Millionaires

Americans spent most of the last century obsessed about two things: money and sex. These are not exactly the worst fixations. By now, however, the money thing feels more like a bad drug habit--and drkoop.com, a technodollar speedball. During wild market lurches, midlevel managers sit at their desks and calculate how much their 401 (k)s have expanded, or contracted, since lunch. While nobody's talking about dot-com zillionaires anymore, everyone still dreams about the big score.

No Wonder TV's Biggest Hit is "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

The loot sits there, as easy to get as a chocolate chip cookie. Just 15 stupid answers stand between you and paradise, baby! Fifteen answers for that doughnut Regis, and you're driving an SUV! And you don't have to solve a logarithm or write a line of code or even point and click. Did you know the flags thrown by football refs are yellow? That was worth $500! Did you know Richard Nixon appeared on "Laugh-In"? That was worth a million! Heck, I knew that. I knew the name of his dog. Of both dogs! Of his secretary of state! Of both secretaries of state! I read the stupid books he wrote in exile. I even know the first line of his memoir: "I was born in the house my father built." Why am I not rich?

A healthy interest in money is fine, but we have always been better off obsessed about sex. All right, you say, but you've never been stinking rich. So how can you render this comparison? Well, I don't have to. All I have to do is listen to Ted Turner.

Turner, as we all know, is rich. He has CNN money and Time Warner money and soon he'll have AOL money. He's had a good sex life, as would anyone who spent time spelunking the far regions of Jane Fonda. A few years ago, he had this to say: "Having great wealth is overrated, I can tell you that. It's not as good as average sex. Average sex is better than being a billionaire."

Let the words sink in for a moment: Average sex is better than being a billionaire.

Think about his yardstick: average sex. Not good sex, not great sex, not gymnastic sex, not kinky sex. Not Hollywood sex, not supermodel sex, not Hellfire Club sex, not Howard Stern's lesbo fantasy sex, not even President Clinton sex. Just average sex. Minnesota sex. A nudge in the ribs when "Saturday Night Live" gets lame sex. Sex an average of 6.3 times a month, according to the 1994 Sex in America survey, with a median of six partners over the course of a lifetime for males, and two for females.

That is what's better than being a billionaire. So says someone who has been there. The current money fever is just a plot promulgated by a bunch of computer science majors who've given up on getting laid. You don't have to worry about it. Just relax. Log off your Schwab account, turn off Stuart Varney and Regis and go find yourself an average partner. And if all that: doesn't persuade you not to worry about being rich, here are eight more reasons to stay broke.

Reason One: It's Expensive

Possibly the best reason to avoid being rich is that it costs so damn much--particularly when it comes to shelter. The summer home that John D. Rockefeller Jr. bought in Maine in 1910 had 65 rooms. When he was through expanding it, it had 107 rooms, 44 fireplaces, 22 bathrooms and 2280 windows--and it wasn't even his main residence (a nine-story mansion in Manhattan with a rooftop squash court).

The new economy barons also want an upgrade from the run-of-the-mill hut. Bill Gates built a 45,000-square-foot complex that has a 20-seat theater, an indoor pool, a trampoline pit, a fish hatchery and a dining room that can seat 150. Its bug-prone, bleeding-edge systems (which require 52 miles of cable optics) include artwork that's flashed an the walls, and a supersensitive computer-controlled heating and air-conditioning system. The sweater, no doubt, is too old-economy. The house and land were recently assessed at $109 million; the property taxes are more than $1 million. Larry Ellison is spending $30 million to build a home modeled on a 16th century Japanese village. The abode will supposedly be constructed without the benefit of a single nail. At his current home, Ellison's architects put an old swimming pool to good use--it houses the world's largest subwoofer. Over in Holmby Hills, Aaron Spelling's mansion has a room designed solely for gift-wrapping. On the plus side, these joints have resale value: David Geffen paid $47.5 million for Jack Warner's home in Beverly Hills, the largest amount paid for a single-family home in the United States.

Reason Two: It Involves You with a Shady Element

Some of the world's great fortunes were based in whole or in part on having more than a nodding acquaintance with crime. Moses Annenberg, father of the future publishing magnate, relied on thuggery to build a fortune. He ran a gang of goons and occasional killers who pushed the circulation of Hearst newspapers in various cities. Then he set up a horse racing wire that fed the gambling empires of Al Capone and Meyer Lansky. Moses Annenberg ended up going to prison for income tax evasion. His son Walter became ambassador to Britain.

The acquaintance can work the other way, as well. Huntington Hartford, who lost about $29 million trying to develop a resort on Paradise Island, claimed Meyer Lansky was behind the fiasco. The deal blew up when Hartford's partner unexpectedly called in a loan. Lansky's role in the development, however, has never been established.

Sometimes the rich guy is the bad guy. Occidental Petroleum chairman Armand Hammer seems to have been one of the truly sleazy business figures of the 20th century. Not only did he shaft most of his immediate family, but, as recently opened Soviet archives indicate, Hammer used his manufacturing and mining concessions in the Soviet Union during the Twenties to launder funds to pay Communist spies in the U.S.

Millionaires Suck

Reason Three: Too Much Gunplay

Guns and rich people are a bad mix. In 1872, the nefarious railroad robber baron Jim Fisk was shot dead by Ned Stokes, the lover of Fisk's mistress. Harry K. Thaw, heir to a Pittsburgh coal and railroad fortune worth $40 million, shot architect Stanford White to death on the rooftop of Madison Square Garden. Thaw couldn't get over the sexual hold White held over Thaw's wife, Evelyn Nesbit. Movie producer Thomas Ince was shot dead on William Randolph Hearst's yacht in 1924. One story was that Hearst had discovered his mistress, Marion Davies, with another guest, Charlie Chaplin. Davies screamed, Hearst went running for his gun, other guests ran to see what was happening, and, in the confusion, Ince wound up dead. "All you have to do to make Hearst turn white is mention Ince's name," the director D.W. Griffith said years later. "There's plenty wrong here, but Hearst is too big to touch."

No.4: It might Get You Kidnapped

1963: Frank Sinatra Jr. • 1973: J. Paul Getty III 1974: Patty Hearst • 1975: Samuel Bronfman II

Reason Five: It's not Worth the Taxes

Steve Case, chief executive of America Online, is one of the nation's highest-paid bosses. In 1999, Case was awarded stock options worth $1.2 billion while taking home a total of $117 million. Of Case's $117 million income in 1999, $115.5 million was generated by exercising stock options and $1 million came in the form of a bonus on top of his $575,000 base salary. Which means by April 7, 2000 he paid as much money in federal taxes ($39,778) as most Americans make all year. (At left, a sample biweekly paycheck based on Case's salary.)

No.6: And You're still a Weenie!

Guys have millions and they still act like eight-year-olds. A few years ago, when Mike "the Manipulator" Ovitz was at Disney, he sought to end his long-festering feud with David Geffen. He invited Geffen to a meeting, and then called mogul Barry Diller for advice on how to get Geffen to stop bad-mouthing him. Diller's advice: I" would say, 'Well, if you ever do that again, I am going to beat you up.'" Ovitz may have been shocked by this wisdom, but it didn't keep him from using it. "If you so much as touch me I'll have you arrested!" Geffen shrieked in reply and scurried back to his office.

No.7: It Might Drive You Crazy

Ross Perot may not be crazy, but he certainly acts paranoid. He once had an operative on his payroll call Mrs. Perot and pretend to be an editor from a well-known women's magazine just to see if his wife would get blabby. (Maybe he's not so paranoid--she did.) He also once claimed that the North Vietnamese hired Black Panthers to assassinate him, and that "one night five people came across my lawn with rifles" and were chased away by a guard dog. "When that dog came back, he had a piece of a guy's fanny in his mouth."

Doris Duke may not have been crazy, either. She merely hosted a coming-out tea party for her two pet camels, and then let them wander around her house and crap all over her priceless oriental carpets. "They call rich people like her eccentric," said one of her workers, "but if it were you or me, we'd be in an institution."

Howard Hughes, of course, was certainly crazy. From a point in the mid-Fifties, the germaphobic Hughes spent his days naked. He used wads of Kleenex to touch things. He urinated on the floor and forbade janitors to clean it up, he let his hair and nails grow wild, he developed a chemical dependence on codeine and yet he still managed to make multimillion-dollar deals. Hughes became so weird that in 1968 he canceled the annual Easter egg hunt at the Desert Inn in Las Vegas when he became convinced sinister forces were aiming to turn it into a riot.

Fool's Gold

Reason Eight: You'll Still Blow It

It's true that you can't take it with you, but you ought to be able to keep some of it until you go. Yet a lot of people don't. Tommy Manville squandered tens of millions on gambling and women (he had 13 wives, because every time he wed, he got $250,000 from his family trust fund), and Reginald Vanderbilt (father of poor little rich girl Gloria Vanderbilt) drank his away. Stanford White spent and screwed himself deep into debt before he was killed. And long before money manager Dana Giacchetto was indicted for blowing through $9 million that belonged to such clients as Ben Stiller and Matt Damon, financial advisors were looting the store.

The champ of the vanishing fortune, however, has to be Huntington Hartford, the A&P heir who in less than a generation turned a $90 million inheritance into zilch, mostly through his own bad business judgments. Although he lived well--Hartford dated Lana Turner and Marilyn Monroe, partied with Errol Flynn and played tennis with Pancho Gonzalez--pretty much everything he touched turned to debt. Over the years, the artists' colony, the theater, the magazine, stage productions and the resort all became spectacular flops, and Hartford, who broke the investor's cardinal rule and dipped into principal, was left holding the bag.

Is That, Your Final Answer?

The Millionaire Quiz

(1) How does Steve jobs get his feet massaged?

(a) He calls Sven, his rugged Swedish masseur. (b) He calls May Bo, his comely 18-year-old Thai masseuse. (c) He downloads a massage over the internet from iRub.com. (d) He puts his foot into a toilet and flushes.

(2) Why does Bill Gates Bob and Weave when he speaks?

(a) It's harder to hit a moving target. (b) It improves the reception from Pluto. (c) It helps him maintain his firm butt. (d) He says it helps him concentrate.

(3) What did Rick Rockwell do immediately after marrying Darva Conger that shocked her?

(a) He kissed her. (b) He told her he wanted to show her his rising stock portfolio. (c) He asked if his mother could go on the honeymoon. (d) He smacked her butt and grabbed a handful.

(4) Harvard computing Professor Thomas Cheatham has described young Bill Gates in various terms. Which term has he not used?

(a) Obnoxious. (b) Not a pleasant fellow to have around. (c) A pain in the ass. (d) A churning urn of burning funk.

(5) Ross Perot's special bombproof chevrolet caprice is coated with what?

(a) Chip-resistant Dutch Boy paint. (b) Bulletproof Kevlar. (c) Stain-resistant Scotchgard. (d) Pure bullcrap.

(6) What nickname did the first husband of Tobacco Heiress Doris Duke Bestow upon her?

(a) Sweetums. (b) Honey Pie. (c) Frigidairess. (d) Hose Monkey.

(7) What was unusual about J.P. Morgan's appearance?

(a) He had a huge, red, lumpy nose. (b) He had a birthmark on his cheek that resembled Harriet Beecher Stowe. (c) He had 666 branded on his neck. (d) He never wore pants.

(8) How did David Geffen persuade John Lennon to record with his label?

(a) He told John that he was really the cute Beatle. (b) He said he could introduce John to the Charlie's Angels girls. (c) He made nice with Yoko. (d) He gave John a hip new leisure suit.

(9) Whose pictures decorate Bill Gates' walls?

(a) Da Vinci, Ford and Einstein. (b) Norman Rockwell, Walter Chrysler and George Washington Carver. (c) R. Crumb, whoever did the Oldsmobile and Professor Irwin Corey. (d) Kiss.

(10) When Walter Annenberg turned 19, his father, Moses, said to him, "You're old enough to have a woman," and offered to find him one. What did walter reply?

(a) "Why not a six-pack?" (b) "I'd rather have a horse." (c) "After the way you picked Ma?" (d) "No, I'm not ready. I should be in about six months."

(11) Howard Hughes survived three plane crashes. To what did he credit his good fortune?

(a) Drinking lots of fresh orange juice every day. (b) Luck, (c) His deal with the devil. (d) An air bag modeled on Jane Russell's breasts.

(12) What did the father of Apple Zillionaire Steve Wozniak find in the glove compartment of his son's porsche?

(a) A soldering gun and some alligator clips. (b) A voodoo doll resembling Nathan Myhrvold. (c) A copy of Windows for Dummies. (d) $250,000 in uncashed checks.

(13) CBS chairman William Paley was rumored to have ingested all but one of the following to stay young. Which was it?

(a) Crushed goat testicles. (b) Monkey glands. (c) Sheep glands. (d) Burger King Whoppers.

(14) What would B. Donald Grant, The top programmer at CBS, Do after meetings with chairman Paley?

(a) Fire a researcher. (c) Kick his dog. (c) Vomit. (d) Read the Bible.

(15) How did Tricia Nixon say Walter Annenberg consoled her when Prince Charles did not attend a party The Annenbergs Threw in her honor?

(a) By patting her shoulder. (b) By making a sad face. (c) By giving her a dollar. (d) By copping a feel.

(16) Why is there no furniture in the home of broadcast.com Chief Ekecutive Mark Cuban?

(a) It would get in the way of Wiffle ball and Rollerblading. (b) He's waiting until he can get chairs on priceline.com. (c) It's all in the pool. (d) Hasn't had time to pick it out.

(17) How did Eagle Computer Boss Dennis Barnhart mark his company's IPO in 1983?

(a) He moved his parents out of the trailer park and into a mansion. (b) He bought a six-foot hoagie and split it with the workers. (c) He set up a foundation. (d) He had lunch with a yacht salesman, got drunk and drove his new Ferrari off a cliff.

1. d, 2. d, 3. a, 4. d, 5. b, 6. c, 7. a, 8. c, 9. a, 10. d, 11. a, 12. d, 13. d, 14. c, 15. d, 16. a, 17. d

Luxury Index

$3 million

Amount "Spawn" creator Todd McFarlane spent at auction to buy Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball.

$41 million

Price of a Gulfstream V personal luxury jet.

$70 million

Amount Henry Ford made in his best year.

$105 million

Amount Al Capone made in his best year.

$750

Amount per hour earned by John D. Rockefeller in 1889.

$22,000

Amount per minute earned by Bill Gates in 1996.

90

Percentage of American millionaires who have college degrees.

2.9

The average millionaire's grade point average.

1190

The average millionaire's SAT score.

28

Length in years of the average millionaire's marriage.

13

Number of American billionaires in 1982.

268

Number of American billionaires in 1999.

4 a.m.

The hour when Sam Walton liked to start work.

Million Dollar Mouthfuls advice from rich guys

On Predestination

"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights."--J. Paul Getty

File Under: Darva

"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."--Aristotle Onassis

On Lube

"Love makes the world go round, but money greases the axle."--Clare Boothe Luce, twice the wife of a millionaire

Metrically Speaking, That would be kilomillions

"In most cases and at normal times, I am quite content to be referred to merely as an industrialist, without a price tag. However, at present. . . I think it is a bad time for us to put out publicity referring to me as a mere millionaire . . . I have always been referred to as 'billionaire.'"--Howard Hughes, 1968

On The Brink

"That seems to be in the nature of things: Wealth almost always gives a person an edge."--Nelson Rockefeller

Who's got 50 years?

"Show up for work on time every day for 50 years and you will be rewarded."--Hollywood mogul Lew Wasserman

Hey--DOS Spelled backward is SOD

"Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient."--Bill Gates

On The Crossover Dribble

"The best thing about being rich is being able to do what I damn well please."--Mark Cuban, head of Broadcast.com and new owner of the Dallas Mavericks

The Real Gordon Gekko

"Greed is healthy. You can be greedy and still feel good about yourself."--Convicted trader Ivan Boesky

Economy or Business Class?

"I've already got my own airplane. We could save money on Air Force One."--Donald Trump, on why he should be president

Captain Morgan

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."--J.P. Morgan

A Cargo Ship Full of Tulips

"Sometimes when we're hanging the flowers at home I spend 16 hours a day at it. I work like a stevedore."--Billionaire Doris Duke

On More. Lots More

"It doesn't matter how much you've got, you want more. Look at Bill Gates. I mean, he feels like he can't get by."--Ted Turner

Bill Gates' property taxes top $1 million.

John Du Pont--Chemical Heir, Wrestling Benefactor and Nut--Shot and Killed Olympic Wrestler Dave Schultz in 1996.

Nineteenth century financier George Peabody was observed letting a two-penny bus pass him by and waiting 30 minutes in the rain--with a head cold--for a one-penny bus to pull up.

John D. Rockefeller Jr. impressed a contemporary by soaking apart a couple of two-cent stamps.

During the period preceding Apple's initial public offering, a company official realized an early employee, a technician who had helped build the company's first computer, wasn't going to get any stock. The official went to Steve jobs, a millionaire many times over, and suggested that they chip in equal amounts for their old comrade. "Great!" said jobs. "I'll give him zero."