By Golf Possessed

I walk onto a golf course ... and so many things go through my head—keep your eyes on the back of the ball and don't move your head until the ball is gone, and keep your grip real light, like you're holding a tube of tooth paste with the cap off. Make a full shoulder turn, but don't forget to turn your hips and get that left knee behind the ball and that left heel off the ground.... Make a good swing, inside out, full extension of the arms, a big arc; don't try to bash the ball, just swing and the club will do the work. And don't forget to fucking relax! —From Willie, an Autobiography, by Willie Nelson with Bud Shrake

It is not too likely that I will be playing golf very often.... If I do play, I will generally go to clubs which do not allow photographs to be taken.... Also, with regard to the golf routine, in the future, will you instruct the Secret Service that I do not want any caddies; I prefer to play with a cart, without caddies, and that only one Secret Service cart travel with me and everybody else out of sight. —Memo from Richard Nixon to H. R. Haldeman, cited in From: the President, Richard Nixon's Secret Files

Think of it. On the one hand, you have Mr. On-the-Road-Again, whom we imagine to subsist on Jack Daniel's and guitar picks but who turns out to be the owner of the Pedernales Country Club and the cosponsor of a celebrity proam. On the other hand, you have Tricky Dick, up to his ass in Presidential paranoia, picking golf as the primary agenda item in a 1969 memo. Both men are clear examples of the egalitarian nature of golf obsession. These guys can barely exist on the same continent, but match them in a foursome and friendly banter would spontaneously erupt: "All right, that'll play." "What'd ya hit?" "It'll break left to right." "Take a mulligan."

Perhaps that's why golf is experiencing such an extraordinary boom just now and why Playboy editors have been spending unconscionable amounts of office time testing new putters on plastic-foam greens, undertaking swing analysis on the editorial broadloom and menacing fellow workers with whiffle golf balls. We've been trying to cram the celebrity golfers, the reams of advice, the tricky arc of the swing, the sheer tons of golf stuff into a special section on the obsessive wonderfulness of golfing. There's (text concluded on page 155) By Golf Possessed (continued from page 120) something in the game for everybody.

Take Messrs. Nelson and Nixon. You can think of them as the angel and the Devil of golf; Nelson represents all that is easy and carefree in the game (wide fairways, pool-table greens, unobstructed par-threes), while Nixon embodies the game's dark heart (pot bunkers, blind approaches, water holes, the yips). All of the above—the good and the bad—are critical to the game's allure. The joy of golf is dependent on the terror of golf for meaning; a birdie is terrific only because a triple bogey is loathsome. Of such stark contrasts is fixation born. Thatis especially the case in a sport whose standard—the par—is regularly attainable by only a skilled few.

Of course, the achievement of par over 18 holes isn't the only way to enjoy the game. The pleasures of the game have more to do with your nerve and enthusiasm than with your technical ability. When you let your mind run on it a bit, there is much to the comparison between golf and that other magnificent obsession: sex. Consider the words on which the sport is built: swinging, strokes, balls, holes, shafts. Then there's our favorite bit of putting advice: Never up, never in. Visit a golf show or a pro shop and the sheer kinky variety of equipment (have you seen Orville Moody's 52-inch putter?) will convince you that it is a game for fetishists—and each a unique fetishist with different body mechanics, musculature and psyche. As a result, no two golfers will ever play a course the same way, nor can an individual replicate even his own swing with machinelike precision.

The intense individuality of the game makes golf teaching, in the standard sense of the word, impossible. All you can hope for from a pro is that he'll make suggestions that you can somehow internalize into the million small decisions and movements that make up your own, irreproducible golf swing. When you step onto the tee, you're on your own. More fodder for obsession.

For all of the game's stubborn unpredictability, there are a few things you can count on. One is companionship. You may have to hit the ball by yourself, but there will always be three guys around to laugh at, or admire, the arc of the driver. Golfers travel in packs divisible by four, a handy social unit for Boys' Day Out, which, after quantities of clubhouse beer and phone calls home, can naturally transform itself into Boys' Night Out, or even Boys' Week Touring the Great Golf Courses of Scotland. And then? Hell, a house on a golf course is one of the hottest real-estate deals going. Think of it as an investment.

When single-minded obsessions reach the brick, mortar and mortgage phase, you know you're really, pardon the expression, hooked. And as you chart your progress in this headlong rush, we offer these pages for guidance—distance markers on the great fairway of your golfing life.

Back to Dick Nixon for a moment. You think a sharp operator like him would just allow Watergate secrets to leak all over Washington like a faulty fairway sprinkler? Forget it. If you wonder who Deep Throat was, look among Nixon's regular golf partners. The golfer-packed Senate threatened impeachment, Nixon resigned and was pardoned by another golfer. The Commander in Chief was probably just looking for better tee times.

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Tapes that tee us off a comparative guide to golf's instructional videos

Famous people who probably would give it all up for golf

Kathleen Sullivan

Michael Jordan

Bill Laimbeer

Mario Lemieux

Tommy Lee

Dr. J. Huey Lewis

Famous people who probably should give it all up for golf

Pat Boone

Alan Alda

Bob Hope

Bob Eubanks

Monty Hall

Gary Carter

Dan Quayle

How to bet on golf

Best ball: The foursome divides itself into two teams. Each player shoots his own ball, but the team uses the position of its best shot for the following shot, and so on, until the putt drops—and that's the score for the hole. Best ball usually results in under-par shooting.

Nassaus: You bet $5, $10, $20 per hole, winner takes all. You can add automatic extra bets ("presses") along the way. For example, a two-press means that if you've lost (or won) two holes in a row, another bet automatically starts with the next hole—but the original bet continues. You can have many bets running at once. You tally everything after the first nine holes and start new bets, usually a higher amount per hole, on the back nine.

Fewest putts: You make the fewest over-all putts through 18, you win.

Junks: Junks are just automatic bets that are on when particular ball positions come into play. For example, there are greenies and sandies. A greenie is when you land on the green in one stroke from the tee on a par three. You can make money from each of your partners if you complete a birdie or par and no one else does. If another player birdies or pars, the bet is carried over to the next par-three hole and will keep being carried until someone wins. If all four players get onto the par-three green in two or more shots, no bet; someone has to be on in one. A sandie is when you par the hole after hitting from a sand shot.

One ball: The teams use only one ball and alternate shots. What makes it interesting are the teams: pro–amateur, father–son, member–caddie.

Remorseful golf: Remember when someone in your foursome holed out a 30-foot chip from the rough under a tree—for a birdie? In this game, each player reshoots four shots, usually those the others feel were pure luck.

String: Each player gets a piece of string. The length equals one foot for each handicap stroke. A 12 handicap gets 12 feet. The player can use the string to advance the ball, cutting off the length used each time. You can string a ball instead of putt it, or move it from a bad lie. When you're out of string, you're on your own.

Diff'rent Strokesif you follow every piece of advice of each of the game's great players, you'll golf as goofy as we do