From the XXX Files, Office of the Senior Security Advisor, Morality Police. Classified. "Mini-Hef's origins are shrouded in mystery. Various theories attribute his rise to one of many potential factors--errant protozoa fermenting in the spindrift of the Grotto, perhaps, or a poorly timed sneeze during sex, or even a vacuum pump explosion. However, there is no doubt that this shadowy figure served as the inspiration for the character Mini-Me in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Fact: During the past few years, sightings of Mini-Hef have gone way up. (It is no coincidence that Viagra arrived on the scene at the same time.) His existence has been increasingly difficult to conceal. It's obvious he took on the role of a violent psychopath and masqueraded in public as one Verne Troyer, movie star, to throw off the scent. But it's clear he is the randy sensualist who has been wreaking havoc with the morals of America for more than four decades--and we have the pictures to prove it." In effect, this portfolio is everything Playboy stands tall for.
Mini-Hef's first confirmed encounter occurs on June 21, 1962. Agent Honey Labia, posing as Miss December, reports hearing strange "snuffling and garumphing noises" in the dark while sleeping in the Chicago Mansion dorm. She is also alarmed by an alien, rhythmic knocking. Flicking on the lights, Agent Labia interrogates a dazed Playmate M_____, who describes Mini-Hef as "larger" than she expected. "A foot at least," M_____ mutters happily before passing into a tranquil, nonfatal trance.
By the Sixties, many Americans believe Mini-Hef runs the whole Playboy operation. Chain-smoking Mike Wallace had leveled this charge during a TV interview but Hugh Hefner says his philosophy comes from his own--highly rational--mind. Years later, Mini-Hef stages his most daring display yet. He runs rampant at a 1979 Playmate reunion. A record of his high jinks apparently exists in a black book in Mr. Hefner's bedroom. Chief among his misdeeds? Convincing Big Hef to get up on a pair of roller skates.
Turmoil reigns in the late Eighties. James Caan threatens to cut off Mini-Hef, then storms out of the Mansion. Shortly after, Hugh Hefner marries. Odd. Then come the Nineties, and all proportion is last. Mini-Hef and Playboy fever sweep the nation on the eve of the millennium. If these preparty party pictures of Mini-Hef--parading in the boss' Pls chopped off at the knees--are any indication, hedonism will be the theme for New Year's Eve. The conclusion: Mini-Hef has made short work of those who oppose him.
