The Charmed Life of Tommy Lee

This is Tommy Lee. He doesn't seem so special, does he? He's not that handsome and he's not doing tattoo parlors any favors with that ugly scrawl on his neck. His body has spent more time in rehab than in the gym. And we won't even mention the hair.

So what does Tommy have that you don't? Well, for starters, he has a cool job--he's a rock-and-roll drummer--but it's with Motley Crue, arguably the worst band ever to escape from a garage. Here's something else Tommy has that you don't: Pamela Anderson, a.k.a. Mrs. Tommy Lee. She replaces Tommy's previous wife, Heather Locklear. In between, he had a tempestuous affair with the equally desirable Bobbie Brown. Let's throw caution to the wind and assume that there have been other women as well. Attractive ones. This leaves us with two questions: What is Tommy Lee doing right? And what can we learn from it? Naturally, Tommy Lee is reluctant to share his secrets. Like most drummers, he's not much of a talker, preferring to communicate by hitting things. But a look at the life and times of Tommy Lee gives us a few clues about his phenomenal success with women. Read them and take heart.

Make her feel like she's one in a million. When he first connected with Heather Locklear on the phone, he won her over by telling her he was watching her on TV at that very moment. Heather was no dummy. She realized she wasn't on TV that night; Tommy was watching The Fall Guy, not Dynasty. "I immediately knew he thought I was Heather Thomas," remembers Locklear. Tommy had an explanation: "The first time I saw Heather I got so flipped out, I think I lost part of my mind." As is so often the case with drummers, it was hard to tell.

Make her feel like she's one of a million. During the era of Crue's control, Tommy "T-Bone" Lee admits he used to "fuck anything with a pulse." These days, you can replace the word fuck with marry.

Look for women who understand you. When tabloids reported that Lee had been caught socializing with a model in a hotel room, Heather Locklear immediately focused on the real problem. "Tommy was bummed that he wasn't matched up in the story with someone better looking," she told People.

Chicks like it when you keep your attic empty. "The first president of the United States really doesn't matter to me. I don't give a shit. I wasn't around then," Lee says. "I don't need that upstairs."

Find interesting ways to say I love you. Anyone can send a card. Anyone can send flowers. But it was Tommy Lee, who, finding himself in a distant city far from true love Heather, struck just the right note when he called her and held the receiver up to his left arm. Sitting at home in Los Angeles, Heather could hear a distinct humming sound. It was a tattoo needle, carving out a black rose with Heather's name in Tommy's flesh. A beautiful start to a thorny relationship.

Share your natural gifts generously. For most of us, just being the Crue drummer would satisfy our artistic impulses. Not Tommy. He's the Crue drummer but he drums in a simple ensemble of suspenders and G-string. And sometimes less. When he was arrested in Cincinnati for exposing himself, wife Heather was concerned. "Honey, I heard you were arrested for showing your thang," she fretted over the phone. "Nah, gorgeous," Tommy reassured her. "I just hung a BA."

Be nice to her parents. Right before he met Heather's dad, he frantically started taking out all his many earrings. Dad was unfazed by the obvious holes in Tommy's head.

Show your love for art. Tommy's not a museum kind of guy. Instead of going to see art, he brings art with him wherever he goes. For instance, (concluded on page 134) Tommy Lee (continued from page 72) there's a phoenix over his entire right thigh and something sort of cute and rune-like on his belly. There are also memories of an encounter here or there: The black rose that won Heather's heart is outdated, so Tommy cleverly had the "H" covered up--the tat now reads "eather"--which fools countless models into thinking he was an anesthesiologist. Then he got the bright idea to put "Bobbie" on his neck. But with each inamorata there seems to be diminishing returns. Pamela got only a delicate rendering of her name on his ring finger, as part of the traditional exchange of ring-finger tattoos at their wedding.

Master the art of press relations. At a charity golf tournament, he engaged Bobbie Brown in lengthy and repeated make-out sessions for the benefit of the media. As the display became increasingly tedious, one photographer remarked, "Now I think she's chewing on his nose ring."

Bleed for your fans. During the 1990 tour, Lee sat in a cage that, according to Rolling Stone, was "equal parts drum kit, merry-go-round and monorail." The crowd had to keep an eye on Lee as he zipped around above their heads, drumming along to taped recordings of Led Zeppelin and Edgar Winter. When the display ended, he'd slide to the ground on a rope and moon everybody. One night in New Haven, he fell off the scaffolding and hit his head, suffering a mild concussion. Again, being a drummer, the difference was barely noticeable.

Play the strong, silent type. "I never wanted to be on a pedestal or to be any kind of a hero," he says. "I speak through my music." That's two beats for yes, one for no.

Stay in fashion. In the Eighties, Tommy sported a huge, teased bouffant as if he had just licked a light socket. (Legend tells us that Crue once hired a musician simply because he used the same rinse--blue-black Nice & Easy--as the rest of the band.) But once grunge knocked Crue off MTV, Tommy got wise and started sporting a shorn head and a goatee. The band has yet to conquer the next phase of surviving on MTV: learning to play their instruments.

Be prepared. You never know when trouble will strike. Perhaps that's why Tommy was arrested for trying to carry a loaded .40 caliber semiautomatic pistol through airport security at LAX. He's still no Harry Connick Jr.

Learn how to party.

Tommy Lee had a bit of trouble

At L.A.'s House of Blues one night.

Yeah, Tommy Lee got in some trouble

At the House of Blues one night.

He caused such a big brawl

A dozen cops had to stop the fight.

They called in a helicopter

To help scare people away.

They needed a big blue copter

To send the mad crowd away.

At last the punching stopped

When Tommy got hit with pepper spray.

Keep belting out the hits. Most rational people would assume that when your live-in lover--in this case, Bobbie Brown--has you arrested for abuse and you pay $50,000 bail to get released, the relationship is over. In fact, most rational women--and men--steer clear of guys who swing their fists until they see them in court for a lawsuit. Not so with Bobbie and Tommy. They lived happily ever after for a week or so--until Tommy swooned over Pam Anderson at a New Year's Eve party.

Learn the proper way to propose. The traditional approach doesn't always guarantee results. Consider Tommy's fairly unoriginal but thoughtful proposal to Heather. He stuck his head through the sunroof of his limo and asked his sweet-tempered girlfriend to do the same (now we know where she gets that hair from). When she did, he gave her a 2.3 carat diamond ring and asked her to marry him. "She said yes," said Tommy. "Then she grabbed the ring, sat back down and screamed, 'Now get down here!' " So he tried a ruder, Crueder approach with Pamela--no ring, plenty of booze, no wedding dress. It worked. They got married 12 hours after he proposed one day at four A.M.

To Tommy Lee's credit, he had gone on a gallant quest to track Pam down. Finds out she is somewhere in Cancún, takes a plane trip to Mexico. Starts cruising bars--you never know where television stars will turn up next. Tries a bikini contest--still no Pam. Finally, she gives the wandering minstrel some help and calls him after hearing of his drunken escapades. At least someone was thinking--but not too much: One of Pamela's bridesmaids was a new friend of Tommy's. You know, the winner of the bikini contest.

Wediquette. For his quasitraditional wedding to Heather, Lee wore a white leather tux and he chewed gum. For his beach wedding to Pamela, he donned a pair of big baggy shorts (she, of course, wore her work clothes--a white string bikini).

Netiquette. He doesn't just cruise the beach, he also surfs the Net. As an avid habitué of the Rocknet Forum on Compuserve, he was Motley Crue's ambassador of goodwill to the pocket-protector set: Whenever someone criticized the Crue, he'd respond with a heartfelt "Fuck you!"

Release those pheromones. At the opening of the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, by-standers complained that Tommy Lee wore a lethal case of B.O. (The leftover scent from some pepper spray facial, perhaps?)

Think of your loved one's future. "I think we'll be the coolest grandma and grandpa in the world," he said of his marriage to Heather. "We'll be like 85 or 90. I'll still be a rock pig and Heather will still be gorgeous." The only thing they won't be is married.

He tried a ruder, Cruder approach with Pamela--no ring, plenty of booze, no wedding dress.