Why Women Say Yes

Real Stories About Finding The Key To The Bedroom Door

We Beg, we plead. We cajole, we woo. We lavish them with compliments, we lavish them with presents. We show up at their doors with flowers and candy. We take them to concerts, movies and sporting events featuring the highly paid spokesmen of sporting-goods manufacturers. We take them to restaurants that feature the cuisine of countries we used to be at war with. And yes, we even meet the parents.

Sometimes, a beautiful and meaningful thing comes of all this. Sometimes, they let down their guard--as well as their skirts, their blouses, their wispy undergarments--and consent to have sex with us. And even when we are so blessed and rewarded, we still have a nagging sense of unknowing. At our core, we are uncertain of why they said yes. Was it something we said? Something we did? If it was, would it have the same glorious effect if we were to say it or do it again? Or is it all just whim? Or fatigue? Or the invigorating thought that every once in a while they just want to tear off a piece too?

We recruited Alison Lundgren and Tracey Pepper to help us out. They asked some women to think back to those moments when the sexual scale could have tipped either way, and then clue us in on why it tipped in our favor. Here's what they found out.

Claudia, 24: Intensity turns me on. I once dated an artist who asked me to model for him. I told him I wouldn't model nude, so he agreed to draw just my face. We went to his apartment and I sat there while he stared at me, sketching every hair and freckle. He examined the texture of my skin and the lines of my face. It was strange, yet intimate and sensual because he was totally focused on me, peering into my eyes for hours. After that I felt attached to him, like he knew every inch of me by heart. I figured if he was that focused he would be great in bed.

Kelly, 28: Recklessness gets me aroused. I'll definitely respond to a guy with a certain mischievous gleam in his eye. A guy who's macho, who will fight for me if need be, makes me feel very feminine. Once, a guy I liked and I broke up with our significant others on the same night. To commiserate, we drank some beer and drove around for hours. The fact that he kept driving and promising that everything would be OK made me feel close to him.

Carolyn, 25: I will likely say yes to a guy who doesn't expect me to have sex with him. When I'm hooking up with someone and he whispers that he has a condom or--my favorite--that he "wants to be inside me," it makes me want to laugh and/or cringe. It's like an after-school special or a bad soap opera. The guys who don't seem so eager intrigue me. But those guys are few and far between.

Gwynnie, 35: Sex should be fun, romantic, intense and bonding. I like to experience a range of emotions, so I'll say yes to a guy who will provide any or all of those things. I watch guys to see how they act on a date. If a man is animated out of bed, for example, he is probably great in bed. If he's lame during dinner, he'll be a lousy lover.

Lisa, 30: If a guy catches me off guard, it will move me to say yes. Recently, I was out with a group of people at a bar that was about to close. I'd met the sexy bar owner before but he hadn't seemed interested. That night, he was exceptionally nice to me. He said he had just broken up with his girlfriend, and I realized he had potential--not just for one night but also to hang with. When the bar closed, he asked me to stay for a drink and I figured, Why not? I liked him and wanted him to like me. He turned off all the lights and cranked up the Dave Matthews Band. We sat at the bar and kissed, with the streetlights coming in the window, then we decided to move back to the velvet couch by the pool table. He said he hadn't had sex in a while, and I felt I had an overwhelming power to make him feel good. He joked about bad things that were going on in his life. His great sense of humor took the edge off the fact that we didn't know each other very well. And he wanted to know about me--what I did and where I was from. It was refreshing to be with someone who was real, who wasn't talking about how great he was the whole time. When he found out I had no underwear on, it was a done deal.

Nicole, 26: I like men who are conservative but have a wild side. I went out a few times with this guy who had the khaki pants-loafers-buttondown shirt thing going on. He was well mannered, well dressed, well read and didn't seem funky or offbeat at all. Boring! One night we went out for a drive and he played me a tape of this great band. Turns out that it was his writing, singing and guitar playing we were listening to. From then on, I saw him as an artistic, creative, complete person. I couldn't wait to find out what was under his buttondown.

Hannah, 28: Sweet men get my vote. On my third date with one guy, we took a bike ride up and down the lake. We'd stop and make out, then keep riding. When it started to get dark out, he said he wanted ice cream. Most guys would want to go to a bar and try to get me drunk and into bed. But he wanted ice cream, which showed me he was caring and sensual.

Emma, 27: My first impression of my current boyfriend was that he was a complete dork I wouldn't sleep with in a million years. But he engaged me in a very comical conversation about all the women he had slept with. At first I thought, This guy? What do other women see in him that I don't? As we talked, I realized how sexually confident he was. He was sarcastic and annoying, yet flirty. I was intrigued. He came on to me even though I tried to blow him off. The more outrageous the stories he told, the more I wanted him. It was like verbal foreplay. Then he started bragging about his huge penis. That should have been a red flag, but it was funny. In fact, he offered to show it to me. I wanted to see if he was telling the truth, and we ended up having the wildest sex I've ever had.

Teri, 51: The most important thing is that the man makes me feel like I'm the sexiest, most sensual woman he's ever been with. It's what he does for my ego, how mentally good he makes me feel, that draws me in. I'm flat-chested--a 34B--but one of the best men I've ever been with made me feel like the most voluptuous woman in the world. The things that I felt vulnerable about were the things he said attracted him to me. He made me feel so wanted, which made me want him.

Betsy, 23: I met my current boyfriend at a party my roommates and I threw. I'd seen him before and thought he was cute. We put on disco music and I tried to get my boyfriend at the time to dance, but he wouldn't. So I was out there alone, making a fool of myself, until the cute guy rescued me. We danced, cheesy couples style, and really got into it. He was very physical and aware of my body, putting his hands on my back and hips. I wanted to sleep with him because he was game for anything and not so uptight as the person I was seeing. After my boyfriend and I broke up, I saw the guy in a bar and asked him out.

Micha, 25: I'll eventually give in to a guy who is persistent in his attempts to get me to go out with him. But someone hitting on you needs to recognize when persistence becomes annoying. Guys, if a woman walks away from you while you're talking to her, that's a good sign to give up.

Sadie, 35: When a man touches me at just the right time during a date, it can really heat things up. It tells me that he can read a woman, that he has a good sense of timing. Say I'm walking down the street with a man I like. We've just finished dinner at a cozy restaurant, we're on the way to the car, and he slips his arm around my waist. There's something about that particular gesture that's so nice, so unthreatening. It's not an overtly sexual move--like grabbing my butt--it's a subtle signal that he wants to get close to me. Few men know this trick, but it works.

Amy, 29: I'm totally into music, so naturally I fall for guys who are also music lovers. One guy I slept with was a DJ, and his CD collection spanned from Ella Fitzgerald to Aerosmith to Prodigy. Every time he played a song I'd say, "Yes--I love this song!" We talked for hours about music, movies, TV, whatever. Connecting with him on this pop culture-type level made me feel comfortable enough to take the relationship further.

Lola, 34: Women are suckers for funny guys. My boyfriend is hilarious, and it's so attractive. Say I have PMS, I feel fat and sex is the last thing on my mind. All he has to do is say something to make me laugh and I want to jump his bones. Cracking a joke makes me care less about how I look and reminds me why I started dating him in the first place--he's fun. Next thing you know, we're cracking up in bed.

Marcelle, 25: It takes a lot for me to even want to smooch a guy, much less have sex with him. Before I go out with a guy, I ask around to find out his reputation. This is basically to alleviate my fears that he's a shady character with skeletons in the closet, like a weird drug habit or fucked-up past relationships. After two or three dates, when we've established that there's chemistry between us and he's shown he's willing (concluded on page 70) why women say yes (continued from page 62) to wait for a goodnight kiss, I'll let him kiss me. If he's a good kisser, it doesn't take long for sex to follow. I also have an open-door policy for ex-boyfriends. They've already passed the tests, so they can come back whenever.

Dawn, 19: During my college's holiday vacation, a good friend of mine who had AIDS killed himself. I was totally freaked out when I returned to campus. The first day back I ran into a guy friend who found me sitting on the library roof staring into space. He knew my friend had been sick and asked if I wanted to get coffee. We sat in a coffeehouse for hours. He let me talk about my friend the entire time. We left and went to sit on the Harvard Bridge. It was cold, so he gave me his jacket. Next thing I knew, we were making out on the bridge. The fact that he let me spill my guts and was my best friend for the night made me curious about him as a lover. Turns out he was just as generous in bed.

Gretchen, 26: Back rubs do it for me every time. If a guy proves he has a nice touch and takes the time to pleasure me with a massage, he'll probably be a good lover. And most guys don't realize that little things mean a lot, like holding hands at the movies or helping me put on my coat.

Hillary, 36: Food is sensual, and I'll usually hop in the sack with a man who cooks for me. Once a guy cooked me this amazing seafood pasta dinner. No recipe, he just knew which ingredients would be the most flavorful. It was delicious. I jumped him before he had time to clear the table.

Lee Ann, 34: A guy who is willing to spend the whole day with me, doing the things I like to do, deserves sex. The fact that he's there to be with me no matter what we're doing means he's generous, that he'll make sacrifices for me. Just last week, I took the guy I like shopping, to a movie, then to dinner at my favorite restaurant. I figured he was bored all day, so I gave him a blow job in the car on the way home.

Kirsty, 29: I know some women think watching X-rated movies is a weird, perverted activity that men do alone or at bachelor parties. I disagree. If a guy brings over a decent X-rated movie, I find it highly erotic. By decent I mean one in which the guys look as good as the girls (meaning no appearances from Ron Jeremy), there are no freaks (such as shemales) and there are no nasty rape scenes. There's something about being with a man, watching other people have sex, that makes me feel like a powerful, sexy voyeur. After 20 minutes of the flick I want to get crazy in bed.

Jennifer, 23: I'm a big fan of tough guys with hidden sensitive sides. You know, the fearless rebel who's difficult to get close to but who will take his little sister out to dinner on her birthday. Musicians and pool players also do it for me. As far as appearances go, long-haired guys always hook me fast. But I'll never say yes to a guy who actually puts effort into fixing his hair. It usually means he's self-centered.

Maya, 30: Creativity is a total turn-on. The best lovers I've had have been painters, sculptors, musicians and writers. Not only are these guys in touch with their emotions (meaning they're more in touch with women), they're also more apt to hang around and cuddle after sex instead of jumping up to get to the office for an early meeting. But I do have my standards. A few rhymed words from a coffeehouse poet doesn't mean the guy's a true artist. The words or images have to speak to me to get my hormones revved.

Jeanne, 25: A guy who lets me take the lead is one I'll spend the night with. I have a strong nurturing side, which makes me responsive to vulnerable men. One night in college, the virgin I was dating said he wanted to have sex. He was nervous, and I wasn't sure how good it would be, but I finally said yes. I had to show him how to do everything, which was a complete turn-on. As I led him around the curves of my body, I knew he was relying on me to teach him how to make me feel good.

Joyce, 33: Common consideration is the first step. A man who listens to me goes from my "no" to my "maybe" list. He has to show interest in me by asking questions and has to open up himself. I want to know what he likes and dislikes, and vice versa, before we get it on. After several conversations, when we've bonded, I'll bump him up to "yes" status. If he's willing to stick it out for a few months without sex until I'm ready, he won't regret it.

Sally, 22: I'm embarrassed to say this, but I have a weakness for bad boys. They're so cool. I once had a crazy fling with a lecherous older man. He was hooked on heroin and frequently lost his erection but loved to entertain pretty young women. He was nothing but sex, sex, sex. It was exciting. He had a way of looking me up and down, calling me "darling" as if he were surveying merchandise. It made me angry, but it also aroused me.

Kim, 21: This sounds shallow, but a man who makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world is a man I'll take off my clothes for. Women are insecure. The way to our hearts is through making us feel good about ourselves. I want my guy to tell me I'm gorgeous, pamper me with gifts and shower me with attention. Am I spoiled? Sure, but girls who say they don't want this are kidding themselves.

Marie, 36: I don't like men who try to impress me with material items. I don't want things bought for me, I want things done for me. If my beau goes away with his buddies for a "male bonding weekend" and calls to say hi, I'll melt. It can also be e-mail or flowers for no reason. My boyfriend once surprised me with a treasure hunt. I got home to find a note pinned to our door. It gave me directions for finding the next note. He hid clues all over the apartment, each leading to the next. At the end of the line, I found my birthday present. I don't remember the gift, but I'll never forget the hunt and what came after it.

Suzanne, 18: It's not what a guy says, it's how he says it. A man could be talking about changing a tire for all I care, but if he looks deep into my eyes and sounds sincere, I'm his.

Amy, 23: I have a thing for romantic guys. That means moonlit walks, candlelit baths and rose petals on my pillow. I don't care if he's a big tough guy around his friends. If he can do romantic things around me without cringing, I know I've seen behind the facade and found a softy at heart.

Francesca, 40: It's all about taking risks. I never say no to sex in the office. My boyfriend works in my building, so when he comes to visit, he has this "I don't care if your boss is next door, I want you now" demeanor. It's so sexy, like he'd risk anything--even embarrassment--for me. We lock the door and get it on.

Ellen, 41: A man with a great mind, who's smart and can talk about lots of different subjects, is a requirement. I once dated a professor who could hold his own about everything from Nietzsche to the Green Bay Packers to the Rolling Stones. He was never boring, in or out of bed.

Tricia, 23: Let's be honest. If I've had enough martinis, I'll say yes to anyone.