Navigating the Nineties

1. When I greet the morning sun, I:

A. Take a deep breath, stretch out my arms and embrace life.

B. Realize that we are consuming fossil fuels at an obscene rate and need to use more passive energy sources such as the sun's rays.

C. Ask the bartender to give me back my car keys, so I can go home.

If you answered A, you really need to be more socially aware: People are being oppressed even as you indulge yourself. B is the correct answer. Never allow yourself to enjoy the moment without being fully cognizant of the sorrow that lurks around the corner. If you chose C, which is so obviously not P.C., you're in for a long, slow decade, and we suggest that you study the rest of the questions carefully.

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2. I watch Club MTV because:

A. I want to monitor what kind of television my children are viewing, because I know TV is bad for them.

B. It provides a window onto contemporary pop culture.

C. I'm curious to see how intimate a girl's butt can get with a camera.

If you answered A, you are describing an attitude liberals had regarding children and television in the Seventies and Eighties, before they had children. People with children regularly thank the goddess that TV exists. If you answered C, you're probably telling the truth, but the truth is no longer politically correct—even if you are a normal heterosexual person. Expressing an interest in normal heterosexual stimuli violates the rights of those people who, for whatever reason, aren't curious to see how far a camera can get with a girl's butt. P.C. people are always interested in contemporary pop culture, as long as it's viewed through a window, so the correct answer is B.

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3. If I saw Cindy Crawford in a bar and wanted to pick her up, I would say:

A. "I think together we could both reach our full sexual potential, but only if you think it's still possible for two people to celebrate their gender diversity without oppression or subsuming their individuality."

B. "I know to women like you, guys like me are a dime a dozen, but then, what have you got to lose—eighty-three cents?"

C. "I can lick my eyebrows."

The correct answer is A. Neither humor nor self-deprecation, which encourages negative self-images, are considered P.C., so B is out. A small thing, you might say, but part of the foundation of P.C. theory is the belief that every instance of political incorrectness, no matter how small, adds up and is therefore catastrophic. The universe is sort of a philosophical-karmic ecosystem; if you piss in your sink, it will end up in the drinking water in Chile. Answer A uses several P.C. buzzwords, such as "diversity" and "celebrate," and is earnest. Being earnest is very P.C., without necessarily being honest—which isn't. It is also obfuscatory, a P.C. tactic resorted to when on thin ice, and let's face it, if you're trying to pick up Cindy Crawford anywhere, you're on thin ice. C is out, because it makes Cindy Crawford into a sex object and is such an obvious lie.

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4. I object to the Miss America Pageant because:

A. It exploits women's bodies for commercial ends.

B. It doesn't go far enough to exploit women's bodies for commercial ends.

C. It gives me Joan Van Ark nightmares.

Answers A and B describe a schism in the P.C. church, which traces its origins to feminism, which rewrites its manifesto about once a month. On the one hand, P.C. endorses a new Puritanism in which any use of sexuality for financial gain becomes exploitation, unless it's women using men—it's very P.C. for the oppressed to oppress back—or women using other women, as long as such usage is self-exploitive without being self-deprecating or self-gratifying. On the other hand, P.C. embraces all alternative sexualities, and for many young women today, entering beauty pageants is an alternative to sexuality—therefore, the correct answer is C.

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5. I consider Norman Schwarzkopf's Operation(concluded on page 195)Navigating(continued from page 111) Desert Storm to have been:

A. A hideous and unnecessary mismatch in which American imperialism once again subjugated a helpless Third World country.

B. A glorious victory in which American boys, allied with coalition forces and American technological knowhow, squashed an evil tyrant and liberated Kuwait.

C. Jonathan Winters' best movie.

Answer C is wrong since, contrary to popular belief, Schwarzkopf and Winters are two different people, though the retired general may have occasionally donned his grandmother's dresses. Answer A alone is too P.C., answer B alone not P.C. enough—therefore, the correct answer is A and B. P.C. is both antiwar and pro-veteran, in which case the Gulf war was ideal, producing more veterans (well, American veterans, anyway) per war-hour than any other war in history.

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6. Appropriate behavior at an Iron John seminar led by Robert Bly in a woodlands clearing includes:

A. Singing ancient tribal chants, spinning myths around a campfire and beating on a drum.

B. Cursing your father, weeping copiously around a campfire, admitting you have tiny genitals and then beating your hairless chest.

C. Howling at the moon, passing a pitcher of martinis around the campfire and then beating the crap out of Robert Bly.

If you answered A, you're confusing the New P.C. Masculinity with Indian Guides, which it strongly resembles. C, beating up Robert Bly, is appropriate behavior only at his poetry readings. The right answer is B. Blaming others, especially past generations, is central to the P.C. movement, whose motto is no buck stops here.

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7. If Julia Child were to cook a P.C. meal, the menu would feature:

A. Carrots, barley, oats, grass and silage.

B. Brewer's yeast, calendula, tofu, uvaursi leaves, kasha and bulgur.

C. Cheeseburgers, chocolate malts, french fries and pies.

The answer is B. A is the wrong answer because it lists foods which are tested on animals. C is wrong because cheeseburgers taste good and are made from animals. Politically correct dining institutionalizes eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia by equating food with poison and consumption with guilt. The only correct foods are either antidotes (brewer's yeast, calendula) to everything you've eaten in your life to date or foods (tofu, kasha and bulgur) which, in a world of famine, even famished people won't eat.

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8. When the check-out girl at the supermarket asks me if I want paper or plastic, the correct answer is:

A. "Paper, because it's recyclable and doesn't deplete the world's oil supply like plastic does."

B. "Plastic, because it's recyclable and doesn't deplete the world's forests like paper does."

C."I brought my own cloth bag."

If you answered A, you're probably hoping that it rains and the bag gets wet and the bottom tears and your brewer's yeast, tofu, kasha and bulgur spill all over the street and you won't have to eat them. If you answered B, you forgot that plastic is a petroleum product and are thus encouraging further American armed intervention in the Middle East. A P.C. person carries a cloth market bag, which you can recycle by cutting two holes in the bottom and using as a diaper.

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Finally, any ideology worth its salt has a vocabulary and a diction all its own. Remember, it doesn't matter how you feel, as long as you use the right words. Match the following words with their politically correct counterparts:

1. A person with an I.Q. less than 60 is called:

A. retarded

B. intellectually challenged

C. Mr. Vice-President

2. Human females are called:

A. women

B. wimmin

C. vagino-Americans

3. A female business seminar leader might be called:

A. Madam Chairwoman

B. Ms. Chairperson

C. the boss in the gray-flannel panty hose

4. A person who needs his head examined is:

A. in therapy

B. emotionally challenged

C. a Democratic Presidential candidate

5. Michael Jordan is:

A. an African American

B. a person of color

C. God

6. A person without a penny to his name or a place to live is called:

A. a bum

B. homeless

C. Donald Trump

7. The woman who brings you food in a restaurant is a:

A. waitress

B. server

C. servo-American

8. A man on his second martini is:

A. a businessman

B. in denial

C. patiently waiting for the year 2000

being politically correct is no simple matter. you have to learn it —and that's like learning greek. want to make it through the decade? better study this quiz