The (Hurrah!) Return of the Miniskirt

Miniskirts. The ultimate treat for men. No need to devise clever strategies for peeking at panties and possibly throwing out your back. Miniskirts make that unnecessary. And women are trotting around in them, proving that they do like men after all and are interested in more than just their fair share of the market place.

A woman in a mini is not just saying, "Come over and hop right on." That's what caused all the trouble the last time around. Men would see those little skirts and say, "Goddamn it, she's asking for it." And sometimes she was. But not always. Inside some of those miniskirts were the proud and curvy little bods of feminists upset that they couldn't wear a teeny skirt without sending out the wrong signal. So the mini was taken away for a few decades, forcing men to consider their behavior.

However, it's back now, though with the clear understanding that just because a woman has one on doesn't mean she wants to take it right off. She may want to keep it on for a while. She may have just bought the damned thing.

And even though she's wearing this little wisp of a garment and is just about exposing the entire package, it does not mean she is ready for action. She may be considering the proper stance for America in the Persian Gulf—and, at the same time, airing out her legs a little. Men didn't understand that on the first go-around, but they sort of do now.

Some of the new minis seem begrudging and tightly bound, forcing their owners into a duck-like waddle that only a small group of sophisticates will enjoy.

But most of them remain short, shorter and Where Did That Sucker Go? Who looks good in them? Surprisingly, not many. If you're talking pert-and-saucy Mary Hart, fine; but a flimsy on Diane Sawyer would undercut her serious approach to world affairs. A mini on Raisa Gorbachev comes off as a cheap glasnost ploy. And for God's sake, keep Margaret Thatcher in something sensible.

Minis look best on distant, anonymous women with colt like legs, slipping through the night to sip imported beers with investment bankers.

Also attractive in minis:

• Undercover decoy cops.

• Candidates' daughters.

• First novelists.

• Old broads who hung around with Papa in Paris and always knew that the legs were the last to go.

• Female characters in minimalist fiction. Joyous when they first come barreling out, these heartland honeys can be counted on to have an attack of K mart angst, vomit on their minis and wind up sitting in a pickup, waiting for the geese to fly over.

• Anyone's girlfriend except yours. You've seen Joanie's legs. You see them all the time. It's other folks' legs you want to see.

• Muammar el-Qaddafi. (According to the late CIA bigwig Bill Casey. But didn't Qaddafi's people spread the same story about old Case?)

Which leads, somewhat circuitously, to the essential question: Why now? Why not wait till the unpleasantness blows over? Who needs to see hot legs and a promise of much, much more when it's best to keep sex on the back burner for a while?

People of every persuasion can agree that this is a dangerous time to reintroduce a new sex toy. But since when do big bucks have a conscience? An abbreviated skirt carries the same price tag as an honest one and uses only one third the fabric. The rest is profit for the mini moguls. If working moms have to go around with exposed tushes ... if two out of three skirt guys are forced to either sit on the side lines or take low-paying service jobs ... if the Japanese once again come out on top ... well, that's showbiz.

Meanwhile, the minis are back, so enjoy them while you can, or at least try to, and for God's sake, don't let the Surgeon General's face interfere with your pleasure. After all, you're only looking. Sure, there are studies that say that's worse than a hands-on approach, but so what? There are always studies, and the results are far from conclusive.

Get off on those tiny skirts. The mini, with its basic rip-off attitude toward the consumer, may be the last gasp of the what's-in-it-for-me? years.

After that, it's honest skirts and America goes back to work.