It's a Baywatch World

Just how Big is Baywatch? According to its distributors, the world's biggest show reaches 2.4 billion people per week, 40 percent to 80 percent of whom may be watching. That's a viewership of 1 billion to 2 billion. Baywatch is broadcast in 110 countries and on every continent except Antarctica (where you could probably catch it on a VCR in the rec room at McMurdo Base, anyway). In the Amazon basin, locals crank up gas generators to watch it on mildewed black-and-white TVs. People in Russia, Australia, Zimbabwe, Morocco, New Delhi and Mongolia hold their breath to see if Mitch and Stephanie will ever get it on.

But we're inundated with big numbers every day, so figures such as 2 billion slide right off our collective consciousness. Allow us to make a few comparisons to put it in perspective:

According to the 1995 Information Please Almanac, there are roughly 1 billion Muslims in the world, which makes Allah only half as pervasive as Baywatch. The global population of Christians is estimated at 1.8 billion, so it's a toss-up as to whether Jesus Christ or Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon will win the popularity contest. But Mitch's ratings are increasing faster. Baywatch viewers outnumber Jews by at least 50 to 1, because there are only 18 million adherents to the Torah. Democracy is much less widespread than Baywatch, since we calculate only 1.1 billion people live in "free" countries. (In case you were wondering, that means Baywatch is roughly two times more successful than voting.) If you haven't gotten the picture yet, we will say it straight out: Baywatch is not a part of world culture; it is the world's culture. Face it. It is not merely the most successful television show in the world; it is the most popular cultural phenomenon ever.

Baywatch's critics are deluded fools. It doesn't matter if they think it's crap. Frankly, it doesn't matter if you think it's crap. Two billion viewers can't be wrong, even if some of them are huddled around gas generators in the rain forest.

We're all living on borrowed time in Baywatch's world, and we may as well stop fighting it.

Ten Truths Learned From Watching Baywatch

So there you are in Outer Mongolia, hanging out in the yurt near the tribe's only television, and like the rest of the world you're watching the show. Odds are you'll never actually meet an American, so what conclusions do you draw about this mythical race with eternal tans and perfect teeth? We examined a few episodes and attempted to determine what you have learned about us from watching Baywatch.

1 American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.

2 Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3 Despite this habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.

4 People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5 Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6 Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshiped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and 13 seconds per hour.

7 When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8 Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

9 Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10 Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

The Baywatch Method

Baywatch builds on the traditions of musical theater with its use of montage. Critics say these sections are just filler, but devoted fans know that they are the show's semiotic shorthand, a combination of music and slow-motion jiggling that conveys character development without using up valuable words.

Montage: C.J. saves assorted drowning people, runs up and down the beach and pouts.

Insight: Even attractive people have to work hard for a living.

Montage: Brody and C.J. walk on the beach and fall in love.

Insight: Lifeguards need only two minutes and 22 seconds to fall in love.

Montage: All the lifeguards prepare for a big wedding between Mitch and his ex-wife.

Insight: Lifeguards don't have very cool dress uniforms.

Montage: Mitch and Brody are chased by wicked Hawaiians on a barely inhabited island.

Insight: Men who chase lifeguards get what they deserve.

MMontage: Mitch and Tracy (his true love) spend quality time before she dies of cancer.

Insight: Cancer patients get tired and should not try to catch Frisbees.

Mitch Buchannon: Adept Lifeguard or Ubermensch?

Lieutenant Buchannon has the remarkable ability to survive any disaster, no matter how challenging. How does he do it? He is no Superman, but he has learned a number of innovative survival skills that help him deal with life-threatening scenarios. Here are some compelling examples:

Danger: Shark in the water.

Solution: Pummel it with driftwood until it goes away.

Danger: Pirates point a gun at you.

Solution: Distract them by saying, "Oh my God, sharks!" and then grab the gun.

Danger: A crazed serial killer holds two lifeguards hostage in a beach tower.

Solution: Get to the tower by tunneling under the sand like Bugs Bunny, then beat him up.

Danger: Bad Hawaiians chase you with spears.

Solution: Put your shirt in a bush to distract them, then beat them up.

Danger: Terrorists kidnap your girlfriend, a princess from an unspecified country.

Solution: Chase them in a boat, then beat them up.

Danger: Punks are about to attack your girlfriend and dump her off a pier.

Solution: Climb the pier to sneak up on them, then beat them up.

Danger: A swarthy man stalks your son and his friend.

Solution: Chase him in a truck, then let midgets beat him up.

Is that a Life Preserver or are you Just Happy to See me?

One of the main tools used by the lifeguards on Baywatch is the red rescue can. This bright, rigid float is attached to a rope, allowing guards to rescue people without having to risk physical contact. But in the danger-ridden world of Baywatch, these rescue cans have many other uses. These include:

* Protecting yourself from crowbars swung by evil convict wives ("Tentacles: Part One").

* Causing serial killers to trip when they try to sneak into the lifeguards' office ("The Tower").

* Avoiding giving mouth-to-mouth to people with AIDS ("A Little Help From My Friends").

* Helping viewers tell the difference between drowning lifeguards and drowning civilians ("Someone to Baywatch Over Me").

* Making dweebish husbands look cool so they can win back the affection of their adulterous wives ("Red Wind").

* Spinning on finger to wow the babes (opening credits to every episode).

Beware the Bay Siren

Baywatch lifeguard C.J. Parker has a mysterious way of attracting every man on the beach. Unfortunately, most of her suitors suffer a personal tragedy shortly after meeting her. Is C.J. the perfect woman or a siren who lures men to destruction? Here is a list of some of the men who have had brushes with C.J. and whose lives have subsequently been ravaged.

John D. Cort: Lost eyesight.

Carlton: Fell off Cliff.

Karl: Killed by an escaped convict, then dumped into ocean.

Maroni the Magnificent: Came perilously close to drowning during a bungled underwater stunt.

Father Ryan: Lost faith and almost gave up priesthood.

Matt Brody: Spent $5000 to pay off her gambling debts.

DJ Larry "Loomin'" Large: Convicted of fraud and embezzlement.

Mitch Buchannon, Zen Master? A Quiz

Below are a few quotes by Lieutenant Buchannon mixed with sayings from Zen masters. See if you can tell which are which.

1 A wave is like a natural pulse: It reminds people that they're alive.

2 A fish swims in the ocean, and no matter how far it swims there's no end to the water.

3 An ancient once said, "Throw false spirituality away like a pair of old shoes."

4 Old Chinese saying: "When you rescue someone from drowning, you must provide him with dry clothes."

5 Just put attachment out of your mind: This world is paradise.

6 Gotta seize the moment, cookie.

7 There's no sun, no air, no pool, no pecs!

8 No good, thank you. No bad, thank you. No "no," thank you.

9 There are a lot of other ways to feel alive than by being a criminal.

10 Don't expect to practice hard and not experience the weird.

11 Men and cigarettes are known only after they've turned to smoke.

12 Even if we're not dying, we have to treat other people as if it's our and their last day.

13 If you love your life, kill yourself. Once done, you're deathless.

14 I think that you should unbutton your collar.

(Answer: 1, 4, 6, 7, 9, 12 and 14 are by Mitch; 2, 3, 5, 8, 10, 11 and 13 are by Zen masters.)

How to Talk Like a Life-Guarding Dude

To be a successful Baywatcher, you have to be able to talk the talk. But conversing like a bona fide California lifeguard is not so simple as explaining the difference between a rip current and an undertow. You will also need to be well versed in some of the terminology. Here are a few examples from the definitive dictionary of lifeguard lingo, (concluded on page 180)Baywatch World(continued from page 81) which is taken from the Baywatch Official Writers' Bible.

•beat-off: an untrustworthy lifeguard

•bud: one of the guys

•buffasorus: one who is in shape and looking good

•cruiser: a pickup artist, usually male

•dirt bag: bum

•fluff and buff: to shave, shower and get ready

•towelside manner: the attitude and rapport that a male lifeguard has with the public in general, but especially with women bathers

•workout: a psychophysical break from the stressfulness of watching the water

The Baywatch Song

The opening song of Baywatch, I'm Always Here, by Joe Henry and Jim Jamison, is probably one of the best-known pieces of music in the world. So we felt it was time to find its hidden meanings. What is this global anthem telling us? The answers may surprise you.

Some people stand in the darkness Afraid to step into the light.1

Some people need to help somebody When the edge of surrender is in sight.2

Don't you3 worry, it's going to be all right.

'Cause I'm4 always there, I won't let you out of my sight.5

I'll be there6—never you fear I'll be there—forever and always7 I'm always here.8

'Cause I'm always there, I won't let you out of my sight.

I'll be there—never you fear I'll be there—forever and always I'm always here.9

1. Note the initial dualism of "darkness" and "light," which are also the final words of each line in the couplet. Because "darkness" closes on a nonemphasized syllable (the female ending) and "light" causes the second line to end on a hard syllable (the male ending), we read this as a journey made by a child from his mother to his father. Also note that people "stand" in the darkness rather than "lie down," "stretch," "squat" or "run like hell."

2. With "some people need to help somebody," the lyrics may suggest a reflective process in which self-discovery is accomplished only when we recognize that we are both victim and savior, both giver and taker. This life-affirming thought is followed by the ominous "edge of surrender," with its image of bladed weapons. Because surrender has this edge, this cutting element, a sense of dread may pervade the casual listener, who, on making this connection, may despair prematurely.

3. In their shift from "somebody" to "you," the authors change course with decisive power. They have lured us into their trap, lulling us with a false promise that the song will be about hypothetical people, when in fact they speak directly to us, to our deepest inner fears, promising that "it's going to be all right." "It" probably refers to the sharpened edge of surrender, as discussed previously.

4. This first use of the first-person singular "I" is revealing. The authors have progressed from "somebody" to "you" to "I," weaving their way from the alien to the self. They indicate the wholeness of their vision, the acceptance of the universe, indeed, of "somebody."

5. The authors return to "sight," reforming it with new meaning. In line four, we "sight" the edge of surrender, and the vision is horrifying, while in line seven the "sight" is comforting, saving and loving. The singer will not let us out of his sight, and this suggests parental protection. Because "sight" forms a male ending, we assume it to refer to a father figure.

6. This may be deliberately vague. Where is "there"? What sort of promise is the singer making? But here we discover the underlying beauty of the song. By refusing to specify location, by simply promising to be "there," we receive the most all-encompassing, unconditional love any being can provide.

7. Now the promise is expanded to "forever and always," and we begin to see the true meaning of the song. Only one entity can be there forever. The song, which seemed at the beginning to be an innocuous ditty about lifeguards, is clearly about God.

8. At this point the singer pauses, and the song digresses into a poor man's Bruce Hornsby piano solo.

9. This shift from "there" to "here" is analogous to the change from "somebody" to "you" in the opening stanza. Instead of picturing a far-off place where our savior will be, he is right "here," probably in our hearts and minds. For a seemingly nonreligious show, this is a powerful piece of proselytizing with which to open every episode.

The "Baywatch" song may be the world's best-known piece of music. What is this global anthem telling us?