Dudes

This is dedicated to Dudes--the followers of Dudeism. Dudeism is the philosophy of those who live in harmony with the great universal cool; from which all things flow and to which they return once they have cruised around their groove in the world.

Dudeism, or the way of the Dudeist, is the purest expression of universal cool. Walking, talking, even standing still, the Dude is cool. Everyone has known a Dude. The first kid in kindergarten to wear long pants, ride his tricycle down the slide and write his name by peeing on the alley wall was a young Dude. In high school, the Dude always came late to class, sat in the back balancing his chair on one leg while striving to carve the perfect pair of breasts on his desk with a Bic pen and passed.

A Dude manages to arrive at the party just as it's peaking, somehow giving the impression that things pick up when he walks in the door. He gracefully rescues an attractive woman from a Dull conversation with a guy who has one long eyebrow and a pinkie ring. Together, they quietly split the party before the keg starts pumping foam.

Those who don't have the snap, crackle or courage to hang with universal cool must live out their lives in the dark realm of the Dull, condemned to being punched by time clocks, wearing discount clothes and slowly dying of food poisoning from eating the soggy Goldfish crackers in third-rate discos and other singles' holding tanks.

But to contemplate the miserable is to strain the eyes, and Dudes aren't into strain. So slip on your shades and let's cop some golden rays of universal cool and see what's happening!

Thermodynamics of Cool

Cool is directly proportional to the amount of pressure. The greater the pressure, the cooler the Dude. In situations of extreme pressure, a Dude drops from cool to cold. As in the following conversation:

A: He's a cold Dude, chilled out.

B: Very chilly--a frosty Dude.

A: Absolutely. The Dude's subzero, packing major ice--he could've dropped the Titanic.

B: He's way North, totally polar--I mean, capped.

When a really cold Dude dies, it is said that he "sleeps with the Eskimos."

Frostbite is what happens when a Dude puts a dull jerk in his place with a few righteous remarks.

Posture

The early Dudeists were often ridiculed and ostracized for their casual slouch--a posture utilized for sustained contemplation or just hanging out. Frequent finger combing of the hair has always been used by Dudeists to stimulate thought. Spontaneous dancing, with or without music, is essential to keep the attitude loose and to prevent the Dull from entering the body.

In addition to body language, the Dude maintains a constant state of verbal alertness. He's never at a loss for a bizarre association, such as "Her hair was babooning down her back."

As always, the important thing is to eliminate the Dull. But--and this is very important--the Dude knows that too much of anything can become Dull. That includes being cool, so a Dude will occasionally make some intentional blunder that endears him to others.

Dudes and Sex

"A dude kisses slow."

--Kathy, waitress at the Troubador

Dudes are very advanced sexually. They don't talk about sex, they do it--though they enjoy talking about it while they're doing it.

At 13, the curious Dude has already skimmed the Kama Sutra, scoped The Joy of Sex and purchased large quantities of tinted rubbers from the neighborhood filling station. But as a man, he comes to appreciate the basics: He knows that no amount of acrobatics, batteries or chemical stimulants can replace a good kiss and a deftly controlled missionary position. However, a little leather is OK--the Dude has been known to keep his boots on.

Dudes see sex as a dance, not a race--finishing first doesn't mean you've won.

A Few Highlights from the History of the Dude

Prehistoric: Fire was discovered by a Dude when he lighted his cigarette. Later that day, he discovered oil for the wheel.

The Dark Ages: A very dull time for Dudes. The plague and the Inquisition--too much pain and too many questions. Most Dudes headed for the Bahamas.

The discovery of America: Columbus establishes cruising as a viable profession.

America the free: The British split, the slaves are freed, reggae hits the charts.

Turn of the century: Henry Ford, tired of Dudes' borrowing his car, mass-produces the Model T.

World War Two: Combat boots really catch on.

The Fifties: Rock-'n'-roll years. Elvis, Brando and Dean consecrate blue jeans and grease.

Special mention--Walt Laggard: Little is known about this early American Dude, who invented the Laggard Leisure Shoe, which eventually became the loafer--a major step for Dudeism.

Dude Dreams

Dudes rarely talk about it, but occasionally they will have a bad dream. These dreams were studied by a group of very Dude psychologists. Here are two typical Dude bad dreams:

It is a rock-'n'-roll concert. The audience is eager, clapping for the show to begin. The Dude is backstage, letting the tension build. As it peaks, he grabs the mike, screams and leaps on stage only to discover that instead of legs, he has little wheels--and they squeak.

A Dude is on his Harley, fighting his way up the north face of Mount Everest. It hasn't been easy. He squeezed his last beer 12 miles back. The sky clears and he can see the peak up ahead. With the last of his strength, he pops a wheelie and conquers the summit. There he finds his mother sitting in a rocking chair, surrounded by a news crew. Suddenly, the Dude realizes he's only three months old and his diapers need changing. As his mother cleans him up, he can't help noticing that he's not a boy at all--he's a TV dinner.

The Weirdest Dude Dream

A Dude is sitting across the table from Meryl Streep. It hasn't been easy. Even hanging a spoon from the end of his nose has failed to get a laugh from her. Suddenly, just as the chocolate soufflé arrives, Meryl drops her napkin and goes into labor. The waiter politely ignores this and asks if they would like a dollop of whipped cream. The Dude hurls the table aside and leaps to her aid. He can't believe his eyes--she's turned into Indira Gandhi. The baby pops out, wearing a suit and clutching a piece of chalk. It's Mr. Springer, the Dude's eighth-grade English teacher.

Situations

The Dude always seems to be able to get away with things that other people simply don't have the imagination to deal with.

At a party, an obviously inebriated girl asks the Dude if he will walk her home. The Dude complies. However, halfway down the block, he notices that her panties are falling down around her knees. Which of the following does the Dude do?

A. He does his best to ignore them.

B. He pulls them up for her.

C. He pulls them down for her.

D. He removes his underwear and offers to trade with her.

E. He turns himself in to the police.

The Dude asks a girl to dance and she declines:

A. "It's all right--I won't make fun of the way you dance."

B. "Yeah, I never accept charity, either."

C. "I guess I have to give that money back to your dad."

D. "Shit! Now who am I gonna cast in my movie?"

E. "Oh, well, another lonely night on the yacht."

F. "What is it with us Kennedys?"

Dudes know the answers. If you're not one, ask one.

Valley Dudes Talk about it

"Quota on the madness, Dude. Let's kick back and scope some random nasties."

"These bitches are too legal, Dude. Screen that growth she's hanging with."

"Lunar eyes and rocket tits."

"Absolutely worthy."

"I'm popping a chubby."

"Let's pound another brewsky."

The Dude Apartment

No Con-Tact paper or wallpaper with floral prints, recipes or fuzz.

No clear-plastic paperweights with some poor creature embedded in them.

No hotel towels or empty imported-beer bottles as decorator items.

Anything black.

Nothing that is supposed to look like something other than what it really is--plastic wood, for instance. A real dead tree is better than a plastic "live" one. The one exception is large fake boulders--there's just something about them.

Futons are cool. Almost anything Japanese except hara-kiri is cool--but, then again, if things get really dull....

Dimmer switches on everything, including the television.

Stereo, of course--anything from 300-watt public-address speakers hooked up to a Sony Walkman to a fierce little ghetto blaster splattered with paint.

Dudes living alone tend to fall down a little in the refrigerator department. It is customary when visiting a fellow Dude to immediately check out his fridge. The contents can range from a half-eaten pizza to a forlorn beer and a 12-volt car battery.

Dude Duds

• Faded jeans (of course)

• Anything black except for garters

• Leather jacket (never suede and never fake)

• White T-shirt (with no stupid sayings)

• Old boots, cowboy boots, rubber boots, motorcycle boots, work boots, climbing boots, steel-toed boots, combat boots, ski boots, lead boots, snake boots, hunting boots, ice boots, fire boots, space boots, flood boots, fallout boots, wood boots, skunk boots, beer boots

• Sunglasses

The Right Attitude--The Dude-Itude

The following make up the Dude-itude, or the attitude of the Dude.

1. By all means and under all circumstances--remain cool.

2. Take shit from no man, woman, child or small mammal (this can also apply to appliances, vehicles and plants).

3. Never wear a jogging suit.

4. Eliminate the Dull wherever it is found.

5. Never cause gridlock.

6. Always carry sunglasses.

7. Avoid winter.

Take shit from no man, woman, child or small mammal

--from the Dude-Itude

Dude List

Norman Mailer's a literary Dude. Dan Rather's a news Dude. Richard Pryor's a black Dude. Jerry Lee Lewis is a killer Dude. Prince is not a Dude--he's something else. Mel Brooks and Woody Allen are gefilte-fish Dudes. Sam Shepard is a righteous Dude. Van Gogh was a crazy Dude. Bruce Springsteen is a married Dude. Billie Jean King is very close.

If you're gonna stay cool, you gotta put something down--you gotta make some jive. Don't ya know what I'm talkin' about?

--Marlon Brando, The Wild One

Marlon Brando

In The Wild One, he was a biker Dude.

In On the Waterfront, he was a street-fightin' Dude.

In Last Tango in Paris, he was a sexy Dude.

In Apocalypse Now, he was a fat Dude.

Dudes and marriage: It happens. Why? Because there are Dude-ettes in the world.

The Dude-Ette

She's got it down. The knack. The way. How to talk and what to say. How to hang and when to split. Her clothes are right--the perfect fit. She's happening now, a sure shot, a steady gaze; she's up to the minute and in on the craze.

Dude-Ettes

Cyndi Lauper Annie Lennox Marilyn Chambers Sigourney Weaver Olive Oyl

© 1986 King Features Syndicate, Inc.

Dude Words

Metal, blue ruin, later, pistons, go, packed, state of the art, juxtaposed, matt, alternative action, glandular mode, really?, serious, postpunk, beat, fully loaded, way gone, Beta, CD, EP, Bullet Naff, swell, zoned, apocalyptic, de-struct-o, stuccoed, shranked, killer, shark attack, chowder, cactus eyes, shooters, flake, spicy, orgasmic, hyper, totally fucked, severely fucked, way fucked, slam fucked, refucked, reptile, nasty, man overboard, industrial salsa, techno-pop, automatic pilot, cruise control, jet trash, rain dog, beast, hog, horrorshow, thrashed, anal, righteous, bitin', bashed, ghetto breath, lizard, spanked, spanky, spank action, horrendous, abso-fuckinlutely, blah, blah, blah....

The idea is to have a ball.--Marlon Brando, The Wild One