orgasm---or a new type of image is initiated. Yet a few women do experience comprehensive or related images that start in mid-arousal and extend through the peak of orgasm. Natalie is such a woman, possessing, as she informed us, a repertoire of images, and some are of special beauty.

"When I'm having oral sex, I see all the little creases and crevices in my vagina; my clitoris is large and swollen and enlarging even more, and fluttering, because it usually does before and after orgasm.... When he enters initially, I have an image of this large, beautiful penis perfectly filling a marvelous space, and it's an incredible feeling to have something in you, enter inside your body, a very romantic feeling that now we have united.... The walls of my vagina are rather narrow and long, pink, fleshy and moist.... When he comes inside me, I feel a flush of warm ivory-colored liquid and watch it coming toward me, very gently and lightly Washing over my presence....

"When I am ready for orgasm, I always imagine my vagina as being doors opening and closing.... The doors are deep inside me, surrounded by fleshy vagina. They open like double French doors, white, very delicate, feminine. I see them slowly opening, then staying open at orgasm. Sometimes, depending on how wet I am, I see blue water seep out the doors, as if that's the way I'm coming. Then, after I've had my orgasm, I see the doors slowly close."

Of the easily orgasmic women in our study, 80 percent, at least on occasion, have third-person observer and/or body-part images.

Although orgasm is physical, orgasmic women use their minds to nourish their bodies to orgasm.

For a few women, this nourishment takes the form of a simple focusing, concentrating their minds to blend with pure sensation. But most do immensely more: They pre-arouse their bodies and minds before a sexual encounter; they focus on making love, eliminating distractions; they use all their senses, choosing and also creating erotic sensory input. During lovemaking, 90 percent sometimes use a form of visual imaging; 80 percent have fantasies; 90 percent use roles or go with thematic moods; 80 percent use third-person views or close-up body-part images. When all these factors are added, the total effect is striking: Orgasmic women make especially sure of getting enough stimulation for orgasm.

However, no woman does everything. As Grace, who focuses on images and sensory impressions and is always immersed in her body's sensations, exclaims, "I can't have fantasies, too; there's just no more mental room!" Indeed, there is not. At any given moment, a person can engage in only so much mental activity. Further, women have preferences; each attends to whatever, for her, is most erotically pleasing. One attends to pure sensation, aided, perhaps, by a feeling image or boosted by audible input. Another sees vivid images; another enacts roles or fantasies. There are infinite possibilities and, therefore, infinite choices. Only you can choose.

"I gave him a lovely gift and arranged for two massages---a woman for him and a man for me.' "