20 Questions: Teri Garr

Robert Crane caught up with the effervescent Teri Garr at her office in Los Angeles. He reports, "Teri is as pretty, funny and full of doubt in person as she is on the big screen. Angst could easily be her middle name. A dancer in nine Elvis Presley movies, Garr prominently displayed her fabulous legs while wearing a business suit straight out of 'Mr. Mom.' In case you were wondering, she doesn't enjoy being asked what it's like to be David Letterman's girlfriend."

1.

[Q] Playboy: If men were food, describe your favorite meal.

[A] Garr: Burger and fries are very appealing, if you get my drift. Sometimes, gourmet food is good, too. Slow, nice gourmet food.

2.

[Q] Playboy: About what are you neurotic?

[A] Garr: Relationships with men. I never shut up about them. What does he mean? Why can't I? Why can't he? Why doesn't he? Why don't I? It's the same shit over and over. It's endless. I don't know what's going to stop it. Maybe shock therapy.

3.

[Q] Playboy: Describe your recurring dreams.

[A] Garr: Robert Redford is in my dreams a lot. I don't know why. I don't know what he represents. I don't take any notice of him. He's just another actor. All of a sudden, he'll be in a dream. I'll be working with him. I'll wake up in the morning and go, "Robert Redford. Why?" I like him very much, but it's not like Brando or De Niro. I'll dream that I walk off the stage and someone says, "You were fabulous. The audience was crying." I go, "Me?" "You. We never knew that you had the capacity and depth. You were really beautiful and sexual and moving." I go, "Me?" I wake up feeling great in the morning. If dreams help you conquer your fears, then I'm in great shape.

4.

[Q] Playboy: What flatters you?

[A] Garr: Good lighting. Pink lights. Vittorio Storaro, one of my favorite cameramen. Driving around L.A. in a fancy car and being recognized. You know, the construction-worker deal; you're walking down the street and they whistle at your ass. It feels good. When people come up to me and tell me they like my work as an actress, I say, "Thank you. Can I have a dollar? Is there some way I can turn this flattery into cold cash? Otherwise, it's not worth much to me, is it?"

5.

[Q] Playboy: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

[A] Garr: I would have bigger breasts. I always thought that would be the answer. It's why everybody is popular. I'd be copping out if I had that surgery done, though. "What is essential is invisible to the eye," says the Little Prince.

6.

[Q] Playboy: David Letterman: the truth.

[A] Garr: We're secretly married and have a couple of kids. But don't print it, please. He begged me, "Don't tell anybody."

The relationship appears to be something that it isn't. I go on the show because I like David and I've known him for years. When I did Young Frankenstein, I went on a tour often cities in ten days. I thought that was the glamor part of show business. David Letterman had a radio show in Indianapolis that I appeared on and he asked the same stupid questions-- "So, what's it like out there in Hollywood? What kind of car do you drive?" So, now, we have this relationship that has some time behind it. That's the only thing that makes it look so comfortable on TV. I guess we flirt with each other. We don't hang out. He's a very driven person. He's out to be at the top of the NBC peacock. He's clawing his way to the middle. He's good at talk-show stuff. He's funny. To do The Tonight Show is harder, because Johnny Carson always asks, "Who are you dating? When are you getting married? Who are you living with?" It's all about dating and personal life. I like Johnny a lot, but he's like a father. "It's none of your damn business, Johnny." You can go on Letterman and talk about how stupid beauty pageants are. David's funny, and, of course, we're married.

7.

[Q] Playboy: How did Letterman lure you into his shower?

[A] Garr: I've done other things, but I'm known only for that shower scene. Here's what happened: Letterman was doing his show in his office as an experiment. They wanted me to come early so David could show me around. He's got pencils stuck in his ceiling. He's got his own bathroom with a shower in it. When he showed me around, he asked, "Do you want to take a shower?" I said, "No, I don't want to take a shower." That night, we did the show in his office without an audience. It was like dead air. It was going out to millions of people and it was not entertaining. We started talking and trying to make a conversation. I'm thinking, Dead air. Big, big dead air. He asked me again if I wanted to take a shower. I said, "No, forget the shower." We all wore body microphones, because there wasn't room for a boom mike. When the next guest appeared, the sound man said he wanted to take my body mike. I said, "No, because I might say something while I'm sitting here." He said, "We have only so many body mikes." During a commercial, David said, "Come on, take a shower. It would make the show more interesting. Just do it." I said, "No, forget it. I'm not taking a shower. It's stupid. Stop it." The sound man was bugging me about the body mike. Finally, I said, "OK, take the fucking mike. I won't say anything anymore." As soon as I handed him the mike, the sound man said, "She's gonna take the shower!" That was on the air. I decided, what the hell. I went into the bathroom. I thought, This is just a joke. It's just some kind of a titillating, sensuous idea, but all right, I'll take the shower. It was live TV and I went in there and started to take my clothes off and thought, What am I doing? Why? David's at the door, saying, "Turn on the water; we're running out of time." I turned on the shower, and I had my underpants on. I had to walk home with wet underpants. They didn't plan this. That was my foray into "living theater" and live show business with David Letterman browbeating me into doing it. People love to see people with a firmness crumble. It must have been some kind of a sexual conquering.

8.

[Q] Playboy: What have you learned from the Eighties?

(concluded on page 138)Teri Garr(continued from page 115)

[A] Garr: Condoms.

9.

[Q] Playboy: Is fidelity part of your vocabulary?

[A] Garr: Of course it is. That's the only thing that's fair. It's also completely human and natural to flirt with people and have sexual feelings, as Jimmy Carter said. You can't deny that that goes on. Fidelity is also sticking up for your friends and your ideals. It's the only kind of good thing about the Mafia.

10.

[Q] Playboy: Whose thighs would you die for?

[A] Garr: Arnold Schwarzenegger's. They're very well developed; every muscle is defined. I don't want to say I'm envious of any other woman's body. It's a bad myth to perpetuate. Women have enough trouble liking themselves.

11.

[Q] Playboy: When do you know you're in love?

[A] Garr: It can be an instant thing. It can be a guy at the cleaners who makes a joke and I can walk out of there and think, I love this guy.

I've spent so many years being defensive and wisecracking that it's very hard to let myself know. I'm very defensive about it. It's because of men I trusted who left. I'm scared of it.

12.

[Q] Playboy: Describe your worst date.

[A] Garr: One? I have 20 and they all make me shut the door just a little bit tighter each time. I was very naïve. I came to town by myself and dropped out of college and had my own apartment and was going to be an actress and was going to be a dancer and I had roommates. I was prey to all kinds of awful situations. Men are out to get you--I'm sorry--if you're out there and you're vulnerable and you're nice. I had to learn the hard way about how to protect myself.

Once, years ago, I was on The Dating Game and I won a date with this guy and we had to go to Las Vegas. It was like prison. I didn't want to do it. This guy was in a singing group called the Fuzzy Lumps. It was pretty bad. I played the nickel slot machine all night and came home. Thanks, dream date. I wanted to be dead.

13.

[Q] Playboy: When was the last time you lied?

[A] Garr: Just now. Sometimes, you tell people things to protect them. You know what's best, because you know better than anybody and that's why you lie. So, it's OK.

I have a hard time with my family. I keep certain things from my mother. I keep certain things from my brothers. I don't call it lying, but if I tell them everything about my life, then they worry. So it's not really like lying.

14.

[Q] Playboy: What is an irresistible combination of features in a man?

[A] Garr: Sense of humor is on the top, which also connotes some kind of intelligence and wit. A man should be able to dance. When I was in high school, these were the two big things: Guys had to have a great car and they had to dance. Somehow, this stuff got lost through the years. But I'm bringing it back. Men who work on cars have always been very appealing to me. I like to say, "What have you got in there? Dual cams? You got two sixes? You got three fours? What have you got?" I like these guys.

15.

[Q] Playboy: What's it like being the other woman?

[A] Garr: Being the other woman is something you unconsciously do on purpose, because you don't have any self-esteem or you don't want a relationship. You know he's not going to leave his wife, so you're putting yourself in this painful place. You're putting yourself as second fiddle and you accept it. You don't feel that you deserve or are entitled to be the number-one person. I once went out with a guy who was married--I didn't know he was married at the time--and when I found out, I went nuts. I said, "You can't do this. This is unfair." What about the wife? There's something about a man who wants to have all kinds of people he's committed to or faking it. What does that say about his ego? Being the other woman is torture. But at least it's something.

16.

[Q] Playboy: When you're dateless, what are some good things you can do only alone?

[Q] Garr: I like to get into my car and drive around. It's very meditative. I've always had a fantasy that I could get a pickup truck and drive around, bash it up, go way out, just drive. It's because I'm from Southern California. We learn to drive when we're young. When you're an adolescent and you're going through such insane angst, anyway, and the minute you're 15 and a half, you have this learner's permit, you start driving. I would drive everywhere--just get on the freeway and see what it's like. I'm like the woman in Joan Didion's Play It as It Lays. Driving is my acting research, because I can check out how different societies live and what their day is like.

17.

[Q] Playboy: How do you perceive yourself? Beautiful? Perky? Vague?

[A] Garr: Perceptive. Energetic. Curious. Malevolent. Hostile. Empathetic. Compassionate. Precise. Occasionally, confused. There is one word--I'm not going to tell you what it is--that is used to describe me all the time. If I hear that word one more time, I'm going to eat my shoes. I guess it's my own fault for trying to be charming and please everyone. You finally get to the point where you go, "Fuck that shit. I'll just please myself."

18.

[Q] Playboy: What's the Teri Garr workout regimen?

[A] Garr: This is pathetic. I used to be really good about the running. I did a lot of running. I do Jane Fonda's workout at least three times a week. That class is like the Marines. When I go to work, it's so hard to do any exercising that the best I can do is, like, ride a bike. I hate running any more. I hate fucking running. I won't do it. I'm going to start swimming. There is no regimen. I feel so embarrassed about this. It's catch-as-catch-can. I joined three gyms. I've been to two of them once. When I'm on location, I think, The best I can do is to walk around and shop today. I'll get some exercise. Tighten my butt as I walk down the street. I'm beginning to hate it all.

19.

[Q] Playboy: Who wears the pants in your life?

[A] Garr: I do. I'm pretty much of a leader. My mother, sister-in-law and I are all from the same place, Island of the Bossy Women. You should see my brother get bossed around, and he's a surgeon, he's not a schlep guy. All women are like that on a certain level, because they're not allowed to do it anyplace else. So women develop this thing where their home becomes the Land of Bossiness.

20.

[Q] Playboy: Where were you when Elvis died?

[A] Garr: I danced in a lot of Elvis' movies when I was starting out and studying acting. I was in Mobile, Alabama, doing Close Encounters. Elvis was doing a concert there. He was right upstairs in a suite and I thought, I should go up and say hi to him, because I know him. I didn't, and he died the next year and I felt like, You see, you should say hello to people you know. We're circus people. We take care of our own. I'm fascinated with Elvis, because he came from nothing and was given a lot, and how did he deal with that transition? Where's the party? There is no party. Where's the level of fun? There is no fun. It's just another level of your life, but you have more money. If he were alive, I bet he'd be a health nut, a nondrug person. But he just didn't make it around that corner. Too bad. Nice guy.

our favorite dizzy blonde speaks out on great breasts, bad dates and how letterman lured her into that shower

"I was on 'The Dating Game' and I won and we had to go to Las Vegas. I wanted to be dead."