Playboy 1000

Entertainment for Men

From the Vatican Archives

January 1000

gala millennium issue

guinevere nude

Ribald classics: dirty stories from the Latin and Greek

Armor--

Unsafe at any speede

Staying your

Outer dragons

Playboy picks: the Vikings

Contents

Fashion--

say no to scratchy wool the new spring collection From milano

drink--

mulled mead! a honey of an idea

Foode--

making the perfect porridge

musicke--

after chants, what? the new polyphony--progress or just plain noise?

travel--

holy land hot spots--Òooke early

grooming--

eeewww! what's that smell? time to go to òach!

the playboy stable--

From the off-Road champ clydesdale to the sporty, fast-as-quicksilver arabian, here are the new models of hayòurners

squires are talking about--

arabic numerals--better than Roman numerals? It just adds up. plus, it's an easier way to keep track of popes and kings

gadgets--

chain mail--not Really chain, not Really mail, but crusaders swear by it

the church's war on sex--

part lxxxvii

pigskin preview--

Fashion Forecast

the hair shirt--

time to hang it uppe?

Playboy Advisor

I wouldst have a coate of arms designed for myself and my descendants. Couldst ye suggest a really sharp motto to inscribe thereon?--B.F.D., Fly-on-Bunion

"'tis not so much the motto itselfe but how it looks in latin that truly maketh the coate of arms a babe magnet." Since most folks be illiterate, op cit, ibidem is as good as vini, vidi, vici. But avoid ad nauseam.

What is this new thing from France called a dinner forke?--B.M., Half-Bath

It is a new device to keep the mutton grease off the fingeRs when eating. it takes a little pRactice--punctured lips aRe the biggest problems. Like most things fRom fRance, it sounds more interesting than it is.

Before a recent journey, I did fit my goode wife with a chastity belt, but upon returning, I do find my key is lost! Could you tell me how I might pick the lock?--M.T., Taliashire

If 'tis an english belt, insert and turn hobnail round until two clicks are heard and then twist back. If a french belt, a mere tap of your finger will open it. Obviously, no such belt is totally secure, so to protect thy wife's chastity, we recommend not the belt but the club. And if that shall fail, the sword.

It be my fondest desire that my ladye of the house apply her dear mouthe to my Lancelot, but the very notion doth twiste her face and make her to cry out, "Ick!" what canst i say to her that she might agree to polish my Bedpost?--B.J., Boarscrotum

So many men have posed this question that we have compiled a list of the most popular entreaties:

"how badly wouldst thee like that new butteR chuRn?"

"a single swallow, say the druids, be a fortnight's protection against demons and spells."

"never mind, ye couldst probably do it ne'er so well as did your faire sister."

Playboy Interview:

Olaf Trygvesson

In 991 he was juste another marauding viking chieftain. But in 994, he experienced a religious conversion. Now he lays claim to the throne of norway. What maketh this born-for-the-first-time christian tick? we sent our correspondent to record these words:

"Before I was baptized, my attitude towaRd england was, four ass be mine. also your ox, your cow, your sheep and your goat.' since then i've chilled out. It's a norse thing.

"Leif eriksson and i flipped a coin. the winner got england, the loser had to find his own island to conquer. I won. poor bastard, he'll be forgotten in a year, whilst my name lives on in history bookes. there are history bookes, Right?"

Partye Jokes

Q: why did the chicken cRoss the Road?

a: to Flee the pox.

Two young wenches walk into a crowded pub, without the company of squires, and order a flagon of mead. "and where might your husbandes be?" inquires the publican. "we be free white englishwomen and in need of no husbandes, thank you all the same," they replied. well, bless me if the lads at the bar didn't seize them and put them to trial by ordeal and then burn them as witches.

Playboy Classic Punch Line:

"Wait a minute. you said put her in the ducking stool? I thought ye said. . . ."