Rules For The Perfect Relationship

Way back when, in your dad's time, a man knew what was expected of him. The rules were simple: You played fair and paid your debts. You were nice to girls. Trouble looked like a German panzer division creeping over the rise, or Marilyn Monroe slinking through the front door.

Today things are more complicated in both love and war. Whether it's battles in the Balkans or disputes in the bedroom, you can safely expect tons of dialogue but nary a hope for lasting peace. It's like trying to solve problems with smart bombs and no ground war.

It's not a man's world anymore. You've got women's magazines doping us out as an endlessly fascinating rehab project. Recent cover lines: Sneaky Ways you can Break Down All His Love Barriers and the Male Mind Explained. You've got countless psychologists saying men need major retooling to be of any use as mates. And you've got Adam Sandler, who seems to prove their point.

You can't blame women for this sorry state of affairs. It's our own damn fault. We've bought into the pop cultural view that men are inept. As Garrison Keillor wrote in The Book of Guys, "They are trying to be Mr. OK. All-Rite, the man who can bake a cherry pie, go play basketball, come home, make melon balls and whip up a great soufflé, converse easily about intimate matters, participate in recreational weeping, laugh, hug, be vulnerable, be passionate in a skillful way, and the next day go off and lift them bales into that barge and tote it. A guy who women consider Acceptable. Being all-rite is a dismal way to spend your life, and guys are not equipped for it anyway."

We heartily concur. There's no profit in perfection. Don't we have enough to worry about trying to keep up with spiraling demands, information overload, the oeuvre of Jackie Chan? When it comes time to consider the challenges of love and marriage, a man's best bet is to go with his instincts and keep things simple. It is in this spirit that we offer Playboy's seven rules for the perfect relationship-- and why you should break every one.

Rule One: Never go to bed Angry

Don't let things fester is the logic here. You should attack all disputes as they arise, not sweep them under the rug of your subconscious. Let's say you and your gal have been out at an office party and she reveals on the way home that in (continued on page 140) Relationship (continued from page 130)her opinion, you devoted a little too much time to Ms. Jennings, that longlegged beauty from accounting. You're tired and don't really want to talk about it. But she's bright-eyed and accusing, and she wants to work this out. Tonight. According to the rule, you should splash your face with cold water and patiently listen to the catalog of your transgressions. Failing to address the matter at hand will create a small rift in your relationship. Further problems will turn the minor rift into a major rent. And who's going to pay that rent? You are, bub. Or else one day she'll be packed and standing on the corner, waiting for a cab.

What's wrong with the rule

Problems can't be solved unless both parties are in the mood to solve them. If you're not ready to talk, chances are the talking won't be productive anyway. Plus, you're distracted by thoughts of your 7:13 tee time. "In the middle of the night, who has the necessary clearheadedness to navigate an important and intensely felt issue?" says marriage therapist Robert Beck of the Baylor College of Medicine. "Couples who believe that an all-nighter of struggling over some unfinished business will lead to a satisfactory outcome are likely to end up disappointed."

Common sense and experience support Beck's thinking. "There's a point at which you have to say, 'Argument over for the night. We can pick this thing up in the morning,'" says James, 24, a Washington-based reporter who's been happily living with his girlfriend for two years. "In my experience, when you wake up in the morning, you have a clearer perspective on whatever was pissing you off."

"It's OK to go to bed angry, as long as you don't try to duck the problem altogether," says Marty Klein, a California sex therapist who runs the website www.sexed.org. What you should do if you're not in the mood to talk: Call for a time-out. Make a promise to reconvene and address the issue the next morning--or within two days at the outside.

Then get some sleep.

Rule two: Got a Problem? Open your mouth and say "I"

For years now, therapists have been preaching a technique called active listening. The idea is to resolve conflicts using "I" statements. "I" statements are empathetic ("I feel your pain"). "You" statements are accusing ("You dirty rat").

Let's say you stayed out all night with your buddies and your mate was upset about it. If you were in counseling together, she'd be encouraged to go home and tell you, "I felt abandoned when you stayed out all night shooting dice." This is less confrontational than what she's undoubtedly thinking: You worthless slimeball.

"I" statements are so entrenched in our culture that today you can use the all-purpose "I hear you" to painlessly prop up just about any conversation-- whether it's an old college buddy ranting about the depletion of the ozone layer or your boss complaining about the destruction of your work zone.

What's wrong with the rule

It was Sixties psychologist Carl Rogers who devised this communication system for use in therapy. If a patient says, for example, "I hate my wife. She's such a nagging bitch," the therapist will reflect nonjudgmental empathy by saying, "I hear you saying that your wife nags you and you hate that." The idea is to create an environment in which the patient feels safe expressing his inner thoughts but doesn't hide behind a wall of blame.

Since marriage is also a relationship in which each partner should feel safe, it seems like a good idea to preach this kind of unconditional acceptance and understanding for use at home.

There's one small problem.

"It doesn't work," says psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld, author of The New Male Sexuality. "When you're angry, the rules go right out the window."

Let's say she starts in with, "You're a cheating piece of shit, an ignorant little asshole and a lousy lay." What are you supposed to do, not take it personally? "Honey, I hear you saying you have issues with my fidelity and intelligence and that you'd like us to put more energy into our sex life."

In a relationship between two human beings, there are going to be some rough spots. If things are going badly and she's hurling insults at you, what you really want to do is break the pattern of the argument and try to cool things down. "A genuine apology isn't a bad idea," says Zilbergeld. "If you left her standing in the rain for two hours, it costs you very little to tell her you're sorry."

It's not the words you use but what your intentions are. If she says something that really pisses you off, ask for a time-out to keep things from getting out of hand. Take the dog for a walk or something. Tell her you need 30 minutes to think things through. Just be damn sure to return when you said you would.

Rule three: you Need to Iron out all your differences

What used to be thought of as problems--arguments about finances, the in-laws, sex--have become "issues." "We've got issues with money," a couple might say these days to explain their differences. At one time, the simpler "we're broke" sufficed.

Underlying this semantic shift is the belief that all conflicts in relationships can be solved. If she's sloppy and he's neat and it drives him nuts, this difference becomes a project for both to work on. If he's trying to squirrel away their hard-earned cash for a rainy day and she has a tattoo that reads Born To Shop, they're led to believe they have a future together only if they keep working on it and talking it out.

What's wrong with the rule

"Most problems in relationships simply cannot be solved," says Zilbergeld. "The conflicts that come up between couples tend to be deeply rooted in upbringing and personality."

That's not a bad thing. It's just a fact. If she's a morning person and you're a night owl, chances are you'll argue about why she doesn't have the stamina to hit the clubs with you for the duration of your relationship. Psychologist Dan Wile says it best in his book After the Honeymoon: "When choosing a longterm partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years."

It can actually be a comfort to know that the dictates of modern relationships do not require turning your mate into Ms. Perfect. And, when you think about it, you know she's not going to get anywhere trying to change you.

What's really important is how you deal with your differences, says John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman and his team studied 650 couples and tracked their marriages for up to 14 years.

Let's look at one couple, Andy and Melinda. The pair has a recurring argument that shows no signs of letting up in their lifetimes, yet they remain (continued on page 165) Relationship (continued from page 140) happy. The problem is a classic: Andy doesn't like visiting his in-laws. When Melinda asks him to, he grimaces, makes an unkind comment about her mother's "superheroes of the WWF" wallpaper and threatens not to go. Melinda resists the temptation to make a federal case out of it. In fact, she even cracks a smile as she mimics his put-upon way of finally saying, "All right, I'll go."

Most important: they are able to laugh about it.

Rule four: Tell her all your secrets

In theory, keeping secrets is like planting little mines in the sunny pastures of a healthy relationship. One secret leads to another, and pretty soon you're in a minefield. Hold back too many bits of relevant personal information, the thinking goes, and whole conversational valleys become too dangerous to tiptoe through. Travel? There was that trip to Italy with your ex, and you don't want to open up that old sore. Wine? She thinks you drink too much. Cars? You have a hidden savings account, code name: Jaguar. What are you left with? Weather?

"We share everything," says Ben, 31, a publicist in New York who's engaged to be married. "We want to put all the awkward stuff on the table. Total honesty is the only way we can have the intimacy we both want."

What's wrong with the rule

Trouble is, total honesty doesn't work so well in practice. Let's return to that sun-dappled meadow for a moment. Picture a happy couple walking through the dewy landscape, accompanied by harp music--or maybe something by Kenny G. In the distance there's a rainbow. Every so often he stops to offer her another penetrating disclosure. They smooch lovingly between revelations, until he happens to blurt out, "Oh, honey, did I mention that time I slept with your sister?"

"Revealing secrets that are hurtful does no one any good," says Jennifer Duffy, a New York psychologist who hosts a call-in radio show on WGBB. "Especially anything about sex."

And if it's sex with one of her friends, relatives or pets, it's safe to say you're treading on extremely thin ice.

Besides, turnabout is fair play. You don't really care to hear what she's done with other men, do you? "The last thing I want to talk about with a girl is who she's been with and who I've been with and whether either one of us has experimented with S&M," says Mike, 34, a securities trader who is happily single.

For married couples, the biggest secret is an affair (she really isn't interested in that thing you do with the pink tutu when she's not around). Certainly there are men who cheat and then suffer pangs of guilt. But fessing up tends to make things worse. "If whatever caused the person to have the affair in the first place has been worked out, there's nothing to be gained from revealing the information," says Klein. "I'd say just keep it a secret."

Rule five: Never have sex on a first date

Not all rules are placed in our subconscious by feminists and psychologists. This is an idea men have planted and nourished on our own. The notion that long-term prospects are doomed if you score too soon derives from the old double standard: We want sex as soon as possible, but we think less of any woman who's willing to sink to our level (what a slut!). Or, to paraphrase Groucho, we wouldn't join a club willing to have us as members.

Double standard or no double standard, the taboo goes deep: "When I'm on a first date, I'm very conscious of what our long-term prospects are," says Chuck, a single 32-year-old marketing director for a medical practice. "If I think there's potential for something more than lust, I won't make a move until at least the third or fourth date."

"At the core of a healthy relationship is respect," adds Ben, the publicist. "Abstaining for a few dates builds up respect on both sides, and that gets preserved for the future."

What's wrong with the rule

Trouble is, respect isn't the only thing that builds up when you abstain. "Avoid sex on a first date? No way," says James, the reporter. A few years back he had an intense six-month relationship with a girl he was introduced to by mutual friends. "On the first date, we went out, had a nice dinner, then went back to her place and had incredible sex."

The relationship finally came to an end when she moved out of town for work reasons, but her willingness to have sex was never a problem. "And," he says, "we're still good friends today. I don't think first-date sex has any bearing on a relationship's chances."

The experts agree: "This reminds me of a lot of other superficial rules that men have in their heads about what it takes to make a relationship work," says Gottman. "It's on a par with: Never marry a girl taller than you. Which is ridiculous. The timing of sex is not in any way a predictor of an enduring relationship."

Besides, maybe she's open to sex on the first date because she likes you--not because she's a slut. It doesn't mean she puts out for every guy who walks down the street. Maybe you simply swept her off her feet.

Rule six: Always let a woman come first

We may not know what women want, but we sure want to give it to them. At one time, sex was about scoring and notches on the belt. Women weren't supposed to like sex particularly, so the faster you could finish the better. Then came the sexual revolution, and women made the point that there was something in this for them, too. We were grateful for this insight and all of us together, men and women, held hands in a big circle and studied the female climax. When we all sighed and reached consensus, it was that women are slower to reach orgasm than we are. This revelation has spawned a cottage industry of desensitizing creams and informational tracts to help us learn to retard our instinctive race to the finish line.

Today we're still in a big hurry. We're in a hurry to slow down, to delay, to hold back. We think of dead babies and baseball. We think of dead babies playing baseball. All because we want to please.

What's wrong with the rule

A willingness to please is a fine sentiment. But you can take it too far. Picture the eager sexual conquistador, obsessed with his reputation as a stud. He always cuddles for the appropriate length of time (because women like that). He spends the appropriate amount of time stroking her body--all over, not just down there. Then it's on to oral sex, and, after a few more scripted flourishes, penetration.

He wants to be a good lover, a better man. This is not in itself a bad thing. Self-improvement is the mortar upon which America's greatness is based. But, like mortar, all those great moves soon harden into dull, gray rock. The real problem is that men who try too hard are not, in the end, good lovers. "When you're with some guys, it's like you can hear them thinking, I'm going to do A then B then C and then D. That's a little too rote and unfeeling for me," says Cathy, a 41-year-old, twice-divorced entrepreneur from New York. "It's like, yawn. Wake me when you're done."

It doesn't really matter who comes first as long as you are not cravenly insensitive to her needs. "Men who think even the occasional quickie is forbidden tend to imagine they're trying to stay sensitive and in touch," says psychologist Perry Buffington, a syndicated newspaper columnist and author of Cheap Psychological Tricks: What to Do When Hard Work, Honesty and Perseverance Fail. "But you can take sensitivity too far." Women like quickies, too. And the thrill of an unexpected sexual interlude--standing up or in an unusual place--can be just as stimulating for them as it is for us.

Rule seven: Never kiss and tell

You're a well-mannered guy. When you take a lady to dinner, you hold the door, let her order first and pick up the check, don't you? If she happens to dive under the table to pleasure you as you're savoring the amuse bouche, would you broadcast her actions to the entire male community? Of course not. This rule ranks high in the pantheon of proper male behavior. It's right up there with "Don't hit girls." (We agree with that one, by the way, unless she asks to be spanked.)

"It's all about honor and being a stand-up guy," says Ed, a twice-divorced 43-year-old magazine editor. "You just don't talk about what goes on behind closed doors." Or under tables.

What's wrong with the rule

For starters, this rule ain't fair, since women talk about sex in explicit detail: "I once dated a woman who went to an all-girl college," says James. "They talked about sex about 1000 times more than we do. I mean, shot for shot, stroke for stroke."

Saucy sex columnist Anka Radakovich writes in The Wild Girls Club: Tales From Below the Belt, "If guys heard everything we discussed, they would squirm, stop feeling flattered that we spend so much time delving into their psyches and run for the hills."

But here's the surprise: Telling tales out of school can be healthy behavior. "I think good friends would like to share your romantic stories with you," says Jennifer Duffy. "There's nothing wrong with telling about a wonderful sexual experience you've had, as long as you can be sure it won't get back to her."

And if it does get back to her? "I think a woman would be flattered that I was so impressed that I wanted to share a few details with a close friend," says James.

In the end, are there no rules? Of course there are, but you've got to set them yourselves. Having a lasting, satisfying relationship isn't about rigidly following someone else's program. "It's more flowing, like jazz music," says Gottman. What a relationship needs most for nourishment is mutual respect and shared dreams. Great sex doesn't hurt a bit. None of this requires anything like perfection.

Wine? She thinks you drink too much. Cars? You have a hidden savings account, code name: Jaguar.

The real problem is that men who try too hard are not, in the end, good lovers.