Sure-Fire Gifts for Babes

It's just as easy to get her the right present. Here's how

She says she needs a new answering machine. You've heard her say it several times. So why, when you show up with one on her birthday, does she give you one of those not-so-brave little looks that indicate intimate relations are out of the question for the time being?

She may also need a vacuum cleaner. And, as someone who actually gave a nifty one to an overly emotional woman in my youth, let me tell you the result was not pretty. What she needs--no matter how many times she may say it--and what she wants are two very different things. Women take things, particularly presents, personally. What you give her tells her what you think of her in some profound and--if you screw up--disturbing way. Gifts become talismans, rather than tokens, of affection. That's not to say that women can't be forgiving in the face of gifts. It's just that they have expectations--think of them as untamed and camouflaged, roaming about in some feminine game preserve. What I'll try to do here is study the lessons of presents past and sort out the possibilities with which to gift the woman in your life.

If you listen, she will tell you

There are occasions when you are expected to give a gift of some thoughtfulness. These include--but are not limited to--her birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas (or a facsimile thereof), the anniversary of your first date or of the first consummation of your connubial bliss. These are dates you should be able to remember. Not remembering them works against you. Plan to spend time thinking about what you're going to do for her. Nothing is more transparent than, on February 12th, asking your true love, "So, little lotus sweetmeat of the people's struggle, which kind of chocolates do you like, hmmmm?"

Women give off hints as easily as they change outfits. They know exactly what they want. First, there are those things that they have been told they want: diamonds, furs, children, equity positions in major corporations. (continued on page 142)

Sure-Fire Gifts

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But then they tell you what they want--but in ways that may not always be apparent to them. These moments occur when the two of you are passing a jewelry store and she says, "Oh, that's pretty." Happily, they also occur when you are passing a resale shop and she cracks up at the leather letter sweater from Larchmont High circa 1963. The point is to listen to how she talks about the things she notices. She may complain about her watch, for example--how it doesn't keep time, how it doesn't quite go with her officewear or how it doesn't quite go with her eveningwear. Now, as it happens, a watch is a terrific present to give a woman. It's personal. She wears it. It rests upon one of her important pulse points. And every time she looks at it, she'll think of you. Even after you break up and she's with someone else, she'll think of you when she glances at it, wondering when this bozo is going to take her home. But listen carefully. Does she want a watch that is elegant, whose cant is decidedly toward evening? If so, you're kind of in trouble. You'll be obliged to shop at Cartier, Tiffany or someplace else where the wrapping looks better than your apartment. However, if she wants something that'll go with everything, something that's elegant but simple, that keeps time perfectly and quietly, you have some leeway. Well-designed women's watches come in all price ranges and in shapes that are acceptable on a wrist that is otherwise occupied with the sleeve of a blouse or an evening dress. The slyboots message is always there: She wants you to give her something that means you're thinking of her--but also something that she knows means she'll have to think of you.

Allow time for the occasioned gift. Don't wait till the last minute. Panic brings out the worst in men. We settle for anything. The analogy is last call at the bar, when you mistakenly decide not going home alone is better than going home alone. Quiz her friends. But don't accept a suggestion that smacks of the ordinary.

Among the gifts that I've heard given that fit the premeditated category are an airline ticket (pick up one for yourself, too); a framed menu of the restaurant where they first dined; a cluster of pine cones they discovered together when walking through the woods that he had cast in Lucite; a pair of earrings she tried on and walked around the store in and then decided not to buy; a limousine hired to take her anywhere she wanted to go; a gift found at the beginning of a long trip that he had to carry carefully with him for months before giving to her; an education about flowers. One extravagant gesture involved giving a woman a pearl ring embedded in one of the oysters she ordered at her favorite restaurant on her birthday (what worked was that he knew she'd order them).

Store-bought pieces of extravagance are useful when you're just getting to know the woman and among the things you don't know about her are her clothing sizes. Scarves (from Chanel or Hermès in classic designs) are bewilderingly welcome wardrobe additions. Salespeople can help here. Hair color, skin tone and favorite colors are information that will help them help you. Perfume is tricky. I'm very opinionated about perfumes and, on a first date, asked a girl if all her perfumes were floral-based. She shot me a look that seemed to say, "Yeah, what's it to you?" Well, it meant a lot to me, and so did she, so I persuaded her to try something I liked to smell on her--which she still wears, I believe. Buy perfume (the full-strength parfum) in amounts no greater than one quarter of an ounce, because it sours and loses its strength. Besides, if her birthday and Christmas are equidistant on the calendar, she will come to expect and be comforted by such a recurring present.

The gifts that have no reason

It's impossible to overestimate the impact of the pre-emptive gift, the gift given for the sheer hell of it. Nothing plays better than handing a startled woman something and saying, "Here, this is for you. I wrapped it myself." These sorts of gifts tend to be more personal. An example: A friend of mine was shopping with his girlfriend, something he normally loathes. She tried on an evening dress and asked his opinion. He liked it. As a matter of fact, he liked it a lot. So did she, but she thought it was too expensive and handed it back to the saleslady. Seizing an opportunity--a characteristic foreign to this guy under normal circumstances--he bought the dress, explaining to his stunned gal pal, "You look too good in this not to have it. All I ask is: Let me take you someplace so you can show it off."

Personal items--things she might take with her all the time--are excellent for this type of gifting. It's surprising how many women consider a beautiful pen, for example, too extravagant to buy for themselves. Likewise, a leather business-card holder is a good accompanying gesture (check out the usual leather-goods suspects: Louis Vuitton, Cartier, et al.). Or let's say she gets headaches or is a hypochondriac. Have a small silver pillbox engraved for her. If she stays over at your place a lot and finds your underwear and T-shirts comfortable sleepwear, leave a wrapped box containing a pair of silk boxers (in your size) for her to wear. Also, there's a recycling sense to personal items--the most usual example is to give her something (such as a ring) that has been in your family. It needn't be that intense a gesture. A friend of mine found his boy-scout merit badges and, as a token of his appreciation for his girlfriend's ardor, had the one for fire-building sewn on her denim jacket. You get the idea.

What follows is a collection of gift strategies that may fit into any of the categories mentioned above.

• Tickets to an event she has wanted to attend (a concert, opera, theater) slipped into the card that accompanies flowers.

• A day at Elizabeth Arden (or any other health or beauty spa). What this involves is being pampered with a manicure, a pedicure, a massage, an herbal wrap and a facial. Any portion of these treatments would do, of course, but the entire day is considered fabulously extravagant. There is a down side: The woman who brought this to my attention did mention that every woman she knows who has been treated to this present has later roped the guy into marrying her.

• An Elsa Peretti heart (available at Tiffany) one year and a second one the next--in the spirit of one is not enough.

• If you can't afford jewelry or haven't yet figured out her taste, scout out antique jewelry boxes in secondhand stores.

• Videos: An Affair to Remember, Rebecca, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, etc. The weepier, the better.

• A black-cashmere turtleneck. I heard about this from a woman who looks particularly opulent in a black-cashmere turtleneck.

• A cautionary word about flowers. They are not the end-all and be-all of gifts. Especially carnations, which nobody in her right mind likes. Flowers are nice, but they don't make up for an argument. I've heard too often a woman complain, "We got really mad at each other last night, and so he sends me flowers today. Big deal. That doesn't settle anything." Especially if the argument was about something you've argued over before. In that case, the only acceptable message that should come with the flowers is, "You're right. I'm seeking professional help."

To sum up, the more thought, energy, effort and time put into the gift, the more meaningful and appreciated it will be. Don't rely on expense. In fact, oftentimes, the more expensive a gift is, the more uncomfortable she is in accepting it. And when you give her something, tell her why you chose it and why you want her to have it.

And, most important, keep the receipt.