Playboy Interview: Drew Carey

As a bonus for signing his most recent contract with Warner Bros., which produces his hit TV show, Drew Carey was given a Porsche, which he now uses for long-distance joyrides. But today, on the Warner Bros, lot, the constantly smiling, defiantly beer-bellied Carey, with his trademark buzz cut and horn-rims, is speeding along on manual power: He is temporarily in a wheelchair because of a minor foot injury—doctor's orders. The world may be safer when he's behind the wheel of the Porsche. He hurls himself around corners and careens down hallways.

Although he maneuvers the soundstage without causing any permanent damage, it's a reminder of the last time Carey rode in a wheelchair. He was at Disney World, of all places, drunk. It was an ugly scene, especially when his date tried to pry his contact lenses off his eyes—a task made more difficult by the fact that he doesn't wear contact lenses. Counseled by his friends to take a break in his rampage, he sat down in a wheelchair. Soon he was up again, dashing through Disney World's international exhibitions, making headlines in the tabloids.

Indeed, thanks to his raucous public behavior—he proudly dates strippers, drinks openly, admits to being abused as a child and having his nipples pierced—Carey is a favorite of the tabloids. But there's more to their obsession with the portly star than his outrageousness. Both in his appearance and in his comedy, Carey is easy to identify with, a guy much more at home in his native Cleveland than he is in Hollywood. Entertainment Weekly recently noted, "With Home Improvement on the wane, ABC is relying on Carey to deliver the blue-collar goods." Right now he is the closest thing to a working-class hero on prime-time TV.

The real Drew Carey is never more genuine than when he's being the fake Drew Carey on his highly rated ABC sitcom. Set appropriately in Cleveland, the show begins each Wednesday with Ian Hunter's Cleveland Rocks, performed by the Presidents of the United States of America. Carey plays the assistant personnel director of a Cleveland department store. As Bruce Helford, the executive producer of the show, has explained, "Drew's persona is that of the little guy who goes out to do battle with the big guys and always returns with a shred of dignity. He's a happy sack, not a sad sack."

Carey, 40, is also executive producer and star of Whose Line Is It Anyway? a prime-time improv-based comedy show that has been a surprise hit (it also features Drew costar Ryan Stiles as a regular). Carey recently signed a movie deal with Disney and was named among the 100 most powerful people in the entertainment business (at number 78) by Entertainment Weekly. He has hosted HBO specials, emceed awards shows and won a People's Choice Award. His first book, Dirty Jokes and Beer, was a best-seller. It includes the expected raunch—lots of dick jokes—but turns serious when he writes about his father's death, being sexually molested as a child and his two suicide attempts.

Obviously, Carey's childhood was not a happy one. His father, Lewis, a draftsman at General Motors, suffered myriad illnesses and died of a brain tumor at 45, when Drew was eight years old. His mother worked as a secretary and keypunch operator, and Carey was often on his own. When he was molested and became seriously depressed, he told his mother he thought he should see a psychiatrist. She was so busy working to support Drew and his two other brothers that she never took him.

In school, Carey played trumpet in the band and accordion on his own, performed in an operetta and sang in a choir. He was on the wrestling team in high school, but admits he was so bad he never left the bench during meets. He read and was obsessed with strategy games such as War in the East and 1776. When a magazine writer asked him about this period in his life, Carey responded, "Weirdo. Weirdo. Underachiever. Weirdo. Weirdo."

Carey somehow got into Kent State University, where he majored in criminal justice and minored in partying. When he was 18, at a fraternity party, he looked around and, as he once explained in an interview, "saw everybody having such a good time—I got so mad I could barely control my rage." He swallowed sleeping pills in his first suicide attempt; he survived because friends took him to the hospital.

After two academic dismissals, he quit college and moved to Las Vegas, where he worked at a Denny's to pay the rent. He says his life was devoid of meaningful goals and he was depressed. "I remember thinking, All my friends have jobs now, and they're succeeding, but what am I doing?" he once told People magazine. He again took sleeping pills, but this time he called a friend, who called an ambulance.

Carey credits self-help books with pulling him out of his depression. As a result of those suicide attempts, he has written, "I'm not afraid of what anyone thinks of me. A lot of people, especially celebrities, stop themselves from doing all kinds of things they would like to do because they're afraid of what people will think of them. Not me. I let myself do whatever I want, with whomever I want, whenever I want. I'm not talking about being rude. I try not to do that. I'm talking about living a life without caring if people like the way you have your fun."

In 1980 he joined the Marine Corps Reserve and worked odd jobs while reading joke-writing books to learn a new craft. Six years later, he made a New Year's resolution to try to support himself as a stand-up comic. Carey spent four more years in comedy clubs before he made his debut on The Tonight Show. That led to comedy specials on cable, including Showtime's Drew Carey: Human Cartoon, which he wrote. He also made his film debut in The Coneheads.

In 1994 Carey co-starred in the shortlived sitcom The Good Life, where he met writer Bruce Helford. Helford hired Carey first as a writer on NBC's Someone Like Me and then as an actor in the TV remake of Freaky Friday. Then, with Helford and contributing producer Sam Simon, Carey launched his own sitcom in 1995. The Drew Carey Show, on ABC, was down-to-earth blue collar, heir apparent to Roseanne and an antidote to the urban angst of NBC's biggest hits, Seinfeld and Friends.

Last summer, Carey launched Whose Line Is It Anyway? which was so successful that ABC put it in its regular lineup. While putting in 16-hour days on that show and his hit series, he is supervising space-age renovations at his LA home (he has a second home in Cleveland) and occasionally returns to the comedy stage to hone and update his stand-up routine.

Carey's TV character often suffers the indignities of a broken heart, which is familiar to the actor, too. While waiting for Ms. Right, however, Carey makes no secret of how much he enjoys the company of strippers, showgirls and various other women who wind up in the path of a newly famous celebrity. Still, he has said that he "guards against going Hollywood. It's one of the reasons I always go to Bob's Big Boy and stuff like that in Los Angeles."

When Playboy decided to track him down, we sent New York–based journalist Heather Dean, who, like Carey, was born in Cleveland. Here is Dean's report:

"I first caught up with the energetic lug during his run at Caesars Palace. When we sat down at Spago in Las Vegas, he ordered what he called "the breakfast of champions": a sandwich and a personal pizza. Between bites, he talked enthusiastically about his show, his past and his preferred type of sex (hint: he can't do it and eat pizza at the same time).

"I next met with Carey on the set of his TV show in Los Angeles, when he was careening on the lot in a wheelchair. But the foot injury didn't seem to dampen his mood. Indeed, Carey is usually laughing. He doesn't merely grin, nod or chuckle. He laughs with his whole face: The eyes disappear, the lips stretch from ear to ear and the voice is a breathy, amused exhalation. One soon learns that Carey is his own best audience. While he laughs at funny things said by others, he laughs most heartily at his own jokes. An interview with Carey involves lots of laughing, even when the subject gets deadly serious."

[Q] Playboy: The central character in your show bears your name, but does he resemble Drew Carey in real life?

[A] Carey: He's the Drew Carey I'd be if I never became a comic. I'd have some crummy job like his. I'd be a guy with a general degree from Kent State University and I'd be a middle manager. It's how I imagined my life would go had I not chosen my current career: college dropout comic [laughs]. I wouldn't have been that successful as a middle manager, either. I can't boss people around. Real-life middle managers like to bust balls and boss people around. There are a lot of assholes in middle management. I would have been the opposite—sort of like my character, who is usually trying to help people. For his efforts, he get lots of shit. People relate to the character because everybody gets lots of shit. It's one of the show's secrets: People relate to Drew because Drew gets all the shit.

[Q] Playboy: There are lots of cruel one-liners. Why do audiences seem to like that type of comedy?

[A] Carey: It's not like we're picking on anybody who is weak. Mimi is the brunt of lots of jokes, but she's not going to crumble. She's overweight, wears a lot of makeup, but it doesn't matter. She's comfortable about who she is. We don't do weight jokes; the writers come up with weight jokes, but we never use them. It would be too mean for Drew to attack her weight. There are fat jokes directed at my character, and I don't necessarily like them. But they're funny. If I didn't want the fat jokes, I would just lose the weight. In the meantime, I put up with them.

[Q] Playboy: Do people confuse you and your character?

[A] Carey: You have to be really stupid to think somebody's like they are on TV.

[Q] Playboy: Isn't Jerry Seinfeld like the guy he played on his show?

[A] Carey: I guess so. I don't think he was acting much. He's not a good actor, either [laughs]. Neither of us are good actors. He would be the first to tell you he wasn't the best actor on his show.

[Q] Playboy: It's true that he wasn't nominated for as many Emmys as his fellow cast members were.

[A] Carey: Emmys? Emmys don't mean a goddamn thing. Are you kidding me? If you get nominated for an Emmy, it just means people know your name. Emmys are a joke. The Emmys don't mean a fucking thing to anybody. If the people who do wardrobe, lighting and directing get an Emmy, they can up their fees. That's all the awards are worth. I shouldn't get nominated for an Emmy.

[Q] Playboy: So you're happy that the Emmys for best actor continue to go to Kelsey Grammer and John Lithgow?

[A] Carey: Who cares? I think they're a fucking joke.

[Q] Playboy: Are those sour grapes?

[A] Carey: Listen: I know people who make a big deal out of it when they win one; there's this cachet. If you win an Emmy, you're like the best one. But you're not necessarily the best at what you do. Same with an Oscar or any award.

[Q] Playboy: How do you rationalize emceeing awards shows if you have such contempt for them?

[A] Carey: They're fun. It's an industry pat on the back. That's it. But it's ludicrous. People at home should think, This show was put together for one reason: to make money.

[Q] Playboy: How about the Oscars? Did you watch them when you were growing up?

[A] Carey: I never cared. But at least when people win an Oscar, they usually deserve it. The good thing is that Oscars and Emmys help people notice a movie or show that they may otherwise have missed. But the actors who win are popular. The best shows are the results of the best writing and directing and producing, anyway.

[Q] Playboy: Do you feel that a disproportionate amount of credit goes to the stars?

[A] Carey: Some of us give credit where credit it is due. A couple of performers don't. They make me mad. Lying motherfuckers. They don't give credit to their writers or producers or anybody. They think it's all them, like they're the only reason the show's a hit. Jesus Christ, man. They take credit for stories that writers thought up.

[Q] Playboy: Who, for example?

[A] Carey: I don't think Roseanne's all that generous. She's one of the ones. Roseanne was pioneering and she had a vision of what she wanted the show to be, but I've heard things. Bruce Helford [co-executive producer of The Drew Carey Show] was an executive producer of Roseanne. According to Bruce, Roseanne's feelings were always right on the money. She's very funny. But somebody cut out an article about Roseanne's new talk show and put it on Bruce's desk. Roseanne said she finally learned to delegate, because she didn't have the caliber of producer on the Roseanne show that she does now. And Bruce was like, "What the fuck?" That would be like Bill Gates taking credit for everything Microsoft does. Gates doesn't do that.

[Q] Playboy: Do you know Roseanne?

[A] Carey: I met her once. I'm not saying that she's a totally selfish person. I only know from the interviews I've read. But knowing what you don't want and knowing how to do a sitcom are two different things. Every season she fired people around the 16th episode. The last year was so horrible. By then, the staff knew it was the last season and nobody said no to her anymore. Nobody cared. She got to do whatever she wanted. That's what I have heard from people who worked for her.

[Q] Playboy: Is yours a happier set?

[A] Carey: Very. I would say it's a great set. I hear that from all the people I work with, too.

[Q] Playboy: Could you ever become a megalomaniac like some other stars?

[A] Carey: I like the money I'm getting [laughs]. I like being successful. So I want people to do the work they do. Bruce does a great job running things and the writers are really good. I think it helps that I'm in my show's writers' room as much as I am. But I'm not a writer and I know what goes into the shows; I don't take their contributions lightly.

[Q] Playboy: Do you see your show as a potential Seinfeld, Cheers or Taxi—with that type of popularity and longevity?

[A] Carey: No. I gave up on that [laughs]. Anyway, a lot of people don't love Seinfeld or Cheers as much as the magazines say they do. Different shows have different audiences. There are people out there who can't wait to watch Third Rock. We have more people who can't wait to watch our show on Wednesday. Does it make Third Rock a bad show? Does it make it more or less beloved? There is no one show that America loves. Even Seinfeld has to know that not everybody is a fan of his. I sure know that not everybody is a fan of mine. Every year it's going to be harder and harder for a network show—a typical network show like mine—to keep a stronghold. Seinfeld caught the last wave of being able to be a huge network show, because it hit the big time right after Cheers. After that, a lot of people started buying computers, and cable TV arrived.

[Q] Playboy: For a while there was a war over who got paid more, Tim Allen or Seinfeld. How do you feel about the attention to those numbers?

[A] Carey: Everybody loves to know how much somebody else gets paid. But people get themselves into a big trap when they think, I'm not worth as much as that guy because I don't get paid as much. But I was titillated like everyone else to hear that Seinfeld got his $1 million per episode and then Tim Allen got $1 million, too. A few years before, they were on the air opposite each other. Home Improvement used to kill Seinfeld. To save Seinfeld, NBC had to move it away from Home Improvement. The first thing I thought was, That must have stuck in Seinfeld's craw to learn about Tim Allen's raise, because I would have been like, "What the fuck?" and throwing newspapers all over the place.

[Q] Playboy: When it was time for your contract renegotiation, you said you'd walk away from your show unless Warner Bros. "backed up the money truck." What happened?

[A] Carey: They pulled it up early. I gave them two more years. I'm in the fourth year of seven.

[Q] Playboy: At what point did the big money kick in?

[A] Carey: I'm making great money already, but the total value of the deal is really stupendous.

[Q] Playboy: Well?

[A] Carey: Let's just say there aren't any complaints from me. They really went to bat for me; they went out of their way to please me. The deal is really generous.

[Q] Playboy: Was it as much as you had hoped for?

[A] Carey: Yeah! You'll never hear me make a sound of any kind of discontent against Warner Bros. for the way they pay me or how they treat me.

[Q] Playboy: Have there been any bumps along the road to success?

[A] Carey: When the show was building, it took a while for me to feel comfortable being famous. Howard was instrumental in that.

[Q] Playboy: Howard?

[A] Carey: Howard Stern.

[Q] Playboy: How was he instrumental?

[A] Carey: I went on the air and told him I didn't like being famous. He said, "Are you crazy? I love being famous!" Ever since, I swear to God, I just started to enjoy it.

[Q] Playboy: What didn't you like about being famous?

[A] Carey: The tabloids. All the other things that go with celebrity really bothered me. It felt like I was the schlub in high school again. It felt like I was in the marching band. Everybody likes people in the band, but not as much as they like looking at Jennifer Aniston and her hot body. But now it's OK. I don't mind it.

[Q] Playboy: Are you uncomfortable making conversation with other celebrities?

[A] Carey: Whenever you meet other celebrities it feels like some kind of family reunion or a wedding. When celebrities meet celebrities from other shows, they act the way they would at a wedding. Everyone is on their best behavior and they're real polite: "Love your show." "Love your show, too." There are exceptions. I was at Disney World at a party ABC threw for its affiliates. The ABC executive types were sitting in the balcony, looking down and saying, "I'll bet he's trying to pick her up. I'll bet they get together." One guy was openly trying to pick up an actress from another show. He was dancing with her and I guess he nailed her. That was the big rumor the next day, at least [laughs]. So they had a good time at a showbiz party. It's possible. If it's a public event and you go off with someone, the tabloids write about it—though when they write about relationships they're usually wrong. They usually have no idea.

[Q] Playboy: When have the tabloids been wrong about you?

[A] Carey: One said that I met Heather Graham at a party. I've never met her in my life. She played Rollergirl in Boogie Nights. They reported that I said, "Hey, Rollergirl, how's about you and me getting together," or some stupid line like that. I would never say anything like that. The tabloids make up that shit. The Star once said that I was on a potato diet and lost 17 pounds on it. They printed two pictures of me weighing exactly the same [laughs]. Ryan Stiles [who plays Lewis on Drew] and I were waiting to catch a plane together once, and he opened up The Star and saw that story. He looked at me while I was eating a Sausage McMuffin and I had another one in my lap ready to go. He said, "How's that potato diet coming?" It's really laughable. But it's so wrong and so stupid. You'd think they'd have some sense of shame. When I asked my lawyer about getting them to stop, he said that unless it's libelous there's nothing you can do.

[Q] Playboy: Here's your chance to do something about the gossip. Tell us how to spot tabloid truth from fiction.

[A] Carey: If it's a really structured sentence and doesn't sound natural, it's made up. If it's said by a friend—"Friends say he's never been happier," "Friends say that she's madly in love"—it's all bullshit. They always use the same type of phrases. They make sure what they say isn't harmful and that they're not saying the celebrity is bad. But it's still made up. I'd say 90 percent of what they report are made-up lies. They never know what the fuck they're talking about. The halfway-true stories have pictures to back them up. The Globe reported that I was drunk at Disney World. I was wearing mouse ears and trying to drink my way around the world with my friends. Someone I was with supposedly told the guys who worked there to get a wheelchair so they could wheel me out of there. The Globe actually sent a guy down to Florida to talk to the Disney guide who was with me. They got my guide's unlisted number. They got confirmation that I was drunk. The Globe paid people off, then they took pictures of me drunk, sitting in a wheelchair [laughs].

[Q] Playboy: Truth or fiction?

[A] Carey: I was totally drunk. I wasn't trying to hide anything. I even joke about it in my act. But the Globe made it sound like they got this big scoop. And the only thing they got wrong was that I was wheeled away because I was too drunk to stand up. The real ending was that I sat down in a wheelchair for only a second and said, "Whew!" Then I got up. My friends wanted to get me out of there because I was really wasted. I was so drunk that Bruce Helford was chasing me around while I was saying, "No, I want to see the fireworks." But I broke away from Bruce, who's this really little guy. I was running and laughing through Mexico over in the international area. I had a girlfriend with me during the trip. I had to shove her off me because she was drunk, too. She was trying to get the contacts out of my eyes and I wasn't even wearing contacts. She was jabbing her fingers in my eyes. The hotel room was a wreck the next day. That's the story the Globe missed.

[Q] Playboy: What sort of effect has celebrity had on your love life?

[A] Carey: My date this weekend in Las Vegas was with me when I was signing autographs after my show and said, "You could get laid all the time, couldn't you?" I said, "I guess I could if I didn't care about it." I've had plenty of one-night stands, but I don't like them as much as I like forming a relationship, even if it's a casual relationship.

[Q] Playboy: Does that mean you're looking to settle down?

[A] Carey: When I say relationship, I don't mean a committed relationship. A relationship is when you know the person; you're not meeting someone just once, fucking her and never seeing her again.

[Q] Playboy: Does that mean you're not interested in one-night stands?

[A] Carey: They have happened to me, but that's the emptiest masturbation-type sex you can have. It's like masturbating with somebody else's body [laughs]. It's not lovemaking.

[Q] Playboy: When you were on the road, did it matter?

[A] Carey: I would hook up with a woman I met on the road and it would last for that week. I'd meet somebody, and by the end of the week I'd get together with her and that would be the last time I'd see her. Maybe I would talk to her a few times afterward, but that was it. That's happened only two or three times. Back then I didn't get laid. I'm the jack-off king, man [laughs].

[Q] Playboy: And you're proud of it.

[A] Carey: Yeah. Could you please title this "Playboy Interviews Jack-Off King Drew Carey"? Man, oh man.

[Q] Playboy: In your book you claim that you unloaded your weapon—that's what you called it—three times in one hour.

[A] Carey: It's true. The next day, my elbow was tender and pretty sore, like tennis elbow. I was like, Oooh, man, holding my arm like this [close to the body]. It really hurt. I couldn't believe it. That's a lot for a guy. I know there are some guys who can do that—porno guys or whatever.

[Q] Playboy: Teenage boys can, too.

[A] Carey: Yeah, I could when I was a teenager. But that's my own record: three times in one hour. I haven't had any cause to jack off three times in one hour since then. But I also have a daily record [laughs]. You know, if you're going to keep stats, you might as well have a lot of categories.

[Q] Playboy: Such as?

[A] Carey: Home. Away. Left-hand pitchers. Right-hand pitchers. Turf, grass. When it comes to women, though, I wouldn't want to be with somebody who wanted to sleep with me because I'm on TV. Women want to meet me because I'm on TV, but there has to be a mutual sexual attraction to get anything going after that. And for some women, my being a celebrity doesn't mean a fucking thing. I'm too terrified to ask them out because I don't want them to say no. I'd be really embarrassed if anybody found out.

[Q] Playboy: Do you know immediately whether you're sexually attracted to a woman?

[A] Carey: There's no way it's a five-second thing for me. Sometimes it doesn't happen until I've known somebody for a while. Then I think, Hey, I bet she and I could have sex together.

[Q] Playboy: Don't you ever experience lust at first sight?

[A] Carey: I don't think of women in those terms. I know a lot of guys think, She's fuckable, or She's not fuckable. I've heard those phrases, but I don't think of women like that.

[Q] Playboy: How do you deal with female fans who come on to you?

[A] Carey: No woman has come up to me while I'm signing autographs and said, "I'd like to have sex with you." But a couple of women have intimated that. I drove down to Kent State last summer with a friend. We were drinking at this place called Ray's Place and I was signing autographs, and a woman there was really coming on to me. I knew that if I'd said, "Hey, let's go, what are we waiting for," that would have been all I needed to say. She was putting her tits right up against my shoulder and saying, "Oh, you're so cute." I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I'm not stupid. I just thought, Wow, everybody has probably fucked you. I don't want to fuck you if everybody else has fucked you. If she's the bar slut, everybody's going to say, "Drew Carey got the bar slut." So I just said, "Nice meeting you." We enjoyed our chat. And that was it. I never saw her again. The whole idea was creepy.

[Q] Playboy: When you want to date a woman, do you like being the pursuer or do you prefer being pursued?

[A] Carey: I like it when women are the pursuers. I'm not really good at picking up women. So women kind of have to be—well, what are you talking about, dating or sex?

[Q] Playboy: Let's start with dating.

[A] Carey: I don't mind asking them. If I've had a nice conversation with someone, I'll say, "Hey that was a pretty good time, why don't we go out and have dinner?" If she were to say the same thing to me it would be fine. I don't care who asks first.

[Q] Playboy: Do you fall in love easily? When was the last time?

[A] Carey: There's a woman I was dating last season. We never ran out of things to talk about. I thought I could be around her 24 hours a day and never tire of her company. I couldn't wait to see her. She was a complement to me. We weren't exactly alike, but she brought out the best in me. On the other hand, there have been women I've dated and then didn't call them for a few days. I'd think, Oh, maybe I'd better call so-and-so. That's when I know I'm not in love [laughs].

[Q] Playboy: So what happened with the woman who complemented you so well?

[A] Carey: She doesn't live in the city anymore. Actually, the last two women I've been in love with haven't really reciprocated. The circumstances weren't right. We didn't live in the same town, or they moved or got some kind of job so I wouldn't be able to see them as much. The last ones killed me. I was really in love and thought I could have married them, but they didn't work out.

[Q] Playboy: How did you get over them?

[A] Carey: I said to myself, "Get thee to a strip club!" Actually, I thought I'd just stay miserable until I met somebody else and fell in love again [laughs].

[Q] Playboy: How often do you go out with strippers?

[A] Carey: When I have a chance to go out with a stripper, I do it. I always wondered what it would be like. If I fall in love with a stripper, or a writer, or an actress, or an executive, or whoever, it's fine with me. I don't care. I want to experience a lot of different things before I die—and while I'm young enough to do them. I never want to say I didn't have the balls or I was a chickenshit or had a mental block and that's why I didn't do something.

[Q] Playboy: What guides you, your heart or something lower?

[A] Carey: My heart guides me more than my dick does. Once in a while I give in, but not that often. If my dick guided me all the time, I would have fucked tons of women that I haven't fucked. If some woman sells her story and says, "Me and Drew had a wild night and he was really kinky and we did all these weird things," then I've met a dishonest girl who's really hot. It was my dick saying "Let's hang out with this chick" even though I shouldn't have.

[Q] Playboy: We talked about dating. What about sex? Is it hard for you to make the first move?

[A] Carey: I'm afraid to make the first move. I'm a lot more comfortable when a woman is aggressive. There was this one stripper I met when she was dancing. Between dances we were talking and really got to know each other. I thought she was really great, so I flew her out to Vegas. Now here's a girl who dances naked and comes out to Vegas with me. We slept in separate beds. Same room, separate beds. We took our showers separately. I never made a move on her the whole weekend. And she's really attractive. Great body, you know, fun, fun, fun. But I was a perfect gentleman. The most we did was hold hands and put our arms around each other. I never even kissed her. Later, after she had a boyfriend, she told me, "If you would have done something you could have had me all weekend." I was like, "Really? I had a chance?" "Yes, you idiot." If she would have just thrown me down on the bed and started it, it would have been great. Then I would have known she was into it. But that's how fucking stupid I am sometimes.

[Q] Playboy: Did you learn? Do you now try to make the first move?

[A] Carey: No. I worry some woman might say, "Drew Carey tried to do something with me and it was unwanted." I don't want to get in the paper for that. It used to be easier for me when I wasn't doing stand-up and before I was well known. But now it worries me. I've done a lot of freaky things and things I'm not really happy with. That's always in the back of my mind.

[Q] Playboy: Are you as shy with strippers?

[A] Carey: They're generally open-minded. If you're with a stripper you can go, "Hey, let's try this!" "Let's do that." "You tie me up." "I'll tie you up." Whatever you want. They'll say, "All right." Sex is so matter-of-fact with them. After a woman has worked in a strip club for a while, she's heard every fantasy a man can have. Strippers know all about men's sexuality and they don't care anymore. They're open-minded and free. That's the greatest thing.

[Q] Playboy: How does dating strippers compare with dating other women?

[A] Carey: With a regular girlfriend, you have to ease into it. You have to delicately say, "I have this fantasy. I would like to try this one thing with you." They could go, "Wow, I'm never going to do that! What are you, a creep? A weirdo?" You never get any of that from strippers. They may laugh with their friends about what they do with you, but it doesn't mean they won't do it.

[Q] Playboy: What do you do on a date with a stripper?

[A] Carey: It's just a regular date. We go to the movies, we talk, see what happens. There's no guarantee about anything. I've taken a lot of dancers to Vegas. They look good, they're fun to party with, they'll stay up all night drinking with me. Sex is a secondary thing.

[Q] Playboy: May we assume you use protection when you have sex?

[A] Carey: Correct. I am very responsible when it comes to that.

[Q] Playboy: What's your favorite method of contraception?

[A] Carey: Oral sex and masturbation. And I'll definitely wear a condom if I'm going to have sex or I'll make sure she's on the pill. And if I don't know whether she is on the pill and there's no rubber, there's no fucking. Or I'll just stop. Guys complain about condoms. They say, "I don't want to take the time to interrupt the moment." Why not? You'd rather get a stranger pregnant and skip out on the responsibility? You can always start again. As a matter of fact, you should always do that anyway, unless you're having a quickie. Sex, to me, is not fucking.

[Q] Playboy: What is sex to you?

[A] Carey: Sex to me is the whole setting-it-up. During the day we're talking about getting together later. There's the anticipation, the teasing, the making out, the cuddling. But fucking—that's like way down on my list of sexual acts. When I was younger, I'd think, Oh, man, look at me go! An hour! Not anymore. But it doesn't matter. To me, it's great when you build up to a little thing and then stop. Rest. Caress. Whatever you need to do. Start again, build up. It's no big deal to stop and say, "Hey, by the way, where are your condoms?" or, "Hey, are you on the pill?" I think that all this should be discussed ahead of time anyway. But if it stops before getting that far, it's fine with me. Making out is my favorite thing to do. Making out is number one, eating pussy is number two. Well, they can switch places. But those are my two favorites. I love to make out, man. That is the greatest. You cuddle, you make out, you kiss, you touch, you can talk, you can really feel somebody's warmth. There are so many good things about it.

[Q] Playboy: As opposed to intercourse?

[A] Carey: There's a closeness and an intimacy that you can't get from having intercourse. During intercourse, you can't talk and whisper sweet nothings. You don't discuss hopes and dreams and things you like. You can when you're having a big make-out session. Making out goes beyond just kissing. It's like, "Oh, man, I love this about you. This is just great." And kiss, kiss, kiss. And you can have music playing and it won't distract you. It's also fun to sit around and watch TV and make out. And I do like eating pussy. I have to admit it. It's a big turn-on for me. I love making a woman happy: eating her pussy, shopping, whatever it takes. I love pleasing women. I don't know if there's something psychologically wrong with me, but I love making women happy. If somebody asked me, "Would you rather get a blow job or eat somebody's pussy?" I would eat the pussy. I like everything about it. Everything. Texture. Taste. I love the way the legs feel. I love the position of the body. I love that I'm in the dark. I love having my mouth on a woman's body—anywhere: head, toes, all over. It's the greatest. The best thing is giving her a great orgasm by going down there.

[Q] Playboy: Might you be confessing this because you think it will help you pick up more women?

[A] Carey: No, I'm not saying that to pick up more chicks. Oh yeah, I am. But I can back it up. I love it. It was like the first fantasy I ever had when I started masturbating. It's a big fascination. I used to think about doing it to famous models in magazines. It didn't even take Playboy. Every time I read about the Reverend Donald Wildmon or someone who wants to ban Playboy from 7-Eleven, I think, Why not ban Glamour and Cosmopolitan? Or the Sunday JCPenney ads? The women in the lingerie ads? Those are the ones I was jacking off to.

[Q] Playboy: Penney's?

[A] Carey: Oh, my God! My mother's going to read this [laughs]. "Drew Carey, Pussy-Eating Freak."

[Q] Playboy: We read that you lost your virginity when you were 18. Was sex all it was cracked up to be back then?

[A] Carey: I don't know. I can't remember her last name, Debbie somebody. She was a sorority girl. I wasn't sober. That was a bad thing. It wasn't very special at all.

[Q] Playboy: Was it a big deal to you to lose your virginity?

[A] Carey: I can't remember having thoughts like, Wow, I've got to get rid of this virginity thing. It wasn't a big stigma for me. I wasn't missing anything. Afterward, it wasn't like all of a sudden I got the jokes. It was no big deal. On the other hand, the first time I went down on a girl I thought, This is great. I have to do this over and over. That I remember. Loved that. Reminds me of a really good joke I forgot to do last night because I forgot to write it down. There was this woman I knew and all she could talk about was George Clooney. George Clooney this, George Clooney that. So I said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take a picture of George Clooney and tape it to my balls so you can look at him while you're sucking my cock." [Laughs] Isn't that funny?

[Q] Playboy: How important are good looks in your business?

[A] Carey: They're important for actors like George Clooney. But name one handsome comedian. Jerry Seinfeld is not a really handsome comic. He's average-looking. Same with Bill Maher. Bill's not classically good-looking. He's not an ugly guy, but you wouldn't put him on a magazine cover if he weren't a comic. He wouldn't get half the women he has now. Neither would I. It's so ridiculous. It's insane. The very best comics aren't ugly, but they're not like Brad Pitt. If Brad Pitt walked out there, all slicked out, and wanted to do stand-up comedy, he wouldn't be accepted. People don't relate to him. What's he going to talk about? Oh, yeah, my girlfriend and I just broke up. Boo-hoo [laughs]. Fuck you! The crowd wouldn't accept it. But you really believe it when Rodney Danger-field says, "I get no respect." He totally looks like a guy who gets beat up all the time and whose wife fucks around on him. He can get away with those kinds of jokes. Audiences want to relate to somebody who has faults. A comic has to be average-looking at best. That's why there aren't many beautiful women in short skirts up there. Other women aren't going to relate to that. Are you kidding me? "What does she have to complain about?" "I got a ticket when the cops stopped me at the traffic light." "Why don't you fuck him? Why don't you show him your tits and get out of the ticket?" "Shut up and quit complaining." Comedy opened the door to people who aren't great-looking. I always wanted to be the star on a show, but the people in charge always want me to be part of an ensemble. I wore glasses and had short hair and a big gut and people would say, "America doesn't want to watch him"; America loves looking at good-looking people. If Neve Campbell's character on Party of Five were played by somebody less attractive—but still a good actress—I don't think it would go over. Nothing against Neve Campbell; she's really beautiful, very talented, and I'm a big, big fan. In comedy, however, it's better if you don't look too good.

[Q] Playboy: Last year, Bill Maher posed this question to the panel on Politically Incorrect: How large do a woman's breasts have to be before she's not taken seriously anymore? What's your answer?

[A] Carey: I think fake tits are just—forget it. If it's a question of getting fake tits, I hate 'em. Don't do it. I don't think the issue is big breasts or not big breasts. It's implants or no implants. Implants imply that you're shallow and vain and all you need is a pair of tits to get by. Natural breasts, big or small, state, "I'm happy with who I am."

[Q] Playboy: Can you always tell fake ones from real ones?

[A] Carey: I've dated women with fake tits. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world, don't get me wrong. But none of them really needed it. There was one girl I dated who was totally beautiful; she had fake tits but didn't need them. I couldn't figure out why she did it. I never brought it up with her, but I thought, Why did you waste your money? She's a model. She probably gets more work. Every stripper I know who's gotten fake tits says she gets more money with bigger tits. Some of them get really big ones, which is a bad thing to do. My manager and I went to a strip club in Cleveland when I was doing my Showtime special there. We didn't know they had a special act that night. The woman who was appearing supposedly had the biggest breasts in the country. They were huge. They were like insane—cartoon huge. It was such a turn-off. I felt bad for her. It was like going to the freak show at a fair. I didn't want her to dance for me. I didn't want to be anywhere near her. She mutilated herself. Ugh, it was horrible.

[Q] Playboy: But you've had your nipples pierced. What inspired that?

[A] Carey: They're not pierced anymore. But I thought it was kind of cool, because it was something nobody would ever expect of me, considering the way I look. I remember hearing George Schultz from the Reagan administration say he had a tattoo of a tiger on his ass from when he was in college, which I believe is true. Every time I saw Schultz after that I thought, He's a lot cooler than I thought he was.

[Q] Playboy: Did it hurt?

[A] Carey: The initial pain of getting your nipples pierced is tremendous. It's like getting stabbed. But after it healed it made my nipples ten times more sensitive than they were before. It feels great for anybody who likes having their nipples pinched or played with or whatever during sex—and everybody does, men and women. But I took one out because it was put in too close to the skin. If something was rubbing against my shirt, my nipple would feel sore. I could put up with it for a while because it was like having a bruise. But then I just got tired of it and took it out. I couldn't put on a seat belt for a few weeks after I got them done. One time I was carrying a shoulder bag through the airport and I let the strap slip. It felt like somebody punched me, and I went down on one knee. I pierced them just to see what it was like. It was a macho thing: "I'm not going to be a wimp." [Laughs] "See what a man I am? I got my nipples pierced, there's nothing you can do to me!" I almost got my dick pierced too, but I was on my way to a strip club. I didn't want to be getting lap dances when I just got my dick pierced. That's what kept me from getting it done. I think you have to wait at least a couple of weeks before it's OK to have sex again. And I don't want to tear anybody up. It's now out of my head. I'm over that phase.

[Q] Playboy: When you see an attractive, clothed woman, what's the first thing you notice about her?

[A] Carey: Her face.

[Q] Playboy: And when she's not clothed?

[A] Carey: I'm a leg man. I like legs and asses. I was never much of a tits guy. Flat-chested, big-chested, it doesn't matter to me. Save your implant money.

[Q] Playboy: Do you feel sexy?

[A] Carey: Not lately. I feel dumpy and fat because I'm overweight. I just hate being overweight. It's unattractive. I hate having a big gut. I don't like being out of shape because I get tired quicker. It's like a weird body, this gut sticking out. I'm always aware of it. A lot of women can get past it—I don't think women are as hung up on looks as men are. But that's not my reason to exist. My goal in life isn't to have sex with beautiful women. That's ridiculous. How shallow does a person have to be to make that their life's goal? In the military I was in great shape. I used to be really vain about my looks. Even though I was slim, I never thought I was. I thought I was fat when I'd see somebody with a washboard stomach that I didn't have. I was really very attractive. I just didn't give myself any credit.

[Q] Playboy: Ellen DeGeneres said that the week she came out of the closet, she lost weight because she felt liberated by speaking her truth.

[A] Carey: Right. Well, once this eating-pussy stuff comes out in Playboy maybe I'll lose the weight. Wow, I've never talked about sex so much in an interview.

[Q] Playboy: From whom did you learn the facts of life?

[A] Carey: My mom brought me a pamphlet from church called Almost 12. I got it when I was 13. I still have it. There's a fuzzy picture on the cover and line drawings of a uterus and stuff in the middle. She came home from church one day and said, "Here, I have this for you." I read the thing and thought, Oh, that's what this is called! It's a penis, not a cock. I thought it was called a cock.

[Q] Playboy: Do you always have this much fun?

[A] Carey: [Laughs, nods his head]

[Q] Playboy: Clearly, your life hasn't been all fun. You have tried to kill yourself. Twice. Why?

[A] Carey: I was in pretty bad shape in those days. You can't be well if you try to kill yourself [laughs]. It's so unnormal. It's not a sane decision. I couldn't tell you exactly how I was feeling at all. The situation is so far removed from me now, I have no idea what I was doing or what I was thinking. But I do remember thinking, What an idiot.

[Q] Playboy: How did the suicide attempts change you?

[A] Carey: I'm hardly afraid of anything. It takes away a lot of fear when you're not afraid of dying. You know everybody dies and you accept it. You think, Yeah, I'll try anything, because you want to experience stuff before you go. While you're on the earth, you want to live, so that's all there is to that.

[Q] Playboy: What sorts of things were going through your mind when you awoke from those experiences?

[A] Carey: The first time, I was in my fraternity house after I took the pills. I thought, Oh man, what's going to happen? Am I going to hell? That thought came into my head right away. I was really afraid of it. I ran and got somebody right away. The second time, I don't know what I was thinking. I took a lot of pills and called this girl I knew to say goodbye to her. I told her what I did and she called the police. I didn't think they would get to me in time, but they did. I felt, Wow, what a loser. What a stupid thing to do. How could I be such a bonehead?

[Q] Playboy: Afterward, what helped?

[A] Carey: When you start over, there's a rebuilding process that you have to go through. Once you start, it forces you to take a second look at yourself. If you do it in a good way, you think, Well, I did something stupid, but at least I have both hands and feet. After the first attempt, I bought a Wayne Dyer book called Your Erroneous Zone, which helped. It gave me an easy-to-understand, logical, acceptable explanation for what I was going through. I thought, Why didn't somebody tell me this before? After the second attempt, I read the self-help books I hadn't read. They helped. I never tried again.

[Q] Playboy: You wrote that you were sexually abused when you were nine years old. Was that connected to the suicide attempts?

[A] Carey: I'm sure it had a domino effect. I've read books about it. I bought a book called Abused Boys. Most books about sexual abuse are about women. Ryan Stiles' joke on our set is, "We'll be back with Touched by an Uncle right after this" [laughs]. That's the typical thing you think of, but sexual abuse could come from an older woman. It could be another teenager. There are a lot of ways a child can be sexually abused. It's not necessarily by a parent or an uncle when it's inappropriate sexual contact with a person that age.

I don't want to make it out to be too big a thing. Nothing I read about in Abused Boys ever happened to me. Those guys were repeatedly raped by a grandfather or an aunt or somebody.

That book was horrible to read. Man, it was really heartbreaking. But I don't want people to think that's what happened to me. It was a one-time thing. It wasn't a good thing, but it wasn't the worst thing that could ever happen to (continued on page 140)Drew Carey(continued from page 64) somebody.

[Q] Playboy: You state in your book that the main reason you wrote about the incident was to encourage others in that situation to get help.

[A] Carey: You shouldn't be ashamed of anything that happens when you're a kid. You're a kid! What are you going to do? There is nothing to be ashamed of. It happens. It happens when you're a kid. So deal with it and then shut up. That's what I did. That's what I hope to do. I dealt with it. I'm over it. But anybody who says something like "My husband beat me up, so I'm allowed to act like a total bitch for the rest of my life" is wrong. You're not. Your husband beat you up, and after you deal with it, don't bring it up again. It doesn't affect you today. Now you're just being a cunt [laughs]. It doesn't matter if your husband beat you up or not.

[Q] Playboy: Since you revealed the molestation, do your fans take some of your punch lines in your stand-up act differently—specifically, when you joke about getting fucked up the ass?

[A] Carey: I didn't get fucked up the ass. I'll go on the record [laughs]. Comedically, that's a really embarrassing, funny thing to talk about, being fucked up the ass. It works for jokes. But I didn't get fucked up the ass. So there. You happy?

[Q] Playboy: On the show, Ryan Stiles plays Lewis. Is his name an homage to your father?

[A] Carey: Yeah.

[Q] Playboy: Your dad was ill most of the time while you were growing up, in and out of the hospital. He died when you were nine years old. What do you remember about him?

[A] Carey: I remember certain things. After he had his eye taken out he'd show me what was behind his eye patch. He'd go, "Hey, watch what I can do, I can breathe through my eye." He'd make the patch go in and out, and then he'd let me look inside. I thought that was really cool.

[Q] Playboy: After your father died, did you feel the absence of a male role model?

[A] Carey: My mom started dating this guy when I was 14, but when she married him I was already in my 20s. I didn't like him at first. It's weird having your mom date somebody. I got along with him, but he had no influence on me really. He's a great guy and everything, don't get me wrong. He just never had a hand in raising me or anything like that. He was always George. Never Dad, you know? I joined the Big Brothers program. The Big Brother I had was a really nice guy. I still keep in touch with him. But there's no substitute for a father. My Big Brother was just a guy who took me to the ballpark once a month. It was my mom's idea. Me and my Big Brother got along great, but it wasn't like I ever confided anything to him. If I ever had a really big problem or worried about something, I'd always look in a book. I never went to my family.

[Q] Playboy: And now you have your audience. Do you remember when you decided to be a full-time comedian?

[A] Carey: The official first time was in 1986. But before that, in 1979, the only reason I got started was to get this performing thing out of my system. I had no idea what I was doing at that time in my life. Comedy was one of the things I wanted to try just to see what it was like, but I couldn't figure out the secret of jokes. I would get up and, oh man, even just walking up those three stairs to the stage was like the death march. So I went to the library and I got a book on how to write jokes. I remember that day. It was like a miracle: This is how you write jokes. Before that, when anybody said something funny in a conversation I'd think it could be in my act. And that was the extent of my act. It was the saddest fucking thing. I had all these you-had-to-be-there-type comments.

[Q] Playboy: What did the library books teach you?

[A] Carey: One book said, "To write a joke about cars, make a list of everything you can think of about cars: women drivers, traffic lights, old drivers, new cars, old cars, big cars, small cars, gas prices, car mechanics, repairs, buying a car and car salesmen, for example." Then you take one of those things and break it down even more, and then apply these funny ways to twist a word around, exaggerate a feature. Next thing you know, you'd have like ten jokes about cars, and maybe one of them might be pretty funny. If you want to break it down further, just write one-liners. The one-liner gag is the basis for every stand-up act, no matter what the style of comedy is. Once I did that, I thought maybe I could try doing it on amateur night. I started listening to self-improvement tapes by Denis Waitley and Zig Ziglar. They were such a big influence on my life. Waitley said, "You should try to do something you're good at, even if you don't make a living at it; do it for a hobby and you'll get a lot more fulfillment out of your life." I thought, Well, I'm good at telling jokes. People at work think I'm funny. Maybe I'll try this out at amateur night.

[Q] Playboy: Do you remember your first amateur night?

[A] Carey: I won 50 bucks. I kept going back, and then the guy who owned the place hired me as an emcee. That was my first paid gig. I got 100 bucks for nine shows at the Akron Comedy Club, the first place I got paid to do stand-up. All kinds of stuff came after that. Once I was booked at a colostomy convention. I stepped up to a podium with a goose-necked microphone. It was in the middle of the day, and everybody was sitting there, a lot of old people wearing colostomy bags. For three days they'd heard nothing but how to live with your colostomy bag, and don't feel bad about yourselves because you have this problem. My part was called "Laughter Is the Best Medicine with comedian Drew Carey," sponsored by one of the companies that makes the bags. It was the worst.

[Q] Playboy: Did you edit your material?

[A] Carey: I didn't have to. I worked really clean back then.

[Q] Playboy: That has obviously changed.

[A] Carey: I started thinking, I've got to make a living. What's the big deal if I say a couple of swear words? So after a while I started talking the way I normally talk. I had to change from jokey to loose. I went with this concept of caring enough not to care. That's one big secret to doing really successful stand-up comedy or anything: Care enough not to care. It's your attitude when you walk out there. It has nothing to do with your language or the subject matter. If you walk on a stage thinking, These people like me, you're dead. You have to walk out thinking, Here's my thing, either you like it or you don't. That's what gives you the confidence to present it. People in an audience want to be led. You have to be the leader when you go out there. You can't be the leader if you're worried about them liking you. I'd hear from people, "If you work clean, you'll get a lot more work," but that didn't turn out to be true. It's actually how funny you are. I don't like the whole discussion of certain words you should or shouldn't say. You know, nowhere in the Bible does it say you can't say the word fuck.

[Q] Playboy: There's a section of your book devoted to jokes about having a big dick.

[A] Carey: I really don't have a big dick. Those are just jokes. They're funnier than "My dick is so average" jokes. Those aren't so funny [laughs]. I've done a lot of "My dick is so big" jokes. My friend Les Firestein came up with really good ones, like "My dick is so big, there's a shoe called Air My Dick." I've done time-travel jokes of things my dick does in the future: "My dick is so big, it graduated high school a year ahead of me." These all started when John Caponera, the star of a show I was in called The Good Life, was rehearsing a scene that had a megaphone in it. He stuck his dick into the opening of the megaphone and waggled it at me. He said, "Hey, Drew." I looked over and he went, "Ehhh!" And I waved, "Hey, man. You call that a dick? My dick is so big——" and I thought of one. Then he came back with one a minute later. Then the other comic on the show was doing them. Every day we would come to work and try to outdo one another with big-dick jokes. Caponera even called me at like two in the morning and said, "Hey, Drew, my dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor." And without even thinking or saying hello or anything, I go, "My dick is so big, if you look up in the sky, you can see the girl I'm fucking right now. All right, bye." That was the whole conversation. I could hear his wife giggling in the background. I never asked him, but it sounded like they'd just gotten done fucking.

[Q] Playboy: We would think many of your "My dick is so big" jokes wouldn't have made it past your editor's red pencil. How did they avoid being censored?

[A] Carey: Some didn't. Want to hear a couple they wouldn't let me use? "My dick is so big that when I come I can hit Kennedy from the book depository." I wish I could have used that one, but the publishers wouldn't allow it because it has to do with body fluids. I had to fight for "My dick is so big clowns climb out of it when I come," because it has "come" in it. I don't know if this one's in there: "My dick is so big my girlfriend needs a snorkel to blow me—because of the amount of come," something like that. They were grossed out by that kind of thing. I couldn't believe it. Really homo-ey.

[Q] Playboy: How have women reacted to your "My dick is so big" jokes?

[A] Carey: Every woman I know loves them. Even Kathie Lee Gifford. That was her favorite chapter in the book. On the air, she said that she got together with her husband, Frank, and her friends. She said they laughed till they fell off their stools. She has that squeaky-clean image, but it doesn't mean she can't like a good big-dick joke.

[Q] Playboy: You've said that if you didn't have The Drew Carey Show you would probably still be living in Cleveland.

[A] Carey: Yes, if things hadn't gone well in my comedy career, I would probably still be living in that house. I don't see why I wouldn't be.

[Q] Playboy: Which city would you pick to raise kids?

[A] Carey: Cleveland. It's normal. The schools are better. They're not so sucky as the LA schools [laughs]. Never in a million years would I put a child of mine in the Los Angeles school system. Never. [Grimacing] Blehhh. I don't want my kids going to school with gang kids, metal detectors, crime and graffiti. Forget it. You can't get an education in Los Angeles, not in those schools. Won't happen. I want a school system with some standards. I want my kids to learn to speak well and I want them to get an education. They don't educate the children in Los Angeles because people don't want to pay for education. At least Cleveland has average schools, and there are good private schools.

Cleveland has a really good park system. Good neighborhoods. Arguably the best symphony orchestra in the world. You can't find a better party spot anywhere in the country than the Flats. You just park your car and go bar to bar. It's unbelievable. I don't think there's any other city with a party area like the Flats. What does Los Angeles have? Universal City? Give me a break. I want to die in Cleveland.

[Q] Playboy: But isn't it cold in Cleveland?

[A] Carey: Yeah, it snows there, but it's not the end of the world. People are wimps. There's nothing to it. Shovel your fucking walk. It takes ten minutes to shovel a goddamn driveway and then you drive out [laughs]. Thirty years from now, I'll be 70 years old, and I'll go to Cleveland and die.

[Q] Playboy: You're giving yourself 30 years?

[A] Carey: I don't know. I might have one year or 30. Who knows? There's only thing I know. Whether it's one year or 30, I hope I go out having as good a time as I'm having now. I hope I go out laughing.

Emmys don't mean a goddamn thing. If you get nominated for an Emmy, it just means people know your name.

I like it when women are the pursuers. I'm not really good at picking up women.

I got a book on how to write jokes. It was like a miracle: This is how you write jokes.