Can You Chat Up a Super-model?

There are exactly 247 supermodels in America at any given moment. At the same time, there are 2,685,986 single men who are not grotesquely onattractive--kind of like you. So while your odds of meeting a supermodel aren't great, stranger things have happened. And if we all didn't believe in miracles, the Powerball jackpot would be $124 a week.

So let's say you meet a supermodel. What happens next? Do you stand there, drool trickling down your clin like you're an extra in a Farrelly brothers movie? Or do you shift into a heretofore unknown gear of charm and wit, like Craig Kilborn without the smirk?

We asked Roshumba (Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and VII-I host) and Patrifcia Velasquez (leadign Revlon lady and another S.I. swimsuit model) to tell as what makes a supermodel slick. Next month, we'll help you spend those Powerball winnings.

(1) You're in New York City determined to pick up a supermodel. You:

(a) Head over to the Fashion Café and ask for Elle, Claudia or Naomi.

(b) Shell out $1500 for a courtside seat for the Knicks versus the Heat.

(c) Bribe Wass, the door god at Veruka, with $100 (greet him with "You, wass up?"). Then get looped on $9 martinis and chat up a huskyvoiced amazon who asks if you're in the mood for a TV dinner.

(d) Go to the Dean and Deluca coffee bar, pay $4.50 for a short cappuccino and say hi to the first woman who looks like tall iced latte.

(2) You are most likely to find a supermodel:

(a) Shopping in a supermarket for cat food while she's dressed in baggy sweats.

(b) Walking around Soho in baggy sweats.

(c) Standing outside the Ford modeling agency wondering whether she should go downtown and hang out in baggy sweats.

(d) Getting ignored at a Hollywood premiere while wishing she were back home in baggy sweats.

(3) In a late-mid-20s life crisis you decide to ditch your career for a more glamorous lifestyle. Name the occupation in which you're most likely to brush up against a suspermodel:

(a) Regular Gossip Show correspondent on the E channel.

(b) Detox admittance clerk.

(c) Paparazzo.

(d) Limo driver.

(4) How can you tell a supermodel from a regular model?

(a) The red S on her costume.

(b) The seven-figure balance in her bankbook.

(c) The tattoo that says "I Leo."

(d) She can't recall whether she left her Filofax in Paris or Milan.

(5) You phone modeling agencies in a desperate and pathetic bid to talk with a model. You pretend you are:

(a) One of the 427 Gossip Show correspondents on the E channel.

(b) A Playboy editor with an assignment on how to chat up a supermodel.

(c) A French-born millionaire whose name is Phil T. Lucre.

(d) A rich Wall Streeter who just wants to fax the girl some invites to a party at Pravda.

(6) Through some cosmic wrinkle in the dream-time continuum, Helena Christensen, Eva Herzigova, Stephanie Seymour and Naomi Campbell show up at a party at your house. Which CD do you spin?

(a) Slippery When Wet by Bon Jovi, the band of Herzigova's ex-husband, Tico Torres.

(b) November Rain by Guns n' Roses, sung by Stephanie's former beau, Axl Rose.

(c) Zooropa by U2, with Naomi's exswain Adam Clayton on bass.

(d) Something classical. It's hard to avoid a contemporary band that does not include an ex of Helena's.

(7) You bump into Linda Evangelista at the soft opening of a Manhattan bistro called Asia de Cuba de Iceland. Which approach works best?

(a) In a clever twist on her boast to Vogue about her day rate, you offer her $10,000 not to get out of bed.

(b) You lean over and say, "I won't tell anyone I heard it from you, but Naomi's a bitch, isn't she?"

(c) You tell her, "Whenever you decide to dump that Kyle MacLachlan guy, you know whom to call."

(d) "I'm a big fan of yours and I have always admired how you never take shit from anybody."

(8) You find Kate Moss hiding behind a lamppost near Central Park. You tempt her out of its shadow by:

(a) Pointing across the street and saying, "Look--it's Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder!"

(b) Pointing across the street and saying, "Look--it's Skeet Ulrich and Johnny Depp!"

(c) Offering her a glass of Nutrashake.

(d) Telling her how much you liked her in the Isaac Mizrahi bio Unzipped.

(9) You are introduced to Shalom Harlow in Milan. You say:

(a) "Shalom, Shalom!"

(b) "Hey, I've just learned that shalom can mean hello or goodbye. Which do you feel like right now?"

(c) "Was it Margot, Lady Asquith, who said the T&A in Harlow were silent? Boy was she wrong!"

(d) "Your work at last year's Christian Dior show in Paris made my heart skip a beat. You're obviously not shy when it comes to nudity."

(10) Bijou Phillips has just shaved her head (again). You say:

(a) "You haven't gone out with Scott Baio, ever--have you?"

(b) "Does the Astroturf match the dome?"

(c) "If you want to join me later we can make like Velcro."

(d) "You're friends with Harmony Korine, director of Gummo. What did you think about all that stuff in the movie about killing cats?"

(11) You see a supermodel walking down the street. You:

(a) Buy her a rose from the corner and apologize for being so corny, but, hey--"How (continued on page 249)Supermodel(continued from page 163) many times does a guy get to meet a supermodel?"

(b) Scream, "Holy shit, baby got back--and front!"

(c) Write a quick note and slip it into her hand.

(d) Hand her a business card and say, "Don't be afraid to call me," Then walk away like the slick idiot you are.

(12) You get only one opening line. Which would you choose?

(a) "I would love to talk with you or see you somehow. Would you care for a lollipop?"

(b) "I know you're probably tired of hearing it, but I'm going to tell you anyway just to get it out of the way: You're beautiful."

(c) "Are you into the comedic stylings of Pauly Shore?"

(d) "You know, darling, I made a million dollars last week."

(13) You score a date with a supermodel. When she asks you what you think of Ibiza, you say:

(a) "I've never been. What's it like?"

(b) "I love it--especially loaded with pepperoni."

(c) "Ibiza is all right, but Nevis is more exclusive if you're looking to be pampered. For wild beauty, nothing beats Mauritius."

(d) "Ibiza? Is that near Cancún?"

(14) When do you bring up the celebrities she has dated?

(a) Only when she asks you about women in your past.

(b) Right away. It's a great way to tell her you know all about her.

(c) Never. It's bad form to work over past histories. Anyway, she was just "good friends" with all those guys.

(d) Only after you've told her about the supermodel shrine you have at home with all her guest appearances on MTV's House of Style on tape.

(15) What is a supermodel's drug of choice?

(a) Starbucks.

(b) Black market phen-fen.

(c) Clearasil.

(d) Heroin.

(16) Which topic would probably lead to the best conversation?

(a) Her favorite places to go in whatever city you find her in and how they compare to Paris.

(b) The number of people she meets and the offers she gets and the incredible head she must have learned to give when she was 18 in Rome.

(c) The difference between supermodels and regular models.

(d) Her height. And whether she ever thought of joining the WNBA.

(17) "Who are your favorite photographers?" she asks.

(a) Herb Ritts, Francesco Scavullo and Steven Meisel.

(b) Weegee, Diane Arbus and Sally Mann.

(c) Bruce Weber, Peter Arnell and Davis Factor.

(d) "My mom, that Zapruder guy and whoever did the Farrah poster."

(18) Time to order cocktails. What do you request?

(a) Cristal or Dom or Veuve Clicquot.

(b) A double tequila and a Zima chaser.

(c) Whatever she's having.

(d) Thug's passion: Alize and Cristal.

(19) Which of these is too fattening for supermodels?

(a) Foie gras.

(b) Haricots verts.

(c) The air from the can of Reddi Wip you're about to spray all over her body.

(d) Caviar.

(20) What type of man does a supermodel look for?

(a) A regular, confident guy who has the cash to hop on a plane and visit her photo shoot in Hawaii.

(b) A buff young stud whose nickname is Viagra.

(c) A famous face who can accompany her to premieres and openings.

(d) A man's man--someone who will look out for her, chase away other guys and help with career decisions.

(21) "How much does your best suit cost?" she asks.

(a) More than $750.

(b) "Nike or Reebok?"

(c) Under $750.

(d) "What suit?"

(22) Who is a supermodel most likely to date?

(a) Leonardo DiCaprio.

(b) Charlie Sheen.

(c) Another supermodel.

(d) You.

OK, time to tally up. As you may have noticed (and if you haven't, give up right now) questions 1 through 5 judge your ability to find a supermodel and actually engage her in conversation. Give yourself 5 points for all questions you answered with b or d, zero points for answering a or c.

Questions 6 through 10 test your supermodel cultural literacy quotient. You don't want to know too much of this stuff, but you also don't want to be a dunce. If you don't know anything about her, why would she want to know anything about you? (Unless, of course, you own a Porsche.) For questions 7 through 10, take 2 points for answering a, b or c to each question and take 5 for answering d. Deduct 10 points if you answered anything but d to question 6. What were you thinking?

Questions 11 through 22 are the most important part of the test. You could just as easily substitute the words beautiful woman for supermodel. Aptitude here could translate into some real-life conquests. Each a answer equals 8 points, b equals 2, c equals 5 and d equals 2.

If you scored 22 to 58 points: You are not fit to push racks of ready-to-wear down Seventh Avenue, let alone shmooze with a goddess.

59 to 100 points: You probably went for humor over panache. Yes, beautiful women like a guy with a funny bone, but they have to feel comfortable first. You'd be lucky to come away with an autograph.

101 to 139 points: You'd probably get what you wanted out of an encounter with a supermodel--a little banter followed by a sense of validation. Then the next guy who wants his Cindy calendar signed will step up to the plate. Next time put yourself--and your wallet--on the line.

140 to 176 points: Way to go, stud. Either you're Christy Turlington's hairdresser or you should have written this quiz.

As Patricia Velasquez says, "We like to talk. So bring up lots of subjects--we're exposed to many different discussions through our travels. To me, an appreciation of food and wine is a sign of sophistication. If you have an interest in me, you know I'm Latin and I like hot weather, the ocean and spicy food. Remember, we're models--we're passionate people and we crave drama."

Roshumba, who has heard every line in the book (she was the one who fell for the guy with a lollipop), has a few more rules. She suggests "using the tricks that worked for you in high school--slipping her notes, giving her something other than a business card. As much as men are boys, women are girls. We're not afraid of having just a lover, either. We don't want to marry everyone. Whatever you do, do it with sincerity and passion. Throw in a little real man and you have a nice recipe."