College Women talk about Campus Sex

The Fiercest Battles in the sexual revolution were waged on college campuses nearly 25 years ago. We decided to return to the front and see what effect, if any, the new, more conservative climate, has had on, campus sex. With risks far greater than "Will you respect me in the morning?" is there such a thing as hot and healthy sex? This time, we decided to go directly to the students. No surveys, no statistics, no charts or graphs--just real, live people full of contradictions, experiences and attitudes.

To find a suitable cross section of small-towners and urbanites, we headed for the heartland and a public school that attracts students from all over the country, along with the local crop. We selected the University of Wisconsin's idyllic lake-front campus in Madison because it is as renowned for the quality of its education as it is for the quality of its parties.

"Can you talk about sex? Playboy wants to know how undergrads feel about sex on campus." That's how our ad began in the Daily Cardinal, a student newspaper. It specified that we were interested in all points of view. We hired a campus coordinator to screen via telephone those who responded to ensure inclusion of sophomores, juniors and seniors, sorority members and independents, apartment and dorm dwellers, urbanites and small-towners and the gamut of family backgrounds. We asked about their reactions to the sexual scene around them so that we could bring you the beginners and the traditionalists, as well as the warriors, from the sexual frontier.

On a Friday night in a large hotel suite overlooking the state capital, six attractive young women arrived and were greeted by the panel moderator, sociologist Dr. Janet Lever, and Playboy Associate Editor Barbara Nellis. The only other person in the room was a woman sound engineer. It was a girls' night, from start to finish.

The women included the following:

Gail, 21, a senior from a Chicago suburb. Smart, sassy and cute, with dark curly hair. Independent and self-supporting, she lives in an apartment. She has opted for a temporary commitment to a "nice guy" to escape the meat market; her fear of AIDS helps sustain an "easygoing" relationship in which sex is satisfying though not exciting.

Lynn, 19, a sophomore from a town in Minnesota. Quiet and tall, with straight blonde hair and a Lutheran upbringing. In a celibate holding pattern while she lets one guy chase her until she catches him. She'd like him to pick up the pace.

Emily, 19, a sophomore from a small town of 12,000 in northern Illinois, now living in a co-op. Her bright-yellow blouse suited her sexually aggressive style. Admittedly hardened and self-protective, she believes she uses men before they can use her.

Debbie, 19, a sophomore from Wisconsin. A latterday flower child. Warm, adventurous, sexually experimental. Dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, with no make-up. She's in an open relationship with a smooth Romeo who, she knows, sleeps with just one other woman...or so she thinks.

Nicki, 20, a junior from a suburb of Minneapolis, a sorority sister who lives off campus in an apartment with four other women. Blonde, dressed in a smart black jacket, self-described as "mad as hell and not going to take it anymore." Feeling used and powerless, she is on sabbatical from sex until she can figure out how to be more self-protective.

Carolyn, 20, a junior from another Chicago suburb, a roommate of Nicki's but a member of a rival sorority. Classically beautiful and an economics major, Carolyn is bewildered by a social system she finds degrading to women. She is stuck on a guy who, she says, mistreats her. Vulnerable, an "accident waiting to happen"; as you will see, there are lots of Carolyns on campus.

[Q] Playboy: Are you in a relationship now?

[A] Carolyn: Right now, I am dating someone. He was dating this other girl while I was dating him, and he was lying about it. I'm, like, this most naïve girl. I just totally believe it when he says, "Trust me this time. Everything is going to be different." If something bad happens, I'll be seriously devastated.

[A] Nicki: I don't even know how to describe my current situation. I went out with a guy for about three and a half years, on and off. That started out in high school. He just didn't give me the time of day and I put up with that for a long time. When we weren't going out, I'd go for the exact same type of guy. This year, I've been meeting guys and they'll call and that's the last I'll hear of them. There's three guys who have called me, twice each, but they never ask me to do anything.

[A] Gail: I've been seeing someone for about sixteen months. I met him shooting a game of pool and the rest is history.

[Q] Playboy: Did you let him win?

[A] Gail: Let him win? He whipped my butt two games in a row. Anyway, I broke up with him--well, in words, not action--at the beginning of the school year because he couldn't understand my having friends who were guys. He's finally getting to (continued on page 88)College Women(continued from page 72) understand that I'm allowed to have guy friends and hang out with them. So I guess we're "committed" again [grimaces].

[A] Lynn: I'm not currently seeing anybody, but I am in hot pursuit.

[Q] Playboy: Does he know you're in hot pursuit?

[A] Lynn: I think it's kind of mutual, but he's just moving really slowly.

[Q] Playboy: Do you feel funny about calling him?

[A] Lynn: Well, I don't want to, but then again, I'm not going to totally stop and wait, because I'd just lose the momentum that we're building.

[A] Emily: I have not really been involved with anybody for a long time. It's hard for me to start now, because I don't know how to go about having a relationship. I'm kind of insecure about myself. I'm backing away, but then the other side of me is saying go for it. At the beginning of the year, I ruined something that was getting started at the end of last year. It was totally my fault. It's up to me to call him and let him know I'm sorry.

[A] Debbie: Well, I'm with a guy I've been close friends with for about four years. Last year, we started getting more intimate with each other. We both are free to see other people. He's gota girlfriend right now and I'm not currently seeing anyone else. We talk about other people we sleep with, and it's really great that we can be so open with each other. I just love it, because I know how this one guy feels; he's real honest with me. If I'm in a relationship where a guy cheats on me--and I have had those--that's when I get really upset. But if seeing others is OK for him, it's damn well going to be OK for me, too, as long as that's understood in the beginning.

[Q] Playboy: Does anyone actually date any more?

[A] Gail: I don't think I've ever gone on a date. We always just sort of hung out. That was it. People ask, "Are you seeing each other? Are you dating?" Both of us say, "No, we're just hanging out."

[A] Carolyn: I say dating, but I don't mean it.

[A] Nicki: I can't remember the last time I met somebody who called me, came to my house and took me to a movie. I mean, there's almost zero exclusive time at the beginning of a relationship.

[Q] Playboy: So you "hang out"; maybe you're friends, maybe there's more. How do you let somebody know that you want romance, that if he comes on to you, he won't be rebuffed?

[A] Nicki: See, you meet each other on a flirty basis. They're obviously attracted to you and they come up to talk to you, but from that point on, you don't know what is right and what is wrong. It's the biggest puzzle to figure out. If you do one thing that in their eyes is not what they want, you're blown off.

[Q] Playboy: Then how do you know if you're going to see somebody again?

[A] Nicki: You don't. It's just a big game. My sister advised me, "Don't put up with games. Just do what you want to do. If you want to talk to him, just call him." That's what I'm trying to do this year.

[Q] Playboy: When you meet a guy, what do you look for?

[A] Lynn: Intelligence.

[Q] Playboy: Looks?

[A] All: Yes. Yes.

[A] Gail: The first thing you notice is his looks. There are times when you say, "Oh, my God, he's really good-looking," but it's so disappointing so much of the time. He turns out to be dumber than a rock. I went through a stage where I saw a lot of good-looking, dumber-than-rock guys, then I met the guy I've been going out with since. And he's not a Greek god. Somehow, it didn't really matter, because it was comfortable and easy.

[Q] Playboy: Do you rate bodies?

[A] All: Yes.

[A] Debbie: My guy has the best kind. He's kind of short, with nice broad shoulders and a little, teeny, tiny waist.

[Q] Playboy: What about honesty? Debbie, do you think your boyfriend is being honest with his other girlfriend?

[A] Debbie: I don't know. He's usually not as open with other girls.

[A] Nicki: I've heard and seen every trick in the book from guys.

[Q] Playboy: What kind of tricks?

[A] Nicki: I've heard the dumbest lines and lines that make me want to fall for them. I'll give an example. I was at a fraternity party and there was a girl who was holding something. This guy says, "Here, let me go put that up in my room for you." She says, "Oh, OK." He tells her, "Yeah, I'll just get it for you at the end of the night." You know, she's a freshman. It was her first party. My God. After being here, you learn about offers like that. This year, I'm not going to be taken in by guys who are out to scam for one night.

[A] Carolyn: Guys say the stupidest things, like, "Why don't we go to another bar?" You know, like, leave your friends. That's so obvious.

[A] Gail: But it's usually after you meet some-one who really interests you: He pops the line and you fall for it.

[A] Carolyn: Yeah, you get suckered in.

[Q] Playboy: Do you know guys who complain about girls who do these same things?

[A] Gail: Absolutely. As much as we don't want to admit it, women do exactly the same things guys do, in their own way. You can't tell me that none of us has ever walked into a bar and thought, I really want to meet a guy tonight. I mean, why do we go out and put on make-up and perfume and wear our best clothes and try to look so cute if we're just going out to be with our girlfriends?

[Q] Playboy: What are you looking for on that kind of night? To meet somebody and get to know him better, or are you looking for someone to sleep with for a night?

[A] Gail: Girls, when they go out and get dressed up nice, are expecting something to come of it. I personally do not want to meet a guy and just sleep with him and never see him again, but guys are perfectly happy with that. I've heard a lot of guys say, "I don't want to pick up a girl in a bar or meet her at a party when she's drinking." They think, God, she'd be a slut if she came with me. That's their big test. If you fall into their trap, then you're out of the picture.

[Q] Playboy: Are you saying that a lot of your friends do fall for it, though?

[A] All: Oh, yes, yes.

[A] Gail: I think girls are stupid. Stupid, stupid. See, we can all sit around this table and be completely sober, but if you started us drinking now and in two hours talked with us after we'd slammed pitchers, like you would in a bar, I bet our attitudes would be different. I drank a lot in my freshman and sophomore years and I slept with guys I'd just met. I mean, I once met a guy in the afternoon, slept with him that afternoon, didn't even see him that night, never saw him again. He called me a year later, obviously thinking, I remember this girl in Madison. She was a good time.

[A] Carolyn: So typical.

[A] Gail: Yes, but it's just sick. Of course, it was my own fault. He was in my room. He was in my territory. I knew it was going to happen as well as he did, but I didn't do anything to stop it.

[Q] Playboy: When you first leave home, how do you know how to manage your own social life unless you make mistakes?

[A] Nicki: But do you know how long that learning process is? I swear it's like two years. It's a hell of a long time to be doing things that make you feel bad about yourself. I'm so sick of dealing with the way guys treat girls. They get off (continued on page 120)College Women(continued from page 88) scot-free because it's the girl who gets the reputation, not the guy. I'm not saying that there aren't guys out there who are good, but I'm so sick of getting down on myself for falling into traps. I'm not going to take it anymore.

[A] Gail: And what are your chances of getting some sort of disease in those two years? It's not a joke. I was a virgin when I graduated from high school, and before I came to college, a friend of my mom's said, "There are a lot of sexual diseases on campus." I said, "Well, thank you. Nice send-off."

[A] Nicki: My grandpa sends me articles about AIDS and I just look at them and think, That's in another part of the country, not here.

[Q] Playboy: What do the rest of you think when you read about AIDS?

[A] Gail: I think I'm not going to break up with my boyfriend and start going out with random guys, like I used to. But if I do break up with my boyfriend, my judgment is going to be very different than it was when I was younger and just having a good time. When you first start having sex, it's a game. Sex is a toy. It's something new to play with [laughs], in a manner of speaking. First you're curious, then the reality settles in. I have friends who have gotten chlamydia. It's not a joke anymore.

[Q] Playboy: Do you have more oral sex now because it seems less dangerous than intercourse, or do you have less oral sex because everything seems more dangerous?

[A] Gail: There's still less of it. I mean, how many people go out for one-night stands and end up giving a guy a blow job, because what are you going to get in return? No, I don't think it's more.

[A] Nicki: I think there's a lot more oral sex. I've had one-night stands like that four times, since I've gotten to the point where I refuse to have sex with people I don't know.

[Q] Playboy: Do you decide not to have sex because it's not meaningful or because your partner may have a disease?

[A] Nicki: Because I don't want to get rejected again.

[A] Debbie: I would have intercourse before a would do oral sex. That, for me, is much more intimate.

[A] Emily: With my first and only steady boyfriend in high school, we had oral sex as an alternative, because he didn't think I was ready for sex. I didn't think I was ready for it, either, so we did oral sex. After a couple of months, we really enjoyed it. Then we had sex, so I'm just saying that oral sex came first.

[A] Debbie: I like performing oral sex. I feel comfortable doing it. I won't do it with a pickup, but for someone I know really well, it's my way of showing how much I care about him, because I know it's really pleasurable for a man. A lot of men like to have blow jobs because they don't have to worry about their performance that way. They can just lie back and let you do something to them for a change, and I like that. I don't like to always be the one who's just lying there, going, "Do it to me, baby." I want to make him feel good, too. I feel that I enjoy sex a lot more if I get a chance to be on top once in a while.

[Q] Playboy: Is oral sex something that you want? Are you comfortable with it?

[A] Nicki: Well, the guy I went out with for three and a half years, we kind of learned from each other, and I didn't know any better. But it got to the point where I finally said, "I'm not feeling anything and I should be." So then we started more experiments. We tried everything, but it never worked.

[Q] Playboy: Was it because you never felt one hundred percent comfortable?

[A] Nicki: That was probably the major factor. I was always trying to please him, and I wanted to make sure that he was always happy. I felt like it was a burden on him to perform oral sex and I was always tense. It's sad to say, but it never got to the point where I felt equal to him.

[Q] Playboy: That's a woman's lament--"I don't want to inconvenience him."

[A] Nicki: But that's socialization.

[A] Debbie: I still feel kind of uncomfortable with it, just because we've been socialized all our lives to think that vaginas are gross. They drip and they smell and nobody wants to be near them. It's so hard to overcome that.

[A] Nicki: Exactly.

[A] Debbie: And I still think, Oh, God, does he really like it? He must be hating this. This is probably so gross for him, and you're uncomfortable.

[A] Gail: It's hard not to feel stressed when you're lying there and looking at the ceiling, going, How long is he going to do this [laughs]? You've got to psych yourself into it. But you know what helps? This is going to sound silly--it's called the Oil of Love, the flavored stuff. I'm not joking. Make it tasty. Let's face it, sucking on a man's penis is not any more pleasurable. You still come out going [gestures picking pubic hair from front teeth]. [Laughs] As a matter of fact, there was an article recently in Playgirl on how to give the perfect blow job. I don't know that I've ever seen an article on how to perform oral sex perfectly on a woman, ever. I don't think people care.

[A] Nicki: But that goes back to whether women get any pleasure in a one-night stand. You don't know the person well enough to ask for what you want. It's just going to end up a pleasure for him and you're just going along with it.

[A] Gail: Even when you have a boyfriend, you get pressure to go along with it. There are times when you have to talk yourself into having sex. I mean, I get up at eight in the morning, go to work, go to class all day, come home, study, and my boyfriend's saying, "Let's play." I think, Get out of my face. I'm going to sleep.

[A] Emily: I like my situation. I have no attachments. I go out and find someone and have sex when I really want to. Then when I don't, I have no boyfriend to deal with.

[Q] Playboy: Do you find that most guys are sexually considerate?

[A] Nicki: I let my first boyfriend do whatever he wanted to do, and I never knew that there could be more pleasure in it for me. And the guys I have slept with since have done the same things. I've never had a boyfriend who's tried to figure out what makes me feel good.

[A] Debbie: I've gone out with guys who weren't very good in bed, but if you said, "If you did this, I would feel a lot better," at least they'd be willing to listen. But if you feel uncomfortable saying, "Touch me here," you have to find a way to say whatever you can.

[Q] Playboy: Can you do so comfortably?

[A] Debbie: I can now. I feel a lot more comfortable, especially with the guy I'm dating now. He's great. He'll say, "Do you like this? Should I keep doing this? Should I do something different?" And he says, "Touch me the way you want me to touch you."

[A] Nicki: But you have to be in a relationship before you can feel comfortable saying, "Here, do this."

[A] Gail: I definitely know what I like and what I don't like, and my boyfriend happens to be the most considerate guy I know. My roommate's boyfriend--she lived with him for three years--never did stuff that she really wanted, like oral sex. She performed oral sex on him, but he never performed it on her. Never. Well, maybe once in a drunken stupor. My boyfriend--even if he comes when he can't control himself--always makes sure that I'm satisfied, too.

[Q] Playboy: Do you all know about your friends' sex lives?

(continued on page 166)College Women(continued from page 120)

[A] All: Yes. Yes.

[Q] Playboy: In detail?

[A] All: Yes.

[Q] Playboy: Do your friends know the size of your boyfriends' penises, for example?

[A] Gail: No, it's not like that. It's not bragging talk. I mean, we've actually talked about humorous situations during sex, like funny noises that happen. We get into some really funny conversations, and it really makes you feel better that your sexual habits are not unusual.

[Q] Playboy: But the conversations are not clinical, right?

[A] Nicki: And they're not degrading. We were talking to the group of guys who live upstairs from us, and we asked, "What do guys talk about when they come home after being with a girl? Do they talk about it in detail?" One guy goes, "Yeah, we quiz them and stuff." When girls talk, they say, "Yes, I fooled around," but they won't sit and talk about details unless it's something funny. They don't say, "Yes, I scored" or "It was great." But the guys talk about women's bodies and what happened in detail. The way guys talk about girls after sex seems so degrading.

[Q] Playboy: What about sexual problems? They're not all funny noises. Becoming orgasmic is part of that learning cycle that you were talking about, and guys come too quickly because they're learning, too. Would you talk about liking a guy who just wasn't making it in bed?

[A] Gail: I did with my old roommate all the time.

[Q] Playboy: And the rest of you?

[A] Emily: I was comparing. There were two guys I had been with in a very short period of time, and I was talking about them with my roommate. She was helping me decide which one to concentrate on. I was very confused and said, "Well, he's fun and he's good in bed, so maybe I should stick with him." This other guy was not that good in bed, but he was a nicer guy, so....

[Q] Playboy: Does girl talk include discussions of the night you lost your virginity?

[A] Gail: Yeah. Can I ask a question? Who here lost her virginity on a one-night stand? Anybody?

[A] Debbie: Yes. It was the summer after I turned sixteen. I had been dating a guy for a couple of years and he was asexual. He had no interest whatsoever in sex.

[Q] Playboy: I bet your mom was happy.

[A] Debbie: Actually, my mom's real liberal and she says as long as you protect yourself, go for it and have a good time. So one weekend, when my mom was gone, I had all these big plans for a romantic evening and my boyfriend stood me up. So I went out and I met this guy and he just jumped on me. He was so passionate; I had never had that experience before. I said, "I've got to go," then I sat home that night alone, eating chips and crying to my cat. The next day, I saw the guy again and we went to his apartment and had sex.

[Q] Playboy: Was it fun or disappointing?

[A] Debbie: Well, he started kissing me and touching me, and I was so highly aroused. I never even knew that could happen. My head was just reeling. But then, I don't know, I didn't really enjoy it the first time. For one thing, I was feeling a little guilty because I was cheating on my boyfriend, who I was so truly in love with, even though he was asexual.

[A] Nicki: See, my background is completely different. In my family, I never saw my parents do anything besides give each other a peck on the cheek. My parents did not talk to me about sex at all. I went to a Catholic school. They had sex classes, but the girls were separated from the guys. In my head was the Catholic morality, "I'm not going to have sex until I'm married." My first serious boyfriend was the one I went out with for three and a half years. We were at a party one night--we'd been going out for about half a year--and we had been drinking and he tried to have sex with me. He already knew that I didn't want to go that far. I'd had a rule with my previous boyfriend that only one of us could have our underwear off, because I thought I could get pregnant if both of us had our underwear off at the same time. I mean, I was very, very naïve. So here I am and he's trying and I'm saying no. The next time I was with him, the same thing happened and he tried and I said no. Ten minutes later, he tried again. I said no. Ten minutes later, he tried again. I was thinking, Why does he keep on trying? Well, I really, really like this guy. I may as well let it happen. And I did and from then on, we had a sexual relationship.

[Q] Playboy: How old were you then?

[A] Nicki: I was in eleventh grade. I just accepted it and then I started to like it. But I didn't even know what an orgasm was until I was in college. And here I had been having sex with this guy for a year and a half!

[A] Gail: The reason I asked is that I lost my virginity on what I guess was a one-week stand. I was on vacation.

[Q] Playboy: And what age were you?

[A] Gail: I met him on my nineteenth birthday. It was second semester my freshman year. I didn't realize how completely set up the situation was; talk about naive. I mean, why would he have a rubber in his CD player above his bed? Why would he only have to press the Eject button on the player to have the tray come out and have a rubber on it? I thought, That's really cool. They're convenient and they're near his bed. It only occurred to me later that it was a set-up situation. After I came back from spring vacation, he called me every day and sent me letters saying he was in love with me. For sure; I had known the guy for a total of maybe seventy-two hours. He flew here to visit me for a weekend, and I absolutely shat on him. I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't believe that it meant so much to him. But I've never regretted it.

[Q] Playboy: How many other people came here as virgins?

[A] Lynn: I did.

[Q] Playboy: And was there pressure to lose your virginity or was the pressure to keep it?

[A] Lynn: I grew up in a Lutheran home. All through high school, I thought that sex was not that big a deal. Why was everybody getting so riled up about it? I thought I could hold out until I was married. I told my first few boyfriends, "There's going to be no sex and don't even ask me, because I'm not going to do it." Then I started college and I started drinking, which I hadn't done before, and I started to become so loose and I thought, Why not? And it happened one night when I was really drunk. I wish it hadn't happened on a one-night stand, but there's not much I can do about it now.

[A] Gail: I had sex because that was my choice at the time. I didn't feel like there was so much pressure. Nobody ever said, "Oh, my God, you're a virgin! I can't believe it!"

[A] Carolyn: I did come to school as a virgin, and maybe I felt a little pressured. At first I thought, like, It's going to happen, just ease back; but as time went on, I was beginning to feel more and more like an outsider, because my girlfriends would talk.

[A] Nicki: When we were sophomores, a group of girls would sit around and drink and talk about sex. There were two girls who had never had sex. It got to the point where they did feel like outsiders. Then each girl slept with a guy on a spring-break trip. It was evident in all of our eyes that it was a goal for them. They didn't realize the bad points to it. There are things that we've done that we've regretted, maybe the first time, even. There are lots of girls on any college campus who would love to raise their hands and say, "I'm still a virgin." I mean, I would. I would love to go back and do everything over because of the way it happened. You look back at it and it didn't mean anything. Sex is supposed to mean something.

[A] Gail: But why? Why does sex have to mean something? Someone told you it means something. It doesn't. How many times have we had sex that really, truly meant nothing? Yes, you felt guilty. You felt stupid for doing it, but it meant nothing to you.

[A] Carolyn: Yes, but I don't want to walk around and see some guy on a street I was with the night before and he doesn't even acknowledge me.

[A] Emily: I can deal with that.

[A] Nicki: I can't.

[A] Debbie: Freshman year, I was going to one of the football games and saw a big banner hung up on one of the fraternity houses that said, Freshman Girls Will Fuck Any thing. Everyone had been warning me to watch out. Guys will try to take advantage of you because they all know you're way from home for the first time, and they play on your need to know someone in this huge place. But then, when I saw this banner, I was so shocked and angry. I wanted to throw a rock and hurt somebody. It just made me feel so degraded.

[A] Nicki: There's zillions of beautiful freshman girls arriving here on campus every year, and it's a perfect opportunity for a guy to say, "Hey, I can have a good time and not have to worry about being committed." When you come here the first year, you have in mind that the first guy you sleep with is going to be your boyfriend, because that's the way it was in high school. Well, it isn't that way here. But that's why the freshmen are looked upon as being easy.

[Q] Playboy: Why do guys act that way?

[A] Emily: If they were more sure of themselves, they could go out and meet a girl, talk to her all night and say, "OK, I'm not going to sleep with her tonight. I'm going to see what happens next weekend and the weekend after that." But the guys have their own insecurities and think they may as well just sleep with a woman for a night because a relationship will never develop.

[Q] Playboy: When can a guy make his move and be neither wimp nor animal?

[A] Debbie: Well, I really prefer not to sleep with someone the first time I meet him. It makes sex a lot easier to deal with when I can get to know someone a little bit. I love to have someone touch me, but he doesn't have to attack me and rape me the first time he meets me. I appreciate a guy who's comfortable with just closeness to start out and goes very slowly. Then you can talk about sex before you ever get to the bedroom. For example, I'll say, "I love it when a guy nuzzles my neck. It just totally turns me on." I'll say, "I don't really like it when a guy grabs me, because it hurts." Guys like to be grabbed. They can handle a little bit more stimulation, but I find that most of the girls I've talked to who like direct clitoral stimulation would prefer to have a little more gentleness. You can say stuff like that when you're outside the bedroom. When you're in bed with someone and you're saying, "Oh, don't do that" or "I wish you'd do this," it's like you're commenting on his performance.

[Q] Playboy: Debbie, you say you like to get to know a guy first and then decide whether you want to be intimate. Is sexually transmitted disease ever in the back of your mind?

[A] Debbie: I would certainly think about that. Last year, I wasn't too concerned about it, but now I'm starting to be a little more aware of it. My mom's going to school right now and she wrote a term paper on AIDS and we talked about that a lot. I would never sleep with anyone who had big sores on his penis or anything.

[Q] Playboy: Do you ask potential partners any questions, such as whether they've been with another man?

[A] Emily: Before sleeping with them? No, I don't.

[Q] Playboy: Do you ask if they've seen a prostitute in the past five years?

[A] Carolyn: No.

[A] Debbie: No.

[A] Emily: No, I don't.

[Q] Playboy: Have guys become more selective because of AIDS and other diseases?

[A] All: No. No.

[Q] Playboy: Do you talk about condoms? Would you have that conversation before you got to bed?

[A] Debbie: Yes. I have condoms in my room and I am willing to supply them. And if a guy would not use them, I would say, "Get out."

[Q] Playboy: Is your concern birth control or disease?

[A] Debbie: Disease. I'm on the pill, but I would tell a guy that I didn't have birth control if I thought that he would be unwilling otherwise to use a condom.

[Q] Playboy: Now, this boyfriend of yours who's seeing someone else, do you use a condom with him or does the birth-control pill take care of the situation?

[A] Debbie: The pill takes care of that. We're both careful, though. As far as I know, he's not going out and getting one-night stands. He's got one other girlfriend right now he sleeps with.

[Q] Playboy: And do you know whom she sleeps with?

[A] Debbie: She's faithful to him. He's really good-looking and he's got a nice body and he's real sensitive. He just doesn't want a commitment. I've learned to handle that.

[Q] Playboy: But you're free to have other relationships, so if you meet somebody else, how do you decide when to insist he use a condom and when to let it pass?

[A] Debbie: This year, I haven't picked up anybody at a party. Last year, I made the mistake a few times of having guys at a party say, "I'll walk you home. I don't want you to walk home all by yourself."

[A] Nicki: That's another line.

[A] Gail: You're a lot safer to walk home alone and take your chances with whoever may be walking down the street. The rapist is often someone you know.

[Q] Playboy: How about date rape? Some campus surveys show that as many as one female out of five feels as if she has been victimized, but she doesn't always think of it as rape. She may think of it as misunderstanding. "He thought because I went to his apartment, we were going to have sex, so then I sort of felt obliged." Is that a familiar scenario?

[A] Carolyn: Yes.

[Q] Playboy: Are you aware that date rape is happening?

[A] A Few Voices: No.

[Q] Playboy: Maybe you don't call it rape. Maybe you think it's a situation in which a guy makes a woman feel like they had an "understanding" that sex was on the agenda. Does that kind of pressure happen?

[A] Debbie: Yes, like when I lost my virginity. The guy was like that. He was sitting there trying to take my clothes off and I was going, "No, no. I don't want to do this. I'm a virgin." He didn't believe I was a virgin until I bled all over his bed, and he just wouldn't stop. I was feeling really good, too, and I was enjoying it, but my mind was going, No, I can't do this.

[A] Nicki: That's happened to me, too, where I've said no and pulled away, but then I went along with it because I felt like I had no choice. So I would never call it a rape, but, in actuality, it probably was.

[A] Gail: I think it's mental rape.

[Q] Playboy: Why did you think you had no choice? Was he going to use force and overpower you?

[A] Nicki: Well, no. It was a friend of my boyfriend, and I felt that if I didn't go along, then he would bad-mouth me. I didn't want to take that risk. Rumors are a big thing on this campus. You have no way of defending yourself, even when nothing happened. I went sailing with two guys last summer. They needed a woman to steer the boat in order to qualify for a Ladies' Day race, so I went. We had a great time. A casual friend confronted me three months later, saying, "Yeah, well, I heard you fooled around with both of them."

[Q] Playboy: We have liberated women at this table. Where is the line between being liberated and being loose?

[A] Emily: I think you have to be in control of what you're doing. I don't feel guilty for anything I do. I have one-night stands and I don't care, as long as I enjoyed them. I don't care what other people think. I don't care even what the guy thinks sometimes. If I see him down the street and he walks past me, I don't care, because I know he knows we had sex. As long as I enjoyed it, I feel like in some way, I have control over what I do.

[Q] Playboy: You don't feel that you were used?

[A] Emily: No, I really don't. I'm not sexually aggressive and I won't be the one who initiates it, but if a guy starts to kiss me, maybe I'll get a little more intimate than I should. But I'm pretty picky, so it's totally up to me.

[Q] Playboy: Can you have two sexual relationships at the same time?

[A] Emily: I can.

[A] Debbie: Yes, I can.

[A] Gail: I can't.

[A] Emily: It depends on how emotionally involved you get. My parents were divorced when I was in sixth grade. I'm scared of all of that, so I just don't get emotionally involved with the people I sleep with. If you get emotionally involved with somebody after sleeping with him maybe one or two times, it's harder to break up and go with someone else.

[A] Nicki: I have the opposite problem. My parents were happily in love and I never saw the bad side of anything. Here I am, getting hurt every time I make the mistake of sleeping with a guy. You're saying you can walk around seeing a guy and not care. I feel upset every time, physically hurt every single time. Even if I've been with a guy more than once, I still feel hurt because of the fact that there's been no relationship initiated.

[A] Emily: We feel flattered any time a guy pays any sort of attention to us. I'm flattered. That's why I have one-night stands. It feels good even if the guy is faking it or lying.

[Q] Playboy: Is he also endangering you while he's flattering you? We've got to go back to the subject of condoms. Do you ask your partner to use a condom if it's a one-night stand?

[A] Emily: I'm, like, a fifty-fifty person. I'm in the marching band with two hundred and thirty people and I know everyone. There's been two or three guys I've slept with in the band, and I didn't ask them, because I felt like I knew them. But guys I have just, you know, picked up, I will say, "Hey. Use one."

[Q] Playboy: Do you get resistance?

[A] Lynn: I use it kind of as an excuse, because I am not sexually active and I don't really want to be. I say, "Well, I don't have any protection and I don't want to do it."

[Q] Playboy: And if he pulls out a condom and says, "Well, luckily...."

[A] Lynn: They don't.

[Q] Playboy: Have any of you ever lusted for somebody you just met, considered having sex with him, but somehow decided it wasn't worth it?

[A] Debbie: I have. Condoms weren't available. I was on the pill, anyway, but I just said no. He was real attractive, but it wasn't worth the risk. We were having a good time, but I said, "Do you have a condom?" and he said no. I said, "Well, I don't, either, so put your pants back on."

[Q] Playboy: Well, we have a little gift for you, so you can be prepared. These are key chains and compacts that contain a condom [displays a variety of colors and styles.] [Laughter] Let's say a guy has this key chain. He opens it up and pulls out his condom. What do you think of him? Do you think he's being chivalrous and responsible, or presumptuous?

[A] Debbie: I would respect him. It really wouldn't matter whether he was doing it to protect himself or to protect me. The important thing is that he thought about it.

[Q] Playboy: What do you think a guy would think of you if you opened a condom-carrier key chain?

[A] Gail: It's probably the greatest conversation piece ever. It states what you're all about.

[A] Carolyn: It says you're prepared. You know it's going to happen. Why try to deny it?

[Q] Playboy: Are you comfortable buying condoms?

[A] Lynn: Well, I would be embarrassed, but if I had to, I would.

[A] Gail: I think the most ridiculous thing is having them hanging on the back wall at the pharmacy. "Excuse me, can I have the extra-large ribbed ones in the back?" That's the rudest, most uncomfortable thing and ninety-nine percent of the time, a guy is at the cash register, like when you're buying tampons.

[A] Emily: Now I don't think I'd mind it at all, because sex is so much out in the open. AIDS is out in the open. We go to male gynecologists. We talk about sex.

[Q] Playboy: Well, you all have good attitudes about condoms, so we must ask you whether you actually used one the last time you had sex.

[A] Gail: Yes.

[A] Debbie: No.

[A] Nicki: No.

[A] Carolyn: No.

[A] Emily: I did and it was surprising. It was a freshman guy and he pulled one out. I was being a little careless about it. I thought, Wow, he did it!

[Q] Playboy: So you thought well of him?

[A] Emily: Yes, I really did.

[A] Gail: Since I've had this boyfriend, I've always had some form of protection. If it's not there, we don't have sex. I don't care how bad it hurts him. I'm sorry, but he knows as well as I do that neither of us wants to be a parent right now or go through a hideous abortion.

[A] Nicki: Every time I've had a one-night stand, I've worried about the consequences. But then, you've got to realize, every time I've had a one-night stand, there's been alcohol involved. I don't think I could have a one-night stand if I were sober.

[Q] Playboy: We talked with one of your deans, and he said that students here don't just drink, they get smashed. Does your resolve to use a condom fall by the wayside when everybody is drunk?

[A] Nicki: Exactly.

[A] Emily: Yes. After it happens, the one thing I feel guilty about is not having used a condom.

[A] Carolyn: I make the most irrational decisions, and it stinks. The next morning, I know I should have had my head on, but....

[Q] Playboy: Carolyn, what percentage of the time would you say you used a condom in the past year?

[A] Carolyn: Never, because I have never used any protection.

[Q] Playboy: No birth control?

[A] Carolyn: No, nothing.

[Q] Playboy: Have you been lucky?

[A] Carolyn: Very.

[Q] Playboy: Carolyn, we have to talk after this session.

[A] Nicki: I'm the same. I've been the same because of my first boyfriend. We didn't know anything about contraceptives. I didn't even know how to get hold of the pill. We never used a contraceptive in our entire relationship. He withdrew before ejaculating and it worked without any problems. That was really stupid of me, but I didn't know any better. After we broke up, I felt that if I went on the pill without a serious boyfriend, it would be an excuse for me to have sex. But then, every time I have had a one-night stand, I've lacked the nerve to come out and say, "Do you have a condom?" But I've always said something like, "Be careful" or "I'm not on the pill." I've said that and that will cause him to withdraw. But that's still stupid thinking. And now, because I'm sick of this whole scene, I am holding back with guys, but I'm also getting more knowledge about the way I'm going to protect myself if it occurs again.

[Q] Playboy: Carolyn, when you're ready to have sex with a guy, does he ask if you're on the pill or have a diaphragm?

[A] Carolyn: Listen, I was very sexually active last year and I didn't ask anything and not once did anyone ask me anything beforehand, but twice they asked me afterward. "Oh, you're on the pill, aren't you? No! What? See ya." And they would be out the door.

[Q] Playboy: Did they assume you were on the pill because you didn't ask them to use a condom?

[A] Carolyn: Right.

[Q] Playboy: And why weren't you on the pill?

[A] Carolyn: Maybe it's because I didn't think I was going to have sex, and then it just happened.

[Q] Playboy: Weren't you afraid?

[A] Carolyn: Yes, I got really scared, but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, Good. Maybe they're going to feel bad about this. Maybe I've trapped them and I'll make them suffer.

[Q] Playboy: Do guys ever bring up the subject of birth control?

[A] All: No, no. Never.

[A] Gail: My senior year, my mother took me by the hand to a gynecologist and said, "Get some form of birth control before you go to college." She knew I was a virgin. I thought it was kind of funny, but all right, I went. Of course, she expected me to walk out with a diaphragm, but I walked out with the pill. The gynecologist was this blunt woman who told me, "Look. The fact is, you're going to be sexually active, and you're not going to say, 'Excuse me while I put this in.' You're not going to feel that comfortable. And if he doesn't use a condom, you damn well better take responsibility, because, let's face it, that guy is going to be out the door and you'll be stuck. It's your body. It's your decision." I chose the pill, but I remained a virgin for a good portion of the freshman year.

[Q] Playboy: Even though you were on the pill?

[A] Gail: I wasn't on the pill. I wasn't ready. I wasn't interested. I didn't feel comfortable enough to do it.

[Q] Playboy: Did you feel that your mom was pushing you into anything? Were you embarrassed or grateful?

[A] Gail: I wasn't embarrassed. I mean, I'm totally up front with my mother, always have been. That's been a real good thing. It was just, "All right, I'm leaving the house and it's going to be my decision from here on."

[Q] Playboy: Yours is the kind of mother everybody should be or have.

[A] Nicki: My mother was like that. She sent me to a gynecologist before I had had sex and I didn't really think anything of it. Then, when it did happen, I was afraid to confront her. After I had been going out with my boyfriend a long time, she said, "I'm really worried that you're sleeping together and I just hope you're doing something to protect yourself." I said, "Oh, don't worry. I am." That was at the point where we had already been together for so long without using protection that I just didn't even bother to do it.

[A] Emily: My parents, I feel, led me to my promiscuity, because my mom left when I was in sixth grade. I lived with my father when I started to hit puberty. I knew that my parents had had a very bad sex life for the last six or seven years of the marriage. Dad started seeing another woman right after my mom left. I used to sneak in and read his letters, so I knew that he was having a very active sexual life with his girlfriend, who I barely knew because he always went to her place. I didn't think they had an emotional tie with each other. Now I feel that if I had lived with my mother, I wouldn't be like this. It's been six years since they've been divorced and she will not go out with a man. She won't talk to me about sex. I have to bring it up.

[Q] Playboy: Did your dad talk to you about birth control?

[A] Emily: No, he didn't. He never did. He's kind of conservative.

[Q] Playboy: Did he say, "Be careful; don't get pregnant" or anything?

[A] Emily: He never said that, even though, looking back on it, he must have known that I was having sex with my boyfriend, because we would sneak down into the basement and he would have heard us. But my parents never brought it up, so I felt like if they didn't care, why should I care?

[Q] Playboy: Lynn, you say that you have a Lutheran background. What kind of message did you get at home?

[A] Lynn: Well, my parents were divorced. I don't even know my father, so it was just my mother and me. My brothers were so much older that they were off to high school or college. My mother had been molested when she was growing up, so all I heard all my life was, "Just tell me when some boy is touching you there." I had no idea what she was talking about. She'd always put me on the spot and ask, "Are you having sex?" And I would always be really offended, because I hadn't, and it really upset me that she was even asking. She never talked to me about birth control. She said, "Don't even get in that situation. You shouldn't be sexually active." It was my brothers who said, "If you're going to have sex, why don't you get something?"

[Q] Playboy: Debbie, what did your mom say? And when did she say it?

[A] Debbie: She was pretty liberal. We still talk about sex a lot now. She's dating a guy and they give each other baby-oil massages all the time and she says, "You should try this. It's really great." But when I started to be sexually active, she told me that I could talk to her. But I still felt uncomfortable about actually saying, "Mom, I want to go on the pill," so I went to Family Planning and I took it for about nine months before she found out. Then she said, "You've been on the pill that long? Well, I'm really glad that you've been responsible." She didn't get mad at all. My mom got pregnant when she was seventeen and had to get married, so she would much rather make sure I was protected.

[Q] Playboy: And your dad?

[A] Debbie: My dad never talked to me about sex. He gave me a drug talk, but he didn't talk to me about sex. That was Mom's scene. A lot of my sexual information came from my grandfather, my mother's father. He was just amazing. He was a university professor, and he was so loving to everyone. He talked to me about masturbation, which was really uncomfortable for me, but it was a good source of information. He said, "It's OK to do that. Don't feel like it's bad. And I want you to know it's OK if you want to have sex with someone, if you love him."

[Q] Playboy: Carolyn, we'll bet your mom never told you about birth control.

[A] Carolyn: No. She didn't.

[Q] Playboy: Did she tell you anything?

[A] Carolyn: My mom was this staunch woman. "No sex until you're married" and "You can wait."

[Q] Playboy: The "Just say no" message. But what if you had chosen to just say yes?

[A] Carolyn: I never had the option. There was just no way I could ever talk to my mom about birth control. I just said, "OK, I'll hide it." I really wish I could talk to my mom, but to this day, I can't.

[Q] Playboy: Are you more worried about getting pregnant or getting a disease?

[A] Carolyn: Pregnant.

[Q] Playboy: And do you think condoms are reliable?

[A] Gail: No. Absolutely not. I've had them break more times, and it's so unnerving. Every five minutes, you do a condom check: "Is it still on?" Then you get wrapped up in the heat of things, and you don't check. Afterward, my boyfriend has said many times, "Oh, no," and I just lie there in bed and I don't want to hear it. Three days in a row, that happened to us. What are the odds of that?

[A] Debbie: Switch brands.

[A] Gail: I did. They were from Planned Parenthood and they were cheap. I went back there and told them.

[Q] Playboy: Do you help put the condom on or leave that to the guy?

[A] Debbie: I help. I offer to put it on. Make it part of the act.

[A] Emily: You're doing something that's going to make a difference for both of you, basically for your own well-being, but obviously, he feels responsible for it also.

[A] Gail: My old roommate said the same thing about the diaphragm. To this day, she doesn't know how to put it in herself. From the time she got it and tried it at the doctor's office, her boyfriend always put it in. It was always part of sex. She dealt with it in the morning when it was gross, but he dealt with it then and it was fun.

[Q] Playboy: That sounds like a couple comfortable with their sexuality. Do any of you have performance anxiety about sex, or is that just a man's anxiety?

[A] Carolyn: I do. Basically, I'm an insecure person, so I'm always wondering what they're thinking. It's always on my mind.

[Q] Playboy: Do you feel that you're a good lover?

[A] Carolyn: I'm not sure, because I've never really gotten any feedback.

[A] Gail: But once you get into sex with someone you know really well, you want feedback, not constantly, but regularly. If you do something different, "Is that good? Do you like that? Is this position good? Do you want to do a different position?" When there's dead silence, you ask, "Is there something wrong?" Or having sex watching TV--and we've done that--it's like, "Excuse me, will you look at me?"

[Q] Playboy: Earlier, you said you don't feel comfortable being a traffic cop, telling a guy what to do. Do men communicate? Do they give you feedback?

[A] Debbie: The guy I sleep with does. He says, "Oh, that feels so good," and when he does something I like, I say, "Keep doing that. I really like that." I don't give him negative feedback. I don't say, "Move over a little bit," or "Do it a little softer," not during sex.

[A] Gail: Oh, I do. I do, like, let's expedite the situation and get to the heart of the matter. Once again, it all depends on how long you've been sleeping with the person, but the person is not going to hit it right on the head every time. You're just wasting time.

[Q] Playboy: Do some men lack finesse and just push a woman's head down?

[A] Gail: Yes.

[A] Debbie: Yes.

[A] Carolyn: Absolutely.

[A] Nicki: Yes.

[A] Emily: If you feel uncomfortable doing it, don't, but most of us, I guess, don't mind giving blow jobs, so we'll do it.

[Q] Playboy: But offering to do it is different from somebody's pushing your head down.

[A] Gail: See, I had that experience and, as a result, I was completely turned off to oral sex. It's been my boyfriend's greatest struggle to make me feel comfortable, because I had bad experiences. It was degrading. It was disgusting. I was gagging and the guy I was with didn't even care. He couldn't possibly be unaware of the fact that I was choking to death, but he didn't worry, because he was having a good time. I'm sorry, that is just the most physically inconsiderate thing you could ever do to somebody.

[Q] Playboy: You're all shaking your heads. It looks as if it has happened to almost everybody here.

[A] Debbie: The first time I performed oral sex, my boyfriend said, "You're going to give me a blow job" and he lowered his pants. He pushed me down and I was kneeling on the floor doing it. I felt so degraded. And then he wouldn't kiss me. He wouldn't kiss me after I did it. He said, "That's gross. I'm not going to kiss you," and I said, "I don't believe this," and I left. That was the last time I had sex with him.

[A] Gail: Really, if that's all they want, they can do it themselves. That's really my attitude. I have no patience with self-serving people. They say you can do it for me, but (A) I'm not going to kiss you afterward and (B) I wouldn't dream of doing it on you, because that's weird. And it's not only a couple of guys.

[A] Emily: What do you think? Are men always the dominant force in sex?

[Q] Playboy: It sounds as if you take control of your sexual experiences.

[A] Emily: It just depends on whether or not you've gotten over stereotypes of men, and also how you feel about yourself.

[A] Nicki: Your situation is completely different. You have a different head on your shoulders, and you don't let men be dominant. But in my case, I've always let men be dominant, because I've learned that way and because that's the way it's always been in my sexual relationships. That's something that I'm trying to get over right now.

[A] Gail: But I think by saying, like Debbie has, "I'm sorry. You don't have a condom and I'm not having sex," that's ultimately being dominant. Deciding whether or not to do it at all is the ultimate control.

"Don't put up with games. Just do what you want to do. If you want to talk to him, just call him."

"When you first start having sex, it's a game. Sex is a toy. It's something new to play with."