Real Men Don't Eat Quiche

"Real Men don't each quiche," said Flex Crush, ordering a breakfast of steak, prime rib, six eggs and a loaf of toast.

We were sitting in the professional-drivers' section of an all-night truckers' pit stop somewhere west of Tulsa on I-44. Flex, a 225-pound nuclear-waste driver, was pensive:

"American men are all mixed up today," he began, pausing to dab a cleaning rag at the 12-gauge shotgun broken open over his knees. "There was a time when this was a nation of Ernest Hemingways. Real Men. The kind of guys who could defoliate an entire forest to make a breakfast fire--and then wipe out an endangered species while hunting for lunch. But not anymore. We've become a nation of wimps. Pansies. Alan Alda types who cook and clean and 'relate' to their wives. Phil Donahue clones who are 'sensitive' and 'vulnerable' and 'understanding' of their children. And where's it gotten us? I'll tell you where. The Japanese make better cars. The Israelis, better soldiers. The Irish, better violence. And the rest of the world is using our embassies for target practice."

The entire restaurant was mesmerized. It was so quiet you could hear the day's fresh-caught fish thawing in the freezer.

"I'm convinced things were better in the old days," Flex continued. "Men were Men. Women were sex objects. And the rest of the world understood: One false move and we'd nuke 'em."

While his desire to return to the days of "Me Tarzan, you Jane" may be somewhat impractical, Flex does raise some important questions:

How--in a world in which you're expected to be sensitive, sympathetic and split half the household chores--do you remain a Real Man? Is there a way to accept the concept of the female orgasm and still command the respect of your foreign-auto mechanic?

It made us think. And in order to help the Playboy reader through these emotionally troubled times, we herewith offer a guide to treading the social tightrope that has come to be the special hell of the modern Real Man.

Chapter One

Defining the Modern Real Man

In the old days, it was easy to be a Real Man: All you had to do was cheat at poker, steal land from Indians, abuse women and find someplace to dump the toxic waste.

Today, men everywhere are under siege. Women are taking our jobs. Robots are replacing us on G.M. assembly lines. And formerly innocent pastimes such as barroom brawling, waging war and whale hunting are no longer smiled upon by polite society.

So what, then, makes someone a Real Man today?

The answer is simple.

A Real Man today is someone who can triumph over the challenges of modern society.

Real Men, for example, don't buy flight insurance.

Real Men aren't afraid to leave home without the American Express Card.

Real Men don't count on the United Nations ("After 36 years, all it's proved capable of doing is producing a nice Christmas card").

Real Men are secure enough to admit they buy Playboy for more than the articles.

Basically, today's Real Man is unaffected by fads or fashion. In short, there's one phrase that sums up his existence: Real Men don't eat quiche.

Chapter Two

Who's Who Among Real Men

Essentially, the world can be divided into two categories of men: those who eat quiche and those who don't.

Jimmy Carter, for example, eats quiche. George Bush doesn't.

Elvis Presley was a Real Man; so was Anwar Sadat. John Chancellor, Curt Gowdy, Pelé, George Harrison and Harry Reasoner are Real Men.

Morley Safer probably eats quiche; ditto for Chevy Chase, Howard Baker, Geraldo Rivera, Tom Snyder and Wayne Newton. Paul McCartney eats quiche; no one is sure about Burt Reynolds.

James Caan is a Real Man, and so are Robert Duvall and Jack Nicholson. Carol Burnett is a Real Man for taking on the National Enquirer.

Robert Redford is too sensitive to be a Real Man; Alan Alda and Phil Donahue are terminally sincere quiche eaters. You can forget Halston--Real Men have two names. And Dick Cavett is eliminated simply because Real Men don't begin three out of four sentences with the phrase "When Woody and I...."

Real Man Quiz Number One

Q. How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Chapter Three

The Real Man's Credo

Among Real Men, there has always been one simple rule: Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

(Given today's violent climate, however, it's always best to defer to lunatics wielding howitzers, tanks, handguns or 2000-pound portable radios. It's a simple fact of life that no matter how tough and strong you are, it all means nothing if you're not alive to show it. This is an example of the modern Real Man's newfound intelligence--otherwise known as survival of the smartest.)

Chapter Four

The Real Man Vocabulary

Real Men do not "relate" to anything. They do not have "meaningful dialogs." They do not talk about "personal space," "vibes," "karma," "bummers" or "shared experiences."

A Real Man cannot be "hung up" on anything. He doesn't care where somebody's "coming from"; he's not "into" anything and finds nothing "far out," "cosmic," "super" or "heavy."

And, most important, Real Men do not talk like Alexander Haig. When a simple yes or no answer is required, you will not hear one of these:

"Well, according to our latest reports, at this point in time, within the usual parameters, answerwise, I'd have to respond with a definite guarded affirmative: The odds are good that I had quiche for dinner last night." Among Real Men, this is called "bullshit."

Chapter Five

The Modern Real Man on Wheels

Remember when being a Real Man meant flying down the highway at 100 mph stone-drunk, with one hand on a 17-year-old blonde and the other wrapped around a bottle of Schlitz?

Fortunately, some things never change--and the automobile remains the sacred shrine of Real Men everywhere.

What do Real Men drive?

It's simple: Chryslers--massive, hulking, gas-guzzling Chryslers. Indy 500 specials. With four-barrel carburetors, automatic transmissions and 5,000,000 cubic inches under the hood.

Real Men, after all, are realistic:

How are you ever going to lose a state trooper in a Honda?

Real Man Quiz Number Two

Q. How many Real Men does it take to cross a river?

A. It takes 5000: 4999 to build the suspension bridge and one to drive across in a tractor trailer.

Chapter Six

Great Moments in Real Man Literature

" 'Strike a match,' I said to Tex.... I put the unburned outside of my left forearm directly over the flame."

--G. Gordon Liddy, in his autobiography, Will

Chapter Seven

Great Moments in Real Man History

1440 B.C. Moses parts the Red Sea.

62 B.C. Roman government completes highway system and issues first road map for summer vacationers. Real Men promptly start tradition of ignoring the map and refusing to make bathroom stops. A Roman gladiator on holiday explains to his son: "Real Men can hold their urine."

1162 Genghis Khan develops role of Genghis Khan for Charles Bronson.

1484 Leonardo invents the tank.

1533 Henry VIII divorces Catherine of Aragon and marries Anne Boleyn; introduces concept of disposable wives.

1618 Thirty Years' War begins.

1762 First poker game.

1773 Boston Tea Party. Real Men throw tea into harbor, demanding black coffee.

1866 Jack Daniel's introduced.

1880 Dodge City, Kansas: first use of phrase "This town isn't big enough for both of us."

1923 Chuck Yeager born.

1930 Clarence Birdseye introduces frozen food.

1933 Prohibition repealed.

June 6, 1944 156,000 Real Men storm French beaches at Normandy.

1946 First bikini appears on same beaches.

1948 Invention of the chain saw.

1955The Honeymooners airs.

1962 First pop-top beer can.

1964 The Pontiac GTO is introduced.

1967 Super Bowl I.

1974 Ali beats Foreman in Zaire.

1979 Lee Marvin wins palimony case brought by Michelle Triola.

Chapter Eight

Sex, Romance and the Modern Real Man

Today's Real Man is charming, enlightened, kind and understanding--at least until he knows a woman long enough to take her for granted (say, three weeks).

A few other notes:

1. Real Men don't like to "do it" on the first date. It makes them feel cheap.

2. Real Men are no longer looking for a girl just like Mom--because Mom had no idea about S/M, bondage or the more interesting uses for a video camera.

3. Real Men offer to provide birth control.

4. Real Men have actually learned to enjoy it on the bottom.

5. Real Men are quieter than most Real Women.

6. Real Men still ask if it was good.

7. Real Men still send flowers the next day.

What the old-style Real Man looked for in a woman: Trust funds. Big breasts.

What today's Real Man looks for in a woman: Personality, intelligence, kindness, a sense of humor, a good job, a good (concluded on page 327)Real Men(continued from page 232) game of doubles and the ability to figure out how to take depreciation allowances on the IRS 1040 long form.

Chapter Nine

Real Men and Television

When Vladimir Zworykin invented television in 1923, his goal was far greater than the mere transmission of moving pictures.

He wanted to invent something that would allow Real Men to avoid having to talk to their families after dinner. In its early years, television does just that. There are countless hours of Real Man value-confirming sports, violence and homicides.

Chapter Ten

The Real Man Film Festival

Patton Taxi Driver

Citizen Kane Ben-Hur

Raging Bull The Warriors

Spartacus Love Story

Great Lines From

Other Real Man Movies

"I stick my neck out for nobody."

--Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning." --Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now

Chapter 11

Four Things You Won't Find in a Real Man's Pockets

1. Lip balm

2. Breath freshener

3. Opera tickets

4. Recipes for quiche

Real Man Quiz Number Three

Q. Why did the Real Man cross the road?

A. It's none of your goddamn business.

Chapter 12

The Real Man's Nutritional Guide

By now you're probably wondering: If a Real Man doesn't eat quiche, just what does his diet consist of? Each day, Real Men try to eat something from each of the five critical Real Man food groups:

Protein

Steak

Hamburger

Cheeseburger

Bacon cheeseburger

Big Mac

Whopper

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Ham and Swiss on rye

Carbohydrates

Spaghetti

Macaroni and cheese

French fries

Home fries

Hashbrowns

Potato chips

Pretzels

Liquids

Beer

Gatorade

Jack Daniel's

Nourishment

Ring Dings

Devil Dogs

Cheeze Whiz

Twinkies

Mallomars

Double-stuffed Oreos

Fruits and Vegetables

Corn on the cob

Orange soda

Chapter 13

Are You Today's Real Man?

A short test for those who still aren't sure:

1. A certain low-rent Middle Eastern nation grabs 52 Americans and holds them hostage. Do you (A) negotiate, (B) nuke 'em, (C) send quiche?

2. Phil Donahue is interviewing Alan Alda on channel two; Dick Cavett is interviewing Woody Allen on channel four; Geraldo Rivera is interviewing himself on channel five; and the movie of the week on channel seven is about a blind 18-year-old rape victim who can't decide whether to have an abortion or join the women's professional-golf tour. Do you (A) go bowling, (B) smash the tube, (C) send $25 to Jerry Falwell, (D) rerun Deep Throat on the Beta-max?

3. How many pairs of bikini underpants do you own? (A) none, (B) one (received as a gift), (C) more than one.

4. Your girlfriend announces she's having an affair with another woman. Do you (A) nuke her, (B) send quiche, (C) ask if you can watch?

5. How many women have you slept with in the past year? (A) 100-300, (B) 300-1000, (C) more than 1000?

Scoring: To be honest, the perfect score is 0; Real Men don't take quizzes in magazines.

in this feminist-infested, designer-dominated, more-sensitive-than-thou world, the time has come to draw the line

"Q. Why did the Real Man cross the road? A. It's none of your goddamn business."