Beach Ball!

The joys of summer. String bikinis, as flimsy as dental floss, on lean ladies' loins. The sound of The Beach Boys, vintage and today. The tactile sensation of oil on skin tanned to a supple mocha. Need we say more? The surf is up, the sun is high, we're heading for the beach and you're coming along. There'll be plenty of beach noise, because we'll tell you how to create the ultimate beach tape. We've got the perfect drink and lots of beach toys, including a surf-rider's-eye view of the brand-new Kawasaki Jet Ski 650SX. And pages of beach girls--who prove, once and for all, that less bathing suit definitely means more fun. Speaking of less suit, there's even a guide to the world's best nudist beaches. Come on in. The water's fine!

Summer's Joys & Toys

from a boss a.t.v. to a glass-bottom boat, here's the best of gadgets for gidgets

Beach Gear has come a long way since Gidget and Moondoggie played kissy-face on the back of a surfboard and all you needed to get by at the beach was a blanket and a bottle of Coppertone. Today's beach toys take you down to the seashore and into the surf. Float on a sea of tranquillity or charge through an ocean of motion. It's your choice. On land, you can kick back beachside under a colorful umbrella or cruise the dunes in four-wheel drive. On sea, you're adrift in a glass-bottom boat, way down below with fins and mask, speed sailing on a sleek sailboard or just plain goin' fast on a powerful Kawasaki Jet Ski. Any way you choose to play, a trip to the beach can fulfill those idle dreams of tropic isles, warm trade winds and willing partners--or a resort where the action is fast and the fun is hot.

Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Beaches

How it Pays to Save Lives

Think a lifeguard has the ultimate cushy job--perch in the sun and flex the pecs for lovelorn admirers? Think again. Any major-league lifeguard squad, such as Oahu's, requires Red Cross certification just to fill out an application. Next comes competitive performance tests--running, swimming, surfboard paddling. And all this merely qualifies you for the 100-hour training program. Here are typical lifeguard pay scales: Waikiki Beach, Oahu: Full-time pay is $1300 a month and up. Hotel del Coronado, San Diego: Pool attendants earn $3.45 to $6 an hour. California state beaches: $1764 to $3345 a month. Chicago employs more lifeguards (1000) than any other city, county or state. Wages are $6.10 per hour. New York City, including Coney Island, pays about $52 to $63 a day, depending on seniority. The pay at hotels near Walt Disney World is Mickey Mouse--$5 to $7 an hour--and no free rides.

The fusion of youth, sunshine, cinema and sandy stretches of ocean-front real estate became a certifiable film genre circa 1963, when a movie titled Beach Party caught the attention of teenaged America like the snap of a string bikini. So brace yourself--because Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon are now back as somebody's mom and dad in Back to the Beach. Awesome? Thank God there's more to such flicks than initially meets the roving eye. Letting my mind wander back to all the beaches and sons of beaches ever devised by movieland, I'd pick the following bests in alphabetical order.

1. Beach Blanket Bingo (1965): The fifth and generally hailed as the maximal boy Frankie--meets--girl Annette clambake. With young Linda Evans as a bonus beauty.

2. The Blue Lagoon (1980): More than slightly idiotic but lush. Brooke Shields, on an atoll with Christopher Atkins, starts growing up under the appreciative eye of a great cinematographer, Nestor Almendros.

3. The Endless Summer (1966): Bruce Brown circled the globe in search of the perfect wave and came home with the definitive documentary about surfing.

4. From Here to Eternity (1953): Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster, writhing in that orgasmic Hawaiian surf, created what may be the lustiest, most imitated beach boff in screen history.

5. Fun in Acapulco (1963): Presley as a singing lifeguard certainly earns his keep--and the splendid scenery flung up around him includes Ursula Andress.

6. Jaws (1975): Seaside suspense from Steven Spielberg that knocked everyone's socks off. I recommend this despite the fact that the ugly brute offshore was unofficially known as Bruce.

7. Lifeguard (1976): Sam Elliott starred in a new breed of surf movie as a guy who'd rather catch rays than join the rat-race.

8. Pauline at the Beach (1983): Eric Rohmer's rather wordy, witty essay on summer romance is equally easy on mind and eye.

9. Swept Away by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August (1975): Mariangela Melato, as a snooty rich bitch, and Giancarlo Giannini, as a Commie deck hand, are marooned on a desert island-- where they combine class war with the battle of the sexes to generate some singular heat.

10. Where the Boys Are (1960): Connie Francis' movie debut isn't enough reason for this to make the list, but there's got to be a spring-break romp set in Fort Lauderdale on this list somewhere. Forget the 1984 remake, which should have been washed out to sea.

Of Palms and Paradise

Top Beach Resorts: Caneel Bay (St. John, U.S.): A 170-acre peninsula surrounded by a national park offers privacy and luxury--a beautiful setting that attracts the famous.

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Boca Raton Hotel & Club (Boca Raton, Florida): Accommodations ranging from tower suites to private golf villas. Top service.

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El San Juan Hotel & Casino (Puerto Rico): Following a recent $40,000,000 renovation, El San Juan now offers 392 luxurious rooms (some with private Jacuzzis), night clubs, gambling, wonderful restaurants and a great beach. The poolside bar is open 24 hours and El San Juan is only a short cab ride from the airport.

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The Half Moon Club (Montego Bay, Jamaica): Choose a room decorated with Jamaican antiques--or a private villa. Then choose your sport: golf, tennis, squash, horseback riding, scuba and much more. Half Moon has them all, plus the ambience of a private Caribbean beach club.

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Hôtel du Cap (Antibes, France): The princely Hôtel du Cap is one of the landing strips for the international jet set. No wonder--there are three attentive staff members to every one guest.

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Westin Mauna Kea (Kohala, Hawaii): Located on the big island at the foot of an extinct volcano. Broad, delightful beach. Championship Robert Jones golf course and 13-court tennis park.

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Tahara'a (Tahiti): All rooms have terraces overlooking Matavai Bay and its black-sand beach. A real getaway.

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Windermere Island Club (Eleuthera, Bahamas): A resort for royalty--Hollywood or titled. The beach is five miles long, private houses are available and emphasis is on quiet.

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Oberoi (Bali): Modeled on a Balinese village, it boasts 34 acres of gorgeous beach, beautiful gardens, villas and sumptuous suites in charming thatched-roof guest cottages. A not-so-primitive paradise to try.

The Best Nude Beaches in the World

The monopoly Europe once held on hassle-free nude beaches has been broken; aficionados can now enjoy carefree suitless bathing almost everywhere. Here are some of the top spots to go without.

Black's Beach, San Diego, California: Access is via steep cliffs, adjacent Torrey Pines State Beach or Lajolla. A collegiate crowd.

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Ferradurinha Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: Favored by the rich and famous, with crazy weekend night life.

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Wreck Beach, Vancouver, British Columbia: Play a banjo or toss volleyballs. No services, but the view is great.

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Ansebourdel Beach, Guadeloupe: A white strand backed by lawns and palms. Adjacent to Club Med Caravelle.

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Negril, Jamaica: Several miles of nude bathing on the island's western tip.

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Orient Bay Beach, Saint Martin: A spectacular mile of white sand protected by a reef.

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Lady Jane Beach, Sydney, Australia: Tops in the city called Australia's nude-beach capital.

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Agua Blanca Beach, Ibiza, Spain: Perennially sunny mother of the nude beaches.

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Paradise Beach, Mykonos, Greece: Plays host to jet setters in the buff. Accessible by fishing boat from town.

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Cap d'Agde, France: A totally nude city, where you can swim, bask, bank or shop totally in the buff.

Far-Flung Frisbee Facts

Can you imagine a beach without a Frisbee? No flingers flinging. No catchers catching. No aerodynamic discs skimming just above the water line or sailing past the girl on the blanket. Unthinkable? Here are some far-flung facts for the record.

1. Longest outdoor throw: 550.8 feet, by Frank Aguilera of La Puente, California, February 4, 1984.

2. Longest two-person game: 110 hours, 40 minutes, between Jamie Knerr and Keith Biery, Allentown, Pennsylvania, August 23-27, 1981.

3. Group marathon record: 1198 hours, Prince George's Community College Flying High Club, Largo, Maryland, June 1--July 21, 1981.

4. Record for canine run and catch: Black Labrador Martha Faye, 334.6 feet, June 11, 1978, Wilmette, Illinois.

5. First intercollegiate Frisbee game: Rutgers vs. Princeton, 1972.

6. Record for keeping a flying disc aloft: 16.72 seconds, by Don Cain, East Brunswick, New Jersey, May 26, 1984.

7. Fastest disc toss terminating in a clean catch: 74 miles per hour, by Alan Bonopane to Tim Selinske, San Marino, California, August 25, 1980.

8. Most discs in air at one time: 1572 discs thrown by 1572 people in Washington, D.C., August 31, 1986.

9. World's three top Frisbee beaches (world-champion free-stylers practice there): Palm Park in Santa Barbara, Venice Beach in Los Angeles and La Jolla Cove in San Diego.

10. Top tournament: U.S. Open Flying Disc Championship, La Mirada, California; $40,000 cash purse, annually in June.

Best Surfing Beaches

The Association of Surfing Professionals circuit is a ten-month international competition that begins in Japan and circles the globe, attracting wave jockeys to shoot the big ones. For the first time, an American, Tom Curren (he's on Ocean Pacific Sunwear's professional surfing team), walked away with the championship for 1985--1986. Want to know Curren's pick of the world's ten best surfing beaches? Sure you do.

1. Rincon, California

2. Biarritz, France

3. The Pipeline, Hawaii

4. Sunset Beach, California

5. Todos Santos, Baja California

6. Mundaca, Spain

7. Margaret River, Australia

8. Haleiwa, Hawaii

9. Hollister Ranch, California

10. Natividad, Baja California

America's Best Fresh-Water Beaches

Surprise. A beach does not require pounding surf or even salt. Who needs tides? Think scenery.

Lone Rock Beach, Lake Powell, Utah: One and a half miles of sandy beach on a spectacular 186-mile man-made lake.

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Seward Park, Lake Washington, Seattle, Washington: Bask in Seattle's heart, with snowy Mount Rainier on the horizon.

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Oak Street Beach, Chicago: This mid-city beach on Lake Michigan (just a stone's throw from our offices) attracts 2,000,000 swimmers, baskers, assorted pro volleyballers and well-defined triathloners every summer, from bankers to ex-Bunnies. A Midwest Waikiki, sans palms.

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Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore, Lake Michigan: Near Traverse City, Michigan, you'll find 50 miles of beaches with the world's largest (500 feet) fresh-water sand dunes.

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Million Dollar Beach, Lake George, New York: This beach, on the beautiful Adirondack lake's southern shore, was named for what it cost to create it.

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Lake Eufaula Beaches, Oklahoma: Number Nine Cove is the most popular of this jumbo lake's fine beaches. Foun-tainhead Beach has a deluxe hotel; Arrowhead Beach offers a resort run by the Choctaw Indian nation.

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Cedar Point, Lake Erie, Ohio: Lake Erie's best beach, a mile long, just 55 miles west of Cleveland. Check out the Hotel Breakers and amusement park.

sun! surf! sex! we're throwing a splashy 20-page party and you're invited, take the plunge!

Castles in the Sand

Official records are hard to come by, but reputedly the largest sand castle in the world was built by the Sand Sculptures International Group of San Diego in 1986 at Treasure Island, Florida. It was a replica of Atlantis, 53 feet high, 200 feet wide and 258 feet long. Anheuser-Busch sponsored the castle's building, which called for 48,384 tons of sand. We'll drink to that.

Best All-Time Beach Reads

But what to read while lying there in God's own tanning salon? Here are some classics we think are beachin'.

Dry-fi: It's vacation, so why not visit another universe while you're at it? And if ever there was a scibeach epic full of sand, it's Frank Herbert's Dune.

Hot lit: Head for Henry Miller's Tropics--either Cancer or Capricorn--to turn up your own temperature at the beach.

Margaritaville: For tropical angst by the sea, plus nymphets, liquor and sexual high-jinks, take along copies of Tennessee Williams' The Night of the Iguana. His Suddenly, Last Summer also features a memorable beach picnic.

Heat up, cool down: Often a good way to go in beach reading. Visit the invigorating icy blasts, polar bears and glaciers of Barry Lopez' Arctic Dreams.

Classy trash: You know, the big fat ones that go on for generations. Hawaii and Shogun still take top honors for their pleasing blends of history and adultery.

Whodunit? For the all-time whodunit, it's tough to beat Ross Macdonald's The Chill.

Classical sand: Sometimes you can't beat the oldies. And a true oldie with lots of good beaches in it is Homer's Odyssey--the Robert Fitzgerald translation.

The heart of beachness: For those so beachstruck they need to read about them, too, we suggest Islands in the Sun, by Alec Waugh; Islands in the Stream, by Ernest Hemingway; Far Tortuga, by Peter Matthiessen; and the all-time classic desert-island saga, Robinson Crusoe, by Daniel Defoe.

Clean & Jerks

No one's about to kick sand around the weight rack at Venice, California's, Muscle Beach, but beach heroes there are still molded in the image of Charles Atlas. Bullies, beware.

The Ultimate Beach Tape

Begin by collecting obscure recordings, such as Shootin' Beavers and The Inebriated Surfer, both by The Tornados, from the golden age of surf music, 1961--1964. track down Dick Dale's Enlistment Twist, a collector's find released only to Army recruiting officers, then add the following.

1. My Baby Looks but He Don't Touch/Lonely Little Beach Girl, by Carol Connors, a.k.a. the Surfettes, on Mira Records. One of the few females in surf music, Connors achieved greater fame with the Teddy Bears (To Know Him Is to Love Him) but on this single filled both sides with the truth about the boys of Brian Wilson's summer. 2. Hava Nagila, by Dick Dale and the Del-Tones, on Capitol. (Dale was the "king of the surf guitar.") 3. Nose Rider, by Squiddly Diddly's Surfin' Safari, on Hanna-Barbera. 4. Selected cuts from the album Look Who's Surfin' Now, by James Brown, Freddy King, Little Willie John, King Curtis and Johnny Otis, on King Records. (Just imagine James Brown hangin' ten in his Cuban heels.) 5. Four-Wheeled Ball-Bearing Surfboard, by Ray Hildegrand and Jill Jackson, on Dot. 6. I Saw Santa Surfin' (on Christmas Day), by Pete Cronin and the Coppertones, on Hodaddy. (Cronin, who billed himself as the anti-Pope of the surf guitar, became an East Coast legend by encouraging lurid on-stage confessions and conducting a communion he claimed turned beer into the blood of Frankie Avalon.)

If you don't choose to search through garage sales in Orange County, take the easy way out and pick up a copy of The Beach Boys' 20 Golden Greats--an English release on Capitol/EMI. Over the years, the Beach Boys have paid about as much attention to their repackaging as has Jimi Hendrix. who is dead. The LP 20 Golden Greats has by far a better sound than the various American anthologies, probably because of better mastering. The English Help Me Rhonda makes people over 30 dance and chant. The American version sends them home early. The CD version may be the solution.

For a little variety, always keeping in mind the need to remain true to the surf sound in its purest form; also look for Surfin' Sixties, part of the Baby Boomer Classics series on JCI. Offensive though it is to be reduced to a demographic stereotype, this album includes almost all the non--Beach Boy essentials: Surf City, by Jan & Dean; Pipeline, by the Chantays; California Sun, by the Rivieras: Wipeout, by Surfaris, and eight more. After these two albums, the only other song you absolutely must seek out is the immortal Surfin' Bird, by The Trashmen, Minnesota's only contribution to beach culture.

A word of warning: Unless you seek a girl who actually came of age in Southern California in the early Sixties, do not play the above music. Research indicates that 78.4 percent of all girls who hang out at the beach are extroverts; that is, their values, such as they are, are outwardly directed. They think that if a lot of people are listening to a song, it is a good song, and if nobody but pale fat guys with eye problems and chubby bodies awash in zinc oxide are listening to a song, it is a bad song. So if you want to get laid, buy a radio and tune it to a Top 40 station. It may not be as much fun, but it works every time.

The Sands of Time

Waves and weather mill minerals into the specks we call sand. But all beaches are not created equal. Most sand is common quartz, often snow-white. But some sands are ground-down gems, such as garnets or topazes. Thus, beaches can be the colors of precious stones. North Carolina has beaches of petrified wood. Island beaches, such as Bermuda's, often are granulated sea shells or coral. Hawaii's greenish-yellow sands are olivine, from lava, while the white sands of New Mexico are gypsum. Sand grains may be smooth or jagged, powdery or coarse underfoot. Moistened sands are solid, like the old Daytona Speedway. But in ultrawatery sand, you sink: quicksand. When you walk on a beach near Manchester, Massachusetts, it crackles. Sand on Egypt's Mount Sinai sings like a harp in the wind. On Hawaii's Kauai, some beaches sing bass. But if you stir the sands with your hand, they bark. Nobody knows why.

Sun Sense

To tan, perchance to burn? In the sun, it's your choice. Choose tanning products with a high S.P.F. (sun-protection factor). The S.P.F. indicates how long you can stay in the sun without becoming burned. If you normally redden in ten minutes, you would redden in 80 minutes using a sunscreen with an eight S.P.F. Reapply after swimming or any hot-blooded beach activity. Wear sunglasses that have 95--100 percent U.V. filtering. Don't be fooled by an overcast day. Ultraviolet rays penetrate fog or haze; you still need protection. Resist the temptation to peel a sunburn. Soothe it with an emollient or an over-the-counter hydrocortisone cream. If the burn is fiery, see a doctor.

The Endless Beach Party

Events to Keep You in the Swim Year Round

? Gunston 500, Bay of Plenty, Durban, South Africa, July 8--12, 1987: Top pro surfers vs. world-class waves.

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? Stubbies U.S. Michelob Pro, Oceanside, California, July 28--August 2, 1987: Association of Surfing Professionals boardsmen duel for points, prizes.

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? Op Pro, Huntington Beach, California, August 3--8, 1987: Top mainland U.S. surfing event. Last year drew 100,000 spectators.

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? Hawaiian Pro Am, Maui, Hawaii, August 23--31, 1987: Three-event international windsurfing meet--Budweiser slalom, Kanaha Beach; Molokai Channel Crossing (Kapalua to Molokai and back); Wailea Speed Crossing (Wailea to Molokini, round trip).

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? Endurance Triathlon, Craigville Beach, Cape Cod, September 12, 1987: This serves as a qualifier for Hawaii's Ironman Competition held on October 10.

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? Marui Pro, Hibara Beach, Japan, October 4--12, 1987: For their pro surfing meet, the Japanese unleash the yen--megaprizes, banquets, five-star hospitality.

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? Stubbies Classic, Burleigh Heads, Australia, November 10--15, 1987: Hang ten at one of the world's top pro surf meets. Jumbo waves.

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? Triple Crown of Surfing, Oahu, Hawaii, November 24--December 22, 1987: Surfing's Super Bowl. Twenty-five-foot waves, including The Pipeline.

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? Windsurfer World Championships, Plettenberg Bay, South Africa, December 28, 1987, through January 8, 1988; World's top sailboard event.

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? Buffalo's Big Board Surfing Classic, Makaha Beach, Oahu, Hawaii, February 1988 (exact dates depend on wave conditions): Back-to-roots surfing on old-style ten-foot-or-longer boards, plus trick surfing.

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? Rip Curl Easter Classic, Bells Beach, Victoria, Australia, March 26--April 4, 1988: Top pro surfers compete.

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? Coca-Cola Classic, Manly Beach, Australia, April 10--17, 1988: This meet caps the A.S.P. circuit with world surfing championships announced at a gala banquet.

How to Stuff a Wild Pineapple

Stuffing a wild pineapple isn't quite the same as stuffing a wild bikini, but each has its points. Note that they're not mutually exclusive, so you can enjoy both. But first things first. To make a wild pineapple (for two): Cut the leafy top off a large, ripe pineapple and halve the pineapple crosswise. With a sharp, thin blade, remove the fruit in each half, leaving a one-half-inch shell. Cut the fruit into chunks and purée it in a food processor or blender. Combine in a blender one half cup of the pineapple purée with one fourth cup guava nectar, plus two ounces dark rum, one ounce orange liqueur and one half cup crushed ice. Blend until smooth. Divide between pineapple shells and top with chilled tonic water. Stir; serve with large straws. Use remaining pineapple purée for another round, or use it in a Maui breeze: Prepare pineapple as above. Set aside three fourths cup pineapple chunks. Purée the rest, strain it and combine one half cup of the resulting juice with the pineapple chunks, two and one half ounces white rum, one half ounce crème de menthe, one half ounce triple sec, two teaspoons sugar and one cup crushed ice. Blend until smooth. Aloha!

The beach is a bunch of silica improved by the presence of women. We plunked these down at the Hotel Krystal in Cancun.

The Wet Set

There are two ways to look at the healingly warm weather: You can shrug. Or you can simply throw up your hands.

A girl can decorate her body with lots of beads of water or with colorful native crafts and a serious, probing attitude.

To get the most out of summer, help your friends out and get plenty of rest yourself.

Wear sensible clothing, protective eyewear, a hat. Support the aspirations of others.

Sure, have giddy fun in the sun. But make room for those quiet moments, when it's just the two or three or four of you.