Porn-O-Rama!

The moment Playboy told me I could tackle any subject for its millennium issue, I immediately chose pornography. Now, you may assume that I picked pornography because I believe Playboy is pornography. Far from it. Playboy is erotica.

Indeed, if Playboy were pornography, Hugh Hefner would be a pornographer, which he most definitely is not. Hugh Hefner is a sensualist. Larry Flynt is a pornographer. And when I say that, I don't necessarily mean it as a pejorative. (Although I have to admit feeling a little uncomfortable when Flynt and I were on the same side during the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal. So I did some research, and it turns out that Larry Flynt has done some positive things. For example, thanks to Flynt, every sex shop in California is required to have a wheelchair access ramp.)

Now you may be asking: What exactly is the difference between erotic (Playboy) and pornographic (Hustler, Big Butt, Barely Legal)? Thanks to research at the Institute for Pornographic Studies in Northridge, California, scientific techniques have been applied to the study of pornography so that such distinctions can be drawn on a totally quantifiable basis.

For example, in addition to pictures of lovely young nude women in various come-hither poses, Playboy offers humor, helpful lifestyle information and journalism (such as this piece). While Hustler also provides these alternatives to mere pulchritude, it is the balance as measured by researchers at IPS that makes Playboy erotica and Hustler pornography.

(concluded on page 200) Pom-O-Rama!(continued from page 134)

According to the IPS, the average Playboy reader spends just 43 percent of his time with each issue masturbating. At Hustler, that figure is 81 percent. Of course, this applies only to Playboy the magazine. The IPS estimates that nearly 98 percent of an average viewer's time while watching Playboy TV is spent masturbating.

Playboy TV is available only because of the technology that gave us cable television. Since the advent of cable, an ever-accelerating technological revolution has given us an explosion of opportunities to enjoy pornography in our own homes.

I'm talking, of course, about the Internet, which is a terrific learning tool. For example, a couple years ago, when he was 12, my son used the Internet for a sixth grade report on bestiality. Joe was able to download some effective visual aids, which the other students in his class just loved. See, at that age the kids are sponges!

If anything, this technological revolution will accelerate exponentially in the future, which is why this next millennium will be such an exciting time for pornographers and for us, the consumers of pornography. Of course, predicting the future is no easy task, which is why I traveled to Northridge to talk with futurists at the IPS.

I was escorted through the modest single-story cinder block think tank by IPS senior fellow Dr. Julie DeVine, a futurist trained at MIT, the Minnesota Institute of Titology, which has a controversial doctoral program.

As Dr. DeVine led me to the Future wing of the institute, I couldn't help but notice that she is an extremely attractive blonde with a tight, round ass, legs that won't quit and firm but ample breasts. So ample, in fact, that she received a full scholarship from MIT.

At first I thought it was my imagination, but when Dr. DeVine escorted me into the virtual reality room, she seemed to be coming on to me. She allowed her bodacious breasts to brush against my face as she lowered me into the prototype of the Virtu-Screw 2000. "How does that feel?" she cooed. I didn't know if she was referring to the Naugahyde bucket seat or to the two erect nipples pushing through her white lab coat and nearly poking my eyes out.

Then Dr. DeVine placed the Virtu-Screw helmet over my head. Sitting in the pitch dark. I felt slightly vulnerable but also excited. She asked me which setting I wanted. Since I've been married 23 years, I naturally chose "blow job." My chair abruptly tilted backward, and I "felt" my pants being unzipped. If I hadn't known I was sitting in the most state-of-the-art virtual reality sex machine, I would have sworn that a real woman's hand had pulled my cock from my pants.

My nervousness disappeared, and I sat back and enjoyed the amazingly realistic cyber job. It was every bit as good as the last real blow job I had gotten 23 years earlier--if not better--because when I shot my wad, the virtual mouth swallowed.

After Dr. DeVine took off my helmet, she said she was parched and suggested we get something to drink in the institute's lunchroom, where we could discuss the societal implications of virtual reality sex. We agreed that some of the kinks had to be worked out, such as being able to select your own setting while you have the helmet on. Dr. DeVine said that eventually the technology would enable men to see their "partner" or "partners" and, further, choose her or them. For example, a guy could do a threesome with Carmen Electra and Jennifer Lopez.

When I expressed a concern that, once perfected, VRS could become extremely addictive, Dr. DeVine's beautiful face darkened noticeably. She said she feels like Robert Oppenheimer must have felt working on the first atomic bomb. While VRS could be a godsend to millions of unattractive and socially awkward men, she worries that many, if not most, will want to spend all their time with their Virtu-Screws instead of going to work, playing with their children or doing volunteer work for their communities.

Virtual reality sex, Dr. DeVine fears, will become the crack cocaine of the 21st century. Why then was she contributing to the VRS project? She explained that if the U.S. didn't develop the technology first, someone else would, and she shuddered just thinking of VRS in the hands of the Chinese.

I found myself extremely attracted to the vulnerable side of this sexy scientist, and when I offered to comfort her, she accepted, kissing me full on the lips and inserting her tongue into my mouth and moving it around suggestively. Then she reached down and started rubbing my crotch, and within just five or ten minutes my cock was again hard and ready for action.

That's when Dr. DeVine took my hand in her other hand, and said, "If you think VRS is the future, wait until you see this."

While still rubbing my crotch, Dr. DeVine led me through the Future wing to the Sexbot room. Once inside I was surprised to see a vinyl blowup doll wearing crotchless panties. Dr. DeVine explained that the blow-up doll was the prototype for the Sexbot, and scientists at the IPS keep her around to remind themselves just how far they have come and how far they have to go.

And indeed they do have a long way to go. The most current Sexbot prototype, Connie, while quite attractive, has moving parts made of plastic and metal alloys and is considered quite dangerous. In fact, as a futurist. Dr. De-Vine believes that the first Sexbots to hit the market will result in class-action suits filed by severely injured men.

That's why Dr. DeVine urged me to forgo Connie and introduced me to Wilhelmina, a beautiful young German-born researcher who, while human, more closely approximates the Sexbot of the 22nd century. Wilhelmina escorted me to a private room with a bed and removed her clothes. If this is what Sexbots will look like a hundred years from now, I envy my great-great-grandsons. We made passionate love for two or three minutes before being joined by Dr. DeVine, who wanted to make the point that Sexbots will be used for threesomes.

I could describe the incredible sex the three of us had, but this is a piece of journalism about the future of pornography and not one of those cheesy letters from a horny reader. Suffice it to say that everyone came several times, except me, who came only once.

As Dr. DeVine escorted me to the parking lot, I realized that we had really only covered the first two centuries of the next millennium. Dr. DeVine said that while it is difficult to foresee beyond 200 years, most futurists believe that the existence of intelligent life from another planet will be discovered sometime in the 23rd century.

Dr. DeVine explained that because of space-time limitations, which frankly I don't understand, actual contact with these creatures from another galaxy will not occur for another 400 years or so. In the meantime almost all pornography will involve fantasies of human-alien fornication.

That takes us to the 27th century, when actual human-alien coupling will take place. By the 28th century most of mankind will be wiped out by an amazingly virulent strain of venereal disease carried by the aliens. As a result, the surviving human race will become puritanical and will shun pornography for the rest of the millennium.

As I thanked Dr. DeVine, she again rubbed my crotch and asked me to tell readers that tours of the institute are available for $500.