Matthew Perry

the smartass friend cracks wise about his sitcom, the tabloids and his hair

For six seasons, Matthew Perry, an actor with two first names, has starred on Friends as Chandler Bing, who also has two first names. Currently, Perry can be seen on the big screen with Dylan McDermott, Oliver Platt and fellow Canadian Neve Campbell in the comedy Three to Tango. Contributing Editor David Rensin talked with Perry one week before the actor left for Canada to start filming The Whole Nine Yards, a hit-man comedy co-starring Bruce Willis. Says Rensin of their meeting: "Ten minutes after we started talking in the lounge of a trendy Sunset Strip hotel, a bellhop appeared at the table with the message that Mr. Perry had called from his car to say he'd be late. Perry just smiled and said, 'Thanks. No problem. We'll wait,' and returned to our conversation. The guy may play neurotic on TV, but in fact he's charmingly unflappable and the soul of cool self-possession."

[A] Perry: So, what would you like to talk about today?

[Q] Playboy: The magazine is hoping you'll be a smart and funny guy.

[A] Perry: Yes, and so far you've been funnier. [Pauses] I'm all confused now.

[Q] Playboy: Speaking of confusion, why is your new movie called Three to Tango when there's no dancing and you play an architect?

[A] Perry: Did you like it?

[Q] Playboy: Yes

[A] Perry: Are you the reviewer?

[Q] Playboy: No.

[A] Perry: Too bad. There is no dancing involved, but I was drawn to it for other reasons. It seemed very much like The Apartment meets Tootsie. In Tootsie, Dustin Hoffman says something to Jessica Lange like, "I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man." To me that meant he was able to drop all his stupid male stuff and really get to know a girl, in stead of just trying to sleep with her. In Three to Tango everybody is convinced my character is gay, including Neve Campbell's character, even though she and I are falling in love. So same thing. We get to be friends first, which is different for my character. Before that, he would meet a pretty woman and start tap-dancing to impress her. Like I've done in the past.

[Q] Playboy: Describe the routine.

[A] Perry: I'd put on this facade of a Prince Charming and act like, "Babe, you've finally found your guy." Then it just got too tiring. I could never make it past three months.

[Q] Playboy: What's changed?

[A] Perry: Instead of waiting for the next opportunity to say something to impress, I'm a better listener.

[Q] Playboy: Right. No one is born with a manual on relationships.

[A] Perry: I was, and it was very painful for my mother. Part of my problem is that I don't actually have the manual because it's still being cleaned.

[Q] Playboy: Let's talk about the modern romantic comedy. What's right? What's wrong? What's missing? What standard should all romantic comedies be held to?

[A] Perry: Which question should I answer first? Here's the thing that bores me: when a romantic comedy is simply boy meets girl, boy has problems with girl, zaniness ensues and at the end the boy gets the girl. I love romantic comedies, both watching them and being in them. To me the ideal is Splash. Boy meets girl, girl is a mermaid. A great moment is when Tom Hanks says to John Candy, "I finally met the woman I thought I could marry, that I could fall in love with. And she's a fish." I also like While You Were Sleeping, because the woman falls in love with a guy who's in a coma. Pretty Woman is a great romantic comedy--a rich guy falls in love with a great-looking prostitute.

[Q] Playboy: It was so real.

[A] Perry: Yeah, just like the total fantasy of some studio executive.

[Q] Playboy: Haven't you written your own romantic comedy?

[A] Perry: Yes--and who knows if it's ever going to get made. It's about a guy who falls in love with the adult version of the imaginary friend he had when he was eight. He's about to marry somebody, and the imaginary friend, who's grown up now, comes back.

[Q] Playboy: Do prepubescent boys usually have a girl as an imaginary friend?

[A] Perry: I don't know, but I didn't want it to be a gay movie.

[Q] Playboy: Did you have an imaginary friend?

[A] Perry: No. But our research indicates that one out of six kids does.

[Q] Playboy: Let's talk about your real friends on Friends.

[A] Perry: The answer to the question most often asked, about our being friends in real life, is yes. We all get along really well.

[Q] Playboy: If you could play any of the other roles, which would it be?

[A] Perry: Any of the women's, just so I could stay at home and play with my breasts all day.

[Q] Playboy: Whose would be the most fun to play with?

[A] Perry: Now, now. I'd most like to play Phoebe, because it seems like the part of her brain that keeps her from saying exactly what she thinks was surgically removed. I love that. You never know what's going to come out of her mouth. Come to think of it, that's also why Joey would be fun. Playing off-the-chart stupid is attractive.

[Q] Playboy: If you could transpose the cast to a different show, where would they end up?

[A] Perry: What an odd question.

[Q] Playboy: It's a mental exercise. Remember, you're the smart one.

[A] Perry: I guess maybe ER. Both shows hit so huge at the same time that all our lives changed. And we'd get to play out dramatic scenes.

[Q] Playboy: Who would play whom?

[A] Perry: I sense you're going to get me in trouble. I guess Schwimmer would be the Anthony Edwards guy. I would probably be the Noah Wyle guy. Matty would be the patient they have each week who really doesn't understand what happened to him. He'd be the amnesia guy. And the three of us would all argue that we were George Clooney. ER's girls keep changing, so ours would rotate each season.

[Q] Playboy: How do you handle the fact that Chandler's hairstyle was never as culturally influential as Rachel's?

[A] Perry: Wait a sec. You're talking to TV Guide's "second best hair on television" guy, so you might want to watch what you're saying. That was a drag for Jennifer. It wasn't like, "I'm getting all this attention and I'm going to pretend it's a drag." It was actually a drag. I could see it in her face. She did not want to be known for the haircut. So at no point was I jealous of that. We all just want to look as good as we can. If you go back to the first few episodes of the show, my hair looks like Charlotte Rampling's in Stardust Memories Things have only gotten better.

[Q] Playboy: What are your personal hair issues?

[A] Perry: I've become kind of hair obsessed recently. It doesn't show today because I'm a little under the weather. I didn't put both products in.

[Q] Playboy: What products?

[A] Perry: It's a wax kind of thing. If I could remember the name, maybe the company would send me free stuff, but I can't. It looks like a hockey puck. You put wax in it and spike your hair. I spend a good five, ten minutes on it every day.

[Q] Playboy: And how often do you wash your hair?

[A] Perry: Not as often as I should, because of the wax. Maybe twice a week.

[Q] Playboy: And the rest of the time you use a shower cap?

[A] Perry: No. I get the hair wet, I just don't use shampoo.

[Q] Playboy: So the water just beads up on the wax, like on a car?

[A] Perry: I dry it off. You know, this is a fascinating interview.

[Q] Playboy: Stop me if you've been asked (continued on page 158)Matthew Perry(continued from page 110) these questions before

[A] Perry: Not that one.

[Q] Playboy: Imagine you're a superhero. Which one would you be?

[A] Perry: I think about that all the time. It's a close race between Superman and the Invisible Man. The invisible theory is neat because I could sneak into the YWCA and see women naked whenever I want. But I have to go with Superman because he's strong and can fly. The problem with being the Invisible Man is that I'd probably end up with knowledge I shouldn't have, like what people close to me say about me when I'm not around.

[Q] Playboy: What naked women say about you when you're not around?

[A] Perry: No. Those are separate issues. I also wouldn't want to know any government secrets. My head would probably explode. Maybe the ideal thing is to be Wonder Woman's airplane, because then you have both flight and invisibility. I'm glad this came up.

[Q] Playboy: What are you still trying to figure out about women?

[A] Perry: As much as I can. We are different species. The main thing I'm trying to do is find a woman--and if you know one or a place where they go, help me out--who is beautiful and funny, and not crazy. Believe it or not, that's a tough combination to find.

[Q] Playboy: Are you willing to travel out of state?

[A] Perry: I might have to. I can't tell you how many times I've thought, Wow, I found it! And then, Oops!

[Q] Playboy: How long is it from "wow" to "oops"? A few weeks? Months?

[A] Perry: Sometimes an hour.

[Q] Playboy: Does this have anything to do with the fact that women recognize you?

[A] Perry: I don't know. I've never gone out with somebody who went gaga over my being on television. But there's a weird dynamic when two people in the public eye date. They already know each other--or think they do. That makes dating confusing. For instance, if I wanted to go out with, uh, Cameron Diaz, and she with me, we could walk up to each other and say hello like we know each other, just because we're both in the public eye. Then, when we started to date, it would be strange because we really don't know each other.

[Q] Playboy: Which of the notable women you've dated has had the best attitude toward the tabloids that dogged you?

[A] Perry: Julia Roberts. She had to have a really good attitude because she was and still is the queen of tabloid attention. I was getting my first dose of it, and she sat me down and explained everything. She said, "Let it go. It's just about bad people trying to make money. They'll pay in some way later in life for this kind of behavior." At the time she was on Hard Copy every minute. There were even helicopters flying around my house, and people standing around outside. I thought for a second, Wow, I've really made it, because I know what it's like to hate the paparazzi! Of course, as soon as we broke up, they all packed their stuff and left. [Laughs] Went over to the next guy's house, I guess.

[Q] Playboy: Now, whenever you hear a helicopter, do you get a little pang?

[A] Perry: I don't miss it at all.

[Q] Playboy: What nicknames do you and Matt LeBlanc have for each other to avoid confusion on the set?

[A] Perry: We both call each other Matty. We also call each other some of the sickest, most disgusting and demeaning names, which probably aren't suitable for a family magazine. Like Slamhole. But we do it in an endearing fashion. We're close. When we're not working, I spend most of my time in his dressing room, hanging out.

[Q] Playboy: Does he have cool stuff on the dressing table?

[A] Perry: It's a video game situation. I have PlayStation and Matty has Nintendo.

[Q] Playboy: What's your present addiction?

[A] Perry: For the past four years it's been the same game: MarioKart. Schwimmer's probably the best at it, which is really annoying.

[Q] Playboy: Courteney Cox worked with Neve Campbell on Scream. What did she tell you about Neve that helped or hindered you during Three to Tango?

[A] Perry: Courteney thought Neve was more serious than she actually is. She has a kooky sensibility, like I do. We'd do stupid little dances and say ridiculous stuff to crack each other up. By the way, she's a great dancer. I'm a spazzy dancer. When I'm forced to dance I act like amoron. Since I can't dance I emphasize it. I figure if I just joke around and act like a spaz they won't realize how terrible I am. It's a white guy dance [demonstrates]

[Q] Playboy: You are truly terrible.

[A] Perry: Oh, it's off the chart. If you want me to do that for you again at any point during the interview, let me know.

[Q] Playboy: What else about you would people be surprised to know?

[A] Perry: I share a birthday with Bill Clinton. And I just bought a house on Clinton Street.

[Q] Playboy: Would you please tell us everything you know about Commodore Matthew Perry?

[A] Perry: He was an admiral, wasn't he? Matthew C. Perry. He lived a long, long time ago. I think he discovered something. But in high school I got a kick out of somebody famous having my name.

[Q] Playboy: When was the last time you were confused with Luke Perry?

[A] Perry: Three days ago. I was in Las Vegas and a group of girls came up to me and said, "It's Luke Perry." It's happened a lot. They quickly realize I'm not and then get much more excited when they realize it's me. I know him; he's a good guy.

[Q] Playboy: Can you name five Perrys?

[A] Perry: Gaylord Perry, Fred Perry, Luke Perry, John Bennett Perry. Can I go the other way? Perry Como, Perry Mason.

[Q] Playboy: Chandler Bing. Doesn't the name seem backward?

[A] Perry: I suppose so, yeah. They gave me a last name about five episodes in and I was bummed about it. As a matter of fact, at the first read-through I was introducing someone and I said, "My name is Chandler Bing" and then I said, "I'm sorry about my last name." It's just so goofy. I think Chandler is a cool name. But to offset it with Bing? What's that?

[Q] Playboy: Guys with two first names: Special? Anxious in a crowd?

[A] Perry: I don't have it so bad. I went to camp once with a guy named Matthew Matthews, and all anyone could say was, "Are your parents fucking stupid?" There was a goalie named Pete Peters. When he played in the Ontario Hockey League, where I'm from, the team was the Peterborough Petes. So, Pete Peters played for the Peterborough Petes.

[Q] Playboy: Can you say that three times fast?

[A] Perry: I think I can, but I'm not your puppet.

[Q] Playboy: Your mom was press secretary for Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. Did she have to keep anything out of the papers that you can tell us about now?

[A] Perry: No, because everything ultimately got into the papers. My mother is such a smart career woman. I don't think she got enough credit. She was a single mother and the press secretary for the prime minister of Canada simultaneously, and she did a great job at both. Anything that got in the papers at the time, all that stupid stuff, she was very good at keeping away from me.

[Q] Playboy: What's the best advice your mom ever gave you about being a public figure?

[A] Perry: In the beginning she said, "Remember who your friends are now and keep them. And remember your family." I still hang with that core group of guys.

[Q] Playboy: As a star you have an assistant. What does she do that you can't or won't do for yourself? For those who will one day need an aide, do you have any tips about what to look for?

[A] Perry: My assistant has the greatest gig in the world because I rarely use her. Some people set up a vigorous routine. I'm not like that. My assistant puts flowers in my house for me. She takes care of the dry cleaning. she brings me food. And she's available when I say something like, "Go get me this Shawn Colvin album." The truth is that an assistant is somebody who does the shit work for you. It's tough for me to go shopping or to the supermarket. The last time I tried, somebody filmed what I bought. I was in a 7-Eleven getting bread, and this guy rushed in with a camera and filmed it. I'm not sure I can offer hiring advice because people use their assistants in different ways. Courteney is on the Phone with her assistant 20 times a day. I can go a week without speaking with mine. Just get a smart one. A nice one.

[Q] Playboy: A beautiful one?

[A] Perry: Mine is very attractive, but I',m not sure that would be the smartest way to go.

[Q] Playboy: Meaning you don't want to marry the babysitter.

[A] Perry: Robin Williams did that, didn't he?

[Q] Playboy: Rate your household skills. What are you good at?

[A] Perry: I Can make an awesome grilled cheese sandwich.

[Q] Playboy: Ironing?

[A] Perry: Oh no. As a matter of fact, I don't know how to do my laundry. [Holds head in hands] I don't know how to do it.

[Q] Playboy: What's the problem: colors and whites?

[A] Perry: I understand that, but what if you have a shirt that has color and white? At that point, I don't want to play anymore.

[Q] Playboy: How about plumbing? Electric?

[A] Perry: Quite bad. I can do the Heimlich maneuver. If you'd like me to do it on you later, I will.

[Q] Playboy: Back when you could go shopping, how good were you at picking fruits and vegetables?

[A] Perry: I like watermelon. They're not that difficult to pick out. Different kinds of cereals, that's fun. Frosted Flakes. Apple Jacks. I think I have Frosted Flakes and Apple Jacks in my house right now.

[Q] Playboy: When did you last write someone a poem, and would you be able to recite for us?

[A] Perry: It was a joke. I wrote it to my friend Hank two years ago, on his birthday. "Roses are red/Violets are blue/The summer is sweet/You couldn't be older." I've never written a serious love poem; I just send something from Pablo Neruda.

[Q] Playboy: Does love on location count?

[A] Perry: It's like a game. A movie set is like being away at college for three months. It's weird. But I don't negate it. Two people can meet and fall in love there, but they should probably acknowledge that it would be stupid to do anything about it right away and should wait until the movie's done. If they still want to do it when they're back home, go ahead.

[Q] Playboy: What do you do to put your onscreen lovers at ease?

[A] Perry: I talk to them about it. I say, "So, we've got a kiss tomorrow. You tell me what to do." But the reaction is always, "What are you talking about?" I say, "Well, do we want to do this real?" They've all said, "Of course we should be real." And now, in my next film, The Whole Nine Yards, I have my first actual love scene.

[Q] Playboy: With Bruce Willis?

[A] Perry: No. With Natasha Henstridge. They're paying me to do that. I hope tentacles don't come out of her back. I just saw Species. How bummed would you be? You bring her home, she takes off her clothes, you kiss--and then she turns into a fucking monster who eats you! [Pauses] Come to think of it, that sounds like a lot of dates.

[Q] Playboy: What do you still lie to yourself about?

[A] Perry: I think I'm a better athlete than I am.

[Q] Playboy: In the middle of work do you ever start to think, I should have stayed with tennis?

[A] Perry: It wasn't a personal choice to stop playing. I simply wasn't good enough. I could beat anybody at any tennis club, but I was getting killed by the people who did it professionally. I spent ten hours a day playing it as a kid and it was the most important thing in my life. And then I got burned out. I'd get physically ill driving by a tennis court.

[Q] Playboy: What's your game personality? Rush the net?

[A] Perry: No. A baseline player with a horrible temper. But an excellent doubles player. I might have had a shot with doubles if I had kept going.

[Q] Playboy: What's your favorite pastime?

[A] Perry: Frisbee golf. I play with my buddies almost every day, like it's going out of style. There are real courses and you use different types of Frisbees. Some go to the right and some go to the left, and there's a putter.

[Q] Playboy: You'll be 30 when this interview comes out. What do you fear or hope for in the next ten years?

[A] Perry: I hope I have learned the lessons of the past ten years. I've finally realized that your 20s are supposed to be a blur; that's when you make all the mistakes. I'm upset that I'll be officially too old to play professional sports. When I was 24, if I had decided to give up everything and play baseball, I might have had a shot. Now there's no way. [Pauses] I used to be convinced that by the time I was 30 my ducks would all be in order. I'd be married and have a kid and a house. At least I have the house.

[Q] Playboy: Complete this sentence: With friends like these----

[A] Perry: No man is poor.

["I'm a Spazzy Dancer. If I'm forced to dance, I act like a Moron."]