Don't Pet The Donkey: An Oral History of Bachelor Parties

They say the wilder the bachelor party, the better the marriage. Right--try telling that to your girlfriend. Will you learn something from having your forehead sandpapered smooth by the crotch of some minx in a G-string? Maybe, but you're sure to forget it by morning. As these tales from anonymous--and mostly untrustworthy--sources make clear, repeating the stories is your reward for surviving the parties intact. Naturally, all the names have been changed.

That Thing Called Love: ''Contrary to popular female opinion, the typical party doesn't necessarily involve sex. Once a friend's fiancée asked me, 'I just want to know one thing. Did they touch his thingie?' Happily for her, the answer was no. The girls were far more into each other. It was such a beautiful sight it left one guest in tears. 'I want a girl like that,' he sobbed. He was really messed up. 'I want a girl like that.' Her impact on him was so funny. We couldn't stop laughing.''--Noel, 29, record promoter from San Francisco. Cost: $150.

Emotional price: ''A brief feeling of longing, but I washed it away at the bar.''

Would you do it again? ''Sure. You just have to be strong and not let their looks get to you.''

A Cautionary Tale About Why You Should Marry a Stripper: ''I like to say there's a difference between strippers who will and strippers who won't, and it's usually about 20 years. But what happens when a young one gets married? That's the story I'm going to live off of for the next 40 years. This guy I know was getting married--he's totally Joe Trader. Works on Wall Street and he was marrying this sexy, sweet stripper. I wasn't surprised to see two strippers--friends of the bride's--at Joe's party. But, man, as soon as they got there they fucking kicked his chair out from underneath him, knocked him to his back and took off all his clothes. Their clothes came off next. There was no seduction, no dancing. They just went at it. The fact that they were in a cold basement surrounded by 15 drunken, laughing friends made it hard for him to perform. That's when I realized this party wasn't about the groom.

''They were giving him head. They were trying to fuck him. It was just a shock. A live sex show erupted out of what was supposed to be a good-natured strip party. It soon became apparent that our friend could not consummate the act. So after 20 minutes these two girls got on a pool table--we were downstairs at a restaurant--and they started to perform on each other. Then some people at the party--I can assure you I was not one of them, I'll tell you right off the bat''--it's always the other guy--''some people started groping them. Then they started climbing up onto the pool table and kind of rolling through these two girls. There was a line of guys waiting to roll over and through them and writhe on the table with them for a few minutes. Like a break-dance circle. These girls were whacked out. They had a look of distant longing in their eyes. At a certain point a few guys stayed on the pool table for a long stretch. Then it became too bizarre to watch. That's when I hit my weirdness limit.

''Eventually these two girls and four guys ended up retiring to the bathroom for a 45-minute drug-and-sex orgy. I heard there were various double and triple penetrations happening. It was incredible. You walked out of there shocked. Guys were walking out unable to speak. Feeling dirty. You know how bachelor parties end drunk and happy? This one ended with everyone sobered by the experience. We walked out into a cold Manhattan street and got into cabs alone.''--Ali, 27, software geek from San Francisco.

Cost: $150.

Emotional price: ''It rattled me at the time, but now that I look back it's sort of excellent.''

Would you do it again? ''Nothing can shock me now.''

Best Supporting Female: ''I've been a best man five times and I've planned five bachelor parties. The best one ever was for a guy who was my best and oldest friend. My favorite restaurant in the LA area is in Santa Monica. Not many people know that there are two private rooms above the main dining room. Brent's was the only bachelor party they ever had or will have. I got these amazing Cuban cigars. We had all this amazing booze. We had a big trade with the restaurant, so the food was, like, caviar, foie gras, lobster--the best of the best. It was the nines. Even with all the favors I cashed in, it cost me thousands of dollars. We had two poker tables set up--new chips, new cards. There was one caveat: Brent's friend Kristen insisted on attending. They'd known each other from college. So we played poker, we're well fed and the entertainment arrives. The thing is, it's a bouncer and one girl. The other girl never shows. How are we going to have a lesbian show? I got one girl--that's not lesbo, that's masturbation. Anyway, we set up a circle. Music comes on, the girl starts doing a show--with lap dances all around. So. There's Kristen. When the stripper gets to Kristen, she starts undoing Kristen's blouse. Kristen doesn't do anything. Then she undoes her bra. Suddenly, she's topless in front of all these guys she's known for years. Being the trouper she is, she goes at it with the other girl. They are kissing each other, fondling and kissing each other's breasts. Kristen is a realestate developer from Denver. This is not a bimbo. She turned to Brent and said, 'Is this what you want?' And she just went at it with this girl for a long time. The guys went nuts. Then the stripper turned to Brent. She stripped him to his underwear, covered him head to toe in whipped cream, licked it all off and blew him in front of everyone. We had our own bartender, so he's getting the busboys and chef and the owner--who didn't know this orgiastic stuff would happen. The owner sees Brent covered in whipped cream and come. There wasn't enough money in the world for this girl. Every guy got a serious lap dance--this is no Scores lap dance. This is dry hump. You could feel her pussy, her ass, her tits--she did anything. And Kristen was basically lounging around in nothing but her panties. These worldly LA guys--there was a well-known attorney and some other guys in their 40s and 50s--said to me, 'All these years we've gone to bachelor parties, this is the best ever.' I said you can't go wrong with lesbians, blow jobs, lap dances, poker, booze and cigars. When I threw my next bachelor party I called the manager to let me use the room again, but he said, 'Never, ever again. Not for you, not for anyone. Not for me.'''--Rich, 30, a Los Angeles cigar retailer.

Cost: ''Must have cost me $3500.''

Emotional price: ''It was a lift. A huge lift.''

Would you do it again? ''If I still had that kind of money, I would.''

Highest Body Count: ''These two girls did the strip thing. Then they did each other and it got dirtier and dirtier. It was at a house in the Hollywood Hills. They started doing guys in the bathroom and then they did the groom big-time. Somehow the bride found out. The party was a week before the wedding. Not only did she cancel the wedding, but one of the other guys at the party ended up getting a divorce over it. It was the bachelor party from hell. The sex show turned out to be so wild that guys started talking. They were just blabbing about it afterward: 'You won't believe what happened.' No one realized what was at stake.''--Steve, 45, PR guy in Los Angeles.

Cost: ''Can't remember.''

Emotional price: ''I don't want to remember.''

Would you do it again? ''Did it turn me off bachelor parties? No.''

When Bad Things Go Good: ''A woman I knew who lived outside Boston had a horrible husband who had a friend who was going to get married. Though Michelle's marriage was falling apart, her husband insisted she hold a party for the bride and the girls while he held the bachelor party for his friend. The bride and her mom and family and friends show up at Michelle's house. They're critical. 'You don't have a dipper? What do you put your dip in?' Very unpleasant. They sit around and talk and the bride reveals she is more sexually accomplished than the groom. Things he couldn't or wouldn't do or had never done. Then the conversation turns to, 'I wish we knew where the guys were.' Michelle, who hates them all at this point, says, 'I know!' She gives them the address. She stays home to clean up. The procession of cars leaves. Minutes later, they return. Bride-to-be is crying. She needs help getting out of the car. Apparently they went to the place. There was noise coming out of the house. There was the smell of beer, loud music and it was dark. They walk in and voilà! On a table there's a hooker in an orange wig and the groom is fucking her as everyone else is clapping rhythmically! As the bride sees her sexually inexperienced groom fucking, their eyes meet and, woosh! The groom throws up. So the ladies packed it up and returned to Michelle's and the wedding took place the next day. If they hadn't pissed off Michelle, they would never have learned of the secret location. And if he hadn't thrown up, there probably wouldn't have been a wedding.''--JB, 56, financier in New York.

Cost: ''Free to me.''

Emotional price: ''Guilt all around.''

Would you do it again? ''The marriage ended in divorce after five years.''

Best Oater: ''At the last party I attended, we went to the Russian baths and ended up in the back room of a Ukrainian restaurant in the East Village. The groom's buddy casually placed a camcorder on the table when the stripper arrived. We all thought it was hilarious when things got out of hand. She was a dominatrix. Put a saddle on the nearnaked bachelor and rode him around the table, spanking him to go faster. She had him make noises like a donkey. He was crocked and didn't realize he was being taped. We watched the tape without him the next day and it was weird. Maybe a little eerie and disturbing, too. We all felt like shit for doing that to him. That was the first time I felt sorry for Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee.''--Ed, 29, New York musician.

Cost: $50.

Emotional price: ''Mild.''

Would you do it again? ''Never bring a camera. Never.''

Most Sickening Case of PDA: ''We were barhopping for a bachelor party and we came across some girls who were having a bachelorette party. They had the bride-to-be covered in candy or Life Savers or something--for a dollar you could bite one off with your teeth. So my friend Greg walks over with 100 bucks and says, 'Here. Now you have to hang with us.' The numbers were even and we had a great time--eventually pairing off. The bride and groom were like prom king and queen. I swear, about five of my friends hooked up that night.''--Kevin, 27, bartender from New Jersey.

Cost: ''That 100 bucks was worth it.''

Emotional price: ''I got a phone number and I called the next day.''

Would you do it again? ''Yes. Whenever people complain about how hard it is to meet people, I think of that night.''

Most Sickening Case of Beer: ''Cards and beer, beer and cards. We made a pact we would rent a hotel room and spend 24 hours in it playing cards and drinking beer. We went through every fart joke known to man, with sound effects. Finally, we got so crazy--I mean the stupidest stuff was making us laugh, there was a flood in the bathroom--we started calling people to show up and bring us stuff. By the end we had a potted plant in there, these inflatable toys, even a dog. And this 80-year-old guy showed up. Cool guy. Heard us down the hall and decided, you know, 'I can't beat you so I have to join you.'''--Todd, 28, pool installer from Florida.

Cost: ''I actually made money. Plus, the bottle returns totaled something like $47.''

Emotional price: ''The dog wasn't ours, so we felt bad when we returned it.''

Would you do it again? ''No way. Twenty-four hours is a serious commitment.''

Worst Story to Read if You're Thinking of Inviting Your Father-in-Law: ''Seventeen years ago, when I was in college, I watched a guy from my summer job get blown while his best friend banged the woman from behind. And this was my first bachelor party. My boss, Jimmy, was an ex-motorcycle repairman, and the party crowd was full of beer-guzzling bikers. I was crocked by the time the entertainment arrived--a wonderful Asian chick who was accompanied by a man-mountain from the Hell's Angels. First, she did a 15-minute, tendon-popping floor show. I was in love. Until, for the finale, she sat Jimmy in a chair and ministered to him while the lucky groom brought up the rear. The real crazy thing was that the bride's father was there--and he was hooting and hollering with the rest of the guys. Whoa.''--Bobby, 36, graphic designer in New York.

Cost: ''I don't remember paying anything. I think Jimmy footed the bill. It might also have been the night his wraparound porch collapsed under everybody's weight, but I'm really not sure. If it was, then the party was more expensive than he planned.''

Emotional cost: ''None. Not for me, not for the groom. Not for the bride's dad, either, apparently.''

Would you do it again? ''Like I said, I didn't do anything.''

Best Story to Read if You're Thinking of Inviting Your Father-in-Law: ''One guy I knew invited everyone, including the men from the family of the bride. During the course of this drunken evening, secrets were exchanged between father and groom--without the protective filter of the bride. The prospective groom was no Phi Beta Kappa. I think he was trying to explain how much he loved this guy's daughter because she knew how to do this and that sexually. It was probably the best party. It erupted into a fistfight between the father of the bride and the groom. The wedding was called off. There are two rules to follow about bachelor parties. One is: Don't pet the donkey. The other is: Never invite your father-in-law. Never! I went to another party after which a guy went home and told his girlfriend what the stripper had done to the groom. That wedding was canceled also.''--Paul, 31, Chicago fireman.

Cost: ''A wicked hangover.''

Emotional price: ''A steep price paid by the ex-groom.''

Would you do it again? ''I love that sort of thing.''

Why Stupid to Us Is Evil to Her: ''I once found myself in the middle of my living room stuck between my friends Mark and Jennifer. Thanks to a gossipy girlfriend, Jennifer had caught sour wind of a bachelor party that Mark had attended. Jennifer was crying and Mark was wilting under her hydraulic pressure. He had taken part in a stupid stripper stunt. Each guy at the party took turns lying on his back. The stripper then straddled his face, her third eye winking at him from a few inches up, and proceeded to pour beer onto her pussy and into his mouth. 'And you're going to be the father of my child?' Jennifer sobbed (did I mention that she was pregnant?). 'Phil would never do anything like that.' My omniscient wife turned to look at me, half-smiling. I just shrugged. I was more concerned with what the strippers called that drink in private. Pussy punch? Malt lick-her? Sour mash? A head of beer? If she didn't shave, then it would be billy goat brew. If she did, why, then it would be a mess.''-- Phil, 32, Chicago salesman.

Cost: ''I think he spent $75.''

Emotional price: ''Heavy. Major.''

Would he do it again? ''Yeah. I got the sense he wasn't caving in because he didn't want to promise to never do it again.''

Longest Run Off-Broadway: ''In my hometown, you could go to a bachelor party every weekend. You didn't have to know the groom or anybody else. You could just buy a ticket from Ralph or Teddy or Jimmy. 'You know--the guy who's friends with Kenny. The guy who once fixed Stephanie's Camaro? He used to go out with Angie? His brother Vinny Goombatz is getting married. $30.' You show up at the basement of a family-style Italian restaurant and it's all you can eat and drink, with entertainment. One night a stripper, as they sometimes did, started giving $20 blow jobs in the bathroom. When she took the occasional cigarette break she sat next to my friend John. He could charm the shorts off a female golfer. So he was honored to accept her offer of a free fuck at the end of the evening. It was something he bragged about the next day until someone asked, 'Did you use a condom?' John's face turned green. Thankfully, his dick never did. At least he didn't go down on her. I think.''--Pete, 31, actor from L.A.

Cost: ''A hangover.''

Emotional price: ''He was nervous until he got tested.''

Would you do it again? ''Nah, those buy-a-ticket parties get boring.''

Nastiest Scrum: ''I'm a former semipro rugby player. I was living with my wife in a duplex in Louisville, Kentucky. A guy from another rugby team lived upstairs. He was throwing a bachelor party for his brother and he invited me. I couldn't go because it was on a Wednesday night. Well, at 2:30 in the morning the fucking music is blaring and I can't go to sleep. My wife says, 'You have to go upstairs and tell them to knock it off.' Shit. I trudge up the back stairs, walk through the open kitchen door and there are like eight guys, you know, in a circle. They all have their dicks out and this girl is sucking one off and getting it from behind from another. She's taking turns blowing everybody. I go, 'Oh, Jesus Christ.' Caleb looks at me and goes, 'You want a piece of this?' I go, 'No man, I gotta get up early in the morning. I'll take a rain check.' He goes, 'The music's kind of loud, isn't it?' I go, 'Yeah. If you could just turn it down a bit.' All I remember is the girl was like a clock, doing one guy then rotating to the next. They're all sitting there with cherubic smiles on their faces. You know, it's a professional rugby team. What can I say? They share too much. No intimacy issues there. So I went back downstairs and tried to get to sleep. My wife said, 'What's going on up there?' And I said, 'Honey, you don't want to know.' Some things are just better left unsaid.''--Bill, 33, TV production guy from Washington, D.C.

Cost: ''Free, obviously.''

Emotional price: ''The loss of my innocence'' [laughs].

Would you do it again? ''I don't need to see that again.''

Best Dumb Stunt: ''Two Tons of Fun was a woman who performed at a party in central Connecticut. This lady was big--real big. About 300-plus pounds. She stood behind me and wrapped her tits around my head. I couldn't see or breathe. She even did it to my friend Joe, who has a monster noggin. For her finale, she picked up the groom like an old-fashioned wrestler, put him on her shoulders and twirled him around. Set him down just in time for him to heave in the bathroom. I ended up passing out at my parents' house after going to a strip club. This cutie had pulled my glasses off my head and run them up and down--once in each direction--in her snatch. Popped them back on my head. I remember hearing everyone roaring. I couldn't see them laugh, though, because the lenses were fogged up. Next thing I know, my father is shaking me awake the next morning at six A.M. I was lying on my back in the den, white snow blaring on the TV, my belt undone and my hand wedged down my pants. He was going ballistic--I had fallen asleep with my mouth open and I stunk pretty bad. It wasn't until my dog walked over and stuck her tongue down to my tonsils that I could moisten my mouth enough to croak a response. I had to leave pronto if I wanted to make the wedding that morning. Did I mention that I had to pick up my boss and her son, who lived an hour away? My parents wanted to punish me for being in such crappy shape. They didn't want me to use their car, so I shocked them by dialing up cab service (remember, this is Connecticut) to take me to an Avis. My boss looked oddly at the Grand Am ('I thought your family drove Camrys') but didn't notice it was a rental. I was 24. I felt pretty satisfied with the whole thing until the church ceremony, when my boss' son asked me to explain a portion of the ceremony. I leaned over and told him. 'Man,' he said, loud enough to turn heads, 'your breath stinks!'''--Tom, 26, dot-com dude, Connecticut.

Cost: ''Dunno. Money flew out of my pocket.''

Emotional price: ''Neutral. Tense moments with the parents, but it was a turning point.''

Would you do it again? ''I never do anything the day after a party like that.''

Scariest Moment: ''To be sure, guys are some fucked monkeys. Sometimes it's best not to know what makes your buddy tick. In the mustier recesses of my mind, there is a scene from a party my brother took me to. There wasn't much but drinking going on. On a TV in the corner of one room porn videos were playing in an endless loop. The novelty wore off early for the groom. Finally, most guys drifted away from the set until only one guy was left. There was talk of going to a strip club. In one of those odd, movie-style moments, the conversation ebbed just in time for the man in front of the tube--lost in his own world and forgotten in ours--to suddenly shout at the screen, 'Yeah, fuck her, fuck her, yeah. Punch her in the cunt!' Talk about a showstopper. Nobody said anything for a good 30 seconds.''--Carl, 34, banker in Boston.

Cost: $30.

Emotional price: ''The guy never lived it down.''

Would you do it again? ''Sure.''

The Inside Word on Men's Clubs--and Why You Want to Join One: ''Since I'm the manager at a men's club, I keep a card on file for the guys who want much more than the standard strip show. These two girls, Coco and Electra, are absolutely unbelievable. We're talking butt beads. One girl will stick them all the way up the other girl's butt and then have a guy pull them out for her with his mouth. They both have strapons, and they do each other in the pussy and the ass. I mean, it's incredible. Or they'll put a lollipop in the groom's mouth and they will pull it out with their vagina lips. It's just 45 minutes of hardcore lesbianism, dildos, everything. I've called them in three times for people who want to get really, really raunchy. Coco is Hispanic. Electra is absolutely gorgeous. She's the one who I guess you'd say fits the submissive role. She takes most of the stuff in her ass and all that other good stuff. Since we're a private club I can close it off. Nobody gets hurt or gets seen, and I don't say anything. They pay me to keep my mouth shut. Usually it starts at 10 or 11 o'clock. The groom will pass out, they'll just prop him up in a chair, you know, take his clothes off. You know, it's not about the groom. We have side rooms, too. Stuff happens behind closed doors, so I don't care. Just be sure that you're out of here when I tell you to go. Many times the party will pay for the girls to do stuff to us. Put some whipped cream on the tits and give one to the bartender or manager. Some of them have offered to pay for blow jobs and whatever, but, unfortunately, I'm wearing the world's smallest handcuff on my finger.''--Duffy, 46, private club director in Philadelphia.

Cost: ''I get paid to watch this stuff.''

Emotional price: ''Not for nothing, but you get sort of jaded after a while.''

Would you do it again? ''All in all, I get good reactions. I haven't heard any complaints.''

For more on bachelor parties, go to playboy.com/bachelorparty.

It got dirtier and dirtier. Not only did the bride cancel the wedding, a guy at the party got a divorce over it.

What Your Girlfriend Thinks

Myth: Any bachelor party that excludes women usually involves twisted sex acts.

Reality: It's more likely that one of 20 parties gets truly bawdy.

Myth: Bachelor parties aren't really any fun. He just doesn't want to let down his buddies.

Reality: We wouldn't go to them if they weren't any fun.

Myth: All strippers are hookers.

Reality: Hookers just aren't that good-looking.

Myth: His wife or girlfriend would probably put on a better show than the hired help.

Reality: That's probably right.

Famous Myths

When Shannen Doherty offered Heidi Fleiss a mere $200 per girl for her fiancé Ashley Hamilton's bachelor party, Heidi allegedly asked her, ''Why don't you do it yourself?''

It's rumored that one of Princess Caroline's husbands threw a party on a chartered jet that circled the globe.

Legend has it that Prince Philip's bachelor party is still going on fullforce in the basement of Buckingham Palace.