20 Questions: Jon Lovitz

When we started this interview with Jon Lovitz almost seven years ago, he was best known as the Master Thespian on "Saturday Night Live." His impersonations included former Democratic presidential candidate Michael Dukakis and the president of Pathological Liars Anonymous, Tommy Flanagan. When Lovitz exited "SNL' (with great regret) in 1990 to pursue a movie career, he left this interview unfinished because of his intensely demanding schedule. Only now, on the heels of such widely respected achievements as being the voice of cartoon movie reviewer Jay Sherman on "The Critic" on TV, plus roles in "A League of Their Own," "City Slickers II," "Big," "Three Amigos," "North"and "High School High," could Lovitz finally take a break to complete this "20 Questions." Contributing Editor David Rensin had patiently sat by the phone, forsaking all other work, waiting for Lovitz to reschedule. Rensin reports: "As befits his stature, Jon wanted to talk poolside at the Beverly Hills Hotel. For security purposes, the staff had cleared the area of bathers. As the wind swept past the empty cabanas, I took a seat on an adjacent deck chair and flipped on the tape recorder. Lovitz turned to me and, as if the passing years had simply been a feverish dream, said, 'So, as I was saying....' "

1.

[Q] Playboy: You're on the verge of leading man-hood. If you were a casting director looking for a Lovitz type, how would you describe what you wanted?

[A] Lovitz: A good character actor who will bring some flair to the part and be really funny. An off-beat leading man who you wouldn't normally cast in the part but who could be charming and vulnerable. Someone with superb screen presence. The embodiment of raw sexuality, pure lust and sexual heat.

2.

[Q] Playboy: Brad Pitt and George Clooney both seem to define today's leading man. Whose body would you choose to inhabit for a day and why?

[A] Lovitz: I know them both, but I know George better than Brad, so I think I'd like to be in Brad. That doesn't make me sound gay, does it? Anyway, he was named the World's Sexiest Man, and I wouldn't mind that for a day. I could just look around a room, point at the girls and say, "Hey, you. You." Now when I go into a room, it's, "Me? Me? How about me? What about me?" Actually, they're both great guys, nice and down-to-earth. Both have been around for years, working hard. They don't have fat heads. They're real smart. And after I've said all this they should both think I'm such a great guy that they'd want to be in my body for a day. No--again, that makes me sound gay. For the record, I like women.

3.

[Q] Playboy: Does that mean you can't discuss the hidden homoerotic appeal of submarine movies?

[A] Lovitz: No. I did see Crimson Tide, with Denzel Washington and Gene Hack-man, and I thought the acting was great. I took my friend Jennifer, and after the film I said, "So, what did you think?" She said, "It's just a big old penis movie." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "The submarine is shaped like a penis, the missile is shaped like a penis." I said, "What, do you want the missile to be shaped like a vagina, so when they say 'Fire missile one' it travels three feet, fills up with water and sinks? That'd be a great movie." Fortunately, she laughed.

4.

[Q] Playboy: Under what circumstances will you do a nude scene?

[A] Lovitz: I did one--in My Stepmother Is an Alien, with Kim Basinger. But she insisted it be cut because, as she said, "He's so beautiful in the nude that no one will look at me." I said, "I understand, dear." Of course, I will always be nude emotionally. I'm nude now, as we speak. Whenever I'm wearing clothes, I guarantee you, underneath it all I am nude. Nude as a bee. Tell you what: If I were to play Harvey Fierstein, then and only then would I do it. But I would have a body double.

5.

[Q] Playboy: How do women manage to control our self-esteem?

[A] Lovitz: When you're in bed with a woman, right after you've finished making love, whatever she does or says can build you up or crush you. If she's looking at you in ecstasy and smiling, then you're like, Yeah. You feel good. Everyone wants to be thought of as a great lover. But if, when you finish, she says, "Oh, get off," that can pretty much destroy you. When a guy finishes, all he wants to hear is, "You know, you're amazing. You're incredible. You make me feel like a complete woman." So it might be better for a woman to say nothing at all and leave it to the guy's imagination. But they don't. Women always want to talk. You're tired, it's late and you want to go to sleep. But they want to talk. And about what? "So, what did you do today?" "What are you thinking?" What I'm thinking is, Hey, that was great. Now shut up so I can go to sleep. I think what they want to hear is, "I love you. Will you marry me?" I think that's what they're getting at. So the answer should be, "I'm thinking that you're so beautiful. And, you know, that was so great, it just makes me want to relax. I want to fall asleep and dream about you." Right.

6.

[Q] Playboy: Share a love secret. What can you do to drive a woman wild?

[A] Lovitz: Does the phrase "hood up" mean anything to you?

7.

[Q] Playboy: How can the Liar tell when others are lying?

[A] Lovitz: He can't. He believes everything. And then he'll just capitalize on it and do you one better. If you said [points to artwork on a wall], "I painted that," the Liar would say, "Oh yeah, that's right. I saw your name at the bottom. Yeah. I posed for it. Remember?" "No, I don't remember that." "Well, I was wearing a mask. You didn't recognize me." This is something you can do with real pathological liars. They will believe anything you tell them, because they think they're putting one over on you. So if you know they're lying and you act like you believe them, you can lie right back. They don't have a clue, because they think that they're the only one lying.

8.

[Q] Playboy: Since you do so many characters, how do you handle getting bugged to do messages for people's answering machines?

[A] Lovitz: I don't care, really. It's usually for my friends. I do it [grimaces] and then they make me do it over and over for half an hour. They go, "No! That's not right! Make it funny, like this." They start directing me. They say, "No, wrong! Too long! Do this!" I'm always saying stuff they don't want on their machines. I usually do it as the Master Thespian. [Booming theatrical voice] "Hello, I can't come to the phone right now. I'm in the bathroom. So please leave a message and I'll----Oops! Sorry!"

9.

[Q] Playboy: What's the most demeaning job you've ever had?

[A] Lovitz: I was an orderly in a hospital for six months. I had to wipe people's butts after they took a shit. I wouldn't say it was demeaning, but I wouldn't want to do it again. I couldn't believe it. You're standing there wiping somebody's butt, going, "Gee, I wish I were onstage." Then I'd remember my father saying, "You want to act?" But I'd think, Why, when I can do this?

10.

[Q] Playboy: Now that you're a big star, how do you manage to resist taking advantage of women who throw themselves at you?

[A] Lovitz: And indeed they do. And they're all stunningly beautiful. So I think it's my duty to take advantage. Actually, I usually hear, "I love your work. I think you're funny. You bring joy into the world." I'd rather hear a beautiful woman say, "You're so funny. Let's go somewhere." The idea that women, when asked what's most important in a man, say "a sense of humor"--that's the biggest bunch of horseshit. OK: Here's my friend Joe; he's really funny. And here's the Sheik of Arabia. Who do you want to go out with? "Well, is the sheik funny?" No. "All right, I'll go out with the sheik." I mean, come on! Who are we kidding?

11.

[Q] Playboy: You like to go online. Do you tell people who you are? How often do you log on as a woman?

[A] Lovitz: I get online and I'm dying to tell people it's me. I go, "What do you think of Jon Lovitz?" They'll say "He's funny" or "He sucks" or something. Then I'll say, "Hey, I am Jon Lovitz" and they'll say, "Yeah, right. Yeah, that's the ticket." They don't believe it. Eventually one person will send me a private message asking, "You're really Jon Lovitz?" "Yes. Ask me anything." So he or she starts asking me stuff and then goes, "Oh my God."

I logged on as a lesbian once. The lesbian chat rooms are pretty fun--until you realize that every lesbian there is really a man trying to find a lesbian.

12.

[Q] Playboy: You've known Lisa Kudrow since she was a little girl. Did you ever have a crush on her? Are you still friends?

[A] Lovitz: Her brother, David Kudrow--he's now a neurologist--and I became best friends in about sixth grade. I was always at their house. Her parents are like my parents. When I was in college and she was about 14 we would always talk about acting. I got her a book about auditioning and wrote in it: "To My Fellow Thespian." When I was on Saturday Night Live I encouraged her to take classes at the Groundlings Theater, and she did. Now she tells me I inspired her. That makes me feel pretty good.

I never had a crush on her, but I've always liked her. She's like my sister. My mom and her mom once tried to set us up, but I said, 'Jesus, it'd be like seeing David's face coming at me for a kiss."

13.

[Q] Playboy: What is the most amazing thing you've ever found in a woman's purse?

[A] Lovitz: Well, it was kind of weird. She was crazy. A friend of mine set me up with her, and I said, "Are you seeing anyone now?" She said, "No. I was, but we just broke up." I said, "What was he like?" And she said, "Here, judge for yourself," and she pulled out a little box and opened it. In it was his dick. It had the initials DC, and it was very little. And then she rubbed it, and you could kind of see Dan ... Car.... And then she rubbed it a little more, and it said Dana Carvey.

14.

[Q] Playboy: If the Liar were on television today, who would be his Morgan Fairchild and why?

[A] Lovitz: Gwyneth Paltrow. It would be funny because everyone knows she's with Brad Pitt. [As the Liar] "She's actually with me. I lent her to Brad. I didn't tell him. Or her. I might spring it on them someday. I secretly married her--without her knowledge."

15.

[Q] Playboy: How do you go about building self-confidence?

[A] Lovitz: When you look in the mirror, know that the handsome fellow staring back at you is indeed you. But however good you look, know that he's two-dimensional and you're three-dimensional, and so you look even better.

16.

[Q] Playboy: What doesn't look good on you?

[A] Lovitz: Thank you. What doesn't look good on me!

17.

[Q] Playboy: You share a beach house with another guy. What do you do when he's entertaining someone?

[A] Lovitz: When he has a date over, and he's sitting on the couch with her, I like to plop down next to her and say, "Hi. Want to be alone?" I do everything I can to embarrass him. He always says, "I'll get you later." It's a lot of fun.

18.

[Q] Playboy: Many actors experience anxiety after they finish a project and fear they'll never get another job. How do you handle the pressure?

[A] Lovitz: After I left Saturday Night Live I kept thinking, Should I have left? Should I have left? I did that for about two years. Then I got a job and I was OK. The best lesson I learned about this was from William Shatner, when he hosted Saturday Night Live. Every week I'd be all anxiety-ridden and tense, and they'd say, "You've got to work on your scene." But when Shatner hosted the show, he seemed so relaxed. I said, "How do you do it?" He said, 'Just ... do it." The next week I tried to relax. I realized that all anyone was asking was whether I could walk from the door to the couch and then speak. I knew how to walk. I knew how to speak. So I just did it, and I found it worked. Instead of worrying about being funny, I was fine--perhaps not more funny, but not less funny than when I was all tied up inside.

19.

[Q] Playboy: What's the appeal of the hooker in Hollywood?

[A] Lovitz: Well, they're really pretty, and they're really good in bed--so I've heard. I think the appeal to any man is that there's nothing involved but pure sex and lust. In Japan and France men have mistresses. It's not natural for a man to be in a monogamous relationship. Your testosterone is going all the time. For women to say that men are pigs because they want to sleep with a lot of women is like saying women are ridiculous because they want to be with one man, have kids and nest. It's our instinct. It's just the way it is. If a man were able to impregnate a woman only once a month, he'd have to hook up with a person on the right cycle. The species would probably die. It would be hell if both sexes had to check their temperatures with those basal thermometers all the time. One of us always has to be ready to go, and it just so happens it's the man.

20.

[Q] Playboy: During City Slickers II you interviewed Jack Palance for Movieline. What's the question that you didn't get to ask?

[A] Lovitz: I asked it, only they left it out. I said: "Now, Jack, you were a professional heavyweight boxer, then you went on to make movies. You're known as a real tough guy. But what I want to know is: If you had been born a woman, what would you want to look like?" He said, "I wouldn't change a thing."

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