20 Questions: Bobcat Goldthwait

Except for a stint as a supermarket bag-boy in his home town of Syracuse, New York, Bobcat Goldthwait's entire life has been comedy. Early fans---in the unlikely event they don't recall his screeching delivery---may remember hint as Jimmy Goldthwait; he had to borrow his brother's I.D. to work stand-up in clubs where liquor was served.

After high school, he took up residence at Boston's Emerson College, Jay Leno's alma mater. Goldthwait never actually enrolled, though; he lived surreptitiously in a dorm and got on so well with the manager that he was given a meal ticket. Goldthwait insists that he never blew his cover. To this day, he's recognized by alumni who want to replay their college days. "I'm considering making a donation," he says. He also honed his stand-up skills in Boston.

After what he terms "numerous auditions," he was invited to appear on "Late Night with David Letterman." He took his stand-up act to San Francisco and was later tapped to appear on a showcase with Whoopi Goldberg in L.A. That performance led directly to the role of gang leader Zed in "Police Academy 2." He played a young exec axed by TV network boss Bill Murray in "Scrooged"; his latest effort, "Shakes the Clown," which premiered in January, was a three-year project that he, as the writer, pitched 30 times. The story of an alcoholic clown, "Shakes" has the "earmarks of a cult favorite," according to one critic. Despite his frequent references to drugs and alcohol in both film and stand-up, he places himself firmly among the "party responsibly crowd."

Warren Kalbacker caught up with a hoarse, perspiring Goldthwait at a New Hampshire club, one of the 100 road dates he works each year. "Goldthwait measures his performance by how dizzy he gets," Kalbacker reports. "He claimed he was really dizzy that night. I believed him. When he insisted that his greatest show would be his onstage death, I was glad I got to him as soon as I did."

1.

[Q] Playboy: You always open your act with the assertion you've never masturbated. Would you care to reconsider that claim?

[A] Goldthwait: I openly cop to masturbating. A lot more people should do it. I've got a star on the Syracuse Walk of Fame. If I'm involved in any Pee-wee-type scandal, the mayor himself is going to be out there with a jackhammer.

2.

[Q] Playboy: Your screech is your trademark. What's Bobcat Goldthwait's prescription for throat care?

[A] Goldthwait: No lozenges. Lots of hot beverages. Coffee with caffeine. I'm pretty funky. That's from rock and roll. I got thrown out of a punk rock band called the Dead Ducks because I had no talent as a singer and I was worse as a bass player; then I started opening up for those guys. I was fifteen when I started doing comedy and I was just a sarcastic prick. My act hasn't changed-screaming and stomping around the stage. I was more influenced by rock bands growing up than by comics. Johnny Rotten had more to do with me than Johnny Carson.

3.

[Q] Playboy: Did we detect the hint of a "Take my wife" joke in your performance the other night?

[A] Goldthwait: That was parody. But there's something really classic about telling a joke. There's a craft to that. I've got more respect for Henny Youngman, who writes jokes, versus some dildo whining about how he can't get laid, complaining about everyday life. Right now, for a comic, there's no middle ground. You should be having kids and talking about how tough and kooky it is being a father. Or you should be on stage ranting about women. I'm extremely happy with my sex life. It's not a source of pain and anger for me. I sincerely believe that Sam Kinison and Andrew Dice Clay are latent homosexuals. I can't think of any other reason for them to spend that much time being angry at women and homosexuals. Mel Brooks said, "You are what you mock." And I always feel I am what I hate. I'm sure that underneath all of this I'm really a redneck Guns n' Roses fan.

4.

[Q] Playboy: A fan mistakenly approached you earlier for Sam Kinison's autograph. You weren't wearing an over-coat and beret. Was it your delivery, by any chance?

[A] Goldthwait: I have to live with this everyplace I go. I have no idea why I have this evil twin, especially when the guy weighs three hundred pounds. Years ago, Kinison said I stole his act. There's the delivery thing that he borrowed from me; Kinison knew he was influenced by my inflection. He used to sit in the Comedy Store and watch me night after night and tell me how funny I was. I've always been a hideous judge of who would make it in comedy. Once I picked on Kinison, saying that I wouldn't make fun of a wino in the street if I were a drug addict. He fired off a letter saying he was going to sue me. He must have some amazing shysters around him who told him, "Yeah, Sam, we could win that lawsuit." My only solace would be that someone--- somewhere---might call him Bobcat.

5.

[Q] Playboy: Among other political targets, you take aim at the National Rifle Association and David Duke. Do you secretly desire to be a crack shot or an Imperial Wizard?

[A] Goldthwait: I get down when someone says I'm a political comedian. I spend more time on my peers than on political topics. Many comics don't talk about politics at all, so when ten percent of your act is politics, you're considered a political comic. By my own admission, I'm a left-wing lunatic. My dad was a big sheet-metal union man for a long time: We were Democrats. I don't mean to be condescending. I consider myself the lowest common denominator in comedy, so when I go over an audience's head, I'm surprised. When I used to talk about David Duke, I had to preface it by explaining who he is. Now everyone knows.

6.

[Q] Playboy: When you offered a few Sieg Heils during your comments about David Duke, a member of the audience shouted that you were saluting with the wrong arm.

[A] Goldthwait: Pretty scary. The other night in L.A., I asked all Nazis in the audience for a show of hands. The country's becoming so conservative. Our working class has become Republican for the first time. Most of the time my (continued on page 142)Goldthwait(continued from page 107) act meets resistance from the audience. That's my job, and the thing that keeps me performing is that when I have a feeling toward something, I try to articulate it and make it funny even to someone who's opposed to it. Right now, my favorite piece is the gay-bashing thing. I'm beating up on the microphone, telling this guy how much I hate him because he's a faggot. . . but that he's really kind of attractive and I'll go home and masturbate later because I don't want to come out of the closet. It's a lot of fun, the reaction out there. Those who are offended should be.

7.

[Q] Playboy: Are you expecting to get a backstage pass to a Guns n' Roses concert any time soon?

[A] Goldthwait: If I didn't like Guns n' Roses, they wouldn't have bothered me so much. I kind of like them because rock and roll is dangerous. And then they'll say something moronic and my heart is crushed. Axl Rose complained that I singled him out in a bit. This was when One in a Million came out. They were huge. As if I was doing it for publicity. What are they? Fucking whacked? They move more albums than anyone on the planet. They're part of the news. On Arsenio's show, I added that I wasn't familiar with that part of American history---Axl Rose's thing on immigrants and faggots---"You come to this country, then you do as you please . . . spread disease." I thought gays were born and raised here. I didn't realize they all came from some European country known as Homoslavia. Rose said, "Fuck Mr. Bob Goldthwait." And I said, though I do find him quite attractive, since drug users are high-risk, I think I'll pass. When Axl Rose sings, it's not a character. That defense pisses me off. When any-body says on stage, "Niggers and fags, get out of the way," and the crowd cheers, the audience isn't thinking. What a funny character. They're thinking that here's someone who's finally articulating the hate they feel. I'll defend anyone's freedom of speech unless there's something ignorant, redneck or pussy about it. But I am everything I hate. I'm sure I'm a flaming redneck.

8.

[Q] Playboy: That was one angry man doing stand-up tonight. Is the offstage Bobcat really a pussycat?

[A] Goldthwait: I get about ninety percent of my anger out on stage. But I'm really losing my cool a lot more. Two days ago, I was driving down the highway and this guy's going out of his way to put me off the blocks. He thought I didn't leave the green traffic light soon enough. I stop. I get out of the car. I'm insane. The next thing I know, I'm having a fistfight in the middle of the road. Of course, when I was a kid I got into fights, but here I am---a dad---pummeling the guy. I went home and told my kid that I'd done something really stupid. I told him this was the completely wrong thing to do. He's nine and I told him what I did wrong so that he wouldn't get into fights. Then he gets into an altercation at school. I go all nuts. Then I find out he was defending this little kid who had his hat stolen. He had to be a hero.

9.

[Q] Playboy: You've complained about high health-care costs. Are you relying on paying audiences to help you work through a mid-life crisis?

[A] Goldthwait: The mental-health field really scares me. Ending up on Hollywood Squares or in Las Vegas is my biggest fear. I don't want to be babbling about Kinison thirty-four years from now. It's such a drag. Baldness is my kryptonite. I'm obsessed with my hair. I just wish I could go bald in peace. Since when is it mandatory that being a comic means you have to be date bait? I'm scared I'll lose a lot more hair and want to take up golf. I've never golfed, but now I slow down when I see some bald-headed guy in plaid slacks and I think, I could pull that off. I've never been asked to do one of Bob Hope's specials. I feel kind of jilted.

10.

[Q] Playboy: You stick up for women and gays. Can't you vent prejudice against some group?

[A] Goldthwait: I was outing bald people for a while. All these comedy gods are sporting really bad rugs. I've got a bald head. At least I'm honest. I'm going to wear a rug for my Playboy photo session. I'll sport an early Burt Reynolds unit. You won't be able to use anything about my hair.

11.

[Q] Playboy: You first appeared on Late Night with David Letterman a decade ago. For those who didn't catch Bobcat way back when, what was he like?

[A] Goldthwait: Up until Letterman, clubs were terrified of booking me. When I lived and performed in Boston, I'd ask, "Does anyone in the audience have a herring?" And my roommate would bring up this big raw fish. It was an old herring. One time, this woman vomited, and as she was vomiting I put the mike down so we could all hear her. The next comic who came up was this observational comic. He's talking about kids and relationships and there's fish guts and vomit all over the stage. My act was kind of weird to follow.

12.

[Q] Playboy: Was your fish-scaling routine a desperate attempt to compete with your macho outdoorsman brother?

[A] Goldthwait: I don't know if he's macho. He's a big hunter. He collects unemployment and fishes a lot. He loves to go out and shoot game. Put him and Ted Nugent in the wilderness and I guarantee he'll end up eating Nugent and making a hut out of his hide. He goes to see my act and then sends me a picture of his kid wearing an N.R.A. cap just to bust my balls.

13.

[Q] Playboy: Was your appearance in Scrooged the only known instance of Bobcat Goldthwait clean-cut and sporting a jacket and tie?

[A] Goldthwait: That was acting. The hair had to be cut off. When I was a kid, I was punk; well, the Syracuse version of punk---a skinny tie and flannel shirt with ripped-off sleeves, Canadian punk. When I was inducted into the Syracuse Walk of Fame, the mayor was wearing a tuxedo. I went down to the local department store and put a suit on. My friend Paul's mother said, "He had such a nice suit on, but he looked like such a scumbag." That's what she called me.

14.

[Q] Playboy: You have little sympathy for celebs who admit their drug or alcohol problems in public. Did you form the belief in Catholic school that confession should remain a private affair?

[A] Goldthwait: I find it so annoying when celebrities who have recovered from things are able to parlay that into sympathy or a career move. All these people come out on Arsenio Hall and they say, "Oh, I've been sober for so many weeks." And they get a round of applause. Then they cut to a beer commercial. I don't get it. Of course, if they didn't do it, I'd have to babble about something else.

15.

[Q] Playboy: Lead us around the talk-show circuit.

[A] Goldthwait: Bread and butter for comedians. I'm a whore. I'll do any show. I don't really know what Arsenio's like. I go on the show, he introduces me and then he acts like he's in pain when he talks to me. Joan Rivers had me on just as she was leaving The Tonight Show. I think she did it to piss everyone off. I was introduced as a trained-dog act. I was crying and explained that my dog had just been hit by a car. And I made this heavy old man---I said he was my dad---jump through a hoop and catch Frisbees in his mouth. I'm a staple on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee. Kathie Lee rules. I love doing her show. I don't really have a crush on Kathie Lee, but I definitely have the hots for Florence Henderson. Florence is pretty nutty. She asked if her character in Shakes the Clown could have a hickey on her boobs. So with make-up she put a hickey on her own boobs. Never in my life have I had a thing for jail-bait. I've always been hot for older women. My wife? Let's just say she doesn't fall into the jailbait category.

16.

[Q] Playboy: How do you and your wife, to use the title of one of your cable specials, Share the Warmth?

[A] Goldthwait: She's never been a fan of my work; that's why we get along. We met on Police Academy 2. She thought I was an actor; I told her I was a comic and asked her to come see me. She completely hated my act. She was so embarrassed she had her hands over her face. She told me how badly she felt for me. And I wasn't even having a bad day.

This weekend there's a pajama party at our house for my wife's birthday. Not Victoria's Secret nighties, more like Little House on the Prairie units. All these women keep calling me, asking if I'm going to be there. Am I going to be walking around in my pajamas like Hef? I'm gonna be doing a gig in Salt Lake. I'll be hanging out with the Mormons while my house becomes Dame Island. In a nutshell, that's my life.

17.

[Q] Playboy: Is the conviction that Scott Baio is the Antichrist really a centerpiece of your personal religious beliefs?

[A] Goldthwait: I've been saying Scott Baio is the Antichrist for so long I think I'm beginning to believe it. They seated Baio right next to me at the Richard Pryor tribute. It was the longest meal of my life. I didn't make a lot of eye contact with him. Finally, I told him I just thought it would be funny because he comes off so straight and he's the last person to be the Antichrist. His girlfriend was defending him: "He's not a bad person, but he's not a goody-goody." Sometimes celebrities do flip out. Stallone used to call my manager and say he was going to rip my head off.

18.

[Q] Playboy: Fans scream for your Bono impression. Didn't that routine disconcert U2 so much that the group couldn't release an album for nearly two years?

[A] Goldthwait: The first time I did the impression, it was totally indulgent. Now when I do it, at least it's goofy. I don't know why it goes over well. I'm a big U2 fan. I talked to Bono a couple times about the impression; he didn't really give me any pointers. He said the guys in the band wanted me to take over for a night. He had a great sense of humor. I was surprised. I expected him to be very dour. Doesn't want to kick my ass. He's one of the few celebrities who doesn't.

19.

[Q] Playboy: You appeared in Police Academy 2, 3 and 4. Are the men and women in blue more or less lenient with you because of that?

[A] Goldthwait: I get recognized more from Police Academy than anything else I've done. Once Jack Carter stole my wife's parking space at the Improv. I got a screwdriver and I took the vanity license plate from his Mercedes-Benz. As I was walking away with it, the cops grabbed me. Then they recognized me and they asked me what I was doing. I go, "Jack Carter is kind of a prick. He took my parking space, so I stole his license plate." Then this cop goes, "Is the guy a dick?" I say he's a big dick. The cop says, "Keep the plate." He recognized me from Police Academy, so he bonded with me. The plate says JACKSCAR. For the longest time, I had it in my rumpus room.

20.

[Q] Playboy: Once and for all, what's the secret of comedy?

[A] Goldthwait: Comedy is crowd control. A guy's up there asking, "You people having a good time? You want a fucking comedy show?" What I do isn't art by any means. You can replace me with a mechanical bull or a wet-T-shirt contest. All over Los Angeles, they're booking variety acts, magicians and guys with puppets. The rimshot is coming back. Karaoke is going to replace comedy. It's funny. Everyone can do it. You don't have to pay for comics. The Japanese win again. But I don't want to be jingoistic. I don't blame them for buying our country. I blame the people who put the For Sale sign out on the lawn.

"I'll defend anyone's freedom of speech unless there's something ignorant, redneck or pussy about it."