USSR Today

The Paper for the People

Parody by Paul Slansky

Sports Final

Biathlon May not happen

No bullets, 4

Chess Dome is being built

Will be big, 4

Large Women

They are very much like men, 4

Fischer: Not invited to Chess Dome

Newsline

This Nation: No plane crashes. The severe weather again grounded all Soviet air traffic yesterday, for the 43rd straight day.

*Popular slogan. The favorite slogan of the Soviet people for 1985, as measured in the sales of T-shirts and stickers for automobile bumpers, was "Lift high the banner of proletarian internationalism." The next most popular was "A wife is not a jug--she will not crack if you hit her a few."

America: Thousands die. Shootings, fires, automobile accidents, things falling off buildings, diseases, stabbings, beatings, poisonous fruits, explosions, and, of course, suicides claimed the lives of thousands yesterday.

Down with Rocky. Riots were reported across the nation as millions of fans stormed out of theaters showing Cobra and demanded their money back. As one customer put it, "This stinks. Sylvester Stallone is a cretin."

Stallone: Not smart

USSR Snapshots

A look at the statistics that shape the nation

Source: The Soviet Bakers Collective

Autumn Edition

Potemkin II Sequel to very old movie, 5

Big Things Ahead Electronics show is open in Moscow, 3

Are You Sad? Take this test and see, 2

Blov: Plays a drunk in new film

Our Lives are Dull

Drinking ourselves senseless is what we like to do

We enjoy getting very drunk more than we like doing anything else, says a government study of Soviet men.

The extremely ambitious survey asked its subjects the favorite thing that they liked to do. This is what it found:

*71 percent of the men said drinking themselves into a stupor.

*24 percent of the men picked beating up their wives.

*5 percent of the men could not think of anything.

Dr. Anatoly Magamodov explained why this is good. "In America, 83 percent of the men said they enjoyed 'shooting people for no reason,' " said Dr. Magamodov. "We are better off here."

There is nothing on his head

Not everybody has good things to say about Mikhail Gorbachev.

The Western press is spreading ugly rumors that his head is disfigured by a large purple birthmark in the shape of an undiscovered continent.

Doctored photographs of him with this deformity appear often in American publications.

Zhenya Popov, the Kremlin barber, says, "I look at his head up close. I would notice if there were some kind of big, splotchy thing up there. Believe me, there is not."

Cover Story

American President Talks with General Secretary

Ronald Reagan, 75, a television and motion-picture performer, became President of the United States on January 20, 1981. He is the oldest man to serve as a U.S. President and the first to call his wife Mommy. During the summit in Geneva last November, he held several private talks with General Secretary Gorbachev. The following are excerpts released by the Politburo.

Gorbachev: You have been one of the toughest-talking Presidents of recent times. You are always going on and on, attacking our wonderful economic system. Do you even know where the Soviet Union is?

Reagan: You mean, could I draw it for you on a map? Probably not; but then, I couldn't draw all 50 states for you, either. I'm still not sure which of those square states is Wyoming and which is Colorado. But that doesn't mean that I can't tell you about them. Some people think I can remember when there were just 13. [Laughs] Please see Cover Story page six.

Cover Story

Continued from page one

Gorbachev: Do you have any plans to visit the Soviet Union? It is the largest country in the world, you know. I would like to invite you.

Reagan: I'm just wondering... I've never been there? You're sure?

Gorbachev: Yes.

Reagan: Well, there's a lot of places I've never been to, and Russia is high on the list. I did see Gorky Park, though.

Gorbachev: What about your trillion-dollar lunacy, Star Wars? Do you really believe such a thing could work?

Reagan: You know, John F. Kennedy sat in a room in 1960 with people who knew nothing about the moon, and told them he wanted a man walking around there in ten years. And they did it in seven. So that should tell you something. Wouldn't you think that would be harder than this?

Gorbachev: Don't you think it's dangerous?

Reagan: Driving to work is dangerous. Eating shellfish is dangerous. And, I might add, invading Afghanistan is dangerous, too. Our freedom is very precious to us, and if we have to spend a trillion dollars, or even a billion dollars, to keep it, well, that's cheap at half the price.

Gorbachev: Your Vice-President, George Bush, has become something of a laughingstock in your country. Will you be supporting him?

Reagan: I can't look that far ahead. Right now, we're just going to keep on doing what we're doing. We'll be concentrating on lowering the national debt and looking for areas where we can provide even more freedom. And forgive me, but I think that's what you should be doing, too.

Gorbachev: What do you think it would take for our two countries to live in peace?

Reagan: Well, for one thing, you could allow your citizens to travel to America and judge for themselves. They could see some of our movies, and then if they didn't want to go back, you wouldn't get mad at them. And vice versa. If any American could sit through one of your movies, I say let him go live there. Imagine if Soviet black children could watch Webster, or if Soviet artists had access to Etch a Sketch. What would it be like if Soviet intellectuals could play Trivial Pursuit, or if Soviet dogs could taste Gravy Train? And we'd like to get more of your animals in our zoos. I've always said that the world's problems come from people talking about each other instead of to each other and, if we could do that, well, we could stop worrying about nuclear war and things of that kind.

Next Time in USSR Today A Look at the 11 Soviet Time Zones

The paper for the people

USSR Today

Parody by Paul Slansky

Our Opinion

Our cheese is coming from other places

The Soviet Union is now importing 62 percent of the cheese it is eating. This is up from 41 percent five years ago. More and more of the lunch and dinner cheese that is found at the center of every Russian table is having to cross a national boundary before it gets there.

This is not to say that there is something wrong with this other cheese. The popular "holed cheese" from Poland is very tasty, as an example. But if the first cheese eaten by our children is not made by our own country, how will we convince them that they should buy anything made by us?

How can a country that sent a man by the moon and back not be producing our own cheese?

If we were short on the raw materials, then we could understand it. But the cheese-making potential for our great country is without limits. The cows are willing. The humans are asleep.

One Line on the News

The G.U.M. department store in Moscow has announced its own five-year plan to hire 20 more cashiers. This is to help reduce the amount of time customers have to wait to pay for their purchases.

That is good news.

Test your feelings

True

False

1. I feel as depressed in the spring and the summer as I do in the fall and the winter.

_____

_____

2. I am eating too much.

_____

_____

3. Sometimes I find myself crying for no reason.

_____

_____

4. I am sleeping more than 16 hours a day.

____

____

For each statement that you answered "true," score one point. If you have more than two points, you may have Sporadic Attitudinal Dysfunction, or SAD.

Dear Babushka

"My wife has gotten her hands on some of these articles about women and their rights. Last night, when I got home from work, if you can believe what I am telling you, she asked me to defrost the vegetables for my dinner. I hit her very hard in the face. Now she has left the home, and I wound up defrosting them, for I had to eat. I am truly mixed up."

Very Confused

If she was asking you to make the entire meal, then maybe you would have a point; but to defrost one course, I think I must side with her. I hope she is not hurt badly.

"I am an 18-year-old girl who is concerned about her virginity. My father has told me that if I sleep with a man, even if I am married to this man, my father will be greatly upset, and he will hit me. I am at the point in my life where I must have sex soon, but I also feel that I must not lie to my father. What should I do?"

Nina Berkovich

You should know that if you tell your father that you have had sex, you will be hit. My father hit me, and the father of my mother hit her. You almost wonder if they love you when they do not.

"My husband tells me I am too fat for him to be sexually interested, and yet to look at him, this remark is laughable. Trust me; he looks like two or three men walking together. Why am I gaining all this weight? Is it glands? Or the fact that we have gravy with everything we eat? It is the gravy, is it not?"

Big Woman

Yes, I am afraid it is. If your husband does not find you sexually attractive, ask him this: Who would find him sexually attractive? Or maybe, reflecting on my other letters, you should not ask him this, for he could hit you and hurt you very much.

Voices from across The USSR/How do you feel about waiting in line?

"I hate waiting. Sometimes I forget what I am waiting for, and yet I am afraid to leave, because it might be something I need. In most cases, it is. Yesterday, I waited for cheese, but it never came."

"It is something that you get used to, like an incurable illness. The good part is, it gives you a good excuse at work. You are always able to say to your boss, 'I was in line. That is the reason I am late.'"

"I am answering this only because I want to see my picture in your newspaper. I have no opinion. My wife hates it, but she is not here. We are divorced. You should ask about divorce. That I have many opinions of."

"I like waiting in line. It is a safe place to gather. Everyone is there with the same purpose. You already have something big in common. For one thing, you're all cold. But there are also other things."

"You will have to wait in line for my answer."

The Paper for the People

USSR Today

Money

Fall 1986

Moneyline

New Service: Do you wonder what we will be running out of next? Will it be tooth paste, or butter, or socks? Now you can be the first one to know, if you call the new service of the Soviet telephone system, Dial-the-Shortage. Unfortunately, there are very few operators working on this, so you should be prepared to wait for a while before your call is answered.

Again, Boris: The Borscht Belt is bringing back its mascot, Boris Beet. Business was down quite a bit since the 12-foot rubber figure was removed from the front of the restaurant. "We were surprised," said Petya Gorodin, the manager. "We thought people were sick of Boris, but they were not. We did not know."

Yuri Welcome: Your parties and other social occasions can be made livelier with the hiring of a Yuri Gagarin look-alike from Cosmonauts for Rent. They have only two, so if you want one, call early.

USSR Snapshots

A look at the statistics that shape your finances

Source: Insane Yuri Electronics

Today's Tip-off

Vil ... a new magazine for followers of Lenin--is coming out soon. The editor, Georgi Kamensky, says the monthly publication will be filled with "everything about Lenin."

Chinese rugs may be ... coming to store number 38 as early as next Thursday. You should hurry, because the line is already six kilometers long, and people who work in the store will probably buy most of the few rugs the store will get.

The Electronics Show is making it big

While the manufacturers of the world are for some reason making smaller and smaller units, the good news from the 1986 Consumer Electronics Show in Moscow is that the latest models are larger and more impressive-looking than ever.

The show, which will run until next week, is shining the spotlight on several new systems. Among the developments are these:

Compact discs. The Gargantua 17K by Granovsky is without a doubt the hugest compact-disc player in the world. After consumers failed to purchase the equally enormous 16K model from last year, the maker has added a significant new feature: wheels. This will allow for easy cleaning behind the unit. It sells for 9000 rubles.

Portable stereos. The Walkmass 2 by Volta is the same as the original Walkmass 1, except for one important difference. It now comes with wheels to make it even more portable; 6500 rubles.

Telephones. Telekom has entered the call-retrieval market with the Message Taker. This is the first answering machine sufficiently large to allow you to keep your telephone inside it instead of on top of it or next to it. The lack of wheels could be a sales negative; 5800 rubles.

The Money best Sellers

These are the top ten industry and agriculture books:

1. "I Was in Line"--The Book of Lateness Excuses, by Igor Yorby

2. Fix Your Tractor in Ten Minutes or Less, by Mikhail Dedko

3. Female Farmer, by Marina Kobov

4. So You Want to Buy an Automobile, by Viktor Maximovich

5. How to Fix Your VCR, by Nikolai Somonov

6. Here Comes Our New Five-Year Plan, by the editors of USSR Today

7. Color Me Brown: The Book of Soviet Soil, by Georgi Bykov

8. The Cabbage Book, by Leonid Leonovov

9. "I Was Hitting My Wife"--The Book of Lateness Excuses, Volume Two, by Igor Yorby

10. More Color Me Brown, by Georgi Bykov Source: Ministry of Industry

Funny business with Ivan

Next time in money: Our Love Affair with Blinis

USSR Today

Sports

Fall 1986

Sportsline

Puck Shortage Threatens the Hockey Season:

An unfortunate manufacturing problem has resulted in the possibility that much of the hockey season for this year will be canceled because of no pucks. The combining of the current rate of usage and the number now on hand makes it seem likely that the games of this weekend will be the last for some time. "The sticks we have," said Georgi Arkadov, a league spokesman. "But without the pucks, they are not worth that much."

Puck: No game without it

Ammunition Shortage Threatens the Biathlon:

Once again, there is a chance that the biathlon will not be held, and the reason is that the military forces are using up the bullets that would normally be used for play. Last year, there also was no biathlon. Bullets were plentiful then, but unfortunately, there were very few skis.

USSR Snapshots

A look at the statistics that shape the nation

Source: Soviet Electrolysis Magazine

Today's Tip-off

A series of ... postage stamps honoring the great domino players of the nation will be issued on October 12. The stamps of shot-put champions that came out last years were all bought in five hours.

Mud Day ... is coming on March 29. Everyone who attends a professional sporting event in the Soviet Union on that day will receive a coupon for a free mud bath at any participating Mud Pit outlet.

Our women are big

And drugs or steroids have nothing to do with it

A new report from the Institute of Physical Culture reveals that the new generation of our female athletes is very much larger than the other women of the world.

And this has been achieved, according to a spokesman, "without the use of drugs or steroids.

"These women are unbelievably large and strong," the spokesman said, "and it is completely natural. They have not been injected with drugs or steroids of any kind.

"Other countries are jealous and upset and so they spread rumors about drugs and steroids--rumors that, I can tell you for sure, are definitely not true.

"Besides, it is not necessary.

"Our women have the strength and size of many men, and they are that way without the use of drugs or steroids."

Building the Chess Dome: Construction has begun on what will be the largest sports stadium in the world, the Chess Dome in Moscow. When it is completely filled, it will hold 500,000 chess fans. The Dome is expected to be ready in 1989, by which time the unfortunate rook, bishop and pawn shortages will most certainly be over.

The Fun House By Andrei

Lists

Chessmaster Gary Gurevich tells the things that make him not want to go back to a restaurant again:

1. Big bugs

2. Slow service

3. No stove

4. Not enough chairs

5. Waiter spits in the soup

Next Time in Sports: Ball Shortage Threatens Soccer Season

USSR Today

Life

Fall 1986

Lifeline

Fist Art: The Fist Museum in Moscow will begin its third annual Revolution Retrospective on May 23. The museum is the largest in the world devoted entirely to paintings, photographs and sculptures of upraised fists. The exhibit is just back from a gallery in San Francisco, where it was received with very much pleasure.

Best-Seller Hoax: By using yet another clever title, author Mikhail Dedko is fooling his fellow citizens again. Last year, Dedko sold hundreds of thousands of copies of a book called Fix Your Tractor in Ten Minutes or Less, which turned out to be only blank pages bound together. Now his new collection of empty pages, This Book Was Dipped in Vodka and If You Lick It, You Will Become Drunk, is about to be published and will surely be on the best-seller list. And Dedko is not stopping. He is working on his next book, Where to Buy an Automobile Tomorrow.

Fist: A popular shape

USSR Snapshots

A look at the statistics that shape our lives

Source: The Ministry of Health

Today's Tip-off

If you like low ceilings ... you are going to be glad, because the Ministry of Housing says that they are getting lower than ever in the homes that are being built now.

Fans of Trud, the ... Soviet trade-union newspaper, should be on the lookout for the documentary "This is Trud." This riveting inside look is six hours long and it will be on television this fall. It may even be in color.

Television

Evening Highlights Movie: 20-Hour Day, 6:30 P.M. A heart-wrenching portrait of a divorced young woman who gives birth to an emotionally disturbed child in the gutter, a scene that is especially graphic. She then raises her son while holding down two jobs and getting involved romantically with a man who beats her--beatings that are particularly graphic. Katrina Kiev has never been better.

Great Parades, 11:15 P.M. A rebroadcast of the 1982 May Day Parade.

Tomorrow MorningI Am Russian, I Am Up, 6:30 A.M. Yelena Badlovich shows exercises to lose weight in the neck. Georgi Dolgikh talks about his play Comrade Hello. Jew Sidney Abramovich shows how to hide a talis, as described in his new book, Assimilate and Live.

Korchnoi's Complaints

Club me on the head for asking, but why should our condoms be thicker than the soles of our shoes?... Give me diphtheria for wondering, but are they really trying to tell us that Raisa Gorbachev is good-looking? ... Blind me for thinking this, but would it not be a good idea to use anesthetics on women who are giving birth? ... Set fire to my shirt for pointing this out, but is it not infuriating when you go into a restaurant and order something and they tell you they do not have it, and then you order something else and they do not have that, either, or the next thing you order?... Crush my fingers with boulders if I am offending you, but does Igor Blov ever truly make you laugh?... Feed me to the sharks for doubting this, but does it not seem unlikely that the body of Lenin could have been preserved for more than 60 years?

Editor's Note: Lyosha Korchnoi, 27, died last night of natural causes. This is his final column.

And In America: Americans are escaping from their terrible country every day, and they are obviously very happy when they arrive in the Soviet Union

The Screening Room

Ratings: ****excellent, ***good, **fair, *poor

Embargo!: Have you ever wondered what would happen if the madmen in America decided to close off the Bering Strait? According to director Oskar Aleksandr, what would happen is that there would be a nuclear war. The final holocaust may be a bit too intense for younger viewers. [rating]2 Stars[/rating]

He Is Here to Hurt You--Part 3: Are you ready to be scared again? Pavel Voronov is back, and this time he is a quadriplegic American veteran bitter about the injuries he received in the stupid and obscene Vietnam war. He gets so mad that he decides to kill his entire high school graduating class. Somehow these keep getting better and better. [rating]4 Stars[/rating]

In Minsk They Weep Openly: A disturbing look at a trio of aging women who move to Minsk and get jobs in a tractor factory. Disturbing. [rating]3 Stars[/rating]

Police Academy: A serious look at the decrepit state of law enforcement in America. There are very serious documentary glimpses of how the men are actually trained. With Steve Guttenberg. [rating]3-1/2 Stars[/rating]

Potemkin II: A sequel to the 1925 Eisenstein classic. This generally inferior comedy stars Bluk and Blov as a pair of inebriated seamen who get into all kinds of adventures on their weekend ashore. The 12-car pile-up on the Odessa steps, coming as it does after the bathroom food fight, is a small gem, though. [rating]2 Stars[/rating]

Next Time in life: The Boris Spassky Workout

Weather Map

How to use this Map

The color key at the right shows the range of temperatures on the big map. the numbers below the names of the cities are the highs and lows forecast for today.

Colored Temperature Key

Below 10 10s 20s 30s 40s 50s 1000s

We are cold again

The weather pattern of the last several weeks in the Soviet Union seems certain to stay on for the next several.

What this means is:

• More record low temperatures in the eastern half of the nation.

• More record low temperatures in the western half of the nation.

• More record snowfalls across the nation.

"This is a good time of year for indoor activities," said Dr. Petya Alyonya of Moscow University. "If people stay in their homes, their chances of surviving are that much greater."

At least 412 record lows were broken or tied yesterday, and the new record of 26 straight days with almost no city in the nation having a temperature above zero.

"I love this," said farmer Ilyich Kharpov. "I hope summer never comes."

Classified across the USSR

Personal Ads

Hi, Beautiful! How about a homely, short and fat man for you (64 inches, 260 pounds)? It will take a special woman. Are you she? Dmitri, USSR Today, Box 33.

Always Tired, overweight woman with asthma looking for a soul mate. You must hate sports. I am not interested in Jews. Write to Yekaterina, USSR Today, Box 26.

Incarcerated Male is seeking a female to marry upon my release from prison in three years. I am taking applications. Box 324, Leningrad Prison. No smokers, please.

Nadia: I hope you are having a good time with my best friend. I am slitting open my wrist and writing this in blood. Anatoly.

To My Furry Face: I am taking this space to let you know that on a date we should go. We will eat food and see a show, so please say yes and do not say no. Love, Vasily.

Idiot In Apartment 57: Turn that noise down! Apartment 47.

Svetlana: Caviar for dinner and then a Bluk and Blov film. What a fine way to spend an evening. We must do it again very soon. Y.P.

Young Doctor is looking for a nurse who can take a great deal of stress. I yell, but I do not hit. Must have low blood pressure. Doctor Gagarov, USSR Today, Box 9.

I Miss Andropov. I have five of his autographs and will trade four of them for something he wore. Reply to: Box 3586, Bobruisk.

I Have A three-room apartment. Also, an automobile. Will you sleep with me? Alexei, USSR Today, Box 214.

To The Mystery Woman: I was marching in the parade in Red Square in 1982 and you looked at me. I am the one with the tuba. You had a large purse. I will check the box every day. USSR Today, Box 83.

I Want To defect. Of course, I am unable to give my address, but look at everyone. You will see it in my face. N.B. (Not my real initials.) (Not mailed by me, either.)