The VCR Date

nowadays, going out to a movie means staying in

The Trouble with going out on dates is, you shave, put on a clean sweater, pick up your date and run into what? Old girlfriends.

The old-fashioned night on the town has been replaced. Dating hordes now spend date nights cocooned in front of the chrome icon, Sony the All-Seeing.

As social phenomena go, Video Saturday Night has nothing on William "The Refrigerator" Perry or even Madonna, but it's far bigger than the light-wine boom.

There are more than 20,000,000 VCRs in America--lined up end to end, they would stretch from Chinatown to Gallipoli. They're selling at a rate of 1,000,000 a month. One in every three households in the U.S. has a VCR, and it is believed that not one of those households has Jujubes stuck to the floor. And some people thought the sexual revolution was hot stuff. At this instant, on VCRs from coast to coast, Mel Gibson is boffing Diane Keaton 10,000 times. No wonder Diane's cheeks are red.

What is all this doing to our dating habits? To find the answers, I spoke with experts in the field.

Dr. Joyce Brothers has two VCRs. In her office, there's a picture of her on a couch with a VCR, counseling it. Dr. Brothers was one of the first to predict the video boom, and she thinks that video dating enhances a couple's romantic opportunities.

"For becoming intimate, the steps are easier," she says. "It's harder to get your girl from a movie theater into bed than simply to move into the next room or lie down in front of the TV. But there are no short cuts to intimacy. You still have to care about the other person and know that person, or sex is about as much satisfaction as a sneeze."

Realistically, though, some people need short cuts to intimacy. Brothers admits to knowing of one. "For newly dating couples," she says, "the best bet is a horror film. The physiology of arousal is such that when you are frightened, it's the same arousal as when you are sexually excited. One spills over easily into the other.

So try those fright films."

And if you'd like to double down, becoming aroused while watching Dr. J. in a fright film, try Embryo, in which she cameos.

For tips on hosting the video date, I turned to Jim Lange, legendary m.c. of The Dating Game. The video date is "a wonderful date, a great way to spend an evening," says Lange, whose preferred video night features an intriguing double bill, To Kill a Mockingbird and Repo Man.

Lange doesn't consider himself an authority on dating, though to an entire TV generation, he's something of a dating god.

"Caring about your guest, a genuine caring--that's what's important," he says. "The best dating advice is the same advice I'd give on being a good host, and that is to be yourself at all times."

For the film maker's perspective, I spoke with John Waters, director of the cult perennial Pink Flamingos and other boxoffice gross-outs.

"The entire success of home video is due to the fact that most of us don't have the nerve to masturbate in public," says Waters, whose films feature masturbation, incest, cannibalism, chicken fucking and coprophagy (eating poop). "It's good news. This is the first time I've gotten a big hunk of money, and more people stop me on the street now. The garbage man, for one. And that's who I'm really honored to reach."

At home, Waters entertains his video dates with Russ Meyer films, the documentary Manson and tapes of The Collegians, a bizarre talent contest that ran on Baltimore TV about 25 years ago. The Collegians stars a child contortionist and a girl with gargantuan things doing interpretive dance to the Pink Panther theme. He says that baloney sandwiches are the perfect snack for a John Waters video date.

Beginning couples may also benefit from the following helpful hints, developed with the input of the experts and considerable trial and error on my part.

I.Be kind--unwind.

Your date doesn't want Cujo sprung on her the moment she flips off her shoes. Treat her like a lady. Hold the refrigerator door for her. Inside, have two glasses of chilled champagne and two frozen Snickers. If you spill some champagne, let her step across your jacket to the living room. Tell her she looks as radiant as the pixels in your new Trinitron.

2. Match the movie to the mood.

There are more kinds of women than whiskers on the cast of Quest for Fire, but none of them will want your epiderm if you show Faces of Death, Rock-Hard Gay Waiters or Greatest Sports Legends. In general, avoid evisceration, sports legends and rock-hard gay waiters. Any kind of hard-core porn, in fact, is probably a bad idea, though it's worth considering if your date wears a lot of blue eye shadow.

Soft-core dramas such as Swept Away ... and Last Tango in Paris, on the other hand, virtually guarantee audience participation. Totalitarian drama is also worth a try. If your date has just seen Midnight Express and 1984, she is probably so glad to live in a democracy that she'll want to pursue happiness immediately.

3. Le menu.

Video dating requires gustatory creativity.

Pizza may be the bowler's conception of Italian food, but it's perfect for Fellini. Mix and match, but stay thematic. Try Dracula with a garlic pizza, Jaws with anchovies, Popeye with spinach, Gandhi with nothing at all. Pizza and a bowling ball go well with Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia.

More substantial fare, such as The Godfather, calls for a more substantial meal--vino, mostaccioli, veal Marsala, cannoli, cappuccino, maybe a spritz of holy water.

Are you inexperienced? Then try these video helpers, courtesy of the National Filmic Nutrition Institute.

Greens and Tang for The Brother from Another Planet, subs for Das Boot, Rice Krispies for Hiroshima, Mon Amour, eggplant for Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Butterfingers for Last Tango in Paris, macaroni for Macaroni, upside-down cake for The Poseidon Adventure, Ding Dongs for The Postman Always Rings Twice, sushi for Splash and Screaming Yellow Zonkers! for Tora! Tora! Tora!

Do not serve eggs with Cool Hand Luke.

4. Furniture placement and you.

Your VCR should sit at eye level and dominate the room.

Put away your chairs; scatter pillows on the floor. Put all the rest of your furniture out in the street. The homeless, who have no VCRs, should at least get to put their feet up. And remember--no matter what the manufacturer says--owning a love seat is brutally gauche. It indicates to your date that you get your homefurnishings ideas from Wheel of Fortune.

5. Porno, or no?

It is said that women don't get off on pictures. As the Spanish say, ¡Ha! If women are less responsive than men to visual stimuli, explain the careers of Georgia O'Keeffe and Mel Gibson.

Women are, however, comparison makers, and this can lead to trouble. Brothers says that when there's an attractive person of your sex on the video screen, your date sees you as even less attractive than you are, if possible. The solution? Try showing something starring beautiful women and evolutionary missing links--a category that includes almost all porn films, as well as 1972's Elvis on Tour.

6. Judging a tape by its box.

The intelligent consumer can tell a lot about a tape by its cover. For example, if Kitten Natividad--she plays the lead in Bodacious Ta Ta's--has top billing, the consumer knows that he'll need a wide-screen monitor. If the box bears a title such as All-Male Burlesque Revue, he knows he shouldn't touch it if he has any open sores on his hands. If the box has a picture of Robby Benson on it, he knows that the film has not been rented by anyone else. If the box is all slimy and smells like huevos rancheros steamed in a latrine, it's a Stallone picture. Sorry, it's out.

7. Video rules.

What's the point in arguing with a lifestyle revolution? If you don't have a VCR now, you will by Christmas, so you may as well go out and get one today. The Movie Channel now features special programing for VCR owners to tape, so that the next time they watch the tube, they can watch the VCR instead of The Movie Channel. On video, Brando is still young, Rocky is not yet rich and, at this moment, Mel Gibson, Warren Beatty and Woody Allen are all in bed with Diane Keaton. Video reigns; that's all.

coming soon to a living room near you

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