Finally the Rules of Dating

Good News: Cluster dating is dead. People have realized that roving in packs and pairing up at the end of an evening is too uncertain, too uninspiring and too damned unromantic. As college becomes a memory and our taste improves, we naturally want to gain control of our sex lives and go out with another person alone. As usual, women figured this out first because, well, we engineered it.

Along with this development, however, comes a whole new set of rules that we, the women you may want to meet, have made up. You can't take a class or buy a book to learn them, so pay close attention to what follows. Trust us when we say that if you know these rules, you will be equipped with what you need to date bright, attractive, interesting young women.

Calling

We won't size you up as a potential date until you call and ask us out. How you handle yourself on the phone will indicate whether we should take you seriously as a date. In that first phone call, we will be able to tell if you have a personality, a sense of humor, self-confidence and ambition--or if you spend all your time slacking on the couch.

Before making that call, consider the following:

• Always wait three days to call after asking a woman for her phone number. This gives her plenty of time to do a background check, which consists of trying to find out if you're a stoner, engaged or have a pierced penis.

If you call sooner, you're an eager dork. If you wait four days, you're a disinterested dweeb.

• It is unwise to call any later than Wednesday to ask a woman out for the weekend. A woman will generally not allow herself to accept a date for Friday night when asked Friday afternoon.

• Though we may be jumping the gun, we should warn you that you should call a woman every day after you start having sex with her regularly. You don't have to stay on the phone for hours, but calling "just to check in" will eliminate a lot of tension in the relationship. Of course, some women may not want to speak with you every day. Ideally, they will let you know politely.

Do not call a woman every day before you start having sex with her or you will appear needy and dependent. Also do not call her every day if she is regularly sleeping with three other men.

• Know your way around an answering machine. If you call and she doesn't answer, don't hang up without leaving a message. (She knows it's you.)

On the other hand, don't call when you know she won't be home and sigh, "Gee, I thought you'd be home." She might be home after all. And not alone.

If you have accessed the messages on her machine, never admit to it.

• Never underestimate the importance of conversation.

We have found that most men hate to chat on the phone. We recommend you get over this immediately. Sustaining a conversation can be much more important than sustaining an erection.

Let her be the first to say she has to go.

If you have trouble keeping up your end of the conversation, compose a list of things to talk about beforehand. Resist the goal-oriented impulse to rush through those topics. See where the talk goes. And, oh yeah, listen to her. Really listen. If you're confused, ask for a clarification. Engage yourself in what she's saying.

Women are less intimidated by lulls in a conversation than men are. In fact, sometimes we use them as a test to see how fast you can think on your feet. Men who say "Uh, would you like to have phone sex?" have failed.

Dating

But how does one actually meet women? OK, read carefully. You'll find interesting, attractive women through friends, school, work, church or temple and bars and nightclubs. You may ask women out from any of these places. We advise against letting your parents fix you up. The only person this almost worked for was Brenda on Beverly Hills 90210, who nearly married that flat-faced, whiny rich guy whom her dad set her up with.

Work and school are natural settings in which to meet women. Ask out a coworker or fellow student only after you've gotten to know her. Light, mindless flirting will tell you if she's interested. Does she stare hungrily at your lips when you're talking to her? Go ahead, ask her out. (Don't do anything that could later be labeled sexual harassment or employer exploitation--not even if she comes on like Madonna and the walls tremble every time you meet in the corridor.) Protect your job and your reputation. They will last longer than those flush feelings of incipient romance.

Say you spot an attractive woman in a bar. If she is engaged in what looks like a conversation with a girlfriend, don't approach her and stand there humming like Gomer-fucking-Pyle, waiting for her to finish talking. There is nothing more irritating than a man who expects to be paid attention to simply because he is male. Some women go to bars to drink, smoke and talk with the people they're there with. They do not necessarily go to secure a spot on your dance card. Be considerate. If she catches your eye a few times or deliberately brushes up against you, you may approach her when her friend goes to the bathroom.

Should you ask out a woman who is obviously with another guy? We don't know. Is he bigger than you? Are their faces glued together? If so, you may find it a little hard to break in. If she keeps looking around while the guy is talking to her, try your luck. Who knows what their situation is.

(1) Where to go on a first date.

Before you begin deliberations, consider your handicap: all the men who took her out before you. They have taken her to a Bulls game Friday night, a Pearl Jam concert Saturday night and a poetry reading Sunday night. By the time a woman is 26, there is little she hasn't done on a date.

Instead of looking for something she hasn't done before, ask her what she wants to do. Find out what you have in common. Do you both enjoy tae kwon do? Take her to a martial arts film. You may, however, want to avoid a place that advertises "Beers, burgers, babes and bands for a buck." Don't go somewhere simply to please her. If you have no interest in the harvesting practices of Guatemalans, don't sit through a lecture on it. If you appear bored, she'll think you're a dud.

Do not take a first date to a party full of your friends. Your date may not be ready for your friends. She doesn't even know if she's ready for you.

Forget about those moon-spoon -June dates such as a carriage ride through the park. While this could be romantic, it is also a stomach-turning cliché that shows little imagination. And when the horse lifts its tail to crap in the street, you'll wish that you were elsewhere.

Try harder than the generic dinner and a movie. She may take your lack of creativity as an indication of what you think about her.

If a woman looks at you with a smug expression that says "Amuse me," ask out someone else.

(2) Dinner: Who pays?

Some women are impressed when a guy offers to pay. Others are offended, figuring this may translate into some kind of coercion for a kiss (or more) later on.

It's still permissible to offer to pay the bill. If she doesn't argue, fine. If she snatches the check out of your hand, looks at it and throws a $20 bill at you, you're going home alone. Be thankful you have pets.

If you are splitting the check, do not whip out a calculator and figure what she owes to the penny. Do not start negotiations by saying, "Since I had only a sandwich...."

If you're paying, pay. Don't hint at how expensive it was. She knows how expensive it was.

As a rule, don't slurp, burp, yell at the waiter or flirt with the waitress. Pay attention to your date and notice the food. That is, after all, what you're there for. Converse throughout the meal, but don't ask her a question just after she's taken a big bite of something.

(3) Dress for success.

Men worry too much about their clothes. If you are smart, funny and let us get a word in edgewise, we really don't care what you're wrapped in. That's not to say we cannot appreciate a well-dressed man.

If you arrange to meet a woman directly after work, don't confuse her by changing out of your work clothes. If you look like a suit on your date, that's OK, because you are a suit. You may be other things besides a suit. But a woman likes to discover that for herself, and how can she when distracted by your Starter jacket, mushroom pants and Reeboks? But if you're a bad suit, that's a problem. Fix it before you ask her out.

For casual dates, know your style. If you usually wear all black and Doc Martens, don't show up in shorts and tennis sneakers. If you're the clean-cut, athletic type, don't surprise her with a motorcycle jacket and combat boots. In other words, dress the way you normally do. She probably agreed to go out with you because she liked what she saw. Don't overthink it. Besides, if she's really interested in you, she'll change it all later anyway.

(4) Date stoppers.

Do not fill lulls in the conversation with a blow-by-blow account of what you did at work that day.

Save reenactments of Bevis and Butt-head for your guy friends.

If you have a serious knowledge of (continued on page 144) Rules of Dating (continued from page 90) computers, keep it a secret.

Learn to tell an anecdote that takes less than ten minutes, that isn't about sports and that has a beginning, a middle and an end.

Avoid asking impertinent questions. If you are at a woman's home and find a man's shirt, do not say something stupid like, "Is that yours?" Understand that we have histories that precede you. Sometimes we take prisoners or souvenirs.

(5) Drugs and intoxicants.

Anyone who wants to alter his consciousness when trying to get to know someone else is afraid he won't be liked. And he won't. You will eventually learn that getting high or drunk on a date leads to bad judgment, which leads to really stupid sex. There are exceptions if you're a Deadhead, but presumably you will grow out of this.

(6) The first goodnight kiss.

Besides deciding where to go on a date, this is probably the most tension-filled moment in the whole awkward process. Rest assured that it's as tense for us as it is for you. We're thinking, Will he kiss me? What if he doesn't kiss me? How can I get him to kiss me? How can I get the hell out of here?

If the date went well, kissing goodnight will probably happen naturally. If it doesn't, take it as an omen.

Once you are committed to the kiss, do not lunge at her. If you lunge, she will parry and you will panic. There is no way to recover.

Don't be flashy, keep it simple. Be sure of yourself and know when to stop. It's always good to leave her panting for more. Never stick your tongue down your date's throat unless you want her to throw up all over your shoes.

(7) Second dates.

As the guy, it is your obligation to assess how well the first date went and to decide whether to leave the door open for a second one. What you say at the end of the date is crucial.

Right: "This was fun, let's do it again sometime."

Wrong: "This was fun, let's do it again sometime. How about Tuesday?"

Don't tie us down to a second date if you're not sure whether we enjoyed the first one. We'll let you know if we did or not. On the other hand, women find it hard to tell what you're thinking. Except when we've just given you a hand job.

(8) Other dating tips:

Do not mention your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, ex-lover or the other woman you are also dating while on a date with a woman you are trying to impress. Sisterhood is powerful, but not that powerful.

If at the end of a date, a woman says, "It's not you, it's me. I'm just not ready to start anything new right now," trust us. It's you. If you were really good-looking, smart or funny enough we'd be all over you. Sometimes, however, it really is us. We don't want to get stuck with another wombat.

Have a car, don't live with your parents, don't get shitfaced, wear underwear and don't have an ass that is smaller than your date's.

Sex

If you have understood everything so far, then you're past the hard part. Now all you have to do is negotiate the garden path that leads to actual sex. Don't be afraid. Women like to have sex and can be fun and willing partners if you treat them right. But if sex is the entire goal, it's probably wise not to let your date know it.

(1) First-date sex?

Do not expect a woman to have sex with you until at least the third date. If you ask her to have sex on the first date, you are a jerk who is interested only in her body. If you wait until the fourth date, you're a jerk because she will think you're not interested in her body.

First-date corollary: Sometimes it just happens.

(2) How to have fun on a second date.

Guess what? We're probably not going to sleep with you on the second date, either. Most likely, you will have to settle for groping, which Mom refers to as petting. If you have made it into a woman's apartment and have persuaded her to make out with you, follow her lead when proceeding to second base. Groping must be done purely for fun. Enjoy it for what it is: incomplete. We're happy with that. Be good at it. It'll make a third date a lot more realistic.

(3) A meditation on oral sex.

Women will often feel more comfortable letting things get a bit out of hand on the third date. You'll either get laid or you'll get a blow job. Don't push it. Understand that for women, it is often preferable to fuck someone rather than to stick one's nose in the crotch of a person one barely knows. Confused? Just close your eyes and count your blessings.

(4) Disclosing sexual and/or personal history.

Some things are better left a mystery: the details of the psychosexual challenges posed by your three previous girlfriends, for instance. Of course, important medical facts should be discussed. Honesty in this area is an absolute.

(5) Condoms: a primer.

Always carry a condom. Never talk about it.

If things are getting hot and heavy, carefully choose the moment to brandish a condom. Even though it may seem like you're about to get some, you may be about to get nothing. In fact, if you whip out a condom at the wrong moment, she may sit up and start dressing. We think the best time to take out a condom is immediately after we ask you if you have one. Then, rest assured, you're about to get some.

When using hers, do not complain about the brand. When using yours, refrain from offering her a selection of textures, colors or flavors.

It is better to tie a used condom in a knot and put it in your pocket than to leave it in plain view at the bottom of her wastebasket.

(6) Do not, under any circumstances, refer to your penis by a proper name such as Bill, Junior or the Pupster. Do not refer to it as Mr. Happy or as a pronoun. Example: "Look, he likes you." This is probably what pushed Mrs. Bobbitt over the edge.

(7) Always hold a woman for at least half an hour after sex if you want to ever sleep with her again. It's OK to fall asleep only if she does first.

(8) Always call the day after you've had sex with a woman if you want to sleep with her again.

(9) The morning after: Do you stay or do you go?

If the sex was OK, stay for coffee. If it was good, stay for breakfast. If it was hummin', sit back and read the paper. If you want to sleep with this woman again soon, unclog her bathroom sink or put up a shelf.

Never sit up in bed the next morning, say "Geez, I have a ton of work to do" and beat a hasty retreat. Word gets around and you will be blacklisted. You will experience, firsthand, what the word sisterhood really means.

Know that how you behave in her bathroom the next morning can work for or against you.

Do not ask her about the extra toothbrush in the toothbrush holder unless you want to hear some really depressing stories.

If her bathroom resembles a health club, i.e., it contains plenty of free stuff such as shaving gel, shampoo, deodorant, mouthwash, razors, etc., this probably isn't the woman you want to marry.

If you don't know by now not to leave the toilet seat up, shoot yourself immediately and save yourself the pain later.

If she's staying at your place, it's considered a courtesy to get rid of all personal traces of other women (don't make us spell these out). Have a fresh bar of soap, a fresh toothbrush and plenty of large, clean towels. The sort that do not carry team logos are best.

We hope that you will find these rules helpful in navigating through the new era in dating. If you master them, everyone will be happier and your sex life will be more fulfilling. Keep in mind that almost anything goes if two people feel connected to each other. If there's no chemistry, move on.

Above all, don't lose hope. We may be a lot of trouble, but we do make up for it. It's true that we have the upper hand in this dating thing. But, curiously, we're not all that good at it either. That's why we're on the phone all the time. The best advice we can give is: Play hard, play fair. The next move is yours.