Will Your Relationship Last?

You have just had one of those incredible weekends together: laughing at each other's jokes, listening to each other's stories, talking about your best dreams for the future, then rolling again and again into the kind of lovemaking that almost sets the drapes on fire, until finally you can't help wondering if maybe you shouldn't just go ahead and start looking for the kind of jewelry that asks, "Um, do you want to try this ... I mean ... till ... um ... death do us part?"

It's never easy to know through the first blinding strike of love and sex if the relationship is doomed or blessed to go the distance. There is a man, however, whose scientific approach to couples' research over the past 28 years has produced unequaled accuracy in predicting exactly that. His name is John Gottman, and before he took his Ph.D. in psychology he graduated from MIT with a master's in mathematics. As a result, he began examining the powerful emotional currents that run through all relationships in much the same way mathematicians look at chaos theory. By attaching numbers to the myriad physical and psychological reactions a couple has to each other in conversation, he has developed a formula that can predict the success or failure of a relationship 94 percent of the time.

"John Gottman is the Mozart of social science research," says one of his colleagues. "If anybody ever wins a Nobel Prize in family research, it's going to be him."

Gottman, an animated man with a gray beard and receding hair, is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, where he runs his experimental sessions. In a small room, the subject couple is seated facing each other, then wired as they would be for a lie detector test to chart their heart rate, breathing, sweating, fidgeting and the speed at which blood flows from the heart to the extremities. Then, as video cameras record their facial expressions, body language and gestures, the couple is asked to discuss a continuing conflict in their relationship. Following the discussion, the two are separated, shown the video of their reactions and asked to turn a dial calibrated to indicate positive or negative feelings about what they are seeing. Those numbers (along with the physiological data and numerical values his team has attached to gestures and expression) are fed into a computer programmed with the formula Gottman has developed to forecast whether the couple will survive the storms that every intimate relationship eventually suffers.

"There is no relationship that does not have recurring problems," says Gottman. "We've found that when you commit to someone, you automatically choose your set of unresolved problems with that person. If you had chosen somebody else, you'd have different problems. Successful relationships develop a dialogue with the problem, the way we develop a dialogue with physical problems as we age. Failing couples get gridlocked on their disagreements. They sabotage each other's attempts to communicate and constantly hurt each other's feelings."

Gottman's measure of the physical and emotional tides that wash over couples in these conversations have identified four signs of potentially fatal gridlock. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling. He refers to them as the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

"Every relationship has some of the four horsemen," he says. "Everybody screws up. Repairing the damage is critical. If it isn't repaired, each horseman cuts a path for the next one until the relationship goes into a free fall toward failure. Our research has specifically identified the degree to which couples engage in four conversational styles as early warning signs of the beginning of the end. There are things you can do to change a downward spiral, but first you have to be aware of the behaviors that feed the destructive cascade of discord and negativity."

Given his success at charting the chaotic emotional dynamics in relationships, we have asked Gottman to help us fashion a four-part test that will give you some idea of how your horses are running. Ideally, your pretest relationship should be at least six months old, and though no test can be a foolproof measure of the human heart, your scores here should at least give you a sense of whether you and your sweetheart will still be together down the road. For those of you who find the hoofbeats loud and close, Gottman's suggestions on how to turn the stampede are included in the Yes, There's Hope sidebar at left.

Criticism

Every couple has its complaints, which is really just a sign that you're two distinct human beings. It's fine to tell your partner that you didn't like it when she arrived an hour late for the dinner you were cooking for your boss and his wife. But when you load the complaint with an attack on her personality or character ("What is it about your upbringing that makes you think it's all right to keep everybody waiting?"), that's criticism. All couples fall into criticism around their hot-button issues, but if the tough conversations revolve relentlessly around phrases such as You always, or You never, the first horseman is loose and the others are probably on their way.

Think back to your last argument and answer these statements with a yes or no:

(1) I thought it was important to establish who was at fault.

(2) I was trying to see patterns and analyze my partner's personality as part of my complaint.

(3) I wanted to make a general point instead of sticking to the specific issue we'd started with.

(4) I didn't censor my complaints at all. I let my partner have it in a really vicious way.

(5) When I was complaining I felt (continued on page 88)Relationship(continued from page 78) completely out of control.

(6) I didn't exactly make my point in a detached, evenhanded way.

(7) When I got going, I brought up my partner's faults.

(8) I resented having to bring up these issues in the first place.

(9) I regret my tactless choice of words.

(10) When I bring up a problem I don't stop until my partner sees I'm right.

(11) I used phrases like You always or You never.

(12) As I complained, something unlocked an overwhelming tide of emotions in me.

Yes answers to four or more of these questions suggest that the couple has fallen into an angry critical style. Couples who habitually criticize each other are likely to be preparing for the second horseman, a meaner, angrier version of the first.

Contempt

Contempt is criticism run wild. Now the partners' remarks are not only critical, but they are intended for insult and psychological abuse as well. "You're wrong" becomes "You're stupid." Words such as fat, ugly, jerk, bastard, bitch and wimp are dramatized with angry body language and facial expressions. Name-calling, hostile humor and mockery are clear signals of contempt and convey a collapse of respect for the other. On bad days, even those in the best relationships can stoop to contempt, but the couple is not likely to last if disagreements sink to this knock-down-drag-out level too often.

Think back to your most recent dustup and agree or disagree with these statements:

(1) During our tiff, I couldn't think of a single thing that I admire in my partner.

(2) When I got upset I could see glaring faults in my partner's character.

(3) I tried to point out how my partner was foolish in certain situations.

(4) I found myself putting my partner down.

(5) My partner can be incredibly arrogant at times.

(6) When my partner got negative I found myself thinking of insulting things to say back.

(7) I had no respect for my partner's behavior.

(8) When my partner is upset with me I think of all the ways I've been let down in the relationship.

(9) I always feel a sense of righteous indignation when my partner gets negative.

(10) When I get dumped-on I think of ways to get even.

(11) I was disgusted with the way my partner acted.

(12) My partner was too stubborn to compromise.

(13) I felt that my partner was utterly stupid.

If you agreed on five or more of these items, the second horseman is probably at work destroying the baseline respect that is the long-term glue in any partnership.

Defensiveness

Most people defend themselves when attacked. Some react defensively to criticism or even simple complaints, but in the face of contempt it is nearly reflexive. Nevertheless, defensive phrases and attitudes tend to escalate the conflict rather than resolve it. Most of us are not aware of how defensive we become when we are faced with criticism or contempt, but there are several signs that mean we are reacting to the attack rather than listening to the issues at hand:

• Denying responsibility. No matter what the charge, you insist you're not to blame. "I didn't take the clothes to the cleaners because you didn't leave them out."

• Making excuses. Forces beyond your control made you do it. "I was late because the freeway was jammed."

• Cross-complaining. Adding an unrelated complaint or criticism to whatever has been thrown at you. "The fact that we never have people over is not because I'm antisocial, it's because you never clean the damned house."

• Yes-butting. Insisting that you have a morally justifiable reason for doing what you are accused of. "I may not be home for dinner as much as you want, but if I don't work late we won't be able to pay the bills."

• Repeating yourself. Making the same point over and over despite what the other says, as if simple repeated denials of the issue will defuse it. "How many times do I have to say it? Golf four days a week is not too much. You have to play often to be any good."

• Body language. Physical signs of defensiveness include false smiles, rolling the eyes, pursing the lips, shifting the body from side to side and folding the arms across the chest.

Think back to your last argument and agree or disagree with these 12 statements:

(1) When my partner complained, I felt unfairly picked on.

(2) I didn't feel I got any credit for all the positive things I do.

(3) I wasn't responsible in any way for what went wrong.

(4) When my partner started complaining, I realized I also had a set of complaints that needed to be heard.

(5) My partner's negativity became too intense and out of proportion.

(6) My partner was too touchy and feelings were hurt too easily.

(7) When my partner complained, I had no choice but to ward off the attacks.

(8) I had to deny the complaints against me that were inaccurate.

(9) My partner's views of the problem were completely self-centered.

(10) All my partner did was find fault with me.

(11) I felt like I was being beaten with a baseball bat.

(12) As my partner rattled on, I spent most of my time thinking of ways to retaliate.

If you agreed on five or more items, defensiveness is probably standing in the way of your progress.

Stonewalling

Stony silence is a powerful act. Removing yourself from the conversation conveys disapproval, distance and smugness. Stonewallers usually deliver their angry message in monosyllabic mutterings ("Yeah, right; Uh-huh, sure"), attempt to change the subject ("Yeah, I'm late. Got caught in traffic. What's for dinner?") or by just leaving the room. What it says to the other is that the game is over; somebody just took the ball and went home. Interestingly, Gottman has found that 85 percent of stonewallers are men, and he thinks the reason may be biological. "Men tend to be more physiologically overwhelmed than women in moments of marital tension" he says. "Their pulse and blood pressure rise, which initiates a desire to get the hell out. When he does, the woman is left with even greater anger and frustration. If either partner becomes a habitual stonewaller, the couple is most likely to end up apart or living lonely, parallel lives in the same house."

Remember your latest skirmish and agree or disagree with the following statements:

(concluded on page 145)Relationship(continued from page 88)

(1) When my partner complained, I just wanted to get away from all of the garbage.

(2) I had to work hard to control myself so that I wouldn't say what I really was feeling.

(3) I thought, It's best to shut up and avoid a big fight.

(4) I withdrew to try to calm down.

(5) I just had to leave the room.

(6) When my partner gets negative, I think my best response is not to respond at all.

(7) I'd rather pull back than get my feelings hurt.

(8) Most of the time, withdrawing is the best solution.

(9) I wondered why small issues suddenly became big ones.

(10) I shut down when my partner's emotions seemed out of control.

(11) I thought, There's no way in hell I have to take this crap.

(12) I didn't want to fan the flames of conflict, so I just sat back and waited.

(13) I cannot tolerate it when our discussions stop being rational.

If you agreed on five or more items you're probably a stonewaller.

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The four horsemen occasionally trample hoofprints into every relationship, so there's no reason to despair if you've felt their hot breath in your arguments now and then. And no matter how you've scored on these tests, only you and your partner can finally decide whether it's worth the work it takes to avoid or repair and resolve the inevitable angry episodes. The happiest, most stable couples accept that all relationships have limitations, frustrations and lamentations. What gets them through is their ability to show each other underlying love and respect even while they squabble. And though every intimate relationship is complicated, Gottman's laboratory research with hundreds of couples has yielded a mathematical principle that describes all the solid partnerships he has studied. "It's a simple equation," he says. "Couples with a ratio of five good moments to every bad one succeed." Simple. But never easy.

"Yes, There's Hope"

So you failed the tests. That doesn't mean the end is near or that you can't change. John Gottman has some advice on saving your relationship.

• For those who are just too critical, Gottman warns that attacking your partner will almost certainly bury your legitimate complaint in an avalanche of bad feelings. During your next argument, he suggests, try to take the blame out of your peeves. Be direct. Say: "When you were late for dinner it rattled me," instead of, "The reason you're always late is that you don't give a damn about anyone but yourself."

Leave your partner's personality out of it. Don't color your remarks with insult ("You know your timing sucks"), mockery ("I guess we all ought to get ourselves a watch that doesn't have a big hand or a little hand") or sarcasm ("We had a great time eating cheeseballs and watching the roast shrivel while we waited for your entrance"). And limit yourself to a single complaint rather than piling all your angry baggage into one bewildering onslaught ("And the body stocking was a bit much, not to mention the way you talked with your mouth full, then ate with your fingers off the boss' plate while everyone stared and I felt like a complete idiot").

• Is too much criticism leading you to contempt? Unchecked contempt is a sign that the fondness and admiration you brought into the relationship is dying. When couples attack each other in cruel and careless ways, one of them, usually the man, is likely to experience a flood of adrenaline and other stress chemicals that trigger increased heartbeat, respiration and sweating. Gottman's studies have shown that this flooding goads the mind into a cycle of distorted and distressing thoughts, from which it is difficult to recover. When you begin to feel that your partner doesn't even like you, it becomes nearly impossible to think of ways or reasons to repair the rift.

The antidote to contempt is the kind of admiration that friends share. "Our work," says Gottman, "has shown that simple friendship between a couple is not only a powerful predictor of long-term success, it's also the mainstay of good sex."

If you find yourself in or near contempt in your next heated argument, try to inject a note of respect or affection somewhere in the cloud of vitriol as a way of acknowledging that your basic friendship has not died in battle. Don't use arguments as opportunities to retaliate or exhibit your superior moral stance. Disputes that sink consistently into contempt almost always end in righteousness, shame and disgust, and virtually guarantee that the third horseman will come charging into the fray.

• It's difficult not to be defensive at times. In general, the defensive person feels wronged, misunderstood, unfairly treated and unappreciated. These feelings are not easy to overcome, but Gottman's research has shown that if you can hear your partner's words as information strongly expressed rather than as an attack, you may be able to defuse the situation. If you can be genuinely open and receptive even in the face of hard accusations, your partner's attack will probably soften. If it doesn't, if you dig in and remain defensive the fourth horseman will likely arrive to close the circle of failure around your relationship.

• Even if your relationship is being attacked by the fourth horseman, Gottman has a remedy. He points out that stonewalling is most often a physiological reaction, and the best way to break out of it is to calm yourself: Take deep breaths, tell yourself that the attack is not personal but the result of a mutual and perhaps natural difficulty in the relationship. Remind yourself that though this is a bad moment, things are not always this dark. Tell yourself that it's better to hang in there, maybe even to admit that you feel like fleeing, instead of actually running out on the conversation. Even painful exchanges are usually better than no exchange at all. Even heated disputes can be cooled.

Gottman has found that if you can break off the conversation for 20 minutes—enough time for heart rates and adrenaline to diminish—things can be different when you return. He stops couples after 15 minutes of arguing and asks them to read magazines for 20 minutes. When they resume their discussion, both have lost the fire that was consuming them. It doesn't work if they take the 20 minutes to rehearse further argument or to replay the bad moments they have just been through. But after a simple distracting task, they return to the conversation with the productive calm that they had lost during the argument.

The couple is not likely to last if disagreements sink to this knock-down-drag-out level.