The Charlie Brown Syndrome

My favorite Peanuts comic strip shows Charlie Brown sitting in a schoolyard, watching the cute redheaded girl across the way. He tries to gather the courage to talk to her. "I'm standing up," he says to himself. Then timidity hits. "No, I'm sitting down," he says. And that is how we last see him, slumped in defeat and depression. Curses! Poor Charlie Brown, foiled again by his insecurities--and most of us know exactly how the guy feels.

You've heard of the Stockholm syndrome? I maintain that most men suffer from the Charlie Brown syndrome, which includes the following physical and mental manifestations: sweating, trembling, shaking, confusion and uncertainty, the urge to urinate frequently, the inability to speak complete sentences and the strong belief that whatever you do or say is bound to fail, making you the laughing stock of the universe.

Truth to tell, God was not equitable when she passed out social obligations for the human race. "Men," God said from inside a tornado that was hovering over what would eventually become Trenton, New Jersey, "must make the first move when it comes to meeting women. Men have to overcome their shyness and face the prospect of embarrassment. Let's see how those jerks deal with this curveball." Then God laughed like a roaring Cajun Queen, and the oceans formed.

Let's face it: Life is not fair. It is usually our job as men to strike up the first conversation with any woman who interests us. In so doing, we run the risk of rejection. It is also our job to increase the momentum of the communication when it seems appropriate. If we judge things correctly, we might score. If we misread the situation, we will face a loss of confidence, as well as (in the worst-case scenario) a potential sexual harassment lawsuit.

When it comes to shyness around women, your supposedly macho Men columnist pleads guilty. I have never been a smooth-talking lothario who could approach any wench to start a dialogue that might lead to seduction. But, having admitted that, let me also claim expertise in dealing with the malady. If I've wrestled with it all my life, I must know something about it, right? Here then are Bashful Baber's Helpful Hints on How to Overcome Shyness:

(1) Loneliness is the human condition. This may sound basic, but think about it: Women get lonely, too. As you sit in the schoolyard trying to get up the gumption to talk to that cute little redhead, your own sense of loneliness can overwhelm you. But the odds are that she would welcome some warmth and friendship in her life. So what's stopping you? The thought that she doesn't want to be bothered. But, like any riverboat gambler, you should calculate the odds--which are at least 50-50 in most cases.

(2) She cannot read your mind. This cuts two ways. First, if you never approach her and introduce yourself, she will never know you wanted to meet her, and that could qualify as a lost opportunity for both of you. Second, the fact that she is not clairvoyant is to your advantage. Remember: No matter how lustful your thoughts as you strike up a conversation with her, she cannot see the X-rated movie in your mind. (I think this is the thing that stops most guys. We ask ourselves: "If we have already undressed her mentally, can't she tell how rude and crude we are?" The answer, thankfully, is no. So proceed at your own risk, stud muffin.)

(3) No one bats .1000. Even Casanova struck out from time to time. This, too, is something the shy guy forgets. Rejection is hard to take, but it should not be paralyzing or fatal. As you walk back from an encounter that did not go well, remind yourself that you are not running for mayor. You need only one woman's vote to have fun. You were stiffed by a fateful femme who was looking for Mr. Goodbutt? So what? Color her gone and keep on trucking. Be a mensch, not a mouse.

(4) Location, location, location. This tip is worth the price of the magazine, I promise you. If you want to meet a woman who might respond positively to you, choose your venue carefully. This is the most important element for socially retarded guys like me. Nothing would be more wasteful or dissatisfying than Bashful Baber trying to meet a woman in luxurious surroundings like a high-priced bar or a fancy restaurant. Rejection would be guaranteed in those locales, since I am basically a low-rent guttersnipe who never dresses up and doesn't care much about money. Better that I should troll the beer halls and blues bars than the cafes deluxe. I'll take an honest country girl over a city slickerette any day, so I should go where the hunting is good.

(5) Let your fingers do the walking. Call me crazy, call me Ray, but this suggestion could change your life. Please consider mutual interests when you think about meeting and wooing the women who appeal to you. The most natural communication always occurs when people discuss subjects that genuinely interest them. So, first, wherever you are, start your research by studying the local Yellow Pages, as well as local newspapers and newsletters and magazines. Go to nearby colleges and universities and check out the bulletin boards that advertise clubs and interest groups. Visit bookstores and see which authors are coming through town to give readings. Make a schedule of all the events that hold some interest for you, whether it is a lecture on dinosaurs or a meeting of the runner's club or a discussion of politics in the 21st century. And guess what? You will frequently find women at those forums who share your interests. Conversation will spring up smoothly, and life will seem simpler and easier.

(6) Shyness is essentially a product of your self-image, and that might not be so hot right now. It isn't discussed much, but men have had to take a deeper look at themselves recently, and what they have seen has sometimes rattled them. The feminist revolution of the past several decades might have been necessary, but like all revolutions, it cut a wide swath. Masculinity has been under examination and attack as never before in history, so it is not surprising that the contemporary male has self-doubt--even self-loathing in some cases. Are we really oppressors by nature? Do we make all of the money? Are we in favor of subjugating women? We have been brought up on those kinds of charges, and they have affected many of us. But the end product of prolonged introspection can be the Charlie Brown syndrome, so I say to you: Choose to get over it today. Enjoy your life and meet the people you want to meet. Because shyness sucks the big one!