20 Questions: Téa Leoni

Many writers have tried to put actress Téa Leoni into words. The 31-year-old star of NBC's "The Naked Truth" (now in its third season) has been called "a combination of sex appeal and banana peel"; "gorgeous and game, the kind of girl a Philip Roth character would go crazy for"; "Lucille Ball meets Sharon Stone" and a "screwball heroine for the Nineties." Though all accurate, they still fail to capture the whole package. It's not just that she's sexy, though she is. It's not just that she knows her way around a golf course, though that's true, too. Leoni's indescribability is what has everyone hooked. Leoni has played in TV shows as diverse as the pilot for "Angels '88" (a revived "Charlie's Angels") and the sitcom "Flying Blind," as well as in movies such as "Bad Boys," "Flirting With Disaster" and the forthcoming "Deep Impact," yet showbiz may not know quite what to do with her. But everyone, clearly, wants to do more. We sent Contributing Editor David Rensin--who once played a round of golf with the actress and received good advice about his swing--to see what Leoni had to say for herself. Says Rensin, "Any time she needs a golfing companion, I'm available."

1.

Playboy: You just got hitched to David Duchovny. Was it tough to keep a celebrity marriage from the media?

Leoni: For the wedding ceremony, we tried to be as tricky as we could be. But David's fake mustache was obviously a bad idea when we went for the marriage license. We thought about having me wear it, but I passed. I did wear a hat, but I got hot. What's most difficult about being so private is that you piss off a lot of friends. It's an odd thing.

We were so excited that we wanted to tell everyone, but I couldn't bring myself to say, "Yeah, we are getting married, but could you not tell anybody?" That struck me as rude and presumptuous and egotistical. So we said nothing except to those who would be present, and we decided to deal with everyone else later. Does this sound like an apology? I guess it is. In the end, I couldn't keep it a secret, anyway. The only nonfamily people I told were my gynecologist, my lawyer and my shrink--and they were all legally bound to keep their mouths shut.

2.

Playboy: We all saw the tabloid wedding photos. Will they be part of your wedding album?

Leoni: [Laughs] No. The funniest thing is that afterward someone from a tabloid called our manager with an offer of $250,000 for a picture from the ceremony. We thought, Hey, let's do it. Let's send it in. $250,000! All right. Let's give it to my brother, who clicked off a few rolls. But we didn't do it. I wish the tabs had offered to send us a few of their pictures, because ours didn't come out that well. No one in the family is a professional photographer. It's so horrible because you can't really go back. It's lost. On the other hand, I've always been of the school that says you should never take pictures on vacation because then you don't really pay attention. You're taking the picture like you'll pay attention later when you get the film back. If you don't have a camera you have to really eat it up and be there in the moment. So given the circumstances, it worked out because we were very attentive to the moment. I really don't miss that there are no photos. Besides, I won't have to look at them years from now and say, "Boy, was I thin then."

3.

Playboy: Where are you registered? Describe your discussions about bed linens. Satin, flowered, geometric or plain white?

Leoni: We're not registered. We're old. The trousseau has already been unpacked. We love golf things, though, so we wanted gifts like days on the course. If I were to imagine a conversation about household items and linens, I'd guarantee we wouldn't mention white. White is like a page that will tell a story. I don't think you want your linens to talk. And I've never really been one for the virginal routine. David, thank God, isn't into the brown-and-navy satin of bachelordom--the sheets you think you have to change only once a month. Also, when you sleep on satin sheets-- which I once did--your toenails snag. No matter how well pedicured your feet are, there is something about satin sheets that makes them grab at you. If you have a scab on your elbow, satin sheets will rip it off. So, no white, no satin, no flowers and no geometrics. Aw, hell, I guess we'll just sleep on the floor.

4.

Playboy: What does The Naked Truth have that other sitcoms are missing-- besides a provocative title?

Leoni: Sexuality for women. There was a period in the Seventies and Eighties when women felt they had to give up their sexuality to compete in a man's world. I saw that reflected on television. We got asexual female characters. I believe sexuality is at least good for a laugh, especially when its use backfires. So I wanted to play a character who wasn't afraid to put her best leg forward. I told this to writer Chris Thompson and he came up with The Naked Truth. I thought it was great. Actually, anything with the word naked in it is.

The title itself is a story. ABC wanted Wild Thing. Not on your life was that going to happen. "Well, see, her name is Nora Wilde, and she's kind of wild, so it could be Wild Thing. And we'll play that song. Who did that song?" That wasn't a fun meeting, but for the ten minutes immediately following, in the parking lot, we laughed our asses off.

5.

Playboy: You've said that Nora Wilde has better breasts than you. Care to elaborate?

Leoni: I think it's a statement that stands on its own, don't you? But OK: She exploits her breasts better than I do. She has much more expensive lingerie, and those bras can do amazing tricks. That's it, really. I haven't seen her in the shower, so I can't be any more specific.

6.

Playboy: Big lips are the rage. Yours are svelte. Are you the harbinger of the Lip Lite decade? What can thin lips do that thick lips can't?

Leoni: I'm certainly not the tight lip. Perhaps the articulate lip, not that what comes from my lips is always that clear. But imagine if I had those bee-stung, floppy things sort of smacking away at the front of my mouth. . . . Oh hell, that sounds like pure envy, and, by golly, I think it is! I (continued on page 156) Téa Leoni(continued from page 125) think thin lips bob better for apples, since the bee-stung variety just pushes the apple out of the way before the rest of the mouth gets there.

7.

Playboy: If you were a meal, what meal would you be?

Leoni: Lobster. Nobody eats lobster when they're sad. Nobody eats it just because there's nothing else around. They have to be excited for lobster. There's a hard shell and pincers, but there are tools for getting past that. It's easy to crack if gentle pressure is applied to the right places. And then you get into every bit of the body and all this great meat, and you dip it in butter. And no lobster bib. You don't want to miss a drop.

8.

Playboy: You're a diehard golfer. Would you play with O.J.?

Leoni: No. I don't even have a sense of humor about it anymore. We all did once, but it's become exhausting. In interviews I'm asked, "What's your opinion about the O.J. thing?" Not that you asked it, but that's not a smart question. What are you looking for? Do you want me to impress you with something different, like "He didn't do it"? That'll never happen. But tell you what. Here's the last thing I'll say about O.J.: He's got a horrible, disgraceful swing. I've seen it on camera. I don't want to help him, mind you. The last thing I want to do is help his game, but I will be arrogant enough to let you believe that I could teach him a few things about golf. His legs are too far apart, he's off-balance. He leans off at every finished swing. He is always off-balance. You could push him over.

9.

Playboy: What's your tactic when you play with guys and you're better?

Leoni: I need one. For some reason I can really drive the ball, and I'm getting better. So I've played with men I've outdriven. A great way to suss out their ego status is when I say, "Well, I had about a 40-yard advantage off the tee." If they don't correct me, because it was actually only five or six yards, then I know the size of their ego. In fact, I'll always add an extra 20 yards to my advantage. If I hear, "Well, yeah, I guess that's right . . ." then I know.

10.

Playboy: Describe the moment when a tomboy discovers that she has power over real boys.

Leoni: The first time you fight one and win. [Pauses] Oh, not that kind of power. I was still a tomboy when I had my first kiss, which I guess means you could pretty much call it a homosexual experience. [Smiles] I remember he got all gooey and excited, certainly physically in a way that I didn't, and I knew I had him. I knew he'd never punch me again. We used to fight all the time. Play dates were easy to get after that.

11.

Playboy: What's more stressful: expectations of success in TV or expectations of success in love?

Leoni: Love. The question I always ask myself is whether or not I'll be good enough. I have an issue with being good enough. But if I'm not good enough on TV, it doesn't hurt that bad. Not being good enough in love would be harder to take. That said, I'm not sure what good enough is in the first place. I suppose it's not a place you get to; it's more like a state of being. It's not there, it's here. Now, how pretentious does that sound? I suppose if I had been good enough in love before, I'd be married and have kids, a house, a picket fence and a Volvo. [Belches and smiles] Sorry. Just in case you need to spell that, I think it's "hhhrrrfffpppp." Anyway, I've spent a healthy tax return on therapy for this issue and I just want to say that I intend to keep going until every one of my shrink's kids has gone to college in Europe.

12.

Playboy: You've lived in various parts of the world. What has that taught you about life that you might otherwise not have known?

Leoni: OK, time to get kind of weird. I saw other cultures and met people with different life experiences, and I realized that while not everybody has known great happiness, almost everybody has known pain. It just was an odd thought. One would need a conversation to know if someone had ever been as in love, been as happy, felt as much glory or as much suspense and longing. But no conversation is necessary to know that someone had definitely been sad. Sometimes when I see a grumpy character I'll try to picture that person at the age of five, under a Christmas tree, with no presents. It's an easy way to remind myself that there's pain everywhere and a lack of compassion, in myself as well. And yet just the act of expressing this publicly intimidates me. This began to happen when I gained a certain degree of celebrity. I guess I'm afraid people won't be sure I mean it. They'll think I'm just being pretentious. I sometimes get angry when I hear other celebrities talking like this. I don't want to regret having a compassionate philosophy, or being vocal about it. I'd like to be heard with a kind ear. I think we have to extend a piece of our hearts to the world. Just do it. If a bum wants a dollar, give it to him. Let's not waste our time wondering why, or if someone's being sincere. If they're asking, that's all that matters.

13.

Playboy: If you could be named after a country, which would it be?

Leoni: I think probably Tonga. It'd make me sound like I was feisty and had rhythm. There's something sexy about Tonga. So: Tonga Leoni. It works, doesn't it? Actually I'm not nuts about Téa Leoni. One night my dad, my mom, my brother and I--we have a whole lot of fun together--were a little tipsy and were laughing about what would be a good stage name. This was just as I was beginning to need one. We came up with some of the funniest names: Peá Tanta, Téa Panta, Lea Pea, Lea Pea Tate. Three names are good, but that's usually reserved for presidential candidates and serial killers, neither of which I see myself becoming in the next five years. But I love Tonga Leoni. What's interesting is that I went to school with Masasu Talingalonguwa, who was the son of the "big man" in Tonga. Masasu's father kept saying he wasn't the king of Tonga, and in fact he wasn't. But when you asked him anything about the educational system, he'd say, "Well, as head of the educational department for Tonga, blah-blah-blah." I'd say, "Aside from tourism, which is limited, how do you make money in Tonga? Do you work only with Tongan coin?" He'd say, "Well, as head of the chamber of commerce for Tonga, what we try to do is. . . ." I'd say, "Do people get sick in Tonga? What kind of disease is in Tonga?" "Well, as chief medical advisor at Tonga International Hospital. . . ." It was hysterical.

14.

Playboy: During the show's first season your character was a tabloid photographer. Write your own tabloid headline along with the first couple of sentences.

Leoni: Oh, no! Not that one. OK. It would be something like: LEONI FOUND NAKED ON GOLF COURSE. I'm dying to play golf naked, but I don't see it happening in the near future. It's hard to get 18 holes clear of everybody else, and it would have to be clear of everybody else. So, maybe just LEONI FOUND SEMINAKED ON 18TH HOLE. Then, the first sentence would be: "Téa Leoni, after having shot the best round of her life, was discovered in panties, cheering, on the 18th hole." That would be a good story. I'd like to read that. I'd like to do that.

15.

Playboy: During The Naked Truth's move from ABC to NBC, the peacock network's entertainment president, Warren Littlefield, said that you "just feel like NBC." What does NBC feel like?

Leoni: [Giggles] I so can't answer that. The only thing that comes to mind is Warren groping Friends stars. In my fantasy, that must be what the quote is about. I know that he has never groped me, and it's highly unlikely that he has ever groped anybody else. Honestly, I have no idea what he was talking about. Or what you're talking about.

16.

Playboy: You've admitted to fantasizing about being a tollbooth attendant. What would make us switch to your lane?

Leoni: I would be the best toll collector. Let me expand on that so you don't think I'm just odd. When I was six years old my family used to drive back and forth between New Jersey and New York over the George Washington Bridge. And every time my dad would hand money to this guy in the booth. I used to think, Look at all these cars--and this is just one moment in the day. By the end of the day, everybody's given you a buck-fifty--or a buck, depending on how accurate I want to be about my age. You'd make thousands of dollars being in that booth. And it was warm in there, and butt-cold outside, and you had music. What more did you need for a job? You'd say "Hi" to everybody and they'd say "Hi" back, unless they were jerks. It seemed idyllic.

17.

Playboy: What piece of infomercial exercise equipment wouldn't you be caught dead with at home?

Leoni: I wouldn't be caught dead with any of them. We had Suzanne Somers on the show with her bun-warper or whatever it's called. No, it was the Thigh Master. I nearly knocked myself out with that. All I remember is this thick blue foam heading into my face at around 80 miles an hour. And when I woke up I was watching, from a ground view, Suzanne Somers demonstrating the correct way to use her product. I was humiliated. I'll never go back. P.S., I order off the TV all the time. I love CDs like The Best of the Seventies.

18.

Playboy: You went to the exclusive Brearley School. We know what they say about Catholic girls, but is it true what they say about Brearley girls?

Leoni: Let me tell you right now that the school mascot is a beaver. Help me. Why? I don't think you have to be that hip to put two and two together. It's an all-girl school in New York and the mascot is a beaver. Busy beavers. The Brearley Beavers. I never recovered from that. Needless to say, I don't own a school ring.

19.

Playboy: What part of your wardrobe do you pay the least attention to?

Leoni: I honestly don't care about any of it. It's probably because I'm not any good at it, so I keep my wardrobe simple. I probably have 20 white shirts, button down, and 20 blue ones. And a couple of white-and-blue striped. I have probably 20 pairs of pleated pants with a wide-cuff bottom. And I always wear a cardigan wrapped around instead of buttoned, and my pearls. You might say I like uniforms. I like the idea that I can go into my closet and not have to think. I just grab a white or a blue shirt; if I'm really feeling crazy, I grab one of the striped ones.

20.

Playboy: What's your nervous tic?

Leoni: If I'm in bed for the first time, so to speak, I squish my feet around a lot. My feet get cold and I try to warm them, and that's from when I was a kid and had footsie pajamas. When I couldn't sleep I always put my feet on the wall and raced them back and forth. Now I don't have a wall, or footsie pajamas. P.S., Here's how weird it gets: I like to sleep in my Vans tennis shoes. I don't know why; sometimes I just don't want to take my shoes off. And while we're on the subject of being in bed, I hate a tucked-in top sheet. I have to pull it up. When you go to hotels that do hospital corners, you lie in bed and your toes are slammed forward like a ballerina's. It drives me nuts. I like everything untucked.

tv's proto dame gives us the naked truth about her nuptials, her insecurities and o.n.'s pathetic golf swing

O.J.'s got a horrible, disgraceful swing. The last thing I want to do is help his game.