The Thinking Man's Guide to Living with Women

Here's the cheerful history of mankind on a personal scale: the big bang, toilet training, cowboys and Indians, little league, body hair, work and girls. Then you discover the facts behind religion.

The mileposts of our lives pass, for the most part, without much notice. But between girls and death, there's a world of trouble. This passage is the subject of great reflection by most men, and rightly so. If life is a carnival, love is a house of mirrors. There are mirrors here to make you look fat and mirrors to make you look small and someplace a mirror to tell you that you aren't alone, that suddenly there's somebody else in the picture--a woman. First you see her here, then you see her there. Then, one day, you see her everywhere--reflected in the bathroom mirror, the paraphernalia of her gender claiming all your counter and closet space. Where once you were a bachelor, now you're not. A woman moved in. She is Germany, you are Poland.

Now you're caught in a situation that will lead, step by step, to a happy ending. Or to hell.

How She Got There

Cohabitation is not an act of God. Like LEDs and Lancias and many other things that we find attractive but that do not occur in nature, cohabitation is a phenomenon of our own invention. Hence, in viewing the intricacies of live-in love, there are two things you should always keep in mind:

1. Women are hallucinogenic: For men. crippled with an inability to see past the love that beats in their briefs, reality in romance is highly elusive. When you meet a more or less appropriate woman, you look at her and say to yourself, "This is the girl for me." You forget that you're considering the amazing length of her leg. the waspish tuck of her waist, the cleavage that looks like the entrance to a major recreation area. To you. these hold the promise of home comforts or boon companionship or decent breeding stock. You think it's the real thing--something so real, in fact, you just have to go to bed with it. So while you were saying, "This is the girl for me." what you really meant was, "Nice girl, see you around, bye." When women say men are jerks, sometimes they're right.

2. Women play for keeps: Women, on the other hand, don't fool around. They know that the presentation tape most men play to reveal the story of their lives runs eight hours or so. An interested woman will wait patiently through this gaseous epic and watch closely and sometimes listen. During this moment out of time, while the guy's tedious life story is going full tilt, women--then and there--decide whether they're serious or not. If they're serious, they go to bed with the guy; if they're not, they still may go to bed with the guy but will wonder why. Because if they're serious, the first date is the start of a much longer adventure.

So while, for a man. the entire episode may come to a close before breakfast, for a woman, it's just beginning.

She's an Expert

She knows something you don't. In addition to the natural inclinations and instinctive skills provided in the Maker's gender-option kit, your new significant other has surrounded herself with the lore of relationships since the first bloom of her sentience. Most of what she reads, sees on TV, talks with her friends about--in fact, much of what she feels and thinks--impinges to one degree or another on her relationships with others. She is much more aware than you are of the subtleties of romances and friendships. Moreover, she has lived a life secure in the infallible belief that sooner or later, she will be involved in a committed relationship, probably the wedded sort. This is not to say that women are out to trap men into marriage or anything like that. It's just that a reliable relationship is part of the context of her future, something she expects for herself.

You, meanwhile, have been toying with the implications of upper-body strength and the heretical rules of American League baseball and the laws that govern the DNA-like helixes of career paths.

The result: At relationships, she's an expert and you're an amateur. And thus it will always be. Sure, as a man about town, you may have a way with babes, but once you start cooking off the same gas meter, you're a raw recruit, a buck private, a stupid conscript in a two-man popular front for domestic bliss.

When to Share Real Estate

Once upon a time, you could get a girl to go steady by giving her a large, cheap Mexican ring, something lionlike with a red rhinestone in one eye. She'd wrap it in Angora and wear it around her neck to show the world she was yours, by heck. No more. These days, serious dating is a form of temporary matrimony.

If you're deeply in love with the incredible mother of your unborn child, cohabitation is likely to seem a logical move, and nothing anybody can say will sway you. Sometimes, though, you may find yourself involved with some woman who, while possessing appreciable traits, falls somewhat shy of dream-girl status. How do you know when to make the move? And what should you watch out for?

• Don't move in with her for any practical reason. Don't, for example, move in with a woman you're dating because her apartment is closer to work or because your lease is expiring. And. conversely ...

• Don't shelter the homeless. Don't allow her to move into your digs because she has no other place to go. Avoid a situation in which cohabitation is simply a way to avoid a passing hassle. Eventually, you'll reap lots more trouble than you bargained for.

• Don't move out in order to move in. Keep your flanks clear for a quick retreat. Cohabitation, after all, has many of the characteristics of marriage, and in some cities--New York, for example, where a long-term lease has more value than a short-term romance--it's far easier to find a divorce lawyer than a new apartment. It follows, then, that ...

• If possible, make it your place instead of hers. Children can create an exception to this rule, however. If she has kids and she is well settled, don't invite turmoil by uprooting her family.

• Don't invite (continued on page 84)LivingwithWomen(continued from page 80) failure. Examine the financial and emotional costs of cohabitation. Romance can cloud clear thought; don't assume that everything will work out if the two of you can only be together. In fact, nothing will work out without great effort, and new problems will occur without warning.

• Don't fight over decor. No matter who moves in with whom, if the look of where you live is important to you, keep one room--even a common room, such as a dining room or a bedroom--to yourself. Don't expect more than one room, however, as women tend to become household imperialists, colonizing every room as a matter of right.

House Rules

The rules you live by as an unmarried couple can differ substantially from those you might follow if you were married. For example, if you marry a woman, you may decide you have an obligation to support her in domestic splendor if she chooses not to work. But if you're living with someone who is, perhaps, only a long-running date, decide in advance who pays for what and who does what. Put it in writing.

No matter what the nature of your entanglement, though, some rules are always in order--commonplace stuff, really, such as conventional etiquette and all that. Remember, even if she moves into your place, it's her home, too, and you're intruding on her as much as she's intruding on you.

What Happened to Your Socks

We'll assume here that you have become involved with a woman, and she has decided to become involved with your real estate, rather than the other way around. With that in mind, we can look at a few of the changes that take place when you allow women into your cage.

• How to find your socks: They're in the drawer, where she thinks they're supposed to be. You may have had them in a drawer already, but it wasn't the right drawer. Only she knows which drawer is the right drawer, and it's never the one you think is the right drawer.

Don't take it personally. The order you've imposed on your corner of the cosmos is not the same as the order she wants to impose on it. So pots and socks move around; a chair appears; a cat comes or goes; the bathroom, once a chapel of quiet contemplation, becomes a temple of superficial maintenance, crowded with lotions and creams. Suddenly, you will find you own Q-tips.

• Women's favorite topics of conversation: Sit up straight. Mind your manners. Don't stay out late. Eat this. Stop smoking that. When will you grow up?

• Long-distance conversations: Women prefer conducting conversations while occupying a room other than the one you occupy. When you hear your name called, you will be expected to stop doing whatever you're doing, walk into the room in which she is sitting, listen to her and respond. You will then be free to go back to whatever you were doing.

Affecting deafness has been known to cure this long-distance bellowing.

• Mom talk: From time to time, the woman with whom you are living will address you in sharp and condescending tones, similar to those used by women newscasters and by moms when they wish to bring unruly ten-year-olds back into line. This has less to do with you personally than it does with women's lifelong mission to keep the male of the species from going astray.

What Makes Women Really Mad

Women are burdened with the unshakable suspicion that deep down we're all bad boys. This conviction explains much female behavior and, consequently, can help us gain a little self-knowledge.

For instance, we are conditioned to assume the worst about ourselves. Most of us lived with Mom for a while, so we all know what's number one on our agenda: Do anything you can to stay out of trouble. That doesn't mean you can't get into trouble, cause trouble, laugh at trouble or say that trouble is your middle name. Just don't get caught. Staying out of trouble means you don't get yelled at or put on probation or sent to your room--or, worse, to a motel room.

Mostly, the things that cause women to get mad at men are things that probably didn't or wouldn't take place but might. Men know this and it makes them feel guilty--even when they haven't really done anything. As a consequence, men have given women the moral edge and must, if they want to avoid conflict, act in such a way as to not cause suspicion. Phone home frequently. Avoid unexplained absences. Don't change your socks twice in one day. Remember: You can trigger an argument simply by varying your daily routine. Sometimes it's worth the fight.

Anger and Guilt

Women can get mad just thinking about how bad men are. This anger has social implications, and it can also have personal ones.

To successfully live with a woman, you must meet her expectations of your guilt without exceeding them. If you are insufficiently guilty, you will be suspect. If you are exceptionally guilty, you will be condemned.

Presumed guilty: In family court, men are presumed guilty--even by other men--and women are presumed innocent, especially by other women. In fact, one of the reasons men try hard to stay out of trouble is that they themselves presume they must be guilty. Why else would women be yelling at them all the time? This presumption of guilt is what makes judges toss the jerks who don't pay their child support into the clink for contempt, while turning a blind eye to the women who deny court-ordered visitation rights.

Just do it

It is essential that you conduct your daily life without explanation or apology. Assuming that you are trying your best to live up to your commitments and responsibilities, you are right to react angrily to constant demands for explanations. Occasionally, women will mask these demands as a request for "communication," but don't be fooled.

Lubrication

Are we not men? Do we not have an instinctive understanding of the physics of machinery? Can we not, given sufficient time, figure out how almost anything works?

As it is with VCRs, so it is with marriages and other varieties of life with women. Look at the parts: Let's see, there's you. And there's her. And there's a shared dwelling. Three parts, only two of them movable. In theory, a live-in relationship should be a masterpiece of modern technology.

But no. First off, there's the entire world of maintenance. Remember how well the machine ran when it was new? One reason for that was proper lubrication. And almost anybody can tell you that courtesy and good manners are the civilizing ointments a live-in romance needs. Did you buy her flowers before she moved in? Then you can't let up. When you dated her, did you stand up like a gentleman when she approached the table? Then on your feet, Buster. If you courted her before you won her, you must continue to court her after you've won her. She is, after all, your girlfriend, even if you marry her and she hangs around for a lifetime. And good manners are as important in private as they are in public. (continued on page 140)LivingwithWomen(continued from page 84)

Speech and Silence

Conversation provides the locomotive power for most relationships. It must be assumed that you had something in common before you started sharing the TV. So talk with her. Better yet, listen to her.

But remember: You have the right to remain silent. You don't have to spill your guts all over the kitchen floor every night after work. This is your home, not the set of Oprah.

Everybody likes a little reassurance now and then, but don't make your girlfriend do heavy lifting by trying to boost your sagging self-esteem. Remember, she's your lover, not your shrink.

Feelings, nothing more than Feelings

Just as bad money drives out good, so bad emotions drive out worthy ones.

Jealousy is a decent emotion, a sort of barometer of investment. Kept in perspective, it both reassures and comforts. Nurture it, though, and it grows like a radioactive rodent and eats you alive in the night. If groundless jealousy has gotten the best of you, there's something else wrong--likely some weirdness you're cultivating--and you're ignoring it. If you have grounds for jealousy, then you have grounds for a confrontation.

Anger is our friend. Shake hands with your temper and get to know it well enough to control it if you quarrel with your lover. Letting off a little steam isn't always a bad thing (but see below). However, if the only way you can manifest anger is physically, then get help.

Depression: Every now and then, you or your lover will wake up to the existential cancer that gnaws at all of us. You become sullen and sore and really unpleasant company. When a woman does this, you'll feel somehow responsible. You're not. You can't make someone else happy. Period.

If your lover is unhappy, let her solve her own problem. The best way to deal with the unhappiness of your partner is to offer a good ear and almost no advice. Or get out of the way. Don't always volunteer to take it personally. Life's a bitch.

Rules of Combat

Some simple battle plans:

• Don't go blindly into battle. Fighting, after all, is not worth while unless you are clear about what you wish to gain.

• Cloak yourself in dignity and reason with a sense of law. Don't raise your voice except to steer the argument in a reasonable direction. State as often as necessary the issue being argued; make sure you're fighting about the right thing and not about some silly misdemeanor. Men do pretty well at logic, while women do better at intuition. Therefore, when you fight, your job is not only to argue your case but also, in a way, to help her argue hers. Listen to what she has to say.

• Don't bother refuting every point. This isn't a debate, it's a fight. Facts will get you nowhere. Emotional dexterity is all. That's why she stands a good chance of winning any given argument. Fortunately ...

• Fights aren't about winning. They're like nuclear war, complete with mutually assured destruction if things escalate too far. So, at the first opportunity, you should turn the fight into a conversation, then guide it to a resolution that will involve a mutual compromise. What's the point of winning, anyway? Most relationships have only one or two nonnegotiable points--having children, maybe, and fidelity, probably. After that, who cares, really? Give in whenever you feel it is just and right, and don't if you think doing so will endanger your relationship.

• Don't hit. Ever. No matter what.

Sex

Fighting is often what you do when you're too tired for sex. Do not confuse them. They only look and sound the same.

Don't leave all the responsibilities of romance to her. You owe it to yourself and to your lover to try to make some sexual encounters more electric than others. Make it a point to talk about sex every now and then; create expectations and allow for a little drama.

Frequency: Sex has long been a source of fascination for statisticians, who, after all, probably have a limited sex life, anyway. But the numerical value of sexual frequency has a quality that beguiles us all, since it tells us how we're doing.

Once Dan Rather was beaten up on the street by two strangers who kept asking, "Kenneth, what is the frequency? Kenneth, what is the frequency?" Rather was unable to come up with the answer: 2.4 times per week, though that .4 will probably come up as often as the two. Don't worry about it. You'll know instantly if your frequency should be lower or if you should be aiming for something truly supersonic.

Privacy

• Line of sight: You're in for big trouble if you find that you have to keep your eye on your sweetie simply because there's no place else to look. Insist on privacy when you need it, and don't intrude on hers.

• Separate but equal: Use privacy in your home to enhance your individuality. If your partner doesn't demand much privacy, give her more than she asks for.

• Bathroom etiquette: Don't try to become as one in the bathroom. One at a time; don't allow her to shit while you shave.

Housework

Careful here. Part of the deal with which you were seduced involved all that domestic-bliss action, remember? All those wonderful visions of hot dinners served on a clean table?

• Born to be a bachelor: If it turns out that the price you pay for domestic bliss is heavy housework, make your bargain with clear vision. If part of your domestic routine involved cleaning kitchens and the like before she moved in, then you're bound to do your part thereafter. But if you were always sloppy and liked it, stay that way. The limit here, of course, is one of consideration: If you were born a slob, don't take advantage of your birthright.

• The exception: the trash. Men were born to take out the trash. Figuratively, literally.

Time to move on

When you live with a woman, you are on a date that has no goodnight kiss, no clammy front-door handshake. But it's only a date. There are always other options--other places to live, other people to live with. When it's time to move on, the exit signs are obvious: You resent her presence and look forward to her absences and abhor the sound of her voice and marvel that she ever looked good enough to make you make a fool of yourself.

On the other hand, if you've been judicious in your choice of live-in lover, you just may want to alter the relationship slightly. In fact, you just may want to marry her.

"When you dated her, did you stand up like a gentleman when she approached? Then on your feet, Buster."

"Emotional dexterity is all. That's why she stands a good chance of winning any argument. Fortunately ..."