A Thinking Man's Guide to Losing Your Head

Here's the scene: A normal guy gets up, puts on his suit and leaves for work. He's a brown-shoe guy, average in every way, regular as a traffic light. Up ahead is the office. He picks lint off his tie, glances at his beautiful secretary standing in the office window and starts across the street.

But the cover is off the manhole. Everyone can see it. People stop to watch the disaster. It's like a cheat sheet for a Greek tragedy in which everyone except the hero knows something's wrong. Sure enough, his chin still up, the guy hits the hole mid-stride, and it seems that in a nanosecond, he's going to be up to his neck in shit.

But in a flash, he's popping his head up through the manhole opening, fresh as a daisy. Hey, you say, how did he do that? Well, it's a gimmick shot in a movie of the mundane, and the hero is just a normal stunt man, a guy with a great talent for falling and never, ever getting hurt.

Now, don't you wish you could pull off that stunt? Don't you think that in the film story of your life, you could do with something more than trick photography (ah, how your eyes deceive you) and a rich assortment of supporting characters? Don't you think you may be able to use a little industrial-strength stuntwork now and then?

But, see, we're not really talking about guys' falling into (continued on page 145)Losing your Head(continued from page 112) holes in the streets. It's an analogy in which the open sewer is romance and the normal guy is you. What we're really talking about here is losing your head over a woman. And, alas, the ability to take a fall over and over without showing the scars and bruises is a learned skill, one we generally miss, because at the time we need that knowledge most, we're living in the suburbs of stupidity, head over heels for some dame. Which, by the way, isn't necessarily bad but is--necessarily--disorienting. And that's why we're all gathered here.

The First Alarm

Know the early-warning signals. The key to prevention, as they say, is early detection. After every date or encounter with the object of your fascination, check for the seven danger signals:

1. Elation. You are ecstatic. You can't believe someone as wonderful, beautiful, witty, whatever, actually seems to be attracted to you. It's amazing, it's incredible and, really, to everyone else, it's boring.

2. The critique. You replay the game tape. You can't believe the number of awkward, inappropriate and outright stupid things you said. You stand in front of the mirror; you see your hair the way she must have seen it and you look like an experimental vegetable, something in the tuber family. You wonder why strangers didn't stop you on the street and warn you that you looked hideous.

3. Apprehension. You thought everything went well. But let's say you have the following thought at one in the morning: You are certain that she liked you less this time than she did last time. By 1:15, you'll be convinced you'll never see her again, unless it's in the company of another man and with a cruel smirk on her face.

4. The Copernican fixation. Suddenly, you realize that she is at the center of everything you do and say. The books you buy are the books you think she thinks you ought to be reading; when you're with your pals, she's the constant topic of your lame conversation.

5. The Uri Geller spoon-bending syndrome. You watch doors and will her to walk through them; you stare at your telephone and demand that it ring.

6. The neediest case. You require an inordinate amount of reassurance, especially from her, the one person from whom you should never seek it.

7. Gender confusion. You act just like a girl. (See one through six.)

Is this you? If your behavior fits any of the categories above, you're in deep. Swim to the edge and get a grip.

Know where you're Going to Land

Know what you expect from a woman before you fall in love with her. If you simply hope that falling in love will make you feel better, or if you just want somebody to nurse you through the illness of life, you're going to be disappointed.

Condemned to repeat it: Unless you're reading Dad's copy of this magazine, you have a personal history that is littered with the remains of old romances, like a collection of secondhand piñatas. By now, you should be able to see a pattern of some sort. Whatever went wrong before will go wrong again, unless you watch your step and try to change the normal course these things have taken before.

What to Keep when you lose your Head

Sometimes love seems like something cooked up by the Chilean secret police; when you fall in love with a woman, you submit yourself to the emotional equivalent of a government experiment in pain and disorientation. When you check into the lab for testing, there's one crucial thing to remember: Hide your valuables. No matter what happens, make sure you put the following items in a safe place: your friends, your job, your bank account and your favorite hangout. If your romantic adventure doesn't work out, you'll mistakenly think that you have misplaced your self-esteem and your dignity In fact, you'll find both right where you left them before the whole mess started.

But forget about your common sense; you'll lose that first, and you won't get it back until much, much later.

Looking for Trouble

Love lurks in alleys and around blind corners, and, as a rule, you can be reasonably sure you'll never meet a woman in whom you may be interested in any of the predictable places. Nevertheless, here's what you can expect if you go out looking for trouble.

The five worst places to meet women:

1. Bars and taverns. The women you meet at bars will have their availability well upholstered with the soft edges of desperation. Only museums and supermarket frozen-food sections will offer such a wide range of truly lonely people. If you're a lonely guy yourself, then you already know that loneliness leaves you vulnerable; it's like a crippling ailment, one of which you hope somebody will quickly take advantage.

2. Personal ads. Sure, sure, everybody thinks of answering a personal ad sometime. It's an attractive proposition, because you figure any woman who has to humiliate herself to the extent of advertising her availability can't possibly reject you. Wrong.

3. Work. We're told over and over not to mess around with co-workers, and for good reason. When the romance is over, so is the job. You cannot function well in an office where one of your colleagues is a former mattress mate. And even if the two of you succeed in ignoring the situation, others won't. After all, most workplaces mass produce boredom as a by-product, and for everyone in the office, a failed affair will have the same compelling quality as a school-bus plunge or a prostitution bust. Don't defer the decision on this one. Make up your mind whether or not you think your prospective lover is worth your job.

Beyond all those considerations, remember that using seduction as a means of getting ahead is a unisex gambit, and many of the women you meet at work will come fitted with a scabbard containing a double-edged sword. An ambitious woman at work sees romance as a weapon.

On the other hand, where else is a busy chap going to meet somebody with whom he already has much in common? So, if you're determined to follow a bad hunch, here are some hot tips.

• At all costs, avoid relationships with women who are your immediate subordinates or over whom you exert any potential professional influence. The road to sexual-harassment hell is paved with ill-formed intentions.

• Get out. If you work for a large company and the romance gets serious, one of you should transfer to another division. If you work for a small business, one of you should look for another job.

• She's on top. The most sensible relationship is one with a woman who is your superior at work. The costs of high-risk romance are much easier for you to calculate if you're the one who's going to pay.

• Get it down. If you're going to get involved with the woman in the next cubicle, wait until the third date (see below) to discuss the inevitable complications; make sure she understands the consequences of the affair before you run the risk of screwing up your job.

4. School. If you're involved with somebody you met at school, it won't matter, because, despite what you think now, it won't last. Women turn into grownups sometime in their late 20s; men defer such postadolescent transformations until they reach their mid- or late 30s. As the new you evolves, the relationship will dissolve.

5. Police stations.

The Ten Best Places to Meet Women

If you're ready to get serious, here's a rundown of the ten best places to meet a woman.

1. In line. You're in good shape anyplace a queue has formed because of bureaucratic inefficiency--the motor-vehicles department or the bank, for example.

2. At fires. There's nothing like sharing the experience of watching your apartment building go up in flames to bring two neighbors a little closer together.

3. Hospitals are filled with women paid to care. The trick is to demote them to amateur status without a loss in the quality of their attention.

4. In restaurants. Waitresses are made to be wed. There is something compelling about a good-looking woman coming at you with food in her hands.

5. At weddings, but watch out for topical conversation.

6. At A.A. meetings.

7. On airplanes--but only if you're lucky. If the woman sitting next to you looks swell but couldn't outwit livestock, you're in for nonstop nonsense.

8. In churches or clubs. If you're involved with a woman you met at church, you probably aren't reading this, because you're afraid of going to hell. Churches, synagogues, clubs, coed gyms and professional organizations are swell places to meet potential mates. Like the people you meet at work, women you meet at clubs or in churches come with a ready supply of shared interests. But unlike those salary-threatening work liaisons, the only material thing you stand to lose is your dues-paying status.

9. At parties. Parties are great, the second-best place to meet a girl.

10. The best place to meet a woman is at the home of a mutual friend. It's a safe territory; you come well recommended, at least by association; and your mutual friends will tailor the conversation for you.

Here, Hold this Pie on your Face

It's important to distinguish love from infatuation and infatuation from lust.

Lust: We assume you know the difference between infatuation and lust, just as you presumably know the difference between your dick and your heart. If, for example, you look into her eyes when you talk to her, it's probably infatuation. If, on the other hand, you look down her blouse when you talk to her, it may well be lust. It's definitely lust if you push her head back and out of the way to get a better look.

While serious infatuation is usually the first step to long-term romance, lust is occasionally the first step to infatuation. If that happens, you can figure lust to last three months or so. After that, it's trouble. Nothing's uglier than lust beached and floundering on the shores of reality.

Lost in lust: Lust looks exactly like love; even an expert can't tell them apart, so be careful here. If you find yourself being pulled loins-first into an affair you think may be ill-advised, excuse yourself, go to the men's room and look at yourself in the mirror while you slowly count to 50. When you return to the source of the heat, try to imagine what she'd look like with food in her ears or peas in her nose or chow in the spaces between her teeth. Listen to what she's saying and pretend you have to listen to two hours of it every day for the rest of your life. Do anything you can to put the brakes on. We're all breeding fools, drowning in the deep end of the gene pool, and even the most savvy guy sometimes wakes up too late and wonders how his brains wound up in his briefs.

On the other hand, lust and infatuation make a mighty heady mix, a brew for two that will still taste sweet after three kids and a retirement cruise.

Availability

Respect a woman's private life. If she's wearing a wedding ring, don't come on like' some Ronco Romeo--you'll just look like a jerk. Some women, however, are on the confused cusp of availability, and a little conversational exploration is necessary. But don't get involved in an overproduced detective movie. If it seems that a dinner invitation won't be a social gaffe, then tender one. If you aren't sure, try for lunch.

Women who are available in Theory but not to you

Here's a short list of women who may be available, all right, but who will deliver a lot more trouble than you have bargained for.

• Your sister's best friend.

• Your boss's ex-wife.

• Your best friend's ex-girlfriend.

• Your ex-girlfriend's best friend.

• Any woman too young to remember the songs that were popular when you were in high school.

Date Design

A good date is just like a TV movie, in that it has a beginning, a middle and an end. Beyond that, each of the first three dates is a component of a unique sort of progression: If the first three dates go well, you're on the stairway to heaven. If they don't, you're in the subbasement and on the escalator down.

With that in mind, here's the bottom line up top. Keep a first date simple. This isn't grand opera you're plotting here, pal. Just plan a pleasant and unpretentious evening. Remember that the purpose of a first date is to confirm an initial attraction--on both sides, presumably--and to get to know each other, so build in a little flexibility and keep the whole thing casual.

Don't do anything that adds to the inherent discomfort of a first meeting. What we're talking about is something like dinner, maybe some dancing and a nightcap at a bar or a night club. What we're not talking about is a crowded schedule full of stops at every cool, quaint or chic bar you've ever heard of. Above all, a first date isn't a contest with sex as a prize.

Here are some other things to keep in mind.

• Plan ahead, but don't orchestrate the evening so tightly that you preclude any spontaneity.

• Comfort counts. Pick a place with which you are familiar and where you will feel somewhat in control. The best way to impress a first date is to be genuinely at ease. After all, the ultimate purpose of a good romance is a balance of mutually assured comfort.

• Separate yourselves from the crowd. Choose a restaurant that offers both the chance for conversation and the opportunity to do a little people watching. Save the more intimate venues for later dates.

• Sure, sure, you're interesting, but so is your date. Ask her a question and listen to her answer. Remark on her answer, then ask more questions. This is called conversation, and it's a powerful aphrodisiac. Any woman who matters will respond to a man who is genuinely interested in her interests. If you make a woman feel interesting, you've also made her feel somehow more attractive. And you've gone a long way toward making her think that you're interesting and attractive.

• If you really want to get the goods on a girl, schedule a substance-free date: no drinks, no drugs. And make it in midwinter, to eliminate all natural distractions. Just the two of you sitting there stark-naked from the neck up, listening carefully and speaking clearly.

• Don't seek reassurance. Not on a first date, not on a third date, not ever. Women can sniff out fear and insecurity. Keep yours well hidden for life.

• Avoid future shock. Don't discuss your dreams for a family and a picket-fence future. Don't talk about favorite baby names. If you feel you must talk about the future, ask her how she feels about the new tax regulations as they apply to IRAs and other independent pension plans.

• Don't ask her out for a second date before the first date is over (see below).

• Don't make a pass on a first date. This isn't a contest. A simple kiss--or even a handshake--will suffice. If she expects anything more, you'll be the first to know.

• When to ditch her: When you ask a woman to join you on a date, you're not volunteering for target practice. If your date is rude or gets uncontrollably drunk or starts giving you the all-women-are-victims-and-you're-an-oppressor lecture, take her home pronto. Never, ever abandon a date, no matter how obnoxious she becomes. Unless she specifically refuses to accompany you, you are obliged to take her back to where you found her.

• Be polite. Open that door, light that match, hold that chair, stand up, sit down. Courtly gestures and graceful manners are not optional. If you don't know the rules of etiquette, learn them. And by the way, modern men do these things not because we think women want us to (though functional intelligence and good manners are usually all it takes to get the girl of your dreams). It doesn't matter what women want. We follow the rules of etiquette because it's the right thing to do, and a modern man always tries to do what's right.

First-date analysis: By the end of the first date, you will have a well-developed impression not of who your date actually is but of who you fervently hope she may be. Try your best to separate the two, since any confusion you bring forward from this point on will only haunt you later.

A final first-date tip: The chances are, she'll never look better to you than she does after the first date.

The second date is a confirming circumstance in which your fantasy characterization will either hold water or not. Consequently, second dates should be casual and somewhat briefer than first dates. If she even comes close to meeting the expectations you projected during the first date, you'll find yourself in a state of militant euphoria after you drop her off. Cool down. Any willful self-deception at this point will come back to haunt you later.

And one other thing about second dates: They are as important to her as they are to you. She's not sitting there with you because there's nothing good on TV. Now is your chance to use all that body-lingo garbage you've been reading in women's magazines. Watch for dilated pupils, excessive laughter at your lamest one-liners, presenting behavior--lots of breast thrusting, preening and leaning into your conversation--and touching. Especially touching.

The third date is crucial. If your third date goes well, you're a goner. On the basis of knowing a woman for only a few hours, you'll have made a significant emotional investment. You will have given someone you barely know an enormous amount of power over the happiness in your life. Consequently, a good third date can last for months, even years.

Conversely, it can also plant the seeds of the romance's destruction. Look at the danger signals. How much objectivity can you muster? After all, those assumptions you made about her on the first, second and third dates may all be wrong, something you'll find out much, much later.

The First Breakfast Date

It's a classic mistake to confuse sex with love. You'll know the difference between fucking and making love when it happens. Until then, you can assume that sex has no intrinsic meaning for her or for you.

Your place or hers? If your first over-nighter occurs at her place, you're still on probation. You'll see the museum of her life, but only the exhibits she has selected for public viewing: Everything is there for a reason. If some other guy's raincoat is on a coat hook, she knows it and she knows what it means to you.

On the other hand, when she decides that she wants to be with you on your turf, she's exhibiting a meaningful measure of trust. If you stay at her place, you'll be expected to leave in the morning. If she stays at your place, she'll expect to stay forever.

Moving in: A woman moves in figuratively long before she shows up with the extra stereo. Women come with a congenital ability to seduce with domestic subtlety. Suddenly, your home life is decorated with all the ornaments of comfort--socks are dispatched to drawers, maybe, or there's a sudden defoliation of the refrigerator. That first hopeful fantasy of a life of home-grown comfort starts to become a reality, and pretty soon, you'd rather not live at all than live without it.

A Final Reminder

There is an objective world out there, and you should try to visit it as often as possible, especially when you're falling in love. Try to bear in mind, for example, that there is no universal standard of beauty, and no matter how good-looking your sweetie is to you, to somebody else, she's so-so at best. In your infatuated, druglike state, she's the most talented, the most intelligent, the funniest, most sensitive woman on the planet. To your pals out there, she's just some girl laboring under your squidlike preoccupation. In fact, to them, frankly, she's your problem, not theirs.