I'm not a real talk-show co-host, but I play one on TV's The Larry Sanders Show. Just because I'm fictional (Jeffrey Tambor gets the screen credit for playing me) doesn't mean I don't have opinions. And my assistant, Darlene--who is fictional too, but one hell of a gal--deserves all the praise I can give her. (I suppose Linda Doucett, the actress who plays her, deserves some credit as well.) Anyway, let me assure you that this isn't the usual shameless publicity stunt. For me, it's a labor of love, the ultimate turn-on. (My other turn-ons, by the way, are honesty, Dom Pérignon and getting a hug from Larry after a great show.) You see, I am a true Playboy lover. My father was a charter subscriber, and I still keep a complete set of Playboy After Dark tapes by the bed in my Malibu home. I even coined my catchphrase, "hey now," in a moment of boyish ecstasy with the April 1958 issue in my lap. So when Hugh Hefner himself appeared on our show, he practically ignored Larry. "Hef," as I call him (he called me "buddy," a term he reserves for close friends), knew a kindred spirit when he saw one. When Hef asked me to write about our Darlene, I was honored. The delightful Darlene Schepini hails from Madison, Wisconsin, where the Sanders show beats Leno every night. She first caught my eye as the lovely assistant to a Las Vegas magician, the Amazing Clifford. "He used to saw me in half twice a night. It was really scary because I thought it was real," says Darlene with her trademark giggle. "But then you saved me, Hank." Yes, it was I who gave the Sanders seductress her big break. As my gal Friday, she lubricates the wheels that keep The Larry Sanders Show running like the ratings machine it is. Darlene brings water when the Kingsley throat gets dry. She answers my phone, highlights my name in the trade papers, even types up my popular newsletter, Hanks for the Memories. (We have more than 500 readers, almost as many as you started out with, Hef.) Asked by your intrepid interviewer what she loves most about her job, Darlene answers sweetly, "Helping you, Hank." Her other turn-ons include horseback riding, kindness, puppies and romantic evenings with professional athletes. Darlene's turnoffs? "I'm a very positive person," she tells me, "but I just can't stand pollution or sarcasm." In the final analysis, Darlene is everything Hef had in mind when he invented sex appeal, American style. She's wholesome, nurturing, kind to children and animals, and has a wonderful innocence. Her body alone will keep us in syndication for years. "I have you to thank for that, Hank," she says charmingly. "Before I came to work for you, I hated my body. But now, with the way you respect me and sometimes look me right in the eye, I can sleep knowing I'm more than my body. I'm Hank Kingsley's personal assistant. When I wake up in the morning, it's 'Look out, world--here comes Darlene.' " Take that, all you cynics who think the American dream is dead. You can find it alive and kicking every month in Playboy and every week on The Larry Sanders Show. Hank Kingsley says, Hey now, America--the best is yet to come! (P.S. to Hef: Do I get the Playboy Interview now? I can dish a lot of dirt on Larry.)
