A Guy's Guide to Melrose Place

It's time to face the facts: If you ever want to win a woman's heart, you're going to have to accept "Melrose Place." You can whine and moan all you want, but there's no way around it.

Yes, "Melrose" will die someday, but not soon enough to save you. So listen up: Do you want a healthy relationship? Or do you want to stay bitter and single? Women love the show, and they want a man who not only accepts it but is also willing to adore it. And much the same way they sit through the NBA playoffs with us, we must learn to spend every Monday night in front of the TV pretending to care about Jo and Jake.

Don't think for a minute you can accomplish this just by sitting down and watching the thing cold. You must make the right comments and ask the right questions.

That's where we come in. We've done the homework for you and assembled what you'll need to convince that brown-eyed girl that you really do spend every Monday night holding your breath while Michael and Peter plot revenge. Now you can wow her with your ability to tell the difference between Amanda and Alison. Then fret winsomely, look into her eyes and ask, in a voice devoid of sarcasm, "Do you think that Billy will ever forgive Alison?"

The Melrose Place Dysfunctional Family

Amanda Woodward • played by Heather Locklear

Became president of D&D Advertising after driving previous boss to suicide. Partial to miniskirts, especially at funerals. Tougher than John Wayne, for she beat cancer. Tell women you admire her. Abuse survivor, wife-beating.

Alison Parker • played by Courtney Thorne-Smith

Often confused with Amanda. Ex-alcoholic, ex–blind person, ex-president of D&D, on-again-off-again lover of Billy, ex-wife of Haley Armstrong, ex-receptionist. Abuse survivor, child molestation.

Kimberly Shaw • played by Marcia Cross

Was haunted by ethnic men in mirrors who ordered her to kill. Committed only meaningful act of criticism by trying to blow up the Melrose apartment complex. Also committed to sanitarium. Doctor, talk-show host, psychiatrist, other menial jobs. Abuse survivor, child molestation.

Jo Reynolds • played by Daphne Zuniga

Photographer from New York who left to escape a bad marriage. On and off with Jake Hanson and his dead brother. Sleeps with friends' men. Abuse survivor, beatings.

Jane Mancini • played by Josie Bissett

Ex-wife of Michael, sister to Sydney. Fashion designer. Hands down the worst actress on the show, which makes her scenes with wood boy Richard Hart painful. Abuse survivor, poisoning.

Sydney Andrews • played by Laura Leighton Stripper, hooker, waitress, blackmailer, receptionist, cult member and, if there's any justice in the world, stripper again. On and off with her sister's ex-husband. Blackmails people for outrageous sums and winds up broke, in a sort of never-ending karmic Gilligan's Island. Abuse survivor, sexual harassment.

Michael Mancini • played by Thomas Calabro

Doctor, womanizer, owns beach house and smirks a lot. Screws everybody, the women literally and the men figuratively. Gets a lot of the best laugh lines. Lust and lowbrow conniving make him easily manipulated.

Jake Hanson • played by Grant Show

On and off with Jo and Jane. Owner of Shooters, a local bar. Supposed to be tough in a Bugle Boy sort of way. Has had sex with just about all the women. Killed his brother, but by accident, which takes the fun out of it. Sense of honor makes him easily manipulated.

Thrills

Billy Campbell • played by Andrew Shue

Failed journalist, now VP at D&D. Second-worst actor on the show. Married his ex-fiancée's ex-husband's daughter, whom he eventually divorced and drove to suicide. Although he has shown no signs of getting balls this season, he tends to be so abysmally stupid that no one has to try very hard to manipulate him.

Peter Burns • played by Jack Wagner

Doctor, partner with sometime nemesis Michael Mancini. Tried to take over D&D and kill Amanda, but after helping Kimberly get rid of ethnic men who order her to kill from mirrors, became Amanda's lover. Not easily manipulated, but a sucker anyway.

Matt Fielding • played by Doug Savant

Gay, social worker, medical student. His status as virtuous token prevents him from participating in the antics of Melrose. Early this season he started punching straight guys, but the show's writers sent him back to being good. Saintly, trusting nature makes him easily manipulated and boring as hell.

Richard Hart • played by Patrick Muldoon

Probably the worst actor on the show—makes Al Gore look emotional. Design executive, sleeps with some people, has howlingly bad love scenes with Jane and Jo, does some stuff, says more stuff, pouts a lot. At least we think it's a pout. It may be acting. The fact that he is (wisely) not given many lines makes him easily manipulated.

Conversation Starter Kit

Ten Essential Rules of Discussing Melrose Place

(1) Try to pretend you missed the latest episode. Never say that you missed two in a row.

(2) Appear overly concerned with what you missed. Grill her for every detail, as if your life depended on knowing what happened.

(3) All Melrose fans have a favorite character, and you will be expected to have one too. Simply asking general questions about the show is not enough. Ask about a specific character. "What happened with Jake last week?"

(4) Knowing too much can hurt you. For instance, never use a character's full name. Melrose fans prefer informal terminology. Michael Mancini should be referred to as "Mike," "Mikey" or "that bastard doctor."

(5) When involved in lengthy discussions of the show, follow her lead. Be shocked when she's shocked. Be sad when she's sad. Never say anything that she hasn't already said. If she asks you a question that hasn't already been discussed, respond with "Hmm ... what do you think?"

(6) If you are watching the show with her, and one of the characters does or says something ridiculous, do not laugh. Acceptable responses (during a commercial or afterward) are: "How could he do that?" or "Oh my God!" or "The scheming bitch!"

(7) Do not talk during the show. Ever. Don't even breathe. Doing so implies disrespect, or worse, lack of interest. If you have something to say, save it until a commercial.

(8) Never mention T.J. Hooker. If you must refer to another Heather Locklear vehicle, make it Dynasty.

(9) Keep an eye out for details only women find important. Recognizing that Sydney is sleeping with Michael is not a keen observation. But noticing that Alison and Jane are wearing dresses with a similar cut, well, that shows you're paying attention.

(10) When you are asked what you think will happen on the next episode, always respond, "I think Amanda is on to them."

(concluded on page 166)Melrose Place(continued from page 82)

Test your Melrose discussion skills

(1) She says, "Heather Locklear is the best on the show. Don't you agree?" You say ...

(a) "Hell, yeah! She has a great ass!"

(b) "Isn't she the one Bon Jovi's guitarist is boning?"

(c) "Oh, yes. Her portrayal of the beautiful yet aggressive head of D&D Advertising is some of the finest acting I've seen in years."

(d) "Is she the blonde or the redhead?"

(2) She says, "I think Jake is sexy. Does that bug you?" You say ...

(a) "I will leave you if you so much as look at him!"

(b) "Yes, he sure is scrumptious—tasty, in fact."

(c) "Seeing a strong yet sensitive man makes me want to buy a Harley and attend Lamaze classes."

(d) "I like him because he does all the chicks."

(3) She says, "Can you believe Michael and Sydney are up to their old tricks again? What's that all about?" You say ...

(a) "Is Michael banging her again?"

(b) "Yeah, I know. I thought they had learned their lesson after they tried to make Kimberly think she was crazy."

(c) "What do you want from me? Please leave me alone."

(d) "Hey, is she gonna be a stripper again? All right!"

(4) She says, "Do you think Billy and Alison will ever get back together?" You say ...

(a) "Wait a minute, I thought that Billy was gay."

(b) "I'd rather see Jake kick the shit out of him."

(c) "I sure hope so."

(d) "Well, if it were me, I'd just use her for sex for a while, then dump her for Amanda. Ha!"

(5) She says, "Do you have any plans for Monday night?" You say ...

(a) "Of course I do. Melrose Place!"

(b) "I can't help you, baby. I gotta sleep off this hangover."

(c) "Why, you want me to watch that 90210 crap or whatever the hell it's called?"

(d) "Hey, I know. We can rent Scarface again!"

Answers: If you have to ask, start over.

The many moods of Billy

When Andrew Shue agreed to play the part of Billy on Melrose Place, he knew it would test the limits of his acting ability. Not since Hamlet has there been such a multifaceted and emotionally complex character as Billy, the much coveted stud-in-residence at D&D Advertising. The following is a retrospective of some of Billy's memorable emoting. With acting like this, who needs character development?

1. Angry

Uh-oh. Better back off. Billy's pissed and looking for trouble.

2. Sad

Poor old Billy. He's in a poo-poo mood. Somebody needs a hug.

3. Scared

Yikes! Billy thinks he may be in danger! He's ready for anything.

4. Sexy

Hello, ladies. Look into Billy's eyes and you'll know he's ready for love.

Do not talk during the show. Ever. Don't even breathe. Doing so implies disrespect, or worse, lack of interest.

You Know, They Oughta....

Our nonscientific poll of fans revealed stark differences between what men and women would like to see happen on Melrose Place. For example:

Women

Men

Amanda and Alison finaly work it out.

Amanda and Alison finally get it on.

Billy feels ture love in the arms of a good woman.

Billy feels true pain at the hands of a biker gang.

Matt gets his hands dirty in a proper plopt.

Matt stops confusing us by acting so straight.

Sydney takes control of her life, like we always knew she could.

Sydney takes off her colthes, like she did in that stripper episode.

Brooke comes back to life and meddles in the affairs of Billy and Alison.

Brooke comes back to life and becomes a stripper.

Michael gets paralyzed from the neck down and has to be spoon-fed for the rest of his life.

Michael gets it on with twins.

Kimberly learns to live with the demons from her past.

Kimberly learns to live with insanity, starts seeing visions of creepy ethnic guys again and blows up more stuff.

All the characters become involved in new and unexpected predicaments

All the characters become strippers and dance naked for the entire hour.