20 Questions: Bob Uecker

If Bob Uecker had batted .300, not .200, he'd probably own Bob's Ball Park Bratwurst today instead of a franchise on media penetration. He acts ("Mr. Belvedere"), sells beer (Miller Lite), does radio play-by-play for the Milwaukee Brewers and hosts "Bob Uecker's Wacky World of Sports." And, because of his soft-centered-blowhard TV character, Uecker also has to stand still for all the autograph-seeking, failed macho boys who clutch his head in an arm lock, elbow him in the ribs and want to play beer commercial. Sometimes, he'd rather be fishing in Lake Michigan on his boat, The Front Row; but, hey, sports fans, everything's got a down side. Contributing Editor David Rensin recently met with Uecker before a Brewers home game. Said Rensin, "It was a perfect afternoon. The stadium was empty. Bob suggested that we talk in the stands. He gazed toward the upper deck. Bingo! We sat in the expensive seats as long as we pleased."

1.

[Q] Playboy: Once and for all, "less filling" or "tastes great"?

[A] Uecker: [Sincerely] I'm a tastes-greater. Yeah. I love the taste of Miller Lite. I guess it is less filling, too, but I've never gotten to the point where that's important to me. Actually, we don't get to choose which side we're on. They tell us where to go. But, yeah, I've been on the less-filling side, too. Once, our director, Bob Giraldi, said we needed more bodies on the less-filling side. He said, "Uecker, go over there." I said, "No, I'm tastes great." He said, "No, go over to less filling now." I said, "No problem."

2.

[Q] Playboy: Is beer the main lubricant of male bonding?

[A] Ulcker: I don't think so. I believe it's coconut oil. And Krazy Glue.

3.

[Q] Playboy: Since your .200 batting average is responsible for your current success, what do you suggest that today's best hitter, Wade Boggs, do when he retires?

[A] Uecker: He's going to end up a major chicken supplier to the world. We're worried about enough food to feed the world. Wade Boggs is a chicken freak and he will solve that problem. I don't think he'll do it out of eggs anymore. Because of his knowledge, Boggs will be able to grow a chicken out of the ground.

I have a garden, too. Right here in Milwaukee. I plant canned goods. All of this stuff about putting seeds in the ground and dusting the plants for bugs--for what? I just take the cans themselves, stick them in the ground. It requires a little spadework, but, hey! Dig a hole, bang down a can. Make nice even rows. Then, at each row, put a sign telling what's there. And it's good year round. How many people do you see in the wintertime going out into the garden and getting vegetables? I go out in December, January, February, move some snow away, take a shovelful--bang!--you got yourself a can of peas, you got carrots. And there's no pest problem, either. Ever see a rabbit chew through a can? Not yet, anyway.

4.

[Q] Playboy: You've made a lot of your memorable career at the plate. What was the highlight behind it?

[A] Uecker: Phil and Joe Niekro pitching against each other in Atlanta. Joe was with Houston, I was catching Phil. Their parents were in the stands. It was on a Friday night; and I got to see their folks more during that game than the boys got to see 'em the whole weekend--just chasing Phil's knuckle ball back to the screen. I used to go back and say, "Hi! How're ya doing? Be back in a minute."

Generally, as a catcher, I was one of those guys who, if an umpire missed a play at the plate, if he called a runner out and the guy was safe, would tell him. I didn't care if we lost the game. When the other manager came out, screaming and hollering, I'd argue along with him. I'd admit I missed the tag. We lost a lot of games like that; but I'd rather be honest.

5.

[Q] Playboy: Compare today's protective equipment for catchers with yesterday's.

[A] Uecker: The protection today is probably a little bit better. Shin guards are much longer and there's better protection for your private area. When I was catching, I used to wear a glass cup. I really hated that. When it shattered, I'd have some doctor picking glass out of me. Catchers wear metal cups today. I tried catching a game without a mask a couple of times. The mask always impeded my vision. I didn't always look like this, you know. I got hit a couple of times. Then I gave up the macho stuff.

6.

[Q] Playboy: What's the hand signal for a brush back or a bean ball? Who has the best hands in baseball and whose signals are unintelligible?

[A] Uecker: If a manager gestures across under his chin with his hand, that means a brush-back pitch. Pointing to his ear means stick one there--a definite brush back. If you see that, you should let your friend in the batter's box know--unless you don't like him. But no one gets hurt anymore. They've got the batting helmets now, with the flaps over their ears and everything.

Bob Boone's got nice hands. I'm not talking about his signals--just very nice hands. B. J. Surhoff, a kid on the Brewers, too. And Mike Scioscia of the Dodgers. But the guys you've got to watch out for are those who don't put the signal down between their groin. They hold it out to the side. Way out here, like this [demonstrates]. I used to do that sometimes, so I could remember what I called. Between my legs, I couldn't see it. Also, I hate to look down there, because people think you're a pervert.

7.

[Q] Playboy: You had a lot of nicknames when you were playing. What do they call you now?

[A] Uecker: When I was a player, my nicknames were Garbage and Stinko. Now it's Mister. Pretty much Mister. Or Prince.

8.

[Q] Playboy: We hear that you do a play-by-play routine that is rarely heard in public. How about a command performance?

[A] Uecker: OK. It's a parody of the late Bob Elson, an announcer in Chicago. He would always talk about people who came into the booth but would never tell you their names. [On-air voice] "Well, it's good to see an old friend of ours stopping by here this afternoon--here's a swing and a miss by Nelson Fox and the inning is over. And we say goodbye to our old friend and thanks for stopping in. And, fans, I wish you had a chance to see this guy, a guy (continued on page 160) Bob Uecker (continued from page 141) you'll remember from many, many years here in the Chicagoland area and, well, he's gone now, and we thank him for stopping in."

He would do that constantly, so I just made up that thing about a Russian missile attack on Chicago with him never missing a play. He didn't care how many bombs were dropped. It would be [on-air voice] "A swing and a miss, the White Sox haven't won in 21 days, bases loaded here and nobody out. And the Yankees leading two to one." Meanwhile, the engineer keeps trying to get his attention. "Wow! Our engineer keeps telling me that we have a public-service announcement, but more important, the White Sox have a chance to win this game.

"All right, we'll read this thing. Here's a swing and a foul off the bat of Gene Freese and it's nothing-one. It seems the Russians have launched an ICBM attack--here's a ball, low and outside--against the Chicagoland area, and the attack is due to hit here around--here's a swing and a line-drive foul to left--4:30; that is, Central time; but right now, the White Sox with a chance to win this game. Here is the windup and the next pitch. Strike three called, and this game is over. And the White Sox leave the bases loaded. And as we look out over the right-field area here in Comiskey Park, we see some of those missiles exploding in the downtown Chicago area. Now, for those of you who are looking for an escape route out of Chicago, 1-94 North seems like your best route. But don't forget, the Red Sox are in for a weekend series starting tomorrow. That's Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And Sunday is going to be Jersey Day here at the ball park. Everybody entering the park gets a free cow. So come on out Sunday afternoon, when the White Sox take on Boston. Boy, look at those bombs exploding. There go the right-field seats. So long, everybody."

9.

[Q] Playboy: Statistics have become such a big part of the play-by-play and color broadcasts that it seems you guys have a personal computer in the booth. True? Or do you really know all that stuff?

[A] Uecker: A lot of it is memory. If you asked me about a particular game a year ago, I could tell you what somebody hit, what pitch he hit for a home run that beat you. You remember things that hurt you. We do rely on stat sheets, but generally, I don't need notes to do a broadcast. Filling 20 seconds between each pitch is no problem. In fact, there's too much information. We probably get six or seven sheets a day. How can you use all that stuff in a game? But I don't know if any of it means anything. You can't convince the players that it does.

10.

[Q] Playboy: What's your all-time baseball-trivia stumper question?

[A] Uecker: Why didn't Sandy Koufax pitch the opening game of the '65 world series against Minnesota? It was a Jewish holiday.

11.

[Q] Playboy: What major-league record will never be broken?

[A] Uecker: DiMaggio's hitting streak. Pete Rose came close, but he was still a long, long way away. And maybe the home-run record. That depends on longevity. Hank Aaron stuck around long enough to beat it. I don't think it will happen again, because of player salaries. Why hang around that long, when there're so many other things you can do with that kind of money?

12.

[Q] Playboy: You're in conference with the commissioner. He has asked your opinion on the designated hitter, electronic umps and Astroturf. What do you tell him?

[A] Uecker: I'd go for an electronic ump. Just dress it in black. Give it a beer belly. Put a little beanie on it or a beret. [Pauses] Of course, who would you scream and holler at if you didn't have those guys? I like the D.H. I'm not too excited about watching pitchers hit. Just the way they weren't that excited about watching me hit, you know? I probably didn't mention to you that when I got released, all the pitchers in the National League wanted to pay my salary just to keep me in the league. It was going to be a pool, with each guy contributing a little money to keep me on the club. I'm not a big Astroturf fan. If horses can't eat it, I don't think it's any good.

13.

[Q] Playboy: Are the sunny seats superior to the shady seats?

[A] Uecker: NO. Look at where you have to walk up there [points to upper deck.] What's fun is getting down. People buy those cheap seats and as the game progresses, they move from seat to seat. That's the only way to go. I saw somebody fall out of the upper deck in Philadelphia one day. What a thrill. People booed the guy when he got up and walked away. Those people in Philly, they're tough.

14.

[Q] Playboy: You were born a Robert, but somewhere along the way, you chose Bob. Can you give us a few words on being Bob?

[A] Uecker: I think Bob means getting away from patent-leather shoes. Roberts are into that. Also pants with a stripe. Robert has always sounded tuxedoish to me. Robert McFarlane. Robert Morley. Bob's one of the guys, you know. For instance: "Bob on up and kiss my ass." You couldn't say, "Robert up and kiss my ass." It's got to be Bob.

15.

[Q] Playboy: What's the best Bob Uecker joke you've ever heard and who tells it?

[A] Uecker: Johnny Carson. It was during one of those Karnak routines. The answer was, "Catch-22." The question was, "What Bob Uecker does with a hundred pitches."

16.

[Q] Playboy: Among your lesser-known jobs is hosting Bob Uecker's Wacky World of Sports. What are the craziest stories you ever did?

[A] Uecker: We had a guy who caught cannon balls. He must have been about 5'6". He looked like Tony Galento, the fighter. He stood six to eight feet away and caught a shot the size of a bowling ball. There was a wall behind him that was supposed to stop him. It didn't. There was plaster everywhere. The guy got up, though.

There used to be another guy who'd get into a coffin in center field. Then his helpers would put dynamite around the thing and blow him up. You don't see stuff like that anymore.

We also had a guy from the Flying Wallendas who'd walk on a high wire stretched from the top-deck roof in right to the top-deck roof in left. I'd stand on the pitcher's mound. He'd take a baseball with him, do a handstand up there and drop the ball down to me. He's dead now.

Finally, there was The Great Zucchini. They fired him out of a cannon. In Cleveland, he had too much of a charge in there, and he went over the left-field wall--out into Lake Erie someplace. Nobody ever saw him again.

17.

[Q] Playboy: How do you keep the fans interested when the outlook is dismal?

[A] Uecker: You don't give the score as much--maybe twice during the game. Then people will keep listening.

18.

[Q] Playboy: Is it a good idea for catchers to talk with batters while they're at bat?

[A] Uecker: Guys used to tell me all the time to shut up. But some hitters it doesn't bother. I could ask about the family, "How's your kids?" "How's the road trip?" "I saw your car at the ball park--nice car." And while they're answering, they're hitting a ball out of the ball park. Usually, it was because they'd tricked me into telling them what pitch I'd called. I guess I got too involved with those guys. They'd say, "Jeez, you got a great guy on the mound. What's he got?" I'd say, "Yeah, he's throwing pretty good today." "No kidding?" "Yeah. Watch his fast ball."

19.

[Q] Playboy: Is the drug problem over in baseball?

[A] Uecker: Yes; Peter Ueberroth's done a heck of a job. And each club has done its part by bringing in drug- and alcohol-rehab programs, not only for the players but for front-office people, too. That's a common thing now. It has to be. I can't remember anybody dying of an overdose of anything when I was playing. An overdose of curve balls, maybe. Or going back to the minor leagues.

20.

[Q] Playboy: When you were playing, how seriously did you take your baseball career?

[A] Uecker: I took it very seriously. I wanted to do good when I was out there. I did do good sometimes. Sometimes I sucked. But I never went out there with the idea of doing badly. But I like to laugh. I didn't screw around when I played. Just because I went onto the field with no pants on didn't mean I didn't care.

bingo! mr. baseball takes a few swings at umps, slumps and records that will never be broken