A Guy's Guide to Dating

After college, dating becomes an increasingly complex and frustrating endeavor. Simply finding women is tough. Freaky as most college women seem, they aren't too difficult to track down. Just go to class or hang out at the local bar--you're bound to bump into one. And unlike in the real world, you're guaranteed to have something in common with them. You're both going to college--the same college--so you already have something to talk about, Even guys with limited imaginations can ask "What's your major?" and probably do all right. It's a winwin situation that, sadly, doesn't exist ouside the comfy confines of higher learning.

The problem with finding women in the outside world is that they're spread out all over the place. It may seem like an impossible dream, but rest assured, the woman of your fancy is out there somewhere. If you're willing to do some legwork and explore all the options, you may be able to track her down. The best thing you can do is visit places where single women congregate. Lucky for you we've already done your research and investigated the most popular pickup places.

Bars

Upside: Dim lights and beer goggles make her unlikely to react negatively to your appearance and will also make her more attractive to you. For the introduction-impaired, buying a drink provides an easy--if clichéd--entree. If you're both stupid you can always commune by the jukebox and bond over exchanges like, "Wow, you love No Doubt? I love No Doubt!"

Downside: Most women travel to bars in a herd, and you can expect the pack's defenses to be up. If they begin growling, do not raise your hackles, display your claws, fan your tail plumage or puff your neck sac. They're already wise to those tricks. Frankly, when in a bar, they're wise to every trick. A bar is to meeting women what "knock-knock" is to joke telling, so any attempt to talk will be construed as a hackneyed pickup. No matter how subtle and charming you think you are, you're coming off with the elegance of a giraffe onice skates.

Bottom Line: A man on the make in a bar gives a woman the same sense of warmth and security she feels when she's being followed out of a car park at two a.m. Taverns are for drinking, playing pool and grunting at the moon. As for everything else, a great big "go easy" to you.

Clubs

Upside: They are big, they are noisy, they're hip and they're chock full of beautiful bulimics. The music is so loud you don't have to (continued on page 160)Guide to Dating(continued from page 79) worry about conversational skills or remember niggling details like her name. Park yourself at a table and try to look cool, or get out on the floor and try to look cool, or head for the bathroom and try to look cool. It doesn't matter who you are, what you do or whether you speak the Queen's English so long as you reek of all things cool. If you know the club's liquor distributor, fire inspector or garbage collector (or just know a guy who does), you can also get a VIP pass--which cements your coolness, you supercool dude, you.

Downside: Who really wants to date an eating-disordered model wannabe? Odds are she actually works in retail and has more relationship issues than you can shake a stick at. And while we're at it, don't go shaking sticks. God knows what repressed memory that could dredge up. It comes down to a basic issue: Do you really want to stalk the short-lived, fragile life-form known as cool? Clubbing turns into a big game about pecking order, and if you're unlucky you'll be at the top one day. As you're being ushered into a throbbing ex-warehouse with a bevy of wired jail-bait cuties hanging on every twitch of your Marlboro, you're going to wonder why you didn't get a life instead.

Bottom Line: Clubs work if your standards are low. But why not save the money you're blowing on Armani Exchange and embark on more-creative pursuits like auto theft or narcolepsy?

Work

Upside: Try before you buy. You get to know her, she gets to know you and you both have a frame of reference beyond beer breath. Although she may still suspect that you are a woman-hating serial killer, the fact that you behave normally at work may allay her fears for a while. To top it off, according to a study by Sanford Braver, a psychologist at Arizona State University, the more handsome you are, the less likely you are ever to be accused of misconduct. It would seem the beautiful can do no wrong.

Downside: Professor Braver also discovered that if a man was unattractive, he couldn't say "hello" without it being construed as sexual harassment. The moral of this story is clear: Life ain't fair, particularly when you're ugly. And breaking up is a problem. You will still see plenty of her around the office. Unless you enjoy strained smiles and cold stares, think twice before pirating the company software.

Bottom Line: Obviously, if you aren't as good-looking as you think, it's firing-and-fining time for your sorry ass--no matter how subtle your moves. Sure, there's been a backlash against sexual harassment suits in the past few years, but who's to say there won't be a backlash against the backlash? And then a backlash against all the previous backlashes? Sexual politics move so quickly that by the time we've noticed a trend, added it to the newest version of our upcoming book and waited for our publisher to consult the bones of his ancestors and ship the thing into bookstores, we're already one backlash behind. For now we'll just say that the office is a decent place to meet women, sort of, depending on the time of year and what kind of hair day you're having. We'd say more but we feel a backlash coming.

Weddings

Upside: People are relaxed. Romance is in the air. The champagne is flowing. She's dressed up. You're dressed up. Odds are one of you has a hotel room. By the time the reception starts everyone's past the jitters from watching a friend get hitched and they're feeling sentimental about the guy-girl thing. There are oodles of excuses--from "How 'bout that cake?" to "How 'bout that DJ?"--to introduce yourself without seeming like a freak or a pervert. The labyrinthine defenses of the average woman are at an all-time low. Like we said, one, or both, of you has a hotel room. And it's nearby, so let's go on up, just, you know, to talk and stuff, and what room number are you in again?

Downside: Somebody's uncle will get overexcited and vomit on a table. Trust us on this one, and try not to be there when it happens. You should also try to be across the room when somebody's father vomits on a table. Also, steer clear of the bride's father; he'll just talk about how much everything costs. But it's OK to sit at the table where somebody's aunt has passed out facedown in a slow-spreading stain of red wine. You can even score points by acting compassionate. Pat her on the back occasionally and say, "There, there, it will be all right."

Bottom Line: Assuming a friend of yours is getting married, a wedding is hands down the best place to meet women. However, if it's a family obligation, be prepared to vomit on a table or pass out. If you want to drink without getting sick, limit yourself to simple mixed drinks such as vodka gimlets or rum and Cokes. It is an established fact that all catering companies get their wine from ex-Soviet satellite states. Two glasses of the stuff and you'll swear you can see the music.

Cyberspace

Upside: As you zoom around the information superhighway, you can't help feeling hip doing anything with the prefix cyber attached. Online, people seem friendly, and an awful lot of them are named [email protected]. How can a boy resist? Should you hit it off with someone, you get all the advantages of a Victorian-style romance by letter. There's something sweet about sending note after note to a lover you've never met in the flesh. Some people even claim that e-mail romance is purer than any other kind.

Downside: If you can't type fast, you're screwed. And forget about your corporeal charm. It doesn't matter if you have a voice like Barry White's and a body like a professional gymnast's; she can't hear you or see you. Also, you must understand that many women you meet online are actually men. It's disconcerting how many of us will digitally cross-dress when given the chance. We happen to know a guy who conducted a steamy lesbian love affair online only to discover that his paramour was also a guy. It made for beautiful poetic justice but not good dating. There is a reason Net-conscious people ask whether you've made an "eye-D" of your online lover. And even if she isn't a man, she may not be--how should we say it nicely?--your physical type. This happened to the less lucky of your authors (he'd rather not identify himself because of his raw embarrassment). After several months of romantic correspondence with a lady in another city, he discovered that the object of his desire was rather plain-looking. Despite his intellectual conviction that appearances shouldn't matter, he found that they do. More than he'd care to admit.

Bottom Line: Although the number of female users is growing, the Internet is still something of a boys' club. A woman who goes fishing on the Net can be choosy. You, on the other hand, are joining a cast of thousands. We don't like those odds. For all the stories about people falling in love on the Net, we suspect that the majority of digital romances consist of men masturbating to the speed-typing of other men in America Online's BiFem4Fem chat room. Do not trust Wired, Nicholas Negroponte, the EFF or any of those other shameless, self-promoting, futuristic hucksters on this one. When it comes to finding your true love, old ways are the best ways.

Conversing and Impressing

Once you find a woman, the next step is to persuade her to talk to you. First impressions are important, and you must master your approach. It requires common sense, which most guys don't possess. But follow these five simple rules, and you should be able to talk with a woman without fear of instant rejection.

Get a life: Have something to talk about. Have a nugget of interesting information at your disposal that you can share with her--whether it's about your job or your friends or even something you saw on TV last night. Sure, it's nice if you listen to her. However, there are only so many times you can ask, "What do you think?" before you will be expected to say something on your own.

Eye contact: It's more difficult than it sounds. Don't look at her breasts or her legs or her hair or the woman seated at the other end of the bar or the guy who just walked out of the men's room who you think might be a friend from college. Look at her eyes. Eye contact is the best way to say, I am listening to you. It is also the best way to say, I challenge your standing as leader of the herd. But that's another issue altogether.

Keep away from controversial subjects: Your first conversation with a woman is not the best time to debate politics. Stick to safe topics like your favorite color or what shapes clouds make. Even a harmless comment like "I hate sitting next to a crying baby on a plane" can lead to a heated discussion of child-care reform and abortion rights. Next thing you know you have a ranting demagogue on your hands, demanding to know whether or not you support school voucher systems.

Bring your paperwork: Most women will not give you the time of day unless you can prove with proper documentation that you are disease-free, are over 21, have a job and have never been convicted of a felony. Carry the required paperwork with you at all times as well as a picture ID for further verification.

Do not have a mustache: Period. End of discussion.

But is she right for you?

At first she may seem perfect. She's pretty, she's smart and she likes you. That's fine if all you're looking for is a pleasant dinner companion. But is she someone you could spend serious time with and maybe even commit to in a long-term relationship? Too many men forget that they are not the only ones required to audition for love. Sure, you must learn to accept Melrose Place, chick flicks and Fiona Apple. But does she share your interests as well? To find out if she has what it takes to keep your attention, ask her to take this short and simple quiz. If she answers yes to even one of these questions, you may have found a soul mate.

(1) Have you seen the original Star Wars trilogy?

(2) Do you know which of the Three Stooges coined the memorable phrase "woo-woo-woo"?

(3) Can you hold your whiskey, or at least respect a man who can?

(4) Do you know the difference between a free throw and a foul shot?

(5) Can you hum a few bars from a Kiss song? (Beth does not count.)

(6) Can you discuss without mockery the career of David Hasselhoff?

(7) Do you know how to check the oil in a car?

(8) Have you ever sat through an entire screening of Scarface? If not, would you be willing to do so?

(9) Can you tell the difference between a G.I. Joe doll with kung-fu grip and a G.I. Joe action figure?

(10) Do you appreciate the subtle charms of a concealed handgun?

(11) Does the name Jenna Jameson mean anything to you?

Parties

sure, they can be the best of times and the worst of times. because there are many different types, we're going to break them down into a chart so you can decide which ones work for you