The Man Show

Originally, The Man Show was supposed to boost ABC's short list of bright, hip shows, joining Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect. Unfortunately, the executives at the Disney-owned network were appalled by the pilot--scantily clad women bouncing on trampolines, endless fart jokes--as well as by the gross and obscene language and visuals. ABC passed.

Comedy Central loved what it saw and promptly brought The Man Show to its Wednesday night lineup, following South Park. Jimmy Kimmel, already a Comedy Central veteran by way of Win Ben Stein's Money, hooked up with his longtime friend Adam Carolla, co-star of MTV's Love-line, to host this celebration of all things male.

Robert Crane talked with Kimmel and Carolla on the Ben Stein set in Los Angeles. Crane reports: "After Kimmel had taped three shows, he and Carolla settled into Kimmel's dressing room. The atmosphere was fraternity-like, interrupted occasionally by adults. Ben Stein popped in to announce that 'Jimmy Kimmel is the funniest white male alive,' and an assistant informed Carolla that he would have to move his illegally parked BMW."

[Q] Playboy: Which groups would be unlikely to find any redeeming qualities in your show?

[A] Jimmy: Women in suits of any kind.

[A] Adam: Groups that use acronyms. Female, male, all of those acronym groups are going to be pissed. We're not intentionally setting out to offend people, but I think we would both be disappointed if we didn't. We'd feel as if we weren't doing our jobs. We've been successful in offending pretty much everyone throughout both our careers. I don't see why this will be any different.

[Q] Playboy: You claim that estrogen is one of the most poisonous substances known to man. Can you name others?

[A] Jimmy: Mountain Dew.

[A] Adam: Anything by Bijan.

[Q] Playboy: Can you think of any women who deserve to be on a pedestal?

[A] Jimmy: Any woman you see in this magazine. The truth is, lots of women deserve to be put on a pedestal. The problem is, not every woman deserves to put be on a pedestal. We're not antiwoman, it's just that television promotes the idea that men are stupid and don't wear the pants. But men aren't stupid. For the most part, men run things. Men, for the most part, invent things. Men, for the most part, are the best cooks. It's phony to pretend that men are stupid, but TV shows kind of ram that down your throat. I don't know why it's been accepted for so long. Maybe it's because of all the Tim Allens of the world--he's a bumbling idiot and the wife is the one who runs the show.

[A] Adam: As males, we've been ashamed of our success for too long. The guys built the studio, they built the bleachers, they built the camera, they built the stage, they run the studio. They do everything involved with the TV show, and then the guy who plays the star on the sitcom is a buffoon. It's ridiculous, and we want to right that wrong.

[A] Jimmy: If something like this were attributed to a race or religion--for example, if all Mexicans on TV were stupid--people would be outraged.

[Q] Playboy: What should the male response be when a woman cries?

[A] Adam: Have they had sex yet? If they haven't, he should nurture her.

[A] Jimmy: Otherwise, get the hell out of the house.

[Q] Playboy: What are some fun things to say to women?

[A] Jimmy: I can't really think of any fun things to say to a woman. You know, you start saying fun things and she starts saying stuff back, and then she wants to know what you're thinking and it really gets out of hand.

[A] Adam: I think what Jimmy's saying is, there's nothing wrong with a conversation on occasion, but once you set that precedent, then you're having them all the time. It's no longer just during long drives. You're watching TV and you're having a conversation.

[A] Jimmy: Here are some fun things to say to women: "Let's turn on the TV." "Your ass is blocking the set." "I can't, I'm watching TV."

[Q] Playboy: If you're in a relationship, what should you say to continue the relationship?

[A] Jimmy: I don't know that women even want you to say anything; they just want to make sure that you're listening to what they have to say. I mean, every time I say something, she gets pissed off.

[A] Adam: That's true. My girlfriend says to me four days a week, "You're not listening. What did I just say?" I've never said to a woman, "Repeat what I just said." Never. I don't think guys ever say that.

[A] Jimmy: Yeah, guys don't care that much, except if it's about the car or something. "Take it and get the oil changed." Then you want to make sure they understand. For me, a relationship is almost like a phone call that you're trying to end. You say, "Yeah, uh-huh, all right, all right, OK, I don't know, we'll see."

Ultimately, men just want to be left alone. Of (continued on page 128)Man Show (continued from page 97) course there's a honeymoon period, or maybe you're out dating and stuff, but ultimately we want to be left to ourselves. We want to go to the room where there's a television and no one talks to us at all.

[A] Adam: That's why the garage shouldn't be attached to the house. There's never a bathroom in the garage because then the guy would never come back.

[Q] Playboy: Complete the sentence, "A woman's place is in the. . . ."

[A] Jimmy: Closet? I don't know where a woman's place is. I know where their places aren't, and their places aren't on the golf course, in the bowling alley, in the living room. My wife told me, "I'm thinking about taking golf lessons." I said, "Are you going lesbian?" She said, "No, it'll be nice. We can go play golf together." I was like, what the hell are you talking about? Play golf? I don't go to play golf. I go to walk around with some other guys for six hours--and get away from you.

[A] Adam: The idea is that you get to walk around with guys. Sometimes we just walk--we'll pass three or four holes without even playing. Women are constantly trying to think of hobbies that men and women can do together. They don't realize that guys have cooked up hobbies that they know women will hate, just so they can be left alone.

[Q] Playboy: Construct a curriculum on how to be a man.

[A] Jimmy: We think of this show as a graduate program on how to be a man, because, you know, there are so many aspects that a lot of guys really don't understand. Being a man is not about having a penis; being a man is an internal thing. Even some women are men. You know, the women who seem like one of the guys. They're kind of hard, and that's who the show is for. Being a man is more about the things you don't do than the things you do. There's a lot of room to be a man, but there are certain things you can't really be party to. I caught a 25-year-old guy who works here calling into a radio station to win Billy Joel tickets. I said, "What are you doing?" He really had no idea why it was wrong.

[Q] Playboy: Your show is predicated on the fact that men don't have to say we're sorry--but surely men have to say sorry for a few things.

[A] Jimmy: Only those that are to our advantage. Certainly, there are times you have to say you're sorry, but only to get sex, or to get them to leave you alone. It's purely to keep your life more pleasant. If you say you're sorry too much, when the chips are really down you have to start crying or something like that. That's why it's important to almost never say you're sorry, so when you pull it out, it's a big gun. Remember how Fonzie would never apologize for anything on Happy Days? But when on the rare occasion he choked up with Mr. C and said he was sorry, it was a big deal. He got a big round of applause.

[Q] Playboy: Jimmy, do you have advice for men in your condition?

[A] Jimmy: My condition--you mean being married? I would never say don't get married, because there are definitely good things about being married. I'd say don't give up your testicles. A lot of guys turn into a child and their wife becomes mommy. I never want my wife to be mommy. A lot of guys do. They give up their power or their edge. They give it up in exchange for being taken care of. I won't do it, and I hate to see guys who do. I see it happen to friends--they just wave the white flag. It's like they just get too tired.

[A] Adam: They're not even getting anything in return after a certain period. It's not like they get breakfast in bed every day. The wife becomes some sort of troll who's sleeping under the bed, and you got to tiptoe around the house because she'll come out in a bad mood. But it's not like the troll is cooking breakfast. Men just hit the point where they don't want to piss her off.

[Q] Playboy: List some bulletproof arguments for the right to a boys' night out.

[A] Jimmy: Any woman who keeps you from hanging out with your friends is a bad woman. It's natural for guys to hang out together. You have to do it, or else you become a woman.

[A] Adam: You have to get out of the habit of asking. I mean, you gotta tell 'em.

[A] Jimmy: You never ask, you announce.

[A] Adam: Here's the deal. You can't be cruel or mean, but you have to be firm. Women like that, whether they want to admit it or not. They like the guy who stands by his convictions. You can't start arguing and sniveling, because they'll see that as a weakness and then pounce on you. You have to be fair and you have to be firm. You can't go out five nights in a row, but you have to say, "Look, it's been almost 18 hours since I was drunk, I haven't shot any snooker in four and a half hours and the chili I spilled on my shirt is starting to dry." You tell them. If you start asking them, then you're fucked. But you don't yell it at them, you just tell them: This is what I'm doing.

[Q] Playboy: You guys talk big, but what's your secret fear of Oprah and Rosie?

[A] Jimmy: Our fear is not a personal fear; it's fear for the nation. It's a fear that there's a focal point for women, and it's a powerful one. Oprah has a lot of power. If Oprah said, "Ladies, enough is enough. It's time to start chopping off testicles," I guarantee you'd be hearing them hit the floor like gumballs all over the country. I hope to God she stays slim, because when she flips out like all these fat celebrities seem to flip out after a while--name one sane fat celebrity--we're all going to be in a world of trouble. There are always a couple picketers outside a nuclear plant. We're the picketers outside the Oprah and Rosie plants. We may seem nuts, but somebody has to focus on those two.

[A] Adam: We have to chain ourselves to something. Like Stedman's Mercedes.

[Q] Playboy: We're not saying GQ is run by gay guys, but don't you think inordinate attention to style runs counter to basic self-esteem issues?

[A] Adam: All those male magazines, the Men's Fitnesses and the GQs and all the ones where guys are Rollerblading with the six-pack stomach in the cycling shorts--it's all gay porn. That's all that is. Regular guys aren't interested in 15-minute abs. That's ridiculous. Wouldn't it be great to live in a world where we can ask a young man, "Do you know where your abs are?" and he just points to his ass?

[A] Jimmy: I don't buy clothing. I operate like a seven-year-old boy does with food. He doesn't go out to restaurants or the supermarket. I wear what is given to me. I wear what I get for Christmas and whatever free T-shirts I get along the way. Occasionally I get a couple pairs of jeans. The only item of clothing that's appropriate for a man to spend a great deal of time buying is sneakers. That's the only thing. I cannot go by a Foot Locker without stopping in.

[Q] Playboy: What don't women understand about the subtle cunning of male interior decorating?

[A] Adam: You mean the cinder blocks with the pine boards?

[A] Jimmy: What they don't understand is this: It doesn't matter how nice or how shitty anything is, you will eventually get used to it and not notice it at all. When I first came out to California, I thought, Wow, it's really beautiful here. It's so green. Now I walk outside and don't think twice about anything. We have five bedrooms in our house, and I live in one room. I share it with my cousin Sal. We got a computer in there. We got all our books and, you know, an eight-foot stand-up of Troy Aikman and some baseball cards scattered around. The room is filthy, but I don't notice it. You become acclimated. Women like to move furniture around. I could never imagine moving furniture except to make way for a bigger TV set.

[Q] Playboy: What natural sounds and smells occur in the male environment (concluded on page 150) Man Show (continued from page 128) and need no excuses?

[A] Jimmy: I fan a lot, and my wife never, ever farts. It's a weird thing because, you know, we eat a lot of the same stuff. Maybe there is some difference physiologically between men and women. But she gets crazy. She gets so mad when I'm just lying in bed farting, which is every night. She threatens that we're gonna have different rooms and all this stuff, and I just laugh harder. It just makes me laugh so hard that sometimes I get stomach pains from laughing. I can see how it's disgusting, but on the other hand, I have no plans to slow down.

[A] Adam: Its an interesting point you bring up, because women physiologically don't operate that much differently from men. They drink a certain amount of fluids, they urinate a certain amount, they defecate a certain amount, blood pumps at a certain rate--every thing's the same but the fart. I don't think farting gets culti vated in them at a young age.

A tip to women as far as the farting goes: If you don't want your guy to fart, do not make the mistake of laughing or even coming close to accepting it, because that's a big green light. That's all he needs. If the very fist time Jimmy farted in front of Gina, she said, "I can't believe you would show me that disregard. Don't ever do that again," and really spun out, it would have set a different tempo.

On the other hand, it's important for men to break wind early and often in a relationship and really let the women know where they stand.

[Q] Playboy: How can we disable the inbred female imperative to make projects out of their boyfriends and husbands?

[A] Jimmy: You can't disable it. The only thing you can do is fight it as much as possible. Occasionally they might have a good suggestion.

[A] Adam: Women's hobbies are guys. We got cars, we got model stuff, we got sports, we got hobbies; they don't, have hobbies. Their hobby is you. You look like a big fucking Erector set to them. That's what they see: some kit that's not finished. Interestingly, lesbians have hobbies because they don't have guys to work on. In lieu of busting a guy's balls all day, they go play a round of golf.

[Q] Playboy: Women on trampolines: They like it, we like it. Is it one of the intentions of your show to celebrate life's uncomplicated pleasures?

[A] Jimmy: Our show is about what is true and what isn't. It's no bullshit. I mean, Baywatch, VIP, these shows are T and A shows, but they pretend to have a plot in all that stuff. We are not pretending; we have girls jumping on trampolines. That's as honest as it gets. We like to watch girls on trampolines. We're not going to make them carry machine guns and pretend to be busting up some kind of drug run. We just want to look at the nipples.

[A] Adam: "The Pope's in town, Pamela, he's going to need protection. It's gonna be hot out there. We better wear something loose fitting." Just put her on the fucking trampoline.

[Q] Playboy: What are the only acceptable things to say when opening a gift from your girlfriend or wife?

[A] Jimmy: I'm always very honest and it pisses my wife off, but when you're married it's like it's your money and she's wasting it. My wife will get me gifts sometimes, and I look at them and I can't imagine who her husband is. For Valentine's Day my wife bought me this art deco digital clock at a flea market. I wanted to just throw it right into the garbage, because it is exactly the opposite of anything I might possibly want. It was ugly. I had no idea why she bought it for me. I said, "I hope that wasn't expensive." "It was kind of." "Can't take it back, can you?" "Nope, flea market." "All right, well, I guess we ought to hold on to it 'cause it cost money." But I haven't seen it since that day and I will never see it again.

[A] Adam: It's ironic: When your wife buys you a gift, she buys it with your money. She could buy you a Rolls-Royce, but you'd be pissed off because it means you bought yourself a Rolls. It's sort of like when they give you something from your pet or from your five-year-old. The kid didn't go buy it and the cat didn't go buy it. You bought it and it got recycled through them. It's like money laundering.

[Q] Playboy: Describe a perfect day off for a man.

[A] Jimmy: I like being in the house alone because I can masturbate in rooms I'm not normally allowed in. It's really great when you live with people. I would not want to live alone; I'd get stir-crazy after a while. But when you live with a family and then have the whole house to yourself, it's like when the dog gets out. It's running and sniffing everything and leaving its scent.

[A] Adam: Yeah, you can pee in the sink, run around in your underpants. And when you cook, you take the time to fix something weird, like waffles, or something messy.

adam carolla and jimmy kimmel want to establish themselves as the anti-oprahs. their show is funny, sophomoric and offensive to women. what's not to love?

Lesbians have hobbies because they don't have guys to work on. In lieu of busting a guy's balls, they golf.