An Unforgettable, Incredible Year in Sex

Rear in Sex

On June 30, 1986, the United States Supreme Court, in a 5-4 decision, upheld laws making sodomy illegal in Georgia:

"To hold that the act of homosexual sodomy is somehow protected as a fundamental right would be to cast aside a millennia [sic] of moral leaching."--Chief Justice Warren E. Burger

"I applaud the decision...it has issued a clear statement that perverted moral behavior is not accepted practice in this country."--The Reverend Jerry Falwell

"This was a gratuitous and petty ruling, an offense to American society's maturing standards of individual dignity."--New York Times editorial

"Isn't it a violation of the Georgia sodomy law for the Supreme Court to have its head up its ass?"--Playboy reader John Burt

First off the Bench.... Boulder, Colorado, women carrying cameras and binoculars and wearing T-shirts that read sodomy patrol wandered through a shopping mall looking for "unlawful sexual behavior." They were joking.

On the lighter side of rears....

Let's See--Does That Make It a Cannes-Can? Dutch designer J.J. Van Hartesveldt introduced his rump-hugging bikini bottom at the Cannes Film Festival.

Then back to the heavier side.... Princess Fergie weighed in with the most ample bottom in recent royal history.

Year in Text

Sydney Biddle Barrows' Mayflower Madam: "Whenever a girl returned from seeing a new client, her description of him was entered in our client log.... Contrary to some of the press reports alter we were busted, there was no mention on these records of the client's sexual preferences, although if the man was very well endowed, we would note this fact with the code LP."

Jackie Collins' Hollywood Husbands: "She had the tight, compact body of a teenager. Taut breasts, firm thighs...and a flat stomach. She enjoyed sex with a gusto he was unused to...Other women talked dirty just for effect. When Silver said, 'Fuck me hard, Wes,' she meant it. And he did it. And they both got off on it."

Airing Sex

Ruthless People: The Dr. Pepper company canned Dr. Ruth Westheimer as its spokesperson reportedly under pressure from the National Federation for Decency.

Move Over, Dr. Ruth: Phyllis Levy, a talk-show sex therapist on Chicago's WLS Radio, addressed such subjects as "being caught while doing it," "making noise while doing it," "being attracted to a German shepherd, " "golden showers" and masturbating to Levy's picture. As for the show's musical format, Levy played such chart busters as Don't Use Your Penis for a Brain and Please Warm My Wiener.

Year Books in Sex

At Brown: Shortly after a prostitution-ring scandal shook Brown University, a group of Brown women published Positions, a "feminist pornography journal" intended to "allow women to consume pornography in a nonalienated state."

And at Yale: In response to Playboy's Women of the Ivy League Revisited pictorial (October), a group of Yale women rallied ladies from seven of the eight Ivies and put out their own version under the same title.

Year in Jokes

Guy walks into a parrot shop....

Year in Jocks

When the Chicago Cubs fired ball girl Maria Collins for appearing in Playboy, the Chicago Tribune's Mike Royko put major-league baseball's cardinal sins in perspective: "A second chance? If that girl had wanted a second chance, she should have kept her pants on and sniffed coke instead."

Double-D, Meet Triple-A: Morganna, baseball's Kissing Bandit, bought into the Blue Sox, a minor-league team in Utica, New York. And singer/actress Pia Zadora became part owner of the Portland Beavers.

Cheer in sex (III)

Yet another picture we feel we ought to publish, this one for the sake of international good will: two topless French women sailing their raft down the Côte d'Azur, serving ice cream to passing yachtsmen.

Yawn in sex

Put Your Hand over Your----Oh, Never Mind: It was reported in Omni that four psychiatric patients taking the antidepressant Anafranil experienced orgasm whenever they yawned. The patients--two men and two women--responded in various ways: One of the women complained of experiencing sexual urges she couldn't resist, while the men spoke of having to "continuously wear a condom" and/or "lie down for ten to 15 minutes after each yawn."

Meanwhile, the advertising firm D'Arcy, Masius, Benton & Bowles surveyed more than 1500 people across the U.S. and concluded that both men and women get more pleasure and satisfaction from TV than from sex. Also-rans included marriage, money, children, sports, liquor, friends, helping others and reading. Religion rated among the last.

No Sex

Longest Tease:Moon-lighting's Maddie (Cybill Shepherd) and David (Bruce Willis) still haven't done it.

Sex in Jest

Joan Rivers sued this fellow for impersonating her. The judge said he could but that he couldn't use her material.

Year in Chests

Women on Japanese TV weighing their breasts. We're not sure why.

Year in Scents

And as for All Those Fragrance Ads.... An ad for Perry Ellis, which some magazines refused to run, included the phrase "my best f-------you smile." In an ad for Paco Rabanne, a woman calls a man who's just left her bed to tell him that his secret tattoo is safe with her--and that he smelled good. As for Calvin Klein, he had the usual censorship problems due to his interesting yearly Obsessions.

Year in Tents

Qaddafi, Kaddafi, Kadaffi, Gaddafi--Let's Call the Whole Thing Off: Not content with the Government's disinformation campaign, an often somewhat accurate New York daily issued a report that Muammar el-Qaddafi was hiding in his tent after last April's Tripoli bombing and was dressed as a woman. Under the headline "Khadafy Goes Daffy," was an artist's rendering of what he may have looked like--complete with beauty mark.

Year in...Uh, Twice?

Why We Believe in Sex Ed, Part Two: Hal Warden, a 15-year-old Nashville boy, impregnated and married a 14-year-old girl, having impregnated, married and divorced another girl several years ago. Says the mother of his second wife, "He's just a little spoiled brat that thinks he should get everything he wants--women or anything." Says Warden about his second wife's present condition, "I didn't think it could happen two times."

Year in mice

A Redondo Beach, California, man was arrested for getting fresh with Minnie Mouse at Disneyland. Why? Because he liked her.

Year in Moose

A moose kept putting the moves on a reluctant cow at a central Vermont farm, drawing ogling crowds of up to 4000. Asked why the moose was so smitten, the Hereford's owner replied, "She is very good-looking

Year in Meese

Busy, busy. You may remember that Attorney General Edwin Meese had said that anyone in custody was probably guilty; then he backed up his porn commission's more crazed conclusions, then pronounced the Supreme Court not the final law of the of the land; and finished his year by calling on citizens to help the war on drugs by spying on people in; locker rooms. So how does a busy guy take a break? By attending a local theater, where a revue was staged that ridiculed the porn commission and featured singing "Meeseketeers." During the finale, a finger-wagging Big Ed trotted out on stage and covered up a replica of the Washington Monument that the troupe had just unveiled. Now, wasn't that fun?

© Universal Press Syndicate, Reprinted with permission. All Rights reserved

Fear in Sex

Valid Research, but Not a Great Title for a Novel: A few years ago, when Glamour conducted a telephone poll on what women worry about most, war and peace was the most popular answer. This year, AIDS and herpes came in first in the poll.

This Is Getting Serious: Dominatrix Lady Lia on how the AIDS scare affects her life: "I used to go in for a little body worship--let somebody kiss my body. Now I allow them to kiss my leather, if at all."

Cheer in Sex (I)

On the other hand, here is a picture of naked bar belles at the Café Luxembourg in New York. We feel an obligation to publish this kind of picture.

Ear in Sex

On the musical front...A-Wop-Bop-a-Loo-Bop.... Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart, whose first cousin is Jerry Lee Lewis, launched a crusade against "pornographic" rock music, which he called a more destructive force than "drug addiction, venereal disease, homosexuality, you name it." Attacking such M.O.R. performers as Elton John and Bruce Springsteen, Swaggart said, "I don't listen to this music--I'm not in the torture business--but people in the organization dolisten to it, for research, and give me print-outs."

A-Wop-Bam.... A San Antonio ordinance was passed prohibiting unaccompanied children under the age of 14 from attending musical, stage or theatrical shows considered to be "obscene." Championing the new law is mayor Henry Cisneros, a Democrat, who refers to some rock concert-goers as "young people going to the altar to testify for Satan."

Boom. California State U sociology professors Jill Rosenbaum and Lorraine Prinsky subjected more than 250 teenagers to more than 650 songs and concluded that rock lyrics aren't damaging to teens because teens don't listen to them.

Eerie Sex

Let's Go for a Spin: Now there's the Sex Basket, a $219.95 sex toy that originated in Oriental bordellos. The woman sits in the furry seat while the man, lying underneath, enters her through the hole in the bottom.

Irani Sex

The speaker of the Iranian parliament said in 1986 that there really is a difference between the sexes: Women's brains are smaller.

Year in Specs

What About Pulling the Tags off Mattresses? In a "Sin Poll" conducted by People, living together without marriage was rated as sinful as capital punishment, tattling rated worse than both of them and cutting in front of someone in line was worse than all three.

Why We Believe in Sex Ed, Part One: Johns Hopkins University conducted a three-year study of 3400 teenaged Baltimore girls in which half were given extensive sex education (complete with contraception and "values clarification" courses) and half were not. The results: The half with extensive sex ed lost their virginity after their 16th birthday and showed a 30 percent drop in pregnancies; the other half (with only Maryland schools' basic sex education) lost their virginity before their 16th birthday and experienced a 57 percent increase in pregnancies.

Cheer in Sex (II)

You Didn't Think We Were Going to Get Through One of These Features Without Publishing at Least One Nudist Picture, Did You? Nudes-a-Poppin' II, Pon-derosa Sun Club.

Year Insect

Love Bug: Jeff Goldblum, as The Fly.

Year Infect

In a New York Times piece called "Is Sex Necessary?" scientists questioned the evolutionary need for sex, suggesting that the male may have originated as "parasitic DNA" and that sex was actually just "a form of disease that animals and plants have learned to adapt to."

Year in Sects

In an action reminiscent of the 1925 Scopes trial, Tennessee fundamentalist Christians battled the Hawkins County schools in court, claiming that textbooks elevate man at the expense of God. Chief plaintiff Vicki Frost claimed that, in one book, a picture of a girl reading and a boy making toast represented a reversal of traditional sex roles.

Vay is Mir in Sex

Israeli Jewish fundamentalists fought secular Jews over bus-shelter posters that featured scantily dressed women. Calling the ads "the Devil's work," the Orthodox faction torched more than 100 shelters, destroying swimwear billboards and sparing only posters for such products as mayonnaise and dog food. In retaliation, the secular Jews torched an Orthodox synagogue.

Jeers in Sex

Another Reason This Has Been an Incredible Year: Thirty students at California State University formed an antisex league. They're not a religious group, they say; they just believe that "sex is a waste of time...one of the stupidest things we do."

And as a Coup de' Grâce.... The U.S. Labor Department ruled that the Government will no longer compensate workers who lose "nonproductive" body parts in the line of duty. The penis was included.

Sheer in Sex

Spicy ad for Gueriain

Sheers in Sex

Rotten movie idea.

Skiers in Sex

Splash: The same thinking that leads us to publish nudist pictures.

Year in Quotes

A Reagan aide, after a suggestion by Pat Buchanan that Playboy be banned from military PXs: "That would certainly do wonders for our recruitment program."

Pasadena Superior Court judge Gilbert Alston, dismissing a prostitute's rape case: "The law was set up to protect good people.... A whore is a whore is a whore."

White House Chief of Stall' Donald Regan on women's understanding of summit topics: They don't understand "what's happening in Afghanistan.... Most women would rather read the human-interest stud." On women's understanding of sanctions against South Africa: "Are the women of America prepared to give up all their jewelry?"

Jerry Lewis, panned by a female movie critic: "You can't accept one individual's [opinion], particularly if it's female.... When they get a period, it's really difficult for them to function as human beings."

Radical feminist Andrea Dworkin, who denounces depictions of explicit sex, on why the graphic sex scenes in her novel Ice & Fire aren't obscene: "The reason this book isn't pornography simply has to do with my skill as a writer. Pure and simple."

Year in Votes

Mr. Vice-President, You Have Three Minutes for Your Response: Ex-stripper Venus DeMilo announced her candidacy for the L.A. Board of Supervisors. Boasting that as a stripper, she was "the best," DeMilo insisted she was serious about her political endeavors: "I don't take no lightly, and I don't beat around the bush."

Norma Jean Almodovar--a former L.A. traffic cop who was convicted in 1984 on callgirl charges involving another female officer--ran for California lieutenant governor on the Libertarian ticket. She launched her campaign with a poster of her wearing a bathing suit and boxing gloves. "We need some tits in Sacramento," she said. "We already have the asses."

© Reprinted with permission of Chicago Sun-Times Inc., 1986