Playboy After Hours

He's Got Legs

Like other one-man-show sensations in New York this year (Jails, Hospitals & Hip-Hop by Danny Hoch; Dress to Kill by Eddie Izzard), Freak by John Leguizamo is theater for men who hate musicals. To coincide with Leguizamo's limited run, Riverhead has published a book version of Freak. It's loosely based on the show which, in turn, is loosely based on Leguizamo's life. In one chapter he tells how he lost his virginity to a zaftig mama in the back room of a fast-food restaurant: "Her coochie was a failed experiment from The Island of Dr. Moreau. 'It's like a flower. You have to unravel it,' she said. So with the courage of Jacques Cousteau on his last mission, I started to unravel her huge coochie lips. It was like Dumbo. If she could flap them, she would be able to fly out of the room and back to Germany. When I opened it all, it made a Tupperware burp." Fresh.

Slang Happens

Reuters recently reported on a trial of a thief that ended badly in Modera, Sri Lanka. The defendant was ordered to take the stand and on doing so, he pulled a plastic bag filled with feces from his pocket and threw it at a policeman. It missed the policeman, hitting instead an electric fan. Which was on. The official description was: "The entire court was showered with excreta."

She said, Stiffly

Never mind the joke about people enjoying their second honeymoon in Viagra Falls. Even in their dreams reporters would be hard-pressed to find a more appropriate figure than the government spokesperson for the drug: "This is not an aphrodisiac," said FDA drug chief Janet Woodcock.

Women and Nose First

In an interview with the Times of London, Titanic star Kate Winslet tried to offer advice on how to arrive safely at her port of call. Instead, she left us in a fog: "My idea of romance isn't someone sending me flowers and champagne with a note saying, 'I love you.' I'd probably phone and say, 'You complete idiot. What did you do that for?' But if they sent me a pair of their socks with a note saying, 'Have a whiff of these,' that, to me, is funny and romantic."

Stupe Doggy Dogg

The absolute silliest ad we've ever seen ran in a recent issue of Today's Chicago Woman. It was a plug for Groomies, a doggy salon, and pictured a poodle with a dandified, big-hair coif and a caption that read I'm going to make those bitches drool. Obviously in poodle families it's the woman who wears the pants.

Web of Evil

This year's Webby Award for Best Weird Site (yes, even the Internet has its Oscars) went to the highly deserving page Bert Is Evil! (fractalcow.com/bert). It contains photos and story lines that establish Bert, the muppet from Sesame Street, as a diabolical Zelig. The image archive features Bert carousing with strippers, while another link presents his appearance on Jerry Springer. The best picture is titled The Lost Pamela Lee Video Excerpt. Like an out-of-work rock star, a Muppet should never be exposed below the waist.

Term of the Times

Watch out if you're sitting in your cubicle while a tech-support person tells his boss that your computer isn't working because of Pebcak. That's shorthand for "Problem exists between chair and keyboard."

Love Bombshell

During the 1982 international peacekeeping mission in Lebanon, Syrian minister of defense Moustapha Tlass told Lebanese guerrillas not to harm Italian soldiers. When the perplexed troops asked why, Tlass replied, "So that not one tear falls from the eyes of Gina Lollobrigida." He wasn't kidding. While suicide fighters killed French and American soldiers, Italians emerged with no mortalities. Recently Tlass explained his motives to Le Monde. "I admire Gina Lollobrigida," he said. "I have been taken with her since my adolescence." Lollo-brigida then told the Italian press she's been receiving fan mail from him for years. The two even met at a diplomatic reception in Damascus. "I have always had success with Arabs," she said. "If all my admirers were like the Syrian minister and if they would truly put a stop to terrorism, I would immediately go on a world tour."

Wigging Out

The term wigger was coined several years ago by self-referencing, Dickies-wearing, white hip-hop fans to show solidarity with their hip-hop heroes. Recently the zine Hermenaut: The Digest of Heady Philosophy came up with a response to the wannabe phenomenon. It urges wiggers who no longer feel unique and who've "worn out the black thing" to try such alternatives as Whinese (rap acts and martial arts movies are a natural combo), Wapanese (Tokyo fashions could fit right in on MTV) and ("for those of you that enjoy Timberland gear and chillin' in cribs made out of ice") Weskimo. Of course, Hermenaut suggests that hard-core fans may want to start up their own Nation of Wislam.

Hail, Columbia!

One puzzle during the Monica Lewinsky mess was why Linda Tripp should be so attentive to the details of other people's sex lives. A partial answer may lie in her current hometown of Columbia, Maryland and its environs. As San Francisco Chronicle columnist Leah Garchik points out, the area is graced with colorful street names such as Loveknot Place, Five Fingers Way, Lame Beaver Court and Greek Boy Place.

Altered States

One of the most popular pastimes on the Internet--for whatever reason--is dreaming up rejected state mottoes. A search on Alta Vista turns up more than 20 sites devoted to them. However, the best list comes from the Humor Bin at www.lcs.net/bill/humor. Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi. Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong. Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang. California: As Seen on TV. Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids. Georgia: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Extremism. Kansas: First of the Rectangle States. Kentucky: 5 Million People, 15 Last Names. Missouri: Your Federal Flood-Relief Tax Dollars at Work. Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone. New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney. Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland. Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing. Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus. Vermont: Yep. Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? Wyoming: Wynot? To be honest, our favorite didn't make the list. That's because it happens to be real. To wit, Michigan: If You Seek a Pleasant Peninsula, Look Around You.

Contact with the Devil

If goth poseurs have their way the enduring legacy of media darling Marilyn Manson may well be the proliferation of offcolor contact lenses. Major lens companies such as Wesley Jessen have introduced costume contacts as a less expensive option to custom-painted lenses. For about $250 (including an eye exam by your local optometrist) you can buy a set of lenses with visible dollar signs, cat eyes (à la the electronica gods in Prodigy), eight balls, happy faces or stars. Two of the biggest sellers are Rage--an angry red eye with a fire-yellow pupil--and White Out--a white eye with a small black pupil. While some wearers say the solid colors distort their peripheral vision, they are quick to point out that the lenses are all about looking forward.